When it rains

He wrapped his arms around me and pulled me into him, leaving a soft, wet kiss on my cheek. I wanted to tell him everything. Everything that had been going on for the past few years, but I didn’t want to ruin the moment. He wouldn’t be able to hear me now anyways, guys tuned out reality when they were holding one of the girl species so close to them. My voice would ricochet off the plaster walls, and bounce right back into my head, where the thoughts would stay. 1

“Kara? What’s wrong?” He had noticed. Shocker. 2

I shot him my best girlfriend-happy-in-the-moment look, and leaned in to give him a kiss of my own. But I couldn’t fool him. 3

“Something’s wrong, I know it. You can tell me you know.” 4

The way his liquid blue eyes outlined in bright green, stared into me, I began to melt. And with that, came everything. Everything I had been holding inside me for the past half hour. Words could be faulty, twisting to mean anything the mind wants it to. I knew what I wanted to say, but my mind was a void, blacking out all the constant temptations and angst I feel when he's not around. The words I needed to say would mean so much once I just let myself speak them. But I couldn't. 5

I couldn’t speak. My voice was gone all of a sudden. He watched me with concern, as my tears enveloped us both in an uncomfortable silence. 6


“I’m sorry. I couldn’t help it. I really tried to stop, but I just couldn’t.” Words trailed off my tongue, and suddenly, I couldn’t stop. 7

“What do you mean? Stop what?…No. Kara. You didn’t. Did you?”8

I buried my face in his chest, still sniffling. “I had to. They were hurting me, and I needed to forget. I needed to feel something, I…”9

“It’s okay. You’re here with me now. You’re safe.”10

My body began to shiver, so he pulled me even closer and kissed my ear.
"Are they really bad?" 11

I held out my left arm to him and rolled up my blue sleeves. The dark crimson cuts stood out against my porcelain skin. It was almost impossible to miss them. 12

"Oh Kara." He sighed. I didn't know what else to do. I felt so bad for breaking yet another promise. I promise I should'nt have made in the first place because I had no control. No control whatsoever.13

"It's worse on my thighs, but they'll go away eventually."14

"Can you at least agree to call me when you feel like that next time?"15

"I'll try."16

The world breaks us all. Some deeper than others, but everyone cracks underneath something. Some are stronger afterwards, sealing the broken places, but I am not one of them. Everytime I break apart, I break more, and then I struggle to get back up. I hated myself. Zack didn't deserve the my suffering. I should've just kept my mouth shut. 17

He scooped me up in his arms and carried me into his bedroom, where he laid me down. I already knew what to expect, we did the same thing everytime we hung out together. He always said he would never hurt me, and that all we were doing was expressing love. I didn't mind so much, because I had been on the pill for at least 6 months now, and as long as it took the pain away, things were fine. 18

But I still didn't see how we could, after the conversation we just had. 19

"Right now?" I wanted him to say, no we aren't going to. I wanted him to just sit beside me and let me lay my head on his chest again, while we discussed the future together and all things perfect. 20

"Yeah why not? Do you want to?" He waited for my answer, as my indecisive conscience mind kicked in. 21

I wasn't strong enough to handle the consequences if I said yes. And at the same time, I didn't wanna give him yet another reason to leave. I had already leaked out my depression onto him, and I had seen how crestfallen he had been. Our relationship was already feeling a little strained, and I knew I had to agree in order to save it. I needed him right now, and he did have only my best interests in mind. 22

"Yes of course." I said, without feeling anything real at all. In that second, I watched him undress, and all I could think was; I really need to feel. 23

I wanted something sharp that could prick me. I wanted to feel something other than numb, while I watched my dirty blood run down my skin. I craved any feeling at all, and as we prepared for the next few minutes, I let him take all of me once again. 24

For a moment, I did feel something. At least I thought I did, whether it was real or artifical was another idea entirely. But that idea got pushed out of my mind, when I realized as he opened me up and pulled me as close as we could go, that I had forgotten today's pill on the corner of my bed. It had never touched my insides. 25