The Deadly Sheep

The first golden rays of sun dripped down above the peaked, jagged mountains of Vermont, exposing the wide expanse of farmland incident upon this valley. A sullen disquiet, only equatable to the calm of the cosmos before an explosion of supernova potency forced itself upon this farm establishment as a boulder presses-down upon sand and soil below. However unperterbed by this gravity, a tall, scruffy man wandered down the gravel road which divided this land with a certain bit of swagger in his footsteps. He had walked this rod before a countless number of times and this day was no different that the previous and so on and so forth. He called himself John Ridley and he was the owner of the farm establishment. 1

He stood before his dynasty as a king misers-over his pelf in gold: greedy, wicked, arrogant. This is the reason the agency had sent their top hitman to dispose of him. Ridley was not alone in the wilderness as he had thought...2

THe snap of a twig, a bush's rustle, and he was upon Ridley. A massive, muscular man of no less that 300 pounds. He had the disposition of a bear and sharp features. He rose to his full height and Ridley saw that this man was no less than 7 feet in height.3

"He...hello..." Ridley choked-out, "nice day, hm?"4

The man paused before replying, "Um...yeah...gorgeous, actually. I like how you have the sun first climbing over the mountains here. The house is positioned just right such that it catches the first rays of the su-- er...Actually, I was sent here to kill you."5

All John could manage to mutter was a desparate, "Why?"6

"Because your monopoly on milk and cheese products is running the agency bankrupt. It is not right for one man to rule over the dairy world with an iron fist..."7

"...er..."8

"And we just don't like you as a person."9

Ridley stopped and immediately began formulating a plan of escape.10

"hm...well, this is a story...and the good guys always win in theese things because this author is a real softy...but how to escape? How do I get away from someone bigger than I am? Why am I asking the audience rhetorical questions when I should be figuring out how to get away? I have got it! I will simply------"11

Come on! Did you honestly think that I as the Author of this story would give-away the ending?12

Ridley bolted. He ran faster than he had ever ran before, his chest started burning from the stress of this maneuver. He turned to see that the man was gaining ground on him quickly. Ridley paid this no mind, his plan was already in action. Ridley entered the clearing to see a group of fluffy, funguos creatures he immediately identified as his sheep. He halted next to one particularly average-sized one. The man, unfatigued from the run continued sprinting toward Ridley. 13

Ridley, as planned, grabbed the sheep, cocked-back his arm, and sent the sheep flying towards the man. It hit his chest with a  and the man stopped.14

"Yeah...take that...guy...Eat sheep!" Ridley stood proudly before the man.15

"Wow, " the man brushed his chest, seemingly unaffected, "that was mildly inconvenient...Whoa...that was...something...I'll admit it slowed me down...Why did you just hit me with a sheep?"16

"Um..." Ridley's plan had failed, "...it seemed like a good idea at the time..."17

"Well, all ideas seem like they're good at the time, no one comes-up with something and goes, 'Wow, that is a really bad idea, I have to try that.'"18

"He's playing into my plan, only a few more seconds..." Ridley thought quietly.19

"It seems that it was a better idea than you thought!" Ridley said.20

"What?"21

"I only feed my sheep one thing here, GUNPOWDER!"22

The man looked-down at the sheep just in time to see the last bit of sparking, live fuse disappear into it.23

"...you're gonna kill me with an exploding sheep? That's the stupidest thing I've ever--" 24

Before he could finish his sentance, the man was engulfed in a ball of fire as the exploding sheep's fuse hit its gunpowder core. Orange tongues of flame rose to the heavens as the assasination was finished.25

John Ridley chuckled and phoned the agency, "Mission accomplished, he never even knew you sent him here to be killed."26

With that, John Ridley returned to his farm, slightly taller, slightly happier, slightly prouder.27

HAPPY END28

...You're asking me why I wrote Happy End? Shut up, I'm the author, I can do what I want! I could have written "Blorgen Kabloofing" if I wanted. Its my story, not yours! Nah, nah!29

BLORGEN KABLOOFING30