Tebethye: chapter 1

What a peaceful sight it must be, the precious moments just before dawn when not a noise is made aside from the cool, Tebithian breeze, blowing across the sand, pushing it here and there in an almost graceful manner. The sky, still speckled with stars, withheld a silver eye that could look down upon the scattered towns and dusty dunes. An eye that seemed to be so wide awake, when all below it was being held in there own world, a world of dreams and comfortable slumber.1

But if that all-seeing eye were to look away from the villages, and the restful masses that inhabited them, deep into the desert where few dare to travel, it would be gazing upon a small collection of houses, neatly aligned in two rows, four to each. And, from one of these dwellings, it would see a spark of life before it set and made way for its fiery brother.2

A boy stepped out of his door, allowing the cool sand to devour his feet and the chilly breeze wash over him in refreshing gusts. Silently he made his way into the open desert, steps steady despite the unstable surface beneath him. His green eyes stared into the horizon, which was beginning to glimmer ever so slightly, a soft smile resting on his lips, seeming to regard the strengthening glow with matching warmth.3

When he seemed to have felt that he had traveled enough, he sat upon the ground, gaze never straying from the splendor unfolding before him as he saw what he knew what must be the grandest miracle of all: the night turning to day. 4

“It’s extra bright today.” He thought as he winced at the growing light, “It seems so close, almost as if you could reach out and grab it.” He smiled at this thought, considering vaguely how one might go about catching the sun. He wondered if one ran for it, if he could catch up to it just before it went rose into the sky, but then realized it would be too far to run. “Besides,” he thought “what would you do with it once you had it?” He smiled again and fell to his back looking into the heavens, so infinite above him, colored dark blue, purple and pink from the rising sun, thinking of what a better place the sky is for something so grand. 5

He closed his eyes and basked in the colors, letting the sand cover his arms as the wind blew it over him.6

* * * * * * * * * * * * 7

“Joseph.” 8

A voice whispered from above him. Joseph opened his eyes, only to find that they had been met by two others, light blue. His heart skipped a beat as he jumped out of shock and the girl before him broke out laughing.9

“Lizzie,” He murmured, still taken aback by the shock, “you woke up early today.”10

She smiled her characteristically wide smile, red hair blowing wildly in the wind, “Did not.” She replied, still chuckling lightly, “I came out here and you had fallen asleep.”11

“I did?” Joseph asked, looking up at the sun, and for the first time noticing how high it had become.12

“Sure did.” Lizzie said, and yanked him to his feet, “I told you, you wake up too early, it’s a lot better then you seem to think to just sleep. You’re like an old man!” 13

Joseph smiled at his friend, but no sooner than he did a harsh cry rang out over the dunes. 14

“Lizzie! Joseph!” 15

Lizzie flinched lightly at the sound, then, peevishly scowled in the direction of the noise.16

“Was that Opal?” Joseph asked quietly, “Lizzie, what did you do?”17

“I didn’t do anything.” Lizzie said with irritation, “She just woke up this morning with a stick up her butt. Not that that’s unusual.”18

“JOSEPH!” Opal hollered again, “LIZZIE!!”19

“She sounds angry.” Joseph murmured nervously, “Are you sure you didn’t do anything?” 20

“I told you I didn’t,” Lizzie grumbled, although this time she faltered as the distant voice impatiently barked for them again. “You heard her; we’d better get going before her head explodes.” She giggled, “Not that I would mind so much. But we’d never hear the end of it from Flint.”21

The two began walking towards their alleged doom, and making sure to take their time about it as well. They eventually approached a huge barn, sitting beside one of the end houses trying to maintain as much dignity as they could manage. 22

Joseph looked at the sandy ground beneath him, hoping, with all his heart that Lizzie was telling the truth. Opal could be nice, but when she got angry she was vicious. Lizzie and Joseph were a team, so he knew this better than he probably would have otherwise. Whatever Lizzie did, Joseph was guilty as well. Nothing that he was unhappy of, or rather, nothing he wasn’t used to. Lizzie was his voice after all. For all that he was shy, she made up for with her boldness. He appreciated her for that and was willing to stand by her through the occasional lecture if that’s what he had to do. Although, he would have preferred it not be quite as often as it recently had been.23

Opal was not hard to find, she was standing next to the stables with a shovel in her hand. She was wearing a long, sand crafted dress, a rough yellow brown, made by her father, Flint, who was the only person anyone had met that could make a sand dress that fit comfortably. Joseph secretly admired his work, although Lizzie had always put it off with a shrug, saying it was no big feat due to the fact that he was a sand man. As they approached her, she was beginning to stick her head out the window to call for the two of them yet another time, long ebony hair, lying loosely upon her shoulders blowing in the cool breeze. 24

"Cool it." Lizzie grumbled as they walked in.25

Opal spun around and glared at the two of them, golden eyes flashing with fury. "I've been calling you for the last ten minutes."26

"We were out in the desert, How do you expect us to hear you there?"27

"I could see you; it couldn't have been that hard."28

"We were talking Opal," Lizzie smirked, "we were side tracked. Jeez, the world doesn't revolve around you, you know."29

Opal rolled her eyes, evidently giving up and gave Joseph and Lizzie each a shovel., “Clean out the unicorn stalls.” She said bluntly.30

“WHAT! Lizzie exclaimed. She quickly dropped her shovel to the ground, “No way! You can’t make us!”31

“Yes I can, and I will.” Opal said irritably, although she had dropped her anger, replacing it with tetchiness, “All you two ever do is play. It’s about time you-“32

“We do not play.” Lizzie interrupted.33

“Is that so?” Opal asked, “Then I suppose you’re patrolling our boarders when you run around in the sand.”34

“We’re training!” Lizzie exclaimed, “And that’s a lot more important than cleaning out the stalls of dumb unicorns!”35

“Do it, now.”36

“Make Jesse!” 37

“No he’s busy doing other things.”38

“Then give us his job and he can do this.”39

“You’d rather clean the pig sty over the unicorns?40

“B-but Joseph is afraid of unicorns.”41

“Am not…” Joseph quietly murmured, although he knew his statement was false.42

“Do as you’re told and stop arguing.” Opal growled, “Jeez, you two are the most spoiled children I’ve ever seen.” 43

“Then you must not be looking too hard.” Lizzie grumbled, but finally picked back up her shovel, “I’m tired of fighting. Arguing with a moron is just as pointless as it is tiring.”44

“Call me what you like.” Opal said, as she began towards the door, “As long as you do what you’re supposed to, I don’t care. I’ll be back to check your work in an hour.”45

As she left, Lizzie stuck out her tongue in her direction, making Joseph smile in spite of himself. “So, you didn’t do anything then, I guess.” He said.46

“I told you.” Lizzie said, remaining openly cross, “I hope she doesn’t think we’re actually going to do anything.”47

Joseph sighed, “She was right you know. We are the only people who never do anything to help.”48

“So what? It’s not my problem if everyone else wants to work their butts off.”49

Joseph looked at the ground, a familiar feeling creeping throughout his body. Lizzie did things that made him feel this way frequently, she wasn’t a lazy girl, just irresponsible. Like everyone, she had a desire to do as she pleased rather than what she was told. The difference was, she was also more willing to follow this impulse than her conscience. But Joseph’s must have been more consistent than hers, for while hers seemed to have died away, his became stronger. 50

“You too, huh?” Lizzie asked. Joseph jerked out of thoughts, realizing he had buried himself into his mind again.51

“What?” he asked.52

“You want to do this don’t you?”53

“Not really,” He said in his quiet voice, “but I think we probably should anyway.”54

“Why?” She asked, “We both hate unicorns. What have they ever done for us anyway? They’re stupid animals, and if they want their stalls clean they should learn how to do it themselves.”55

Joseph laughed, “They’ve given us medicine.” He said, “And what have they done to us either? Besides, they are stupid animals, right? So they couldn’t learn to clean their stalls, even if they did want to.”56

“Fine then, Grandpa. But I hope this doesn’t mean that she’ll expect me to do much else for her. Where are the dumb things anyway?” They walked around, and gazed into each of the stalls one by one. It took a while, but the two eventually came across a large room with twelve stalls, each containing one of the white horned horses. Joseph took in a gust of air and held it in his cheeks as he timidly approached the smallest one he could find.57

It was a lovely creature, he could admit that. It’s coat was silvery white, and nearly glowing with pure radiance. It stood with grace and elegance, holding itself up with a pride no other animal seemed to possess. Its eyes were a very soft blue, and looked at Joseph with a quiet longing. A sleek, glass-like horn protruded from the center of it’s head, slightly below the middle of it’s large ears, curving up almost a foot and ending with a razor sharp point. But despite the creature’s beauty, Joseph knew from experience they were ready to take offence to any wrong move one could make, and how quick they were to defend. 58

Nervously he patted it on the nose, “Hey,” He said nervously to it, “your looking nice today.”59

It took in a breath then released it in response, causing Joseph to jump back in fright. Lizzie laughed, “you don’t have to do this part if you don’t want.” She said with a smile, “I know they scare you.”60

“They do not.” Joseph replied boldly, but eyes the creature immediately afterwards to be sure he had said nothing to offend it, then nervously unhooked the lead rope that hung beside it and clipped it one the horse’s halter. The unicorn swayed its head indifferently, and when Joseph opened the gate it walked out beside him obediently. Joseph looked at it with gratitude, pleased this chore was turning out easier than he expected. Lizzie had already left with hers and Joseph was, surprisingly at ease leading the elegant animal out to where he knew the field was. 61

When outside, he saw Lizzie sitting with content on the gate looking down at something below her. Carefully, Joseph led his unicorn to the fence and secured it, so it would not fly away, then made haste to join his friend. “Lizzie,” He called, “What are you doing?”62

“Good news!” Lizzie exclaimed “we may not end up having to do anything after all!”63

“Why not?” He asked disappointment in her setting in.64

“Jeez Grandpa, don’t act so bummed! I asked Gabriel, and he said he would. Now I’m just waiting for Jesse to come by. He has to eventually because he’s going to have to empty the big crap.”65

“Why did you ask Gabriel?” Joseph asked, “I thought you didn’t like him.”66

“I don’t.” She said “but he’s so eager to please, it can be useful sometimes.”67

Joseph frowned, he liked Gabriel, he was a short boy with a mouse like face and tired, imploring eyes. Joseph sometimes sympathized with him because his height got him teased by both Lizzie and Gabriel’s older brother, Jonathon, which together made a terrifying pair. But even so Joseph had always noticed Gabriel smiled most genuinely when Lizzie looked his way and would agree to any plan she had without hesitation. Joseph always wondered why it was he did this and why it was Lizzie never noticed. 68

“Jesse!” Lizzie suddenly exclaimed. Joseph jumped, thoughts again getting interrupted. Quickly he climbed up to the top of the fence and sat beside Lizzie, who looked down at Jesse with a malicious smile spread across her face.69

Jesse was walking below them, pushing a wheel burrow filled to the top with bad smelling gunk. He did not look up when addressed, but merely stopped, eyes fixated on the contents before him.70

“Jesse! I want you to do something for me, alright? And it’s urgent so it can’t wait.”71

“What do you want me to do Miss Elizabeth?”72

Lizzie smiled grandly at the former title of which she had directed him to call her the moment he arrived. An order he had, like all others, so quickly submitted to. “I need you to clean out the unicorn stalls. And you have to do it within an hour so it can seem like me and Joseph did it.”73

“Yes Ma’am.” He said without hesitation, without any emotion at all to speak of. Joseph watched him go, wondering about him as he always had. Wondering what he thought about behind his emotionless expression. Joseph always though it must surely be resentment and yet, when he did see into his grey eyes, he could detect nothing of the sort. 74

“Huzzuh!” Lizzie exclaimed, “now we’ve nothing to do nor worry about! Lets go train. It’s still early, so we’ll have time before lunch.”75

Joseph smiled and looked at the sky, “I don’t feel like running today.” He said, “We talked just a few minutes ago, don’t you remember?”76

“I’ve changed my mind. I don’t think it’s worth it, besides, I hate unicorns, their too arrogant.”77

Joseph’s eyes widened, “Don’t say that so loudly!” He looked reproachfully down at the two unicorns below him, “They’ll hear you.”78

Lizzie laughed, “You’re a funny guy, you know?”79

He looked down below him where Jesse and Gabriel came into the sandy field each with a unicorn. Gabriel looking adoringly up at Lizzie on the fence, , “Yeah,” he sighed, and Jesse quietly doing work he had always done. He suddenly felt an extremely strong urge to be down there with them. Doing his part for the town, working hard for what he cared for. And yet at the same time another urge stopped him. He looked at Lizzie. He knew she wouldn’t get angry if he went with them, in fact, she would probably just laugh, call him gramps, and even declare that that’s why he was better than she was. But then if he were down there, would he be able to handle looking up and seeing Lizzie alone, all by herself. Wouldn’t he wonder what thoughts may be going through her head, and ask himself if the new choice turned out to be wrong? He tightened his grip on the fence and said nothing, just as he had always done. 80

Author notes

I'm not horribly certain about this? Did I rush into the character?what do you think of Jesse (seems small, but will be a big character. I want to see if I portrayed him correctly the two seconds he showed up.) This chapter is mainly for introduction so... baisacally, what do you think? I hope you liked it. oh! yeah, and it's not very edited yet, so if you yell at me for thatplease tell me about other things too. domoarigato!

lol, I wasn't going to post this story untill I got t page 50 so that I wouldn't feel rushed to post, but then I thought XP they can wait, right? So, if you plan to follow this story, please be patient, it could be tommorow I post again, it could be next month. Thanks!

I play the piano (for contest)

A contest entry

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    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
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Comments

1 - 19 of 19

  • Lost Soul 12 silver member
    October 9

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    To begin with, thanks for entering that great storty in my contest! I'm honored! Its a really good story! Great descriptions! Very, very good! Oooh! The descriptions just keep getting better and better, but I can't seem to find an actual point to the story... But I'm only at the part where she says he doesn't have to do the cleaning if he doesn't want to.

    Okay, a couple of errors:

    Last Sentence, Para. 1: is 'when all below it was being held in there own world' when it should be 'when all below it was being held in their own world'

    Sixth Sentence, Para. 5: is '“Besides,” he thought “what would you do with it once you had it?”' when it should be '“Besides,” he thought, “what would you do with it once you had it?”

    Second Sentence, Para. 23: is 'Opal could be nice, but when she got angry she was vicious.' when it should be 'Opal could be nice, but when she got angry, she was vicious.'

    First Sentence, Para. 27: is '"We were out in the desert, How do you expect us to hear you there?"' when it should be either '"We were out in the desert, how do you expect us to hear you there?"' or '"We were out in the desert. How do you expect us to hear you there?"'

    First Sentence, Para. 30: is 'Opal rolled her eyes, evidently giving up and gave Joseph and Lizzie each a shovel.,' when it should be 'Opal rolled her eyes, evidently giving up and gave Joseph and Lizzie each a shovel.'

    Para. 59: needs some major revision: this is how it is: 'Nervously he patted it on the nose, “Hey,” He said nervously to it, “your looking nice today.”' it should be 'Nervously, he patted it on the nose. "Hey," he said nervously to the beast. "You're looking nice today."'

    To me, Jesse seems to be a slave almost. I'm not sure if I like Lizzie yet, but... I still don't understand the point, but it sounds as if you have a master plan behind this! Good job!


  • Everpurple
    July 31

    Edit | Reply
    First of all, that was really good.

    The first part before the break was so discriptive and dream-like, it was beautiful. I loved the way you actually made a cool breeze drift over my arms, as if it was real. Good job on that.

    The characters were really developed, which is really hard. I"m sure you knew that, and I thought it was really gentle in pacing. That's good for a first chapter. Word from the wise; don't give every single spec of information you can in first chapters. It overwhelms readers and makes them feel strained while reading. You didn't do that in this, but just for future tense

    This was one of the most well-written pieces that i've read today. I've ready alot of pieces. Thanks for entering!


    • silent dances
      August 3
      Edit | Reply
      ^_^ I'm very very happy you liked it. most people seemed to have been saying that they are having a hard time empethizing (sp?) with the characters, but it seems you saw what I was trying to do, and infer rather than tell you about them? do you think I did that? Anyway, thatnk you very much for commenting, I'll read somthing of yours, I think, and I will soon post chapter 2 (I had writers block for a long time, took a break from, not my book, but from writing. not a great idea on my part, so I'm slowly getting back into it.) anyway, thank you very much.


  • silkenwolf
    July 12

    Edit | Reply
    I really like this first chapter, I loved the description at the beginning especially 'it would see a spark of life before it set and made way for its fiery brother'. I found the setting of stabled unicorns in/near a desert intriguing therefore effectively capturing my interest. I loved the description of the unicorn. I also like the contrast between Lizzie and Joseph and it is interesting to see that they are firm friends despite their evident differences.

    However, this chapter seemed to have little direction (it does not seem to lead to another chapter) except for the mystery surrounding Jesse and his behaviour. Is Jesse the main subject of the storyline? Then I guess I can't criticise the lack of direction if he is the only direction of the story! I know you said it is the first chapter and I agree that you can't fully develop a character in one chapter but I think some of the characters you introduce need a little more background because I got confused (but that could just be me )

    It is a really good story and I look forward to more chapters!

    • silent dances
      July 12
      Edit | Reply
      ^_^ you are, like, the fifth person who has told me this, which was probably what I needed. People have also said they have trouble empathizing with my protagonist. *sighI'm really not sure what to do about it, although I know there has to be somthing. Do you think you could give me a bit of advice? I really really want to fix it, I'm just not sure how. Thank you very very much for the comment, I'll post another chapter soon, probably at one point this week. ^_^

      • silkenwolf
        July 13
        Edit | Reply
        Hmm, I'll happily try to give you advice (I don't know how useful I can be though!) but on which part because I did mention a couple of things? Don't worry too much, you are still a really good writer. I think, perhaps, it is difficult to empathise with your protagonist (thats Joseph right? Sorry, if I'm being dim) because Lizzie walks all over him and he doesn't stand up to her but I personally don't think he should stand up to her until later in the story which I'm guessing he will do. Maybe people just prefer Lizzie as she is a more interesting, if obnoxious, character. Yeah, maybe the contrast I mentioned is too much making Joseph seem insignificant compared to Lizzie. But I don't know, as I like both of them.

        P.S. I have posted the third chapter of 'Wolf Cry' in case you're interested. I like your helpful comments


  • Asfand
    July 8

    Edit | Reply
    Nicely done! I really liked the descriptive narrative! Nice eye for detail.

    Characterization needs work. I felt no empathy or connection to the protagonist.

    Otherwise, nice job! Goood luck!

    • silent dances
      July 12
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you for the comment, I understand what you're saying, although I seem to be having trouble figuring out how to change it for the better, could you, perhapes, give me a little advice as to making the reader empethize with my character. I would appreciate it very much. ^_^

      • Asfand
        July 12
        Edit | Reply
        Well, I would suggest:

        - Adding some background story. Make your characters appear human. Give them likes and disliked and memories that they go through. This will allow them to relate to your characters and empathize with them.

        - Give them a specific personality. Your character can be a million things: maybe they have no sense of humor, or are very shy or simply very boisterous and daring.

        - Give them quirks! We have all quirks and habits! Some people bite their nail, some chew their locks! You know.

        - Explore your character's opinions and thoughts. Remember, your movie should go forward due to your characters' personality. The ACTIONS should move the story forward. Not vice versa.

        I guess, that's my opinion in any case. Hope it helps!


  • colinlinder
    June 29

    Edit | Reply
    So my overall imression here is that the descriptive narrative in the beginning is good but the character development and plot needs alot of work. Tell us more about joseph and lizzie, give us some back story. Introduce some sort of plot line more so than just cleaning unicorn stalls. Where is this going?

    Hope this helps and thanks for entering my contest.
    Here are some issues I found:

    P1 held in there own world, (their)

    P2 And, from one of these dwellings, it would see a spark of life before it set and made way for its fiery brother (I liked this line alot)

    P5 “It’s extra bright today.” He thought as he winced at the growing light, (period here, not comma)

    P5 He wondered if one ran for it, if he could catch up to it just before it went rose into the sky (? lose the went maybe?)

    Joseph opened his eyes, only to find that they had been met by two others, light blue. (choppy, try "Joseph opened his eyes aonly to be met by light blue ones staring back at him.")

    She smiled her characteristically wide smile, red hair blowing wildly in the wind, “Did not.” She replied, still chuckling lightly, “I came out here and you had fallen asleep.” (Re-write for punctuation: She smiled her characteristically wide smile, red hair blowing wildly in the wind. “Did not.” she replied, still chuckling lightly. “I came out here and you had fallen asleep.”

    Joseph smiled at his friend, but no sooner than he did a harsh cry rang out over the dunes. (choppy, re-write needed)

    Lizzie flinched lightly at the sound, then, peevishly scowled in the direction of the noise. (lose the second comma)

    I'm going to stop with the comma comments “They do not.” Joseph replied boldly, but eyes the creature immediately afterwards to be sure he had said nothing to offend ithere because it just goes on and on this way. Try reading your work aloud and you'll hear where comma's are needed and where they are not.

    “They do not.” Joseph replied boldly, but eyes the creature immediately afterwards to be sure he had said nothing to offend it (slipped into present tense here)

    he saw Lizzie sitting with content on the gate looking down at something below her (contentedly?)

    • silent dances
      June 29
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you very much for the comment, and I will be sure to go back and edit it. I've always been bad with commas. ^_^

      There is one thing, you said to put more back story behind Joseph and Lizzie and that my plot is week. This is chapter 1. My characters will develope with time and my plot has yet to unfold. ^_^ I'm not trying to be mean, I know I entered this contest for a brutal critique, and you did wonderfully, I just thought maybe you overlooked the fact that it is chapter 1 rather than a short story. Like I said, thanks for the comment.


  • Shadow Pixie
    June 25

    Edit | Reply
    A very good beginning, I'm interested to see where it goes. I love the character of Lizzie, she's everything a heroine should be
    Thanks for your entry and good luck!


  • vamplover22907
    June 25

    Edit | Reply
    I loved your description. It made things follow smoothly. Lizzie sounds obnoxious but that's just me. I like Joseph he seems a more quieter and peaceful type of person.

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.


  • the class
    June 19

    Edit | Reply
    Really good.
    I think I've read it before, but I really like the beginning, and all the characters and dialogue is really good


    • silent dances
      June 19
      Edit | Reply
      I'm sorry, you have. I guess I didn't check this time, I usually do. I apologise.

  • the class
    June 6
    Edit | Reply

    :)

    The dialogue in this was really realistic, and you really created mystique over Jesse. I like this, the description was really good, and you did a great job. Well done


  • comicgirl93
    May 29

    Edit | Reply

    brilliant!

    i lykd it but didnt neccessarily luv it. there were sum spelling errors but u'll get better. it isnt sumthin tht i wud usually read but i will follow it 2 c where it goes from here.


  • Dead Beauty
    May 25

    Edit | Reply
    That's a very different but unique story, what with the unicorns and all. You are probably one of the only ones whose actually put in enough description, and that is why I've decided that your writing is good enough to enter the finalists' list! Well done, and good luck for the rest of the contest!


  • Dr. Psycho silver member
    May 18

    Edit | Reply

    Great!!!

    Wow, this was a great write! The character dialogue was perfect, and the descriptions were great also. But you made Jesse seem as a 'small recurring' character. But, other than that its perfect.
    I look forward for more!

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