Artemis Fowl Parody!

ACT ONE:
(In some random city in India)
Artemis: I wonder when the dude with the info on you know what *cough* fairies *cough* is gonna get here?
Butler: I dunno. I'm all brains and no smarts except in fighting. Why ask me?
Artemis: Good point.
(The dude who has info walks in)
Dude: How may I help you? I'm a freaking waiter.
Artemis: What, do you think I'm stupid? I've seen your myspace photo and know you are Dude, the guy with information on fairies.
Dude: Dang it!
(The author skips ahead to the part where they go to the drunk fairy thing)
Drunk Fairy: How may I help you, child?
Artemis: I'm 12, creepo, and I have no problems besides my daddy is missing and presumed dead, but I really don't want to talk about it. Want some wine?
(Arty hands Drunk Fairy a bottle with "Wine" taped over the word"Exploding Poisonous Beer! Do not drink!" and a picture of a skull with crossbones)
Drunk Fairy: Ah, sure.
Arty: So, can I see your Book?
Drunk Fairy: *Hiccup* Why not?!
Artemis: This is so going on Facebook.
(He pulls out camera and takes pictures with the Drunk Fairy and the Book)
Butler: Artemis ! Focus! We have thirty minutes before the fairy explodes! Just take some pictures and go!
Arty: Fine! You don't have to be so rude!
(Takes pictures and runs outside)1


ACT TWO:
(At the Fowl Manor)
(Artemis is googling "Gnommish" on the computer)
Artemis: Yay! I found the language "Gnommish"!!! And, coincidentally, that seems to be the language this book is in!!!
Butler: What is that book, exactly?
Artemis I told you! It's a magical fairy's book!
Butler: Artemis, are you drunk?
Artemis: Maybe, but that's not the point! We have to capture one and hold it hostage for Lucky Charms!!
Butler: We got some last night. They're in the pantry. Why do we need more?
Artemis: Their Lucky Charms are special!
Butler: Whatever. *mutters* He's gone nuts.
Artemis: Huh?
Butler: Nothing, Artemis!
Artemis: okay, then let's capture a fairy!2

ACT THREE:
(hiding in that place where they capture Holly)
Artemis: OMG so excited.
Butler: Shut up.
Artemis: *yells* BE QUIET, BUTLER!!! YOU'LL SCARE THE FAIRY AWAY!!!
Butler: Why didn't I study ballet instead of bodyguarding?!
Artemis: ...
(Holly enters)
Holly: Lalala...I hope no one tries to trap me since I'm totally defenseless until I do the Ritual!
(Artemis runs up to her)
Artemis: GIVE ME YOUR LUCKY CHARMS OR I WILL CAPTURE YOU!!!
Holly: Never, human! I must protect me Lucky Charms! I must never give it to a human blah blah blah
(Butler handcuffs her while she's ranting at Artemis)
Holly: I will kill you!
Artemis: Nu Uh! You're totally defenseless until you do the Ritual!
Holly: OMG HOW DID YA KNOW?!
Artemis: WITH MY SUPER SMARTNESS!
Butler: *sighs*
Artemis: To the Artemis Mobile!!!3

ACT FOUR:
(At LEP place, Commander Root and Foaly are talking about stuff)
Foaly: OMG! Holly sent me a text message!
Commander Root: What's it say?
Foaly: She sent me a picture a picture of Disney World and she got kidnapped by a really hot teenager!
Commander Root: OMG!!!
Foaly: I know what to do!
Commander Root: What?
Foaly: We send Trouble kelp!!
Commander Root: ...
Foaly: What?
Commander Root: Why?
Foaly: i dunno...
Commander Root: *sighs* FINE..I'll text him...
(Commander Root pulls out a pretty pink phone with My Little Pony stickers on it)
Foaly: ...
Commander Root: I got it at a garage sale.
(A few minutes after he texts Trouble)
Trouble: So, why did you text me to come here?
Foaly: We need your help!
(Trouble's phone starts ringing)
Trouble: one second.
(opens cell phone)
Trouble: hello?
Grub: Mom needs to talk to you!
Trouble: But I'm on a mission! Can't she wait?
Grub: Too bad!
Trouble: Fine.
Trouble's Mom: You need to babysit your brother.
Trouble: NOW???
Trouble's Mom: Yes. Or you're grounded.
Trouble: Mom, I'm the equivalent of twenty in human years. You can not ground me.
Trouble's Mom: Oh, yeah? Watch me.
Trouble: Maybe he could come on the mission with me?
Trouble's Mom: Okay!
Trouble: fine. Send him over.
(closes phone)
Commander Root and Foaly: ...
Trouble: eh, can Grub com, too?
Foaly: okay...but, if he does, well have to change the whole ending of the book and delete important characters.
Ayame Sohma: Who freaking cares?
Writer: Ah, Aaya, hate to break it to you, but you're in the wrong parody. Fruits Basket is later.
Ayame: Darn it.4

ACT FIVE:
(At Fowl Manor)
Artemis: GIVE ME YOUR LUCKY CHARMS!!!
Holly: NEVER!!!
(Suddenly, Trouble and Grub appear)
Artemis: OMG!!!
Trouble: Just give him the Lucky Charms.
(Suddnely, Grub gets a papercut)
Grub: Ouch!
(Grub is killed off by a thirsty Jasper Hale)5

6

Writer; JASPER!! GET OUT OF THIS PARODY!!7

8

Jasper: Sorry.9

10

Artemis: That was weird.11

Holly: For finally making sense, you can have my Lucky Charms.
(Holly hands Artemis a box of Lucky Charms)
Artemis: yay! You can go now.
(Trouble and Holly leave)
Artemis: Wait. this is empty
TO BE CONTINUED!!!12