Camp Ka-Nik-Ka-Nik was a camp much like the ones many of you have visited before. It had a lake for swimming, trails for hiking, rocks for climbing, pottery for painting, and crafts for crafting. And of course, if you were anything like I was, you would have looked forward to the barn, with the horses for riding. 1
Horses were not the only animals at the barn, though they were the ones who received the most attention. While campers waited for rides, they could pet the velvety-soft rabbits, laugh at the clumsy (and smelly) pink piglets, or feed the cranky Llama, Bo. You had to be careful when it came to Bo, though. If you tried to get too friendly with him, he'd spit!2
But this story is not about Bo, or any of the other animals you have already met. This story is about an animal that didn't quite fit in with the others at the barn. Her name was Jasmine, and she was a cow. 3
"A cow?" You might say, "I've seen lots of cows." 4
Well, that may be true, but Jasmine, while in many ways just like every other cow, was in some very special ways different from any other cow you've known. 5
Like all cows, Jasmine started out as a calf. But even before that, she spent the first months of her life inside her mother's big, warm belly. She loved to fall asleep listening to her mother's strong heartbeat and deep, even breathing. Even when she was full grown, Jasmine would sometimes make herself very quiet and still, just to remember the specialness of that time. Unlike you and I, cows don't forget important things like that. 6
But as the time drew near for Jasmine to be born, she began to notice a change in her mother. Her breathing became faster, and her heartbeat weaker. Jasmine began to feel more and more cramped, and often moved around to find a more comfortable position. Then one day, she woke to find that she was squeezed so tightly, she could no longer move at all! Jasmine wasn't worried though, because she was still warm and safe. And besides, she felt like something big was about to happen. 7
Jasmine didn't know it, but her mother had been sold at an auction a few months earlier. The chicken farmer who bought Jasmine's mother wanted a cow that could produce milk for him, his enormous wife, and their nine spoiled children. But unfortunately, Jasmine's mother had become gravely ill while at the auction. When so many animals are jostled together in such a small space, it's very easy to get sick. Jasmine's mother was one of the unlucky ones. 8
Because she was so sick, Jasmine's mother became unable to give milk only a couple weeks after the farmer bought her. The farmer's wife was furious! She ordered the farmer to punish the cow for her stubbornness. 9
"We ped good herd earned money fer thet cow! I don't care if ye beat it out of 'er, we will hev our milk!" She punctuated her screams with a few well-aimed pots and pans. 10
While he was henpecked, the farmer was not a cruel man. He also knew that beating the cow would no more produce milk than beating his empty wallet would produce money. He wisely decided to get rid of the cow. He knew his wife wouldn't stand for any more time or effort wasted on a worthless cow, so he was in a pinch. How could he find a home for the cow, without upsetting his wife even more? He wracked his brain, until inspiration struck. 11
A few months back, the family had purchased a new couch. The farmer's wife had ordered him to get rid of the old one, declaring, "I don't even want to look at that ugly old thing anymore!" The farmer didn't have time to drive all the way into town to the dump, so he had hauled the couch out to the end of their long driveway and left it on the side of the road. His plan had been to load it up into his truck bed the next time he headed into town, but it was gone by the next time he headed to the mailbox!12
So, the farmer took Jasmine's mother and tied a strong rope around her neck. Whistling softly to her, he led the cow to the end of the long gravel driveway and tied her to the gatepost. 13
He regarded her with compassion, but helplessness. "Well old gel, I'm sorry to do this, but there's jest nothing fer it." He scratched her ear. She stared at him with vacant eyes. He sighed. "I wish ye luck." Slowly, he turned and trudged back to the house. He was no longer whistling. 14
Unfortunately for Jasmine's mother, cows are not as much in demand as are couches. You see, no one sees a cow and imagines how nicely it will compliment their end tables. Many people passed by, but no one stopped. 15
The sun grew hot at midday, and enormous horseflies buzzed and bit. Jasmines mother was thirsty, but there was no water. Her legs were shaky, but the rope was too short for her too lie down. A truck whizzed by, overflowing with laughing teenagers. One of them threw an aluminum can from the truck bed. It bounced painfully off of the cow's dusty hide. The truck raised a cloud of dust that stung her eyes and burned in her throat. She felt dizzy. 16
Jasmine's mother barely noticed another cloud of dust approaching, rising above the sparse trees and clouding out the midday sun. She didn't hear a thing when the dilapidated old truck crunched to a halt on the dirt road. She felt nothing when two pairs of strong arms hauled her up into a trailer and laid her gently down. She wasn't bothered at all by the ruts and bumps in the road as the truck sped toward its destination. 17
Inside her mother's belly, Jasmine felt restless and uncomfortable. Something was wrong, though she couldn't quite put her hoof on it. When she realized what had changed, an unfamiliar feeling of panic overtook her. 18
Her mother's heartbeat had stopped. 19
A contest entry
- Prologues and chapter ones... by Lekos Memory.
125 points, ended May 27, 87 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Trophies for the Trophy-less by May Kingston.
175 points, ended May 24, 72 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Make it Feel Real! (Points Will Go Up) by May Kingston.
375 points, ended May 30, 23 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 17 of 17
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I love the beginning of this story. It was really rather depressing, for the cow that is, but it foreshadows the following chapters perfectly. I see that you are still considering this a children's story - I maintain suggesting the age group of around 12 years old for your target audience.
Great start! -
Awww... this was really sad. I liked it, though it was a little strangely worded at the beginning. The camp part was a little too long, as it didn't really seem to tie in much with the rest of the story. The story is more about the cow itself, so that should make up a greater bulk of the story. Otherwise, not bad at all. I really liked it. Thanks for entering!
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oh my god. so sad! poor cow(tho i always tease my sis about her "stupid" toy cow/bull) if it's for a children book, it depends on which age group this is targeted at. if it less than 10, i sugest using a simpler voice, more innocent. if 11-12, then this is fine. i hope it gets happier(:
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Excellent
I love stories about talking animals,poor calf so safe for a while then exposed to the cruel world of people. so much like a child uncared for by an ailing mother.beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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A little sad for kids.Don't know if they would want to read anymore after Jasmine dies. Probably be a little easier read without the accented dialogue. doesn't flow very well even for an adult. Not a bad story though. Hope the next chapter is a little more upbeat.
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A very sad story for children
You don't want to make the children cry, so hopefully it gets a bit happier as it goes on.
From a technical point of view it is very well written and it flows very smoothly.
I particularly liked the descriptions of the farmer and his cruel wife as this seemed to be a very realistic and recognisable couple.
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Oh my gosh, that poor cow
I love the accents that you use in this and the descriptions. So far, you have a wonderful start at a novel. I don't have kids but even I would be tempted to pick this up at a book store. I can picture it so vividly inside my head. I can't wait for you to add more to this story. I have got to find out exactly what happens!
Joann
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I like this very much, the way you draw in, and grab attention, its good for the kids, and often the adult reading aloud, my ten year old would love this, i like how you didn't oversimplify, kids love language
I loved the accents too, i hail from barnsley in yorkshire, we have one of the strongest local dialects in england, so they completely fascinate me, and i know kids love em too
honest opinion, if i saw the first pages in a bookshop, and it was backed up with some excellent illustrations, i would buy a copy, and i have been buying kids books for about twenty years, so im picky
bravo my friend, you did a great job -
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chapter two is now posted, if you'd like to check it out!
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My eyes are stinging...
...over that poor cow! This is one of the saddest beginnings I've ever read in a children's story. I don't think I've ever become weepy over a first chapter of a children's book before, but right now my heart is hurting. That poor, poor cow. Mind you, after Bambi's mother was killed, I sat through the rest of that movie in shock when I was five years old. Grown up, I cried something like six times watching "AI"
I guess from a literary critique pov, I would recommend saving the dramatic tugging on heart strings for the second chapter; with embellishing more about the camp in the first chapter. May I suggest building up more of a background of Jasmine and what she does at the summer camp in your first chapter, before handing out the tissues over her poor, poor mother?
BTW great author's voice for the narration and an excellent writing style for little eyes.
beginning: 4, language: 4, plot: 4, ending: 4, dialog: 4, characters: 4.
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Chapter two is now posted, if you'd like to check it out!
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Very depressing so far (I found it hard to read, personally, because I love animals.) But well written.
Good job!
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This is a children's book? xD
Sorry, it's actually a very good story, it's just...a little depressing for a children's book.
Ahem.
Very good. The flow was nice, (though I did have trouble with the dialogue, but after the first two lines or so, it settled in and the voices were smooth) and the story was pretty well-constructed.
Grammar and punctuation, from what I can tell, is fairly solid as well. Good job with the story, and keep it up. Hopin' for a happier tone in the next progression. ^^
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chapter two has now been posted, if you'd like to check it out.
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Oh my, this story is already depressing. I have a very special spot in my heart for animals. Even cows get more respect from me than a human would get. For some reason I have always rather be in the company of animals than human beings.
I hope this story will get lighter. I think you did a very good job describing and explaining everything. Thank you for entering this into my contest.
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chapter two is now posted!
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yes, it does get lighter. I believe in happy endings
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