The evening rush was over and it was nine or so and Cassie was just finishing up counting her tips. “Damn, I made a hundred and twenty bucks tonight!” She thought out loud to the other waitresses. 1
Tracy looked up. “I would so be shopping tomorrow with that!”2
Cassie just flashed her charismatic grin, toodled a "ta,ta" and headed home. ‘Well,’ she thought, 'I can pay the phone bill and buy 50 bucks worth of food and still spend five tonight seeing “Crisis” at the club. Maybe Robby will let me in free and I can save the five.’3
She slid into the crappy old sports car she had managed to swindle for cheap from an old man, pushed her text books out of the passenger seat and flung her backpack into it. ‘Did I finish that paper on Freud yet? Oh yea duh, it’s not due till next week.’ She drove around the block to her apartment. ‘Fuck,’ she thought, ‘damn Stacey has her boyfriend over again, I hope the baby was put to bed okay.’4
Stacey was Cassie's 13 year old sister. She was a good kid and would do anything to make sure she didn't get kicked out and sent back to live with her mother. She seemed to already have an attatchment problem to guys though and Cassie didn't trust her behavior when she was supposed to be watching her two year old son.5
“Hi Cassie,” Stacey smiled and hopped up to the car, “did you make lots of tips?” 6
“Yea, got the phone bill covered and we can go shopping tomorrow; how did Mikey do tonight?" 7
"Oh he was so funny; we played trucks outside and then he wanted to learn how to spell Justin’s and Joey’s names so I taught him how to write them.” 8
Cassie sighed and walked back to his bedroom to look in. "I don’t know why I worry so much,’ she stressed, “I am definitely going out." 9
She threw her work clothes in the hamper next to the bathroom door and looked into her closet. ‘Well, do I feel like flirting or being rude…I’m in a good mood, maybe I will meet someone worth a shit.’10
She picked a shiny pink baby doll dress, just tight enough to demand a second look, but not tight enough to show the tiny amount of baby fat she had around her hips. Shimmering, blue eye-shadow and dark layers of mascara to emphasize her eyes, scented body lotion to her arms and legs. A few quick touches to her dark purple hair and a choker to pull it all together, and then she stepped into the living room. 11
“Well, what do you think?” She asked Stacey. 12
“You know they’re all a bunch of losers there…why do you go to that place? Why don’t you go out to the Beau or something? Those guys at least have money." 13
Cassie considered it. “I’m too tired to pull off talking to smart people and acting rich Stacey- something big will happen soon I’m sure. I’ll be back later- Justin can not sleep here, got it?” 14
“Of course he can’t,” Stacey said, “I’m tired anyway.” 15
‘Yeah, right…’ Cassie thought as she got into the car and popped in the Deftones. She opened up her glove box and dumped out four pills, ‘hmm…’ she thought, ‘I look pretty good, I’ll probably get plenty of drinks, maybe I won’t eat four tonight.’ She slid three of the Xanax into her wallet and put on her lip gloss in the rear view.16
“Damn this place is packed tonight!” Kenny said over the crowd has he handed Cassy her third vodka and cranberry. 17
Cassy looked over to say thanks and forgot what she looked over for…’wow I am fucked up!’ she thought, ‘they are making these stiff tonight.’ 18
She walked over to the bar and sat on a stool, crossed her legs and placed her hands in her lap. When she looked up she saw that Tyler, the owner slash bartender, was looking at her over propped up elbows on the bar. 19
“Oh, so you’re the one trying to get me trashed tonight?” Cassie smiled. 20
“I figure it’s the least I can do for such an original person being in my bar, I mean look around you…” 21
Cassie turned around and looked at the crowd moshing in the middle of the “dance” floor. ‘Yuck,’ she thought. Tattooed and pierced, the crowd was about even with male and female, but you really couldn’t tell the difference between them. 22
“At least they are smart to talk to the first hour or so, I mean, where can I go to get some real conversation around here?” 23
Cassie smiled and looked up past her lashes at the handsome, but married to the only other pretty chick in the bar, bartender. 24
Tyler looked right back at her. “After hours we all go to that little hole in the wall next to Rosegarden Apartments- you can come with us if you want.”25
“Okay.” Cassie said. ‘Cool!’ she thought. ‘Hanging with the owner and his friends...they will make good connections.’26
“I’m going home!!” Cassie yelled above the unplanned jam session taking place at 2 am. 27
“No, wait!” Tyler said, putting his arm around her waist to hold her up. “I’ll drive you.” 28
“No, that’s okay, I’ve got a ride.” That’s all she needed was the wife and her friends to hate her, then she would have no female protection from the nasty band chicks that always glared at her. 29
Tyler signaled to the sound guy to shut it off and the guy hollered “Last call!” 30
“I’m sending them home, give me just a minute and we can all go hang out.” 31
Cassie didn’t really hear him and plopped down onto the couch next to the pool table. ‘What am I doing?’ she thought. ‘I shouldn’t have gone out and taken three more, I can’t even move. Fucking bitch, I shouldn’t have to do all of this myself. I need money, I wonder what Brad is doing….why won’t he come here, maybe I can move back there...but he won't take me...FUCK.’ 32
“Whatever…” she said out loud and jumped up from the couch. “Where’s my fucking lemon drop?”33
"Hey Jake, make a round will ya?" Tyler yelled from behind the till. 34
Cassie saw Kenny sitting on a stool across the bar. “You gonna shoot this with me?”35
“Hell yea,” Kenny said, “I’d shoot anything with you.” He looked over at Tyler, 36
“Dude, I’m gonna head over to Phil’s after this shot, you gonna drive Cassie over?37
“Um hello, did I say I needed a ride? I can take myself thank you very much.” Cassie stated. 38
"Sure…" Jake said, "drink up sexy- the night's just getting started." 39
‘Woa,’ Cassie swayed. ‘those Xanax are really kicking in- how many did I end up taking…four, five then two more…damn, I better go home.’ 40
“Hey Kenny, will you take me home please, I need to lie down." 41
"No way dude," Tyler said. "just bring her back to the band room and let her sleep it off on the couch. 42
Cassie passed out right as Tyler stepped up behind her to take her into to the band room. “Oh,” he said. "this is too cool." 43
Kenny and Jake looked up at Tyler and then down at Cassie's face. Her eye makeup was a little smudged under her eyes and one of her dress straps had fallen off her shoulder. 44
At that moment her eyes fluttered and she muttered: “Brad, Brad, help me.” 45
Tyler laughed. “Brad huh, well, we’ll take care of her for you.” He picked her up with one arm under legs and one arm around her back and resting comfortably on a breast. 46
“Hey…what’s going on…Brad?” Her words were barely intelligible. 47
Kenny said. "Dude- she’s got friends- you may not want to fuck with this one."48
Tyler replied. “Look at her; does it look like she’s going to remember anything?”49
Cassie was out by this point, in a drugged unconsciousness from too much Xanax mixed with alcohol. Kenny and Jake looked at her sleeping on the couch and shrugged, thinking, ‘Nothing we can do.’ 50
They left and locked the front door of the club. 51
Tyler pulled her legs off the couch and lifted her dress.52
Tracy looked up. “I would so be shopping tomorrow with that!”2
Cassie just flashed her charismatic grin, toodled a "ta,ta" and headed home. ‘Well,’ she thought, 'I can pay the phone bill and buy 50 bucks worth of food and still spend five tonight seeing “Crisis” at the club. Maybe Robby will let me in free and I can save the five.’3
She slid into the crappy old sports car she had managed to swindle for cheap from an old man, pushed her text books out of the passenger seat and flung her backpack into it. ‘Did I finish that paper on Freud yet? Oh yea duh, it’s not due till next week.’ She drove around the block to her apartment. ‘Fuck,’ she thought, ‘damn Stacey has her boyfriend over again, I hope the baby was put to bed okay.’4
Stacey was Cassie's 13 year old sister. She was a good kid and would do anything to make sure she didn't get kicked out and sent back to live with her mother. She seemed to already have an attatchment problem to guys though and Cassie didn't trust her behavior when she was supposed to be watching her two year old son.5
“Hi Cassie,” Stacey smiled and hopped up to the car, “did you make lots of tips?” 6
“Yea, got the phone bill covered and we can go shopping tomorrow; how did Mikey do tonight?" 7
"Oh he was so funny; we played trucks outside and then he wanted to learn how to spell Justin’s and Joey’s names so I taught him how to write them.” 8
Cassie sighed and walked back to his bedroom to look in. "I don’t know why I worry so much,’ she stressed, “I am definitely going out." 9
She threw her work clothes in the hamper next to the bathroom door and looked into her closet. ‘Well, do I feel like flirting or being rude…I’m in a good mood, maybe I will meet someone worth a shit.’10
She picked a shiny pink baby doll dress, just tight enough to demand a second look, but not tight enough to show the tiny amount of baby fat she had around her hips. Shimmering, blue eye-shadow and dark layers of mascara to emphasize her eyes, scented body lotion to her arms and legs. A few quick touches to her dark purple hair and a choker to pull it all together, and then she stepped into the living room. 11
“Well, what do you think?” She asked Stacey. 12
“You know they’re all a bunch of losers there…why do you go to that place? Why don’t you go out to the Beau or something? Those guys at least have money." 13
Cassie considered it. “I’m too tired to pull off talking to smart people and acting rich Stacey- something big will happen soon I’m sure. I’ll be back later- Justin can not sleep here, got it?” 14
“Of course he can’t,” Stacey said, “I’m tired anyway.” 15
‘Yeah, right…’ Cassie thought as she got into the car and popped in the Deftones. She opened up her glove box and dumped out four pills, ‘hmm…’ she thought, ‘I look pretty good, I’ll probably get plenty of drinks, maybe I won’t eat four tonight.’ She slid three of the Xanax into her wallet and put on her lip gloss in the rear view.16
“Damn this place is packed tonight!” Kenny said over the crowd has he handed Cassy her third vodka and cranberry. 17
Cassy looked over to say thanks and forgot what she looked over for…’wow I am fucked up!’ she thought, ‘they are making these stiff tonight.’ 18
She walked over to the bar and sat on a stool, crossed her legs and placed her hands in her lap. When she looked up she saw that Tyler, the owner slash bartender, was looking at her over propped up elbows on the bar. 19
“Oh, so you’re the one trying to get me trashed tonight?” Cassie smiled. 20
“I figure it’s the least I can do for such an original person being in my bar, I mean look around you…” 21
Cassie turned around and looked at the crowd moshing in the middle of the “dance” floor. ‘Yuck,’ she thought. Tattooed and pierced, the crowd was about even with male and female, but you really couldn’t tell the difference between them. 22
“At least they are smart to talk to the first hour or so, I mean, where can I go to get some real conversation around here?” 23
Cassie smiled and looked up past her lashes at the handsome, but married to the only other pretty chick in the bar, bartender. 24
Tyler looked right back at her. “After hours we all go to that little hole in the wall next to Rosegarden Apartments- you can come with us if you want.”25
“Okay.” Cassie said. ‘Cool!’ she thought. ‘Hanging with the owner and his friends...they will make good connections.’26
“I’m going home!!” Cassie yelled above the unplanned jam session taking place at 2 am. 27
“No, wait!” Tyler said, putting his arm around her waist to hold her up. “I’ll drive you.” 28
“No, that’s okay, I’ve got a ride.” That’s all she needed was the wife and her friends to hate her, then she would have no female protection from the nasty band chicks that always glared at her. 29
Tyler signaled to the sound guy to shut it off and the guy hollered “Last call!” 30
“I’m sending them home, give me just a minute and we can all go hang out.” 31
Cassie didn’t really hear him and plopped down onto the couch next to the pool table. ‘What am I doing?’ she thought. ‘I shouldn’t have gone out and taken three more, I can’t even move. Fucking bitch, I shouldn’t have to do all of this myself. I need money, I wonder what Brad is doing….why won’t he come here, maybe I can move back there...but he won't take me...FUCK.’ 32
“Whatever…” she said out loud and jumped up from the couch. “Where’s my fucking lemon drop?”33
"Hey Jake, make a round will ya?" Tyler yelled from behind the till. 34
Cassie saw Kenny sitting on a stool across the bar. “You gonna shoot this with me?”35
“Hell yea,” Kenny said, “I’d shoot anything with you.” He looked over at Tyler, 36
“Dude, I’m gonna head over to Phil’s after this shot, you gonna drive Cassie over?37
“Um hello, did I say I needed a ride? I can take myself thank you very much.” Cassie stated. 38
"Sure…" Jake said, "drink up sexy- the night's just getting started." 39
‘Woa,’ Cassie swayed. ‘those Xanax are really kicking in- how many did I end up taking…four, five then two more…damn, I better go home.’ 40
“Hey Kenny, will you take me home please, I need to lie down." 41
"No way dude," Tyler said. "just bring her back to the band room and let her sleep it off on the couch. 42
Cassie passed out right as Tyler stepped up behind her to take her into to the band room. “Oh,” he said. "this is too cool." 43
Kenny and Jake looked up at Tyler and then down at Cassie's face. Her eye makeup was a little smudged under her eyes and one of her dress straps had fallen off her shoulder. 44
At that moment her eyes fluttered and she muttered: “Brad, Brad, help me.” 45
Tyler laughed. “Brad huh, well, we’ll take care of her for you.” He picked her up with one arm under legs and one arm around her back and resting comfortably on a breast. 46
“Hey…what’s going on…Brad?” Her words were barely intelligible. 47
Kenny said. "Dude- she’s got friends- you may not want to fuck with this one."48
Tyler replied. “Look at her; does it look like she’s going to remember anything?”49
Cassie was out by this point, in a drugged unconsciousness from too much Xanax mixed with alcohol. Kenny and Jake looked at her sleeping on the couch and shrugged, thinking, ‘Nothing we can do.’ 50
They left and locked the front door of the club. 51
Tyler pulled her legs off the couch and lifted her dress.52
Author notes
Ever wonder what happens to those chicks who get so wasted they are falling down in the bar???? I added an ending/second part with "Sleeping Beauty and psychotic behavior"
What did you think? Please comment!
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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Part two is a little more active I think,let me know if you think so too; these are just scenes out of a complete book in my head.
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very good
Over all I liked the story and I hope you continue it. The only thing that I did not like though,is that the story went a little slow. -
Excellent
Great. I love it. Way to go. I hope that you will continue writing and that you have a wonderful day!
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I wanted to convey that Cassy was trying to figure out how many Xanax she should "eat". It was dependent on how much she would have to drink, and that was dependent on how good she looked, ie; how many men bought her drinks.
Thank you very much for the review and the applause. This story will continue... -
Great job! I loved this. The feeling was just...something lol. I just really liked everything about it. Although, after editting a story or two for Amicus, I have to point out,
maybe I won’t eat four tonight.
I do believe it should be for but, that's the only thing that caught my eyes except Cassie and Cassy...nonetheless it was great.
You'd better keep writin' this! I'll be waitin' for it. And if you ever need an editor, IM me, I'd love to help.
Much love,
~lil princess~ -
I very much appreciate the thorough read of my little write. The scene is "loose". It should have unfinished sentences, thoughts... no details about who the deftones are if you don't know, or where exactly the baby's room is. I thought it would be irrelevant. It's a quick qiew into one night of Cassy's life. She herself is charismatic, hence the emphasis and her grinning that particular way. Her look to the bartender would have also been charismatic. Also, I have prior restaurant experience, they don't say "shift", or at least didn't at my place. It sounded more natural to say "tonight". Of course I did change nights to "night's". Once again thank you for the critique, this is my first attempt at putting stories into words..
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I don't mean this as a serious critique as I am no expert, more just observations I made which may or may not help.
I thought perhaps for clarity and to set the tone for the reader if you stated, 9 pm or something to give idea of time.
In the dialogue you can be a little less formal - maybe saying, “Damn, I made over a hundred bucks this shift!”
She thought out loud [ unaware the other waitresses had heard her. ]
Cassy just grinned her charismatic grin and hopped off to change and headed home. [ I don't think you need to include both grinned and grin - use one or the other. [ With a charismatic grin Cassy [ hopped - be aware of the image this conveys ]
‘Well,’ she thought, ’ [ ' ] I can pay...
seeing “Crisis” at the club; maybe Robby will let me in free and I can save the five.’
'...pushed her text books [remove- out of] off the passenger seat [ where did they land? be more descriptive if you can ] add to her thoughts about her Freud paper by including her thought process - what made her think about it? etc. ]
Cassy sighed and walked [ through to the ]back to his bedroom to look in.
She applied Shiny blue eye-shadow...
‘Yeah, right…’ Cassie thought as she got into the car and popped in [ her Deftones cassette/CD.] maybe also add if music helps her get in mood etc.
and put on her lip gloss in the rear view. [ mirror ]
Sure…" Jake said, "drink up sexy- the nights [night's] just getting started."
This piece does have potential and I hope you stick at it.
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I liked: the simple story this is. It was very loose, very conversational. I hope you keep working at this style of writing.
I disliked: how slowly the story develops. The character development was a little slow. I thought Tyler was very much a stock character. -
You have an easy to read flow of words and portray a tightly wrapped young woman unhappy where she is, wanting out but not sure where to go.
Although the bar scene is far behind me, it was no different way back then as the young congregate to seek an identity and perhaps acceptance or to flout and measure peers.
And the predators on both sides of the bar are always there, lurking for prey, waiting for the situation you describe so very well.
The two men friends, also friends of the owner, a very subtle inference of their loyalty to Cassy, yet their allegiance to Tyler and their eventual abandonment of her.
Good to see that someone else hopes the story will continue, I would guess you have a lot to write about.
Good Luck!
amicus...
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well, now I know.
I love the story. Are you going to continue it? It's very nicely done. I can't even exactly pinpoint what I liked about it. It's the general feeling of it. There's not enough of this sort of thing on AP, I think. Awesome. Very Well done!
1 - 10 of 10

