St. Mercy Mental Hospital

A shiver ran up my spine, letting me feel the real temperature of air. I was ready to go into the abandoned St. Mercy Mental Hospital with my best friend. We walked in, and I immediately felt a cold chill of the hospital's ghosts climb up my legs. I motioned for her to come fallow me into the waiting room. I walked behind the front desk.1

"Hello, how may I help you?" I asked her.2

"Ella, cut it out," she said as she pulled me from behind the desk.3

"Lucy, you're a chicken!" I taunted her. 4

We began to quietly walk into the hospital rooms. The first one we came upon was one with a chair, just a metal chair. I looked at it, the iron bolts looking like small grey turtle shells. I walked in further, Lucy trailing behind. I pushed her in front of me. She fell into the chair. Then, a glowing red light came on, and we heard a child's scream. 5

"What did you do!" I yelled at her.6

"Nothing!" She yelled back.7

She jumped up from the chair and the screaming stopped. We ran out of the room like mad people. I looked to see if any police had came, but no one was there in the lobby. I continued into the dark hallway.8

"Ella, are you crazy?" Lucy asked, rabbing my hand.9

"Maybe," I said, shaking her loose.10

"I should've locked you up here..." She muttered to herself, just loud enough for me to hear.11

The second room was larger. There were ten cages, five in font, five in back. They all were lined with a cushiony looking surface. I poked my head in each one. In the first one, there was a small shoe that looked like it belonged to a girl about my age. I looked in the next. Nothing. The rest were empty. I dragged the astonished Lucy out of the room and we walked on. 12

The third room was dark. The walls were lined with cement and there were bones. There was at least three skeletons sitting up against the wall. Three pale white, skeletons. I looked at Lucy.13

"What do you think happened here?" I asked her, shivering. 14

"I don't know," she said.15

I looked around at the things the people wrote on the wall with chalk. There was a picture that amazed me. It looked like there was a hole and a heart bleeding into it. I called over Lucy.16

"Look at this," I whispered.17

She looked at it. First, she took off her ruby glasses. Next, she put them back on and squinted through the lenses. She seemed more amazed then me.18

"Wow," she quietly said.19

We walked out of the room quickly. We saw a door that was shut. There was a blueish glow that shook from he cracks. I tried to open it, but I couldn't. Lucy looked at me. Whatever was in there, we didn't want to see. Or at least she didn't want to see. I was amazed. Lucy had to drag me from the door to get me out of the trance that the glow had put me in.20

"What do you think's in there?" I asked as she looked at my eyes.21

"I don't know and I don't want to find out," she was now headed back to the lobby.22

I shook my head in disbelief. 23

"Lu, wait! Come back!" I shouted after her.24

"Ella, I am WAY too scared to stay in this hospital!" She shouted back.25

Then, I was alone. I looked at the lobby to see if she was just joking, but she was out and walking back to her house. I decided to continue, for this pace didn't scare me. It facinated me. 26

I walked to the fourth room. It was the last. I entered it, a nauseous feeling roaring in me. I ignored it and looked around. There were notebooks lining the bookshelves. There were flashlights, a table and chair, a desk light, and a pencil. I took one book off of the shelf and opened it. The page I opened to was covered in a tight, thin scrawl. I squinted. I had forgotten my reading glasses. There was a record of a person on the page I had opened to. But, from the sign on the door, I was well aware that this was NOT a jail. I read on and on.27

September 13, 193228

Name: Shannon Freda29

Birthdate: April fifth, 191230

Condition: "Sees the future"31

The rest was much too small to read. I turned to the next page. It was bigger, but sloppier. I looked at the chair. Feeling the suspense, I picked it up and moved it. There was a trap door lying beneath. I bet over and with all of my strength, lifter the trap door.32

I headed down the ladder, ready for zombies to case me back up to the office. I had the notebook under my arm. This was something to show Lucy! When I reached the bottem, my heart laped from my chest. There was a celler full of dozens of cages. They all were empty, but they all had a story to be told. Each one had a name on them. I looked up all of the people in one book. Then what were the other books for?33

I found that there were fifty cages in that one room. Then I saw yet another door and opened it. 34

That room was completely empty. I walked around it, taking in the musty smell. I stumbled upon something. It made a noise like money hitting the floor. I bent down and picked up a key. I was getting really freaked out now. There was another scream, the same one that I had heard earlier in the night. I ran from out of the basement and up the ladder. I put the notebook back in the shelf and ran down the hallway. 35

I peered into the first room. What I saw was the most scary thing I have ever seen. There was a girl in a coral pink dress sitting in the chair. She as smiling, her matted black hair all over her face. I noticed she was missing a shoe. She then opened her mouth and spoke to me.36

"Why are you here?" She saked me.37

I gaped, my mouth open, at the sight of the beautiful girl. 38

"I-I wanted to see the h-hospital," I wispered to myself.39

"You WHAT?" She yelled at me.40

She stood up from the chair and chased me out of the room. She grabbed the key from my hand.41

"Do you know what lies in your hands?" She saked me.42

"No, no I don't," I said, still shaking my head in frustration.43

She spat on the floor, creating an echo.44

"Just leave," she said, looking at me in disgust.45

"Why!" I yelled at her the same way I yelled at Lucy.46

"You'll find out if you don't leave!" She yelled at me.47

I looked at her anger red face. Her eyes were a pale green, like they belonged to the skeletons. I shook my head at her.48

"What will I find out?" I asked quietly as she began to push me to the lobby.49

Her black hair looked angrier then her red face. I watched with open yes as she darted for the doorway, me still being pushed to it. Then, there wrere footsteps. She opened the door and pushed me out. I went tumbling down the stairs. 50

I looked in the window. The girl with the lost shoe was talking to a grown man, then she was taken into the second room. I just stood there until someone tapped me on the shoulder.51

"Ella? Ella. Ella!" they said.52

"Lu-Lucy?" I asked, shivering.53

"Ella, what did you see?" She asked me.
"Lucy, there was a girl. She was insane! I couldn't help but-" I was cut off.
"Ella, let me have a peek." She walked to the front door.
"LUCY, NO!" I ran after her, but I was too late.
She opened the door and saw the little girl for a meer second. Then, she plunged a knife into Lucy's heart.
"Anyone else?" She said.
I ran off into the moonlight, screaming. She was laughing miniacly and looking at me, run like a chicken. Never, EVER will I go back to Saint Mercy Mental Hospital.54

A contest entry

Was it spooky?

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    : Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have 0. (?) (Line numbers)
    Ratings:

Comments

1 - 30 of 32     1 2  next >  (show all)

  • Unice the geek
    September 27

    Edit | Reply
    it was good. the base line of the story was amazing. there were some flate parts that you could liven up and there were some spelling errors, other than that bravo!


  • MusicOfTheNight9
    August 9
    Edit | Reply
    okay wayyyy to freaky before bed.... woah... thanks for entering and good luck in my contest!

    Kudos,
    CreaterSk8er


  • yin20yang
    July 18

    Edit | Reply
    I hate the sound of cages, but it is brilliantly incorporated here. I want so badly to feel sad for these...poor people. The detail is extraordinary through this piece, I can almost imagine myself in this place..The end needs a bit of work tho good job.


  • codename
    July 4

    Edit | Reply
    personally all i have to say for the killing part of the story is why? You should improve your friends story it's a bit flat. The story it self though has a lot of potencial.


    ps. i'm not the best speller neither so i recomend using spellcheck on word.

    beginning: 1, language: 2, plot: 1, ending: 2, dialog: 1, characters: 3.

    • Dual.Of.Fireflies
      July 4
      Edit | Reply
      I should improve my friend's story? Dunno...

      I know why! Lucy didn't listen to Ella! I am not the best speller either... So we can relate.

  • Liefofdel
    June 20
    Edit | Reply
    I'm afraid that it was a bit cliche. "Two girls walk into insane asylum and see creepy things." For horror to work, you must be able to surprise people and bring out the unexpected. The ending, alas, was also dissapointing. The narrator just forgot about it? Really. But still, the writing itself does show budding talent. Continue to write and try working on creative, different ideas.


    • Dual.Of.Fireflies
      June 20
      Edit | Reply
      I will be changing the ending, for it is not making viewes happy. Thank you for the comment.


  • Caradoc
    June 12

    Edit | Reply
    It was ok. I really expected a lot more from this story. It didn't really spooky me or anything. You have several spelling errors and your sentence flow needs some work. It all seemed a little broken to me. As others have said, the ending could have been a lot better. It was way too anticlimactic for me.

    One final note. I am sorry to say but I have to disqualify your entry for failure to abide by contest rule number 8. This story has already won a gold trophy. If you wish, you may enter another suitable story.

    Thank you for entering my contest.

    • Dual.Of.Fireflies
      June 19
      Edit | Reply
      ha- were you laughing at me? I just get angry when people rant me about my spelling- I'm 11- and spell things wrong in the comment!

      • Caradoc
        June 20
        Edit | Reply
        I was not laughing at you. We all make spelling errors. Learning to spot and fix them is how we become better writers. So is being able to take someone's critique and not be personally hurt by it. If you want to be a good writer listen to what other people say about your writing and then go over what you wrote. If you find what they point out is wrong, fix it and move on.

        Also, your age has nothing to do with how I judged your writing. The contest you entered your story in is anonymous, meaning, judges don't get to see whose stories they're judging. My comment still stands, so you can take it and try and do something about the things that I and others have pointed out, and in so doing, better your writing.

        Or...you can just point to the fact that another person spelled something wrong in a comment. Your story is being reviewed, not the comments made on it.

        Lastly I mentioned that your sentence flow needed work as well. Spelling isn't the only problem this story has.

        So. Thank you for entering my contest. I hope you have a very nice time being a writer.

        P.S. All does is give you a concussion.

        • Dual.Of.Fireflies
          June 20
          Edit | Reply
          I am well aware of all of the things that you said. And yes, know that this story needs some work. It is my next project.
          I was a little surprised that you said, and I quote, Spelling isn't the only problem this story has." This was not the nicest thing to ever say. I really wish that I had better spelling, and I really wish people would not bug me about it. I also am sorry that I used my age. It is not really kind of me to use my age to get symphony. When I get the chance, I will make the ending better.

          • Caradoc
            June 20
            Edit | Reply
            I apologize for being harsh earlier. Unfortunately everyone gets bugged about spelling at one point or another. It comes with the territory. However, you will get better with time, so don't worry so much about people gettin on you about spelling. Just make a mental note and move forward with purpose.

            Besides, think about it. Even the writers of books that we buy from stores have spelling issues. That's why they have editors who go through and spell and grammar check for them.

            So good luck with all your future writing.

            On one final note. The ability to put what you see in your head and feel in your heart into words on a page is a blessing and gift. You're one of the few who possesses it.

            So tu hel wit speling! Lol!

            • Dual.Of.Fireflies
              June 20
              Edit | Reply
              Did u read the fixed ending? It's better now. Thanks! The He!! with spelling. Who cares! (Emile does...) But i don't care. Spelling errors bug me too...

  • SilentMoonDance
    June 8

    Edit | Reply

    Nice...

    I was spooked...a little. The little girl part was unoriginal, but the cage part with their own stories was pretty creepy.
    Great job and good luck!


  • Melissa Loves Jeffy
    June 1
    Edit | Reply
    This was a really good story. I enjoyed it greatly. thanks for entering my contest!


  • Dr. Psycho silver member
    May 31

    Edit | Reply
    Good story, but to be honest, it was not what I was expecting. The ending could have been better, but you did have good descriptions. Good luck in my contest!


  • Violette silver member
    May 30

    Edit | Reply
    Not bad, could do with a little construction here and there but yes not bad at all. Great use of description, very chilling.


  • live laugh love
    May 17

    Edit | Reply
    okay so i was confused and i read it twice and im still a lil confused but i got it a lil more....but i liked the actual makeup about it


    • Dual.Of.Fireflies
      May 25
      Edit | Reply

      < Thanks!

      That was a really nice comment. Thank you so much for even bothering to read it!


  • ley527
    May 23

    Edit | Reply
    There are a lot of spelling mistakes, and the ending could have been way better. Other then that, it's not bad.


  • vamplover22907
    May 18
    Edit | Reply
    It is ok. But which topic is it?

    beginning: 2, language: 2, plot: 2, ending: 2, dialog: 2, characters: 2.


  • andhearts. ox
    May 18

    Edit | Reply

    Good

    Good story. Some parts count do with a bit of expanding, however, great plot. The words are in there, as are the rules.
    'Twas a little confusing at times still.

1 - 30 of 32     1 2  next >  (show all)