Part one - Surprise1
After days of saddle sores and wind Ranger JW McQueen (possum to his compadres) cast his, trail weary, eyes on the town of Surprise, Arizona. A cluster of ramshackle buildings and adobe huts inhabiting a lonesome stretch of hells half-acre. So dry,it was, when rabbits passed thru they carried their own water.2
He muttered to his horse, "paradise it ain't pard' but it'll do."3
A wagon rutted roadway ran the length of town serving as its only street. Gawd damn this infernal desert he muttered agin. Licking the sweat from his lips he led the big Gray, still limping from a stone bruised hoof, across the flats between higher ground and the bleakness of this uncompromising outpost of humanity. At the hitch rail he loosened the cinch giving the horse leave to catch its breath.4
Hungry enough to eat the asshole end of a snake he caught sight of a storefront sign advertising...5
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WHISKEY EGGS AND STEAK7
TWO BITS8
(served all day)9
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"Just what a body needs," he whispered in his Texas twang which the ladies found extremely charming.11
Right then, in a clatter of confusion and ten hours late from Tuscon, the eastbound stage rolled to a stop behind him temporarily blocking his access to a hot meal. Cranky from the ride he cursed the dust, spit and stumbled towards his destination lured by the scent of bacon frying.12
Storekeeper Charlie Breen, self-proclaimed spokesman for the town, smiled as the Ranger pushed in thru the doors.13
"What'll it be neighbor," Breen asked?14
"Coffee," came the gruff reply.15
Not one to waste words JW sat quietly, watching, as an elderly waitress, in a frumpy blue dress, filled his cup with a familiar brown liquid. Real coffee he thought not that murky shit he brewed while tracking desperadoes.16
"Anythin' else," she asked?17
"Eggs with all the fixin's and a shot of Red Eye whiskey," he said.18
From his shirt pocket he removed a poster he'd carried since before leaving Fort Huachuca. Rubbing his chin he chuckled, "them fucking outlaws'll have to squat to pee 'fore I'm finished with 'em." Capture of the Gentry boys, his assigned duty, on hold for the moment while he had the Grays limp attended to and himself grabbed a few winks of sleep.19
The matronly server returned, in minutes, a plate in one hand and a coffee pot in the other. Setting the food in front of him she asked, "more coffee mister?" Without looking up he nodded yes.20
Shoveling a forkful of home fries into his gaping mouth he washed 'em down with coffee. Several belches later, his hunger appeased, he leaned back, pulled out the makin's and rolled a smoke. Raising the glass he knocked back his head and swallowed the amber liquid in one quick breathless gulp. With a last gut pleasing belch he paid the tab and shuffled out the door.21
Returning to the hitch rail he stroked the big Grays nose and with a soothing manner said, "well sport let's you and I hobble over to the blacksmith and have 'im tend to your lost shoe."22
Tying up at the livery barn he called out, "hello anybody home." A voice in the back replied, "be with ya shortly." In moments a gentle giant emerged, from the shadows, at the rear of the stable wearing bib overalls, shirtless and a big smile. JW recognized him immediately and exclaimed, "Hondo ol' son how long's it been" and thrust his hand forward in a gesture of friendship. The big man scooped up JW in his bare arms and lifted him off the ground as if he weighed little more than a small sack of potatoes.23
Thirty minutes later, still chattering like two Magpies on a backyard fence, Hondo said, "it's great ta talk with ya JW, but right now I've got chores to finish. Let's have a drink at the saloon tonight and catch up on old times...okay."24
"Til then," JW replied, his thumb raised symbolizing the acceptance of Hondos invitation.
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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This is so reminiscent of my childhood bedtime stories that I'm gonna go one step further to recreate that wonderful memory, and read one a night. Then, if it doesn't get too risque', I'll do that for my grandkids. Thank you for reminding me of that wonderful memory, and also to share that joyful experience with them.
A good night's sleep ahead, now, thanks to you...= )
And I thank you for sharing your gift...I do so love a good cowboy story.
Ani -
I like westerns. This reads like a good John Wayne movie.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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A root'n toot'n all-out doodle of a wildwest yarn
Heh...this here tale is very vivid in its scene-setting and its atmoshperic western stage-coach town era. I was almost expecting to discover Clint Eastwood leaning nonchalantly against a wall somewhere!
I shall call the posse out to go find the next instalment...
Great story thus far.
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I enjoyed the humour sprinkled throughout this thoroughly enjoyable piece.
The suggestion about speech tags and punctuation marks has already been made so I won't dwell on the subject.
I like the main character, especially his outlook on life and grumpy persona.
This is a good start and I look forward to the next scene.
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The western style of writing is one of those evergreen things that never make the top ten but are always there. Very entertaining and wonderfully interesting.
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Of course, I loved it. I love the Western style of writing. I just can't do it and make it sound real. You are going to continue with this, please.
Nothing I see wrong and very intertaining.
Trish
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Very Nice
I like this. I am somewhat a fan of old western movies and this captures it. You do a very good job bringing the character of JW McQueen to life. Also, you just got some extra points cuz I'm from Arizona and I was picturing the place in the past as I read this. Please continue with what you're doing. Oh, and well done on the catchy title. It's what caught my eye in the first place.
beginning: 4, language: 5, plot: 4, ending: 4, dialog: 4, characters: 5.
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You need to use ' or " so we know when people are speaking.
I do like the character of JW though. He sound like something very solid to build upon.
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You have a good yarn winding up. Character introduction good, scene setting great. Curiosity aroused. Dialogue could be a little clearer so it's easy to see who's talking. I like the overall picture you paint and the minor, but important, detail you add to complete the picture.
Suggestion: Example of dialogue in last line:
"Deal! -- 'till then," replied JW, with his thumb in the air.
[I think it's easier for the reader like this.]
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Takes me back to Saturday mornings. Course TV was black and white then and their language wasn't quite as colorful as that you've used here but a very good scene.
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