A Broken Doll

Ever since I was born, I’ve been living in the shadow of others. No matter how much I crave the spotlight, no matter how hard I work to be noticed, I’m always topped by someone who doesn’t even appreciate it. It’s like I’m always trying to come first but it’s somebody else’s race. 1

First, it was my big brother. 16 years old, good-looking, captain of his basketball team, straight-A student and adored by students and teachers alike. Everyone wanted to be like him. I felt so inferior, because he was better at everything – and no one ever noticed his stupid little sister. 2

My parents loved and praised him every day, telling me to take him as an example. So I tried. I got A’s at school, I made lots of friends, I became good at sports. But my parents never even noticed me. I was good, but I wasn’t the best. I knew that I was different that the rest of them; I didn’t care about their foolish schoolyard games or their petty little ABCs. I hated that – I wished that I was like everyone else, thinking that it would make my parents love me more.3

Deep down, I knew that I was made for bigger things. I understood so much more than the other children – they seemed silly and immature to me. I slowly got angry with everyone around me who didn’t recognize my brilliance, my talent, my originality. My brother and his achievements looked so trivial now – and my parents seemed pathetic for admiring him. Fury built up inside me as everyone continued to ignore my genius. I soon realized that if my brother didn’t exist, I’d be their only child and the centre of attention.4

So one night, I sneaked into the garage and tampered with my brother’s car. It was easy really; the operating system was simple enough for me to understand it. I gloated with pride when I thought that the other 8-year-olds couldn’t even come close to doing something like this. The next day, my brother and his friends sped along the motorway, on their way to the beach. With a smirk, I imagined them laughing and joking, and my brother speeding to impress his strawberry blonde girlfriend. But he couldn’t slow down. I could almost see him hitting the break frantically, careless laughter turning to panicked screams. He drove straight into his death.5

They never found out who tampered with that car. What I know for sure is, no one suspected me. No one even considered the idea. I was just his 8-year-old sister, plunged in a world of shock and grief. I couldn’t have done it – I wasn’t clever enough. They pitied me. This was annoying, but I was soothed by the idea of getting my parents’ full attention now. But it didn’t happen like that at all. My parents got lost in a world of their own, where I didn’t even exist. My dad went out to work in the morning and didn’t come home until 3AM. My mum locked herself in her room and stopped eating. I was more alone than ever.6

Soon, I tried making a friend at school, hoping that she would praise and admire me. Her name was Jade, and she had pretty long red hair. She was loud and fun and bubbly, and I knew that others girls were jealous because she was my friend. This pleased me to no end. But when I tried to show her what I could do, she yawned and twirled her hair and asked if we could play with her dolls. I soon realised that she didn’t care about how impressively clever I was. Rage bubbled up inside me.7

One weekend, Jade and her parents invited over to their place. It was a beautiful red brick house, decorated with tidy potted flowers on the windowsills. It stood near a tall cliff which overlooked the savage sea below. The danger exhilarated me. But I was also jealous; jealous of Jade in her perfect little world, with her pretty house, her beautiful mother and goofy father. 8

We played for hours outside on the lawn, just a few meters away from the cliff. We named Jade’s expensive porcelain dolls and pretended they were alive and our friends. This bored me to no end – but I had a plan.9

I let the rosy-cheeked doll I was holding lie limp in my hand. Jade looked up at me inquisitively, clutching her own doll tightly.10

“Is Suzy okay?” she asked naively, referring to the doll which lay lifelessly in my possession. 11

“Yes, she’s fine,” I said, “I just thought of a new game. Will you play with me?” I smiled at Jade innocently. She looked hesitant. 12

“What do I have to do?” she asked finally. I got up from the grass and pulled her to a standing position. 13

“Close your eyes,” I whispered. She obeyed. “Now, take three big steps back.”14

“I’m not allowed to go near the cliff,” she uttered fearfully, her eyes fluttering open. I clutched her hand.15

“You’re not going to fall,” I lied. “We’re friends, remember? I won’t let you fall.” Jade smiled happily and nodded, then took three careful steps back. She was ominously close to the cliff. I glanced behind me to make sure no one was coming.16

“What do I do now?” Jade asked. I turned back to her. A few freckles were sprinkled over her cheeks, and her eyes were filled with trust and curiosity. She looked strikingly innocent. I examined her face, her pretty face and sweet smile which everyone loved. I thought of her parents, who adored her to pieces and gave her everything she wanted. The girls at school who ran after her and begged her to play with them. She didn’t deserve them. She was stupid. She didn’t deserve any of them!17

With a sudden surge of anger, I shoved Jade off the edge of the cliff. She screamed, and reached out her hand in a futile attempt to save herself. I almost gasped when I saw her eyes, bursting with terror and realisation. Just a glimpse of those eyes was enough to make me feel like it was worth it. I felt a rush of power, because for the first time in my life I felt that I had done something big. Something that everyone would hear about, something that would shock and horrify the world. I had killed someone with my own hands. But no one would ever know it was me.18

I realised I was still holding the doll. Letting it fall out of my hands, I let out a shrill scream of horror. The porcelain doll smashed on the ground in front of me, her smile cracking in two. In moments, Jade’s parents came rushing out of the house.19

“What’s wrong? What’s wrong?” they cried urgently.20

“Jade!” I sobbed, “Jade! She fell off the cliff!”21

Time seemed to slow down. The grief-stricken mother let out an agonized shriek, lunging forward as if she could somehow save her daughter. Her husband threw himself towards her and stopped her from toppling over herself. The woman’s blood-curdling scream pierced the air, filled with such vivid pain and horror that I almost feared she would awaken her dead daughter. But this horrible anguish I could see only pleased me more as I pretended to sob in shock and despair.22

Later, they made it clear to me that I was not to blame for anything. They said that I had been through a lot and they were sorry I had to live through yet another horrifying experience. I was so young, they said, and I had been through so much. If only they knew.23

My next victim didn’t come long after. I noticed that my teacher, Mrs. Thomas, had started to behave strangely around me. When I looked at her, I noticed a tinge of fear in her eyes. She seemed strangely pained, worried, concerned. In the school yard, she would whisper things to other teachers and glance at me briefly. Thankfully others just shrugged her off. But I was sure that she suspected me; I knew that she had detected the twisted triumph in my eyes, the odd pride and the deadly resent I held towards everyone else. I was furious at her. What if she gave me away? I decided that this could not go on anymore. 24

I planned her murder carefully. I couldn’t afford to make mistakes on this one. But I knew it would be my best one yet, the most successful one, the most horrifying and gruesome murder I had committed. Soon, my opportunity came. 25

Mrs. Thomas lived in a small one-story house just outside the town. She wasn’t rich, but she was happily married to a young man and they had two children which were both younger than me. There was a blond curly-haired boy and a smiley brown-eyed girl. Their parents adored them, yet they hadn’t done anything special in their lives. They didn’t deserve the love.26

One Friday night, I took the bus to the outskirts of the town. It was easy since my mum was alone in her room as usual, and my dad was out getting drunk. I arrived in a quiet neighbourhood, sleeping lightly, sweet and undisturbed. I walked a couple of blocks until I reached Mrs. Thomas’s address. 57 Oak Street. 27

To my delight, the lock was easy to pick. The door opened silently, and a shaft of moonlight illuminated the hall in front of me. I surveyed the room. It was cosy and warm, just like I expected it. The doors were made of a dark wood, and there were a lot of colourful rugs and curtains thrown around. 28

I grinned, almost maniacally. I couldn’t wait to see the flames licking the walls, dancing aimlessly from curtains to doors and silently yet lethally disrupting this tidy little home. I struck a match, holding the tiny fire close to my face. It jumped around impatiently, urging me to release it onto something other than the flimsy matchstick. I held it to the curtains, and it leapt onto them hungrily. I lit yet another match, and dropped it onto the rug. The flames ate at the cloth, and I stood watching them, mesmerized. Soon, I was lighting fire to everything I could see. I threw lit matches onto couches, tables, doors, curtains and walls, and I danced excitedly through the silent pandemonium. I was in a trance, thrilled by the flames which now engulfed the house. Finally, I had found something like me. Something which loved to kill, which fed on the destruction of others. The fire spread excitedly through the house, taking over like a terrorist. The temperature rose, and soon the heat felt scorching against my skin. I stood in the middle of the room, surrounded by a raging hot fire with no hope of escape. The flames crept across the floor towards me, and I stood paralyzed, finally realising my fate. It was too late. 29

Author notes

A few things I'd like to point out for those interested:
1. This story was originally named 'Different' but I decided to change it to 'A Broken Doll', referring to "Suzy", Jade's porcelain doll. The significance of this is that the narrator of the story is like a broken doll, once beautiful and full of talent, dreams and hope. However all that was taken away from the narrator by all the people in her life, who were completely uninterested in the her. This way she was "broken" and took the wrong path.

2. You have probably noticed that I never mentioned the narrator's name, and this is to emphasize how unnoticed she remained throughout her life, despite her brilliance. She died at a very young age & never left her mark on the world. Even the murders she committed don't link back to her.

PROMPT;;
Create a story about a mass murder, but make the killer a highly intelligent child. (Sick I know, but it would stand out from other murder stories).

Of course I would choose the more twisted prompt of the lot

Note: This does qualify as 'mass murder'. Here's a definition from Wikipedia:
"Mass murder is the act of murdering a large number of people, typically at the same time or over a relatively short period of time."
and specifically,
"The term "mass murder" refers to the killing of FOUR OR MORE people during a particular event."

A contest entry

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    : Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have 0. (?) (Line numbers)
    Ratings:

Comments

1 - 53 of 53
  • Marta gold member
    October 28

    Edit | Reply
    My,my my...What do we have here, could you be a child prodigy?

    A good story, and what a wonderful villian.

    You're going to give the competition a run for the gold trophy.

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.


  • E Ardania
    October 14

    Edit | Reply
    You've written a very creepy story! An eight-year-old child being capable of killing people gives me the chills.

    You've set her (the unnamed narrator) up very well, describing a part of her life and giving the reader the roots of her hatred (if you would call it that). I love how you've done that without giving a life story and you've made me sympathise with her. Her personality also comes across very vividly, which enhances her character in the story significantly.

    An interesting story to read. It was great!


  • Le Masquerade silver member
    July 28
    Edit | Reply
    Cool! I really enjoyed this thanx for enrering


  • Rose Hathaway
    July 13

    Edit | Reply
    Ah, I remember this one! I seem to have already read this so please refer back to my previous comment. This is an amazing story. Thankyou for entering 'Trophy Theuf!'


  • Unkillable Monster
    July 5
    Edit | Reply
    I absolutely loved this

  • DeathByChocolate
    June 30

    Edit | Reply
    Wow! Creepy!!!!!!!! Well written, i love the twisted plot. I loved reading this. You get an extra clappy thingy for an awesome title!

    Good Luck, I think we have a finalist here


  • pyschogirl
    June 29

    Edit | Reply
    That was a twisted and intriguing story. Very murderous, very depressing, kinda sad, and full of hate. It really shows why parents shouldn't have favorites


  • Surreal Rhapsody
    June 25

    Edit | Reply
    Wow, she was creepy. I liked the bits of symbolism you had- the fact hername was never said, the link of fire to her and the broken doll part. I have to admit, I hated the main character (that's not a bad thing. As one author has said to me, a story is good if it makes you feel that strongly about a character) because she was really self centered in so many ways. I mean, I think that even if she had been the center of attention throughout her life, she still would be a little crazy. Self-centerness gets on mty nerves, and she's really self-pitying. I mean, her life wasn't perfect, but she had a better life than a lot of other people, and the destruction of her life was made because she caused it by killing her brother. I find it hard to believe that, before her brother died, she got absolutly no attention from her parents. They didn't give her credit for her triuphs, but blantent neglect wasn't mentioned at all. Until, that is, after she killed her brother.

    ha ha, sorry for not linking your mc. Just my humble opinion. Wonderful story, I enjoyed it a lot. Good luck on Unhearted contests. Thank you for posting.

    -Savannah


    • elenii
      June 25
      Edit | Reply
      I'm glad you feel strongly about the character - that was my purpose! Thank you for a great comment!


  • Shadow Pixie
    June 25

    Edit | Reply
    Wow.
    That was incredibly disturbing, but amazing. Really, really amazing. I don't think there's anything else I can say.
    Thanks for the entry!!!
    Good luck


  • LindaIsMe
    June 24
    Edit | Reply
    Creppy. Me likey! A child killer? Thats something I havn't read yet. You captured my attention, and the description was nice. Not to little, not to much The character was developed nicely throughout it, and at a decent pace too. I learned more and more about her without all of the information coming in one large snowball. Good job, and good luck in the contest! Thanks for entering


  • amanda vampiress silver member
    June 23

    Edit | Reply
    This was great! Thank you for entering my contest. I really enjoyed reading your story about the child mass murderer. You capture the child's perspective well; which is not an easy thing to do sometimes. Also, thank you for following the rules.

    On a scale of 1-5, one being the least and five being the highest:

    a). the plot -5

    The plot...the plot...the plot. I thoroughly enjoyed the plot! I'm not usually one for horror but your story kept my attention and left me wanting for more. I also enjoyed how everything ended up like a cause and an effect; that was nicely done.

    b. characterization -5

    As for characterization, you did a really good job here as well. I thought it was perfect how you weaved the characters' characteristics within your story instead of out-right stating it. Good job!

    c). dialogue -4

    I gave your story a four for dialogue mainly because there was not much to go on. The story was mainly narration -which I am fine with- but I had to grade on this element regardless. I did enjoy what bit of dialogue that was in your story though; it was evil but I loved it!

    d). organization -5

    I did not spot anything out of place or any errors. Everything flowed very well from paragraph to paragraph. I also had no trouble reading your story. Good job!

    e). description -5

    Wonderful! Wonderful descriptions! I loved how you described the girl's anguish, loneliness, and the power and passion she felt for killing people. This was very well written and really deserved a 5 rating.

    f). uniqueness -5

    Your story was very unique. So far (as I am grading the contest) your story has only been the second story that revolved around a child murderer. Even so, each of those stories were unique and taken into very different directions. I like how you made the comparison between the girl and the fire at the end.

    Thank you for entering into my contest and good luck. This was a lovely read and I do hope you are planning on continuing this; that is if there was a way to.


    • elenii
      June 23
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you so much, I'm glad you liked it!! ^^


  • sberendt gold member
    June 22
    Edit | Reply
    I thoroughly loved this! The way she reacted to her situation in life was believable. The murders she committed weren't too extreme or complicated for her age and abilities, which was good for the believability. About the whole lock-piking thing and no alarm? That was the only thing that seemed a bit off. I think that part still works, since not everyone has a house alarm.

    Anyway, great story!


    • elenii
      June 23
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you!! ^^ I honestly didn't think of the alarm, my house doesn't have one so ;D


  • VioletConcept
    June 21

    Edit | Reply
    Wow... Um... I have no idea what to say... Um. Just wow is all I can think of. It's really good. I see why you have won trophies for it.


  • LilyFate
    June 21
    Edit | Reply

    Love it!

    I loved this story. I had read it before but its one of thoes that you had to reread because it was so good.

    I like how even though she was only 8 she had an exceptional vocabulary. I didnt see any mistakes.

    It was very creepy though. And the ending was kind of sad, i mean that she died.

    good luck in my contest!

    -LilyFate


  • Diary-chan
    June 18

    Edit | Reply
    *claps* Despite the gruesome crimes this poor girl commited, you managed to make me feel all that sympathy for her. Especially when I read numbers one and two in the A/N, which made it even more sad.

    I'd say this story is more inspirational than horrific, and I'll be thinking about it for a while - though sadly not in a scared way.

    Despite my lack of being terrified this peice, it does contain a lonely beauty with great similes and metaphors, personification, even sensory language. Twisted as it may seem, I kind of wish the little girl lived longer and commited more murders... and more than just because you have impeccable grammar and I wanted to revel in its perfection longer

    Again, wonderful. Thanks for entering and good luck in the contest!

    ~Kitty


  • Asfand
    June 17

    Edit | Reply
    The plot and its execution were effortless. Writing and prose was impeccable. I truly loved this piece.

    Wonderful characterization. You added background, gave dimension to the girl - great job! I think there might actually be nothing wrong with the whole piece. Its perfect.

    EXCEPT the ending. This was a bummer for me. I think that it doesn't do justice to the whole story and the girl. There's no resolution in it.

    Other than that, fantastic piece!


  • Marisalyn13
    June 14
    Edit | Reply
    very very incredible. finlists list!!! good job and thanks for entering


  • Lekos Memory
    June 14
    Edit | Reply
    Oh my god this is freakin awesome. I'm a huge crime and horror fan. I find it fasinating. This is amazing. You used great details and the story plot is great. I'm glad I don't know a kid like that. I'm adding you as a finalist.

    Thanks for entering this in my contest.

  • Lekos Memory
    June 14
    Edit | Reply
    Oh my god this is freakin awesome. I'm a huge crime and horror fan. I find it fasinating. This is amazing. You used great details and the story plot is great. I'm glad I don't know a kid like that. I'm adding you as a finalist.

    Thanks for entering this in my contest.


  • Dead Beauty
    June 10
    Edit | Reply

    Judge's comment

    Well, first things first.
    You're a finalist
    Now, what I liked about it...

    It was absolutely fantastic, brilliant and very very clever. I must admit you are a great writer and this really did suit the Crime topic. Hmm... what else to say? Speechless. Haha, good luck!


  • CheshireCat
    May 25
    Edit | Reply
    you earn some applauds!

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.

  • CheshireCat
    May 25

    Edit | Reply
    THAT IS AMAZING! It is so different and so clever! It fits together so perfectly! You are definantly going to be the next Steven King. My story doesn't stand a chance in the contest! I bet you'll win, good luck writing!

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.

  • Rolla
    May 22

    Edit | Reply

    yeah...

    wow you are amazing at writing eleni courea! You seem to have quite a corrupted mind and you actually remind me of these 2 friends i have who are quite messed up. Their names are Iris and Lola. Well... great story! i hope you werent thinking of actually pushing someone off a cliff... like lets say... FIONA. Hope you enjoy my comment eleni courea. I'll see you on the other side. So long, buddy. <3


  • Willowleaf-
    May 21

    Edit | Reply

    Wow

    That was really good writing. I loved the wording and use of the words, and the plot. That was amazing. I am wordless!!!!


    • elenii
      May 22
      Edit | Reply
      Wow, thanks, I'm glad you liked it that much! =D


  • Dual.Of.Fireflies
    May 21

    Edit | Reply

    Wow.

    I'm so glad you made her die at the end! That was some great crap! (I Want the Greatest Crap You Can Give Me Contest.) You're an awesome writer. Good luck in the contest!
    -Moonlight Flames

  • Starcrafter
    May 20

    Edit | Reply
    Wow, a disturbing yet entertaining story. She had some real problems, it sort of seemed a little humorous that she became this innocent little girl to a maniacal killer. At first, she was a bit guilty of her crimes, but near the end, she said stuff like "My next victim...". Her whole personality changes; she could have been a great success in life.

    It was a good story, I liked how the symbolism and the significance of the broken doll really described the main character. Because it is true, she is like a broken doll. Which in the end, it's sad because she could have done better by her choices. I almost felt the girl's anger and pain inside of me... kind of scary!

    Good luck in the contest (I mean... all the contests you're in) you'll do well! I won't even bother trying to enter in, I couldn't compare well with good stories like this.


    • elenii
      May 21
      Edit | Reply
      Wow! Thank you so much, I'm glad you liked my story!!


  • Ms.Daydream
    May 19
    Edit | Reply
    O-M-G. This is a bit like Halloween the movie! So spooky! But it's just great! =O


  • Cupcake14
    May 19

    Edit | Reply
    No wonder! I was feeling sad because I'd viewed your story, because it meant it wouldn't place on my contest(You know, the whole -shouldn't-have-commented-on-it-before-thing), but luckily, this was entered!
    This story conveyed jealousy marvellously, I could feel the narrator's anger somehow bubbling up inside ME even though I didn't sympathize with her. I think you have a good shot at the gold, though I don't want to make any promises to you at this stage. I'd just like to say you're a FINALIST!

    It’s like I’m always trying to come first but it’s somebody else’s race. 1-Um...what you mean is that 'I'm always trying to come first, but I never win.' I think that would be better.

    The fire bit reminded me of a film called 'Backdraft' where there was this guy called Ronald-just a bit character I think-who loved burning places down, killing even a little girl in the bargain.

    almost maniacally-lol, she is a maniac, not almost.

    Good job, and best of luck in amanda vampiress' contest too. P.S. I think she wanted you to leave the comment on the contest, not on the story...not sure.

    • elenii
      May 19
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you so much, you have no idea how great your comment makes me feel!

      About the phrase "I'm always trying to come first but it’s somebody else’s race.", thanks for the advice! You may be right. xD It's a quote I picked up from a movie I love, 'What Happens in Vegas'.

      & Haha that sounds like a creepy movie xD

      I think you're right, I'll leave a comment on the contest just in case. Thanks!!!

  • elenii
    May 18
    Edit | Reply
    Yes, I have read, understand, and will abide by the rules of your contest Amanda Vampiress. Also, I recognize that should I choose not to do so, there is a great possibility that I will be disqualified.

    Hope you like my story! x

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