The Force in a Parallel Universe [Comedy]

“Sorry for bothering you, old chap, but would you know how long it is to our destination?”1

Obi Wan sighed as he turned to face Anakin, “Yes, we arrive in half an hour, now go and get your robe on and for God's sake have a shave.”2

“No harm meant, old chap, just checking what bally time we'd be hitting a pub.”3

Dismissing the young Padawan to prepare for arrival, Obi Wan turned his attention to the command console in front of him. After pushing a few buttons, the Tetris game dissappeared and the shadowy blue figure of Cortana showed up on his interface.4

“Yes?” said the figure, “you called?”5

“We're nearly at the co-ordinates you gave me, is everything still going according to schedule?” Obi Wan replied.6

“Certainly, our ship will pick you up and we'll brief you about our mission once you're aboard.”7

Obi Wan nodded silently at the figure, then abruptly signed off. He put his head in his hands and bemoaned the fact that he'd taken on an apprentice with multiple personalities, and had been assigned a job in a parallel universe with no information at all about his mission. All Yoda had told him was, “I have a good feeling about this.”8

Getting up, he crossed to his room, where he changed into his loose-fitting Jedi garments, robed himself, and walked down a few passageways to arrive at the command centre of the small vessel. Quickly surveying the room, he noticed that only Anakin was missing, but his instincts told him the young apprentice would not be far away. Making his way to an unused terminal, he activated the console and set it to watch the pilot's screen. After a few moments, the pilot turned and respectfully said, “Sir, course is set, paths are locked in, and ETA is 23 minutes.”9

Obi Wan began to feel that not all was right as Anakin dashed into the room wearing only his robe and yelling “They're coming! They're coming! We're doomed!”10

Rolling his eyes, Obi Wan had to admit that he had an uneasy feeling slowly creeping over him. Hustling Anakin (who was still screaming doom and blood) down the corridor to his quarters, he made the young Padawan get dressed properly, then hastened back to the command center, where the pilot waved him over to the main console.11

“Sorry, sir, but we've got some very unusual interference I've never seen before. We may have to begin using visual detection as the receivers are being fed too much junk to filter.”12

As the pilot finished, Obi Wan leant forward over the terminal, staring intently at the screen. Motioning Anakin over, he asked “Do you understand any of that?” The young Padawan looked at the screen “Been visiting those websites again, eh? Told you you'd get viruses, and now you have. HA!”13

Obi Wan closed his eyes, clenched his fist, then relaxed and leant back against a wall thoughtfully.14

Turning to the pilot, Anakin shrugged and pointing to Obi Wan murmured “Gawd, I hate it when he does that, always looking so smart and prophetic. I can already tell you what he's gonna say. It'll be along the lines of 'we'll take this on our own from here, turn the ship around and get ready for a quick exit if we have to return fast' or something similar.” 15

The pilot nodded uncertainly, unsure of how to respond, and Obi Wan straightened from the wall, and said “ we'll take this on our own from here, turn the ship around and get ready for a quick exit if we have to return fast.”16

The pilot made a few movements over the console, and the two Jedi left the command centre and made their way to the hangar. Jumping into two X-wings, they sped out into space. Obi Wan felt more at ease now that he was in control, and the two fighters arrived at the co-ordinates to find a large vessel built in a fashion they'd never seen before.17

“Boy, we could teach 'em a thing or two about design, right?”18

Anakin's voice over the speaker stirred Obi Wan from his critical review of the awkward designs in front of him. “What's sad is that they're supposed to be from the future, but anyway, let's go aboard.”19

Obi Wan soon brought Cortana up on the terminal, “What now?”20

Cortana's calm voice came back over the terminal quickly “I'm trying to establish communications with your ships so I can bring you in to the hangar, but I'm having difficulty finding a protocol. Please adopt orbital pattern while I continue trying to interface.”21

Obi Wan moaned to himself, “Why can't we just fly them in?”22

“Is that possible? You can land those independently of AI?”23

Feeling a little bemused that such a simple act was considered a near-impossible act by this AI, Obi Wan requested that the hangar be opened while he and his apprentice docked. Once aboard, they were escorted to the captain's deck, where a man introduced himself as Captain James Cutter. Leading them to a small pad, he pressed a green button which brought up a slideshow of family photos. He quickly hit the button again and brought Cortana's hologram into view. The AI waved at them, “Welcome to the bridge of UNSC Spirit of Fire. As we're in a hurry, I shall brief you on the situation as it stands.”24

“A ship on a special mission recently went missing a few sectors from here, and a scouting mission sent to find out what happened never returned or provided information, but before it vanished it informed us of a strange rift in the universe, opening back in time to the legendary age of the Jedi from the supposedly mythical Star Wars saga. Wanting to work by your side to determine your level of achievement in technology and warfare in comparison with our own we have invited you to partake in this mission in the place of one of our own Spartans.”25

Obi Wan bowed slightly, “We are honored to assist you with this matter. What information do you have on the missing flight, it's mission, the cargo, anything to assist in why it may have dissappeared? Pirates perhaps?”26

Anakin quickly interjected “It could have been attacked by Gungans and died of stupidity?”27

The captain looked slightly perplexed but Cortana's voice continued clearly “Master Obi Wan, there are many reasons why it may have dissappeared, but our most likely explanation at the moment is that they were attacked and destroyed by the Covenant. Our question is why the Covenant would be in this sector of the universe. So far as our exploration in this area has shown, there would be nothing to make this section of this galaxy hospitable or even rich in resources.”28

Obi Wan nodded while Anakin drew pictures of Gungans on the floor.29

“Our plan is to take this small fleet into the co-ordinates and be ready for a 'hot jump' if we encounter resistance. A small fleet may be able to fend off an attack that would destroy a single ship.”30

Anakin looked up, fascinated, “Obi Wan has never let me make a 'hot' jump before. I'm excited!”31

Obi Wan frowned, “Neither I nor my apprentice will be controlling an unknown vessel, that much is obvious, in which case I must ask why our help was required?”32

The AI was silent, and the captain looked up, smiling slightly. “A few reasons, Master Jedi, the first being that we're hoping that your awareness of the Farce will tell you in advance if we run into danger. Secondly, should we encounter resistance that our ships can't handle we may be able to utilise your skills to investigate what is making this area of the galaxy of so much interest to our enemies.”33

Anakin quickly nodded, “Probably those 'hot' jumps you're talking about. You'd get a lot of interest in other parts of the galaxy with 'hot' jumps I'll bet. Like Nar Shaddaa...”34

Obi Wan held up his hands, “I'm not sure if we can actually act in any military capacity. The Jedi Order believes in peace and prevention of war.”35

The captain nodded, “When they start shooting at you, you might change your mind. Cortana, take us in when you're ready.”36

“Yes, sir.”37

The captain's deck came alive as officers busily entered data into consoles, and Cortana's voice gave constant updates on the progress of the jump. Anakin stopped drawing circles and stood up, “Sah, suthin' to report, sah!”38

“What is it, Anakin?”39

“Sah, I woz draw'n soicles, n I realis'd wh're dey got der desi'huns fr'm.”40

Obi Wan shook his head, “Anakin, we probably don't have time for this right now. Keep your wits about you and be ready to jump into danger. Anyway, I thought you were drawing Gungans, go back to doing that before you hurt your head.”41

“Yes, sah! Cert'nly sah!”42

Obi Wan listened to the count-down, and pondered whether or not to seat himself for the jump, but decided that since the captain was standing at a large screen, he could probably stay standing. The jump sequence was initiated, and Obi Wan felt the difference in atmosphere instantly. Mainly because he went flying into the opposite wall, dropping to the ground not far from Anakin and the captain. Rubbing his head, he sheepishly wrapped his cape around him and noticed that the prior feeling of uncertainty gave way to a feeling of imminent danger, and with Anakin following he strode to the large screen, on which he sighted several vessels of even stranger design than the one he was on.43

“Gawd, sah, s'pris'd they fly.” muttered Anakin.44

“At least they went to the trouble of painting theirs.” was Obi Wan's response. It was true, the bright vibrant yellows and greens decorating the Covenant's ships was quite an improvement over the UNSC's dark grey interpersed with winking blue lights. However, Obi Wan's attention did not stay on the Covenant for long as he noticed a dark shape filling the space between the Covenant ships. They were towing something large apparently, something dark, and as he looked closer, he noticed that the ships were stationery. There was a sinsister feel to the entire bizarre scene, three motionless Covenant ships towing a large dark object.45

“Cortana,” said the captain, “light that object up for viewing on the main screen.”46

“Negative, sir, the object is absorbing any light we shine on it. Shields at maximum.”47

Cortana's reply seemed to puzzle the captain, but he quickly asked, “Have the Covenant made any movements since we arrived?”48

“No sir, none whatsoever, there has been zero activity.”49

The captain frowned and turned to Obi Wan, “What do you feel, Jedi?”50

“As in, right now? I feel like my body aches. If you meant, what is my general impression, then I think you ought to hang some curtains in here, because the atmosphere is absolutely awful, and I just realised...”51

Obi Wan stopped himself and stood quietly for several moments, then turned to Anakin and requested the apprentice to give his analysis. 52

“Sah! Like, Cov'nt over there? Like, I dunno. 'sleep?”53

“Asleep?” echoed the captain, then turned back to Obi Wan, “Perhaps you have a theory of your own?”54

Obi Wan folded his hands in front of him before replying, “Captain, as ludicrous as it sounds, I sense nothing sentient from those ships. Actually, I sense nothing at all. Except that maybe you should change your after-shave, just a thought. Nothing personal, and some of my best friends use that brand, maybe it's just time for a change. ”55

The Captain looked at the two Jedi incredulously, “I think I'll dispatch a scouting party, and you two can lead it. The very fact that the Covenant hasn't fired on us yet tells me something is wrong. The party will leave in fifteen minutes.”56

Anakin looked quizzical, “Is that fifteen Coruscant minutes, fifteen Yavin IV minutes, or 8,273,368,593,000 periods of radiation corresponding to the transition between the two mega-thin levels of the ground state of the isotope 133 of the cesium atom?”57

Twenty minutes later, Anakin was at the command console of a small transport destined to take the boarding party across to the large dark object. After performing a quick fly-by of the object, Anakin brought the transport down in what looked to have been a hangar at one point. Obi Wan took the lead, and the boarding party exited the transport. Once out of the transport, they noted that the hangar area was black and shiny, almost to the point of looking as if it had never been used. Drawing his lightsaber, Obi Wan struck the surface, but no scratch was made. Nodding for the marines to follow him, he jogged to a closed door, which opened as he approached. 58

Obi Wan stopped warily as the door opened, then stepped back. The door closed. He stepped forward, and the door opened. He jumped back, then with Jedi speed dashed forwards, slamming into the closed door. Anakin sighed, “Sah, p'mission ta op'n the door like a normal 'uman, sah!”59

Entering, Master Kenobi noticed that the light from his saber was reflecting from the walls, so instructing the marines to secure the area he pulled Anakin aside, “Anakin, I want you to take the lead and act as bait in case of a surprise attack. Be ready.”60

Calling the sergeant to him, he requested the man to inform him of what threats may face them.61

“Well, sir, there's the Covenant of course. A few different alien species, some large and tough, others smaller and more nimble. This ship isn't like any Covenant we've seen though, so unless there's a pirate we don't know about then this may have been floating in space for a long time and the Covenant just found it out here. Of course, there's the Flood, but they're only on ring-type planets...”62

Obi Wan interrupted the sergeant, “It pays to be careful, but I'm sending Anakin ahead anyway. Two reasons, first of which is that if there's danger it'll buy your marines some time to aim at his corpse. Second reason, I get his lightsaber and I always preferred blue anyway.”63

Anakin led the way down a corridor into an empty chamber, his lightsaber casting a blue light which reflected from the oddly shaped walls, throwing long shadows over the entire room. From room to room, the party travelled, always tense and expectant of some sudden attack. Obi Wan had taken up the rear, his green saber at the ready to provide a rearguard in case they were flanked. Finally, Anakin waved them to continue into a larger room, which appeared to be a command centre of some kind, but pulled Obi Wan aside, “Sah, the Dark Side is v'ry str'ng 'ere.”64

Raising an eyebrow, Obi Wan lowered his voice and said, “I feel a disturbance in the Farce too.”65

“Sah..”66

Obi Wan shook his head, and called the sergeant over.67

“Sergeant, seal off this room and set up defences, my apprentice and I are going to go and scout independently, rather th...”68

Obi Wan stared at a small tentacled object resembling a squid out of the water, except it wasn't dead, nor was it on a plate or wrapped in bread crumbs, and the eyes moved, and it didn't really look like a squid if you squinted and turned your head to one side while trying to use a toothpick to clean your teeth. The squid-like object made as if to sidle into the room, then changed its mind and tried to hide around the corner.69

“Anakin, get that creature.”70

In a swift dive, the apprentice had grabbed a tentacle and was pulling with all his might to drag the small creature into the room, but it had latched the rest of its tentacles around the edges of the door and held on for dear life.71

“Leggo! Leggo! I swear, I'll tell you everything, just don't pull my tentacle off, I beg you!”72

Signalling the Padawan to release the creature, Obi Wan pointed to the creature to move into the middle of the room.73

“Who are you?” Kenobi demanded.74

The creature cleared its throat a few times, before nervously murmuring, “Good day, fine sir, I don't want to be no trouble, none at all. In fact, the last thing on my mind is to be a pain in the neck. Believe me, if I thought I'd be any trouble at all, I'd have happily just gone on about my business and not bothered you. It's a fine day, isn't it?”75

“Somewhere, it's a fine day I suppose. More to the point though, what are you?”76

The shy creature shuffled its tentacles nervously, then displayed a royal flush before dipping it's oversized body-head in embarrassment, “Well, there's the thing you see. I'm not sure what I am. I might exist as an individual, or I may just be a free-thinking section of a larger whole. Either way, I'm glad to make your acquaintance.”77

Obi Wan frowned, “Stop speaking in riddles, tell me who or what you are. Free-thinking? What do you think we are, communists?”78

This appeared to throw the little creature into a panic, and his tentacles shuffled madly, finally displaying a full house, before he gulped and squeaked, “Don't be mad at me, they made me do it. I said to leave you alone, but they all said no and made me contact you. I'm a victim of circumstances, you can't blame me for this! You gotta believe me!”79

The creature looked up pleadingly into the stern face of the Jedi Master, then quickly looked away. Suddenly, it tapped a staccato beat into the floor, and a noise started. Growing quickly into a roar, a mob of creatures surged up to the door, stopping at the entrance. The boarding party was taken by surprise at the aspects of some of the creatures. There was a marked lack of uniformity, and all the creatures seemed to move a little drunkenly.80

“It's the flood!” cried the sergeant, raising his assault rifle, but the small squid leapt up in front of his gun.81

“Wait, can't we talk about this? Surely a peaceful solution would be preferable to all parties? We seek harmony and unity and alliance with your people. Nothing is further from our thoughts than the thought of war.”82

The horde at the door murmured in agreement at this, and Obi Wan nodded and turned off his lightsaber. The little squid didn't look up, but it began to tremble.83

“Life's not easy you know, some days I just can't get the motivation to get out of bed. Another day of wandering around with people everywhere hating on me. It's not just me, though, it's all of us. We're outcasts, exiles, the unloved ones, they...they..” here the creature faltered, then looking up a flash of indination in its expression, “they call us...they say we're the unwashed masses!”84

Here the entire assembly burst into tears, and Obi Wan stepped back next to Anakin and tapped his head, “I take back everything I ever said about you...to think I thought you were screwy.”85

Anakin nodded and laughed, then looked bewildered, “wait, what?”86

The creature continued, “People call us parasites. Do you hear me? Pa-ra-sites. They treat us like second-class citizens. There's no equality when you're The Flood. You go from being well-liked in your community to being some outcast social reject. Do you know how that feels? To be excluded from everything you once enjoyed and took part in? It pains me to think of the number of clubs I've been excluded from just because I'm The Flood. It's shameful, but it's a sign of the times we live in. I've come to expect it from others, but that doesn't mean I ever get over it. It hurts me every time I think about it.”87

By this time, the room was starting to develop a small tidal system from the amount of tears being shed by The Flood. Obi Wan realised he'd have to take control quickly, “Sure, but what does that have to do with me?”88

“Why have you come? You came like the evil Covenant, didn't you? You want to kill us and destroy our culture, our way of life, our very being. You want to brutally uproot us from our loved ones and repress us in every way you can, don't you?”89

“No, not really, I'm looking for a ship that went missing in this sector a while back.”90

The creature was stumped for a second, then said uncertainly, “Oh, that old thing. Follow me.”91

The creature got up on its tentacles and waved for them to follow it, as it led through the tunnel they had come. Leading down a few passageways, they came into a control room, with several screen displays. Scampering to one of them, the creature soon had a display up of what must have been a camera on board the dark ship. The footage showed a large grey ship with blinking blue lights, upon which Anakin was heard to mutter something about 'those designs' and 'teaching people their colours'. The ship was bearing down on the dark vessel when it was attacked by three Covenant vessels exactly like the ones towing the dark ship.92

The battle was very brief, with the UNSC ship being blown apart very quickly. As the creature turned the screen off, the sergeant sighed with relief. 93

“Well, sir” he turned to Obi Wan, “we can go make our report, this makes it obvious that the Covenant destroyed the ship we were to find.”94

Obi Wan nodded, “Let's head back to the transport then. Anakin, you bring up the rear.”95

Shrugging, the apprentice switched off his blade and the sergeant took the lead, leading them back to the hangar with the assistance of the small squid. Jumping into the transport, they waved to the small creature and his population of Flood, and began the flight back to the Spirit of Fire. 96

“Sir,” began Anakin, “that mission was a bit on the short side. Not much action or anything really happening. In fact, no action. I didn't kill anything. How the heck do I grow into a bad gangster-type with a funny voice if I can't kill things?”97

Obi Wan stroked his chin thoughtfully, “I hadn't thought of that. How about the mascot?”98

Anakin followed Obi Wan's pointing finger to a small canary which was quietly warbling to itself in the corner. His eyes lit up and there was flash of light and a puff of feathers floated softly to the floor. 99

“Happy now?”100

Anakin nodded and sat back in his seat contentedly.101

The transport docked on the UNSC Spirit of Fire where the Jedi and the sergeant reported their findings to the captain, with a few embellishments about establishments of forward command points and major battles. The captain thanked them warmly for their report, adding “I've received orders to join the main fleet as fast as possible, so we are to destroy these Covenant vessels and leave as soon as possible. Good work, and it sounds like the Jedi are at least equal to our SPARTANs in their combat abilities. Thankyou, Master Obi Wan and Padawan Anakin, the UNSC has appreciated your help. In return, we would like to give you two free passes to Disneyland and a few buy-one-get-one-free burger meal coupons.”102

Obi Wan waved his hand deprecatingly, “Oh, no reward is necessary, it was nothing really. We should get going though, so if you would be so kind as to point us in the direction of the amenities, we'll be leaving.”103

Cortana waved in a friendly fashion from her pedestal as the Jedi left the command centre. Making their way back to the hangar after a quick stop to see a man about a dog, they flew back to their fleet and took their strange report back to the Jedi Council.104

THE END