Who is this person that I see,
this ugly and gruesome being
staring across at me?1
Why does she stare at me so?
Like if I died,
she'd finally be able to grow?2
Those sunken, dull, hateful eyes
convey the awful truth
I keep inside.3
Her hair is wild and white,
strewn about her head in a manner
that makes me quake with fright.4
I can smell her stench
even from where I stand,
that not even the strongest soap could quench.5
Her skin is waxen and gray
with the cold touch of death.
"Get out of here!" I say.
"Why must you be this way?"6
She doesn't reply.
She doesn't have to.
The answer is in her eye.7
Her lips part on a chilling grin
to reveal broken, rotting teeth.
I feel closer to the truth than I have ever been.8
"Why are you so ugly?
Why do you hate me so?
Why do you look at me so smugly?"9
The words have no effect,
for that's all they are; words.
But what did I expect?10
This old, decrepit lady is insane.
I do not recognize her at all,
and yet she's familiar;
the notion pounds at my brain.11
"I hate you."
The words are out before I can stop them.
"Get out of here, you useless old shrew!"12
She cackles,
and the sound
becomes a haunting shackle.13
By now, tears are streaming down my face.
I had to get out of here,
away from this evil place.14
Abruptly snapping back to reality,
I stare at the mirror,
and I see her staring back with finality.15
"I'm always here.
I'm the real you.
You're just a wisp of nothing, dear.16
You're the result of so much self-denial.
And I'm the real you,
the one that you hide away from the world.
So give up, dear child.
What do you have that's worth fighting for?"17
And then the realization slaps me in the face...
We are one and the same.
But she is the truth,
and I am the fake.
A contest entry
- Emotions by Pudding-zilla.
170 points, ended May 30, 16 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Poems - Join! by Unice the geek.
100 points, ended August 18, 50 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Abaddon's Cathedral: The Second Fall by Mag the Chodja.
175 points, ended July 24, 12 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - "Poetry" by rinzu.
175 points, ended August 14, 19 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 36 of 36
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the imagery was good...sent chills across my spine...and good usage of rhymes...good luck
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Abaddon's Cathedral
ooOooo, snap.
There's quite an ideal packed into those words of yours. I admit, as I was reading I didn't think too much of it. I assumed it was some sort of hallucination or a haunting, but that ending really put it all together for me. There's nothing like an inner struggle to show someone who they really are inside.
The only nitpick I have is that your rhymes were pretty basic. Short-syllabled and perfectly rhymed. Most of the time, perfect rhymes are choice and so much easier to use, but they sound elementary and somewhat cheesy. Try finding some imperfect rhymes to use now and again. Just as an example: philanthropy and sleep. Not perfect rhymes, but sounded out in your head, they match up (not side-by-side, but you get my drift).
I liked the metaphor in stanza 13, though. I don't hear the word shackle enough, and it fit the meaning you were trying to get by.
Overall, great job, and I loved this poem. I've often thought about writing something like this, but I never did go through with it. Thanks for entering my contest, and good luck! ^^
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Thank you so much for reading, commenting, and the suggestions!
The perfect rhyming is there for a reason; the falling apart of structure in the second half symbolizes her mind as she has her realization. But I'll keep that in mind for my future works!
Thanks again!
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It's creepy cuz it's true. Well I don't know, some people are really ugly inside even though on the outside they may look like a supermodel.
very good descriptions in this poem. The imagery was at times...chilling. Wonderful use of words.
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Like it.
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very moving...and true. most people hide who they really are.good job and good luck in my contest.
-This old, decrepit lady is insane.
I do not recognize her at all,
and yet she's familiar;
the notion pounds at my brain.11
that was my favorite line! great job!
i hope to see more of your work in some of my upcoming contests!
once again-good job! -
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Thank you!
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WOW!!! the old lady reminds me of that...old lady off snow white
...i think anyway haha, good luck!
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nice...
I think everyone has a different version of them inside that they let no one see, eve hide from themselves. I think we try to portray the person we want to be, wish to be to people.
Great job, good luck!
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This poem is true and it speaks out to many people who have...desperately tried to be something they weren't.
You did an excellent job!
-Lydia May (Angel) -
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Thanks! Yeah, it's unfortunate how many people go through this. :/ It says a lot about society.
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it speakes alot of truth in a weird but amzing way its a relly good poem!
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this is a good poem!!!
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Glad you think so!
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very moving...and true. most people hide who they really are.good job and good luck in my contest!
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Thank you! :]
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Nice very interesting. I loved the flow too.
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Thanks! :]
Wow, there's a looot of stories entered in your contest. xD Although I'm sure you've heard that a lot. -
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Yeah I have lol
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Hopefully it's fun reading them all! :] I must say, you've read an awful lot of 'em already. It would've taken me foreverrr. I'm impressed!
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Wow i reallyy like the flow of this piece
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Thank you!
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not a problem it was really good
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wow. the end was... shocking. a mirror, yet her being the one on the inside, and you being the fake. wow. great job. good luck.
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Thank you!
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Your welcome
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Lovely, simply lovely. The imagery was very nice but not overwhelming. However it is little more then fiction my dear for you are the truth and behind that is more truth and it is beautiful not ugly. Its bright, gentle, sweet and gorgeous. ♥
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i loved that. if there was a way to favorite it I would. that was great. It flowed well. You astonish me again. I love your writing. THis was fantastic. you did great. I'm going to read it again... Its even better the second time. I can see what your saying/exspressing in this poem. Please write more soon. Keeping working hard and someday it will pay off.
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That was shmeet. Once again your writing surprises me...in a crazy good way.
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THANKS! Now I have to read your storiesss...
x]
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This is amazing, love but very untrue. You're so beautiful and you're more real than I'll ever be. Plese don't say such things about yourself.
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You guys are gonna make me cryyyy! xD
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I'd hope so. Maybe crying will wash out all the delusions from your eyes so you can see how beautiful you are.
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Oh. My. Gosh.
peace,
.PP. -
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<33
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HOLY CRAP, THAT'S KIND OF FUCKING AMAZING, I THINK I LOVE YOU. I think I love you forever because you wrote this, even though it's not happy, and being unhappy is against my religion, but I DON'T EVEN CARE. If our babies don't get your writing ability I think I might die.
Love. Lovelovelovelovelovelovelove.
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