"SNOGGO in Transylvania" (SNOGGO's Fourth Adventure)1
by2
Edna Sweetlove3
on behalf4
of5
SNOGGO6
The noise of the coach wheels changed as the cobblestones began. I looked out of the window: we seemed to be entering a small country village. The map hadn't shown any settlements before we reached Karstadt so I was somewhat surprised. The village appeared a poor one, dilapidated cottages mostly with their windows shuttered against the coming cold winter's night. Occasionally, a broken shutter allowed a dim gleam from an oil lamp to show. I saw no one in the streets, although it was still no more than five o'clock.7
The coach drew up in front of the door of an inn just as the sun dipped below the roofs of the village houses in the square. I leaned out of the window to ask the coachman why we had stopped. 'Most esteemed Sir, we cannot go any further tonight,' answered the coachman, 'It is too dark. It will not be safe. The horses may stumble.' I remonstrated and explained I must be in Karstadt for the morning: I had an important appointment. It was useless; the stupid peasant pig was adamant. Even a generous bribe would not move him. The horses neighed, the stupid bloody brutes; they seemed nervous. It was not a good omen.8
The coachman descended from his pillion, opened the door for me and motioned for me to get out. I looked at the inn in resignation; it seemed respectable enough and, to tell the truth, I was tired and hungry. Dr Krappenschwanzchen in Karstadt would have to forgive me for my lateness in the morning. I indicated to the driver which cases I required and he preceded me into the inn, whose name I could just make out on the creaking sign: "Am Hof der Fledermaus".9
As I entered the inn my nostrils were immediately assailed by an overpowering stench of stale bodies, stale beer, stale food and, above all, stale garlic. What a fucking pong! The parlour was empty apart from two hideous old peasants who looked up from their steins of beer to nod in greeting. Severely downmarket, but beggars couldn't be choosers. Christ alone knew what the latrines would be like.10
The landlord showed us up to our rooms, mine the best he could offer, a large and clean chamber facing the village square, the coachman's fuck knows where, I did not care a twopenny toss. He could sleep in the pigsty for all I cared.11
After a truly disgusting supper of what the landlord claimed was roast deer, but which tasted more like overcooked doormat smothered in some vile stomach-churning shitty sauce, accompanied by several buckets of what he laughingly thought was wine, I retired, belching repellently and farting like a constipated negro slave. I fully expected a night broken by retching and diarrhoea thanks to the efforts of the worst cook in Transylvania, damn his eternal soul.12
Once in my chamber, I glanced out of the window; a full moon was casting its baleful light over the empty square and a dog howled plaintively. Or was it a wolf in the mountains? Or even a werewolf, after all this was fucking Transylvania. I burped loudly and the noise echoed round the village square. Bugger me, that felt better.13
I drew the heavy curtains but they did not meet fully (probably bought mail order) and the moon shone into my room. I prepared myself for bed in my normal fastidious way: my bladder was full from dinner and I evacuated it noisily but pleasurably into a cracked chamber pot. I have often noted that a good piss is one of life's simplest but most sublime joys. I decided against a dump, preferring to kip on a full colon. I climbed into the old damp bed, anticipating a long wait before sleep came but, exhausted, I soon dozed off, farting stentoriously and biliously.14
I know not for how long I slept, nor what wakened me. But I do know that when I woke from my boozy slumbers, I immediately realised I was not alone. Someone else was in the chamber. I opened my eyes cautiously and beheld a wondrous sight: standing by the doorway was the landlord's daughter, the lovely Magda, a sweet and docile buxom beauty, whose cute plump arse I had fondled absentmindedly during supper. She was stark bollock naked and my eyes took in her pendulous breasts and her voluptuously plump thighs with a combination of surprise, relish and unbridled lust.15
'Would the master care to fuck me?' she enquired demurely, to which I could only reply, 'Do bears shit in the woods, baby?'. And so she closed the door and climbed into the bed with me. But I felt something was amiss and, as I leaned to kiss her parted ruby lips, the moonlight glinted on her burning red eyes and elongated canines. Fuck me, Magda was only a vampire, come to drain my life's blood!16
Quick as a flash I challenged her: 'You dirty bat! The garlic! How could a creature such as you survive the garlic? The whole inn reeks of garlic and, after your father's obscene meal, my breath is putrid with it!'17
'Fairy tales,' Magda laughed evilly, 'I'm immune to that garlic shit!' But she was not immune to the wooden stake I had carefully hidden under my pillow and which I now drove deep into her evil vampiric heart with a single mighty blow from the hammer which I always keep in my nightgown pocket specifically for such emergencies.18
'Take that, you satanic fucker!' I declaimed in sardonic triumph. Then, before my very eyes, the voluptuous Magda shrivelled up into a wizened old crone, an old slag you wouldn't want to poke if she were the last female on the earth. Wow, what a fucking transformation! It fair took my breath away. And that is the true tale of how the legend of SNOGGO the valiant, indeed fearless, vampire slayer was born. 19
THE END20
~~~~~~~21
Author notes
If you have enjoyed this tale, why not try SNOGGO's other adventures:
allpoetry.com/poem/1176131 - SNOGGO's Space Journey
allpoetry.com/poem/1180980 - SNOGGO And The Slavering Beast
allpoetry.com/poem/1375139 - SNOGGO Meets A Terrifying Monster And Conquers It Without Much Trouble
allpoetry.com/poem/1405465 - SNOGGO's Terrible Revenge On His Brother.
More SNOGGO stories to come - keep watching the skies.
A contest entry
- HORROR, ROMANCE OR ANYTHING VAMPIRE by Reaver.
350 points, ended July 29, 2008, 11 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Sex, Monsters, Blood and Fantasy (you know you love the mix) by So Strange.
386 points, ended December 5, 2008, 10 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think? Please comment!
Comments
1 - 22 of 22
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Your story was really good, but the rules weren't all followed. If you could look at the rules in my contest, I would appreciate that.
But still, your grammar and the life in this story seemed really good and the story of it was very well put, too. I think you have a definite talent for the genres involved and you should continue with them for as much and long as you want.
Keep up the great work. I will look forward to more of your stuff in the near future.
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this was hilarious and wonderfully written Loved it!~ Will have to check out more of SNOGGO...thanks for entering D.
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Slaying
And you just happened to have a stake at hand,you brave perfect vampire slayer.Always thought garlic sounded a bit too simple.Have been subject to its strong stench from many a wench here in the Middle East.Very wise to sleep on a full colon as the constant farting keeps the mind alert to such tempteresses as the fair Magda.
Hysterical write and laughed out loud as usual.Buffy -
Dearest Edna,
This is truly a piece of wonderous prose, of a vampiric quality Bram Stoker would be jealous over.
My most favouritest part has to be:
"I have often noted that a good piss is one of life's simplest but most sublime joys. I decided against a dump, preferring to kip on a full colon."
I love your natural ability to poeticise even the most vulgar human acts, and all without the use of a thesaurus!
Bravo!
LB
x -
Hi, oh brilliant she cries falling of her chair with hysterical laughter, you slaughtered me, must read more of this series, sweet Edna I need you in my life right now, have not laughed so much in years, I love the way you start off so prim and proper, and very British, then with a swift cut to the gut you let rip, brilliant my friend, loved it, hugs Di,
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wow!
the stories just kepp getting better and better,and weirder and weirder.i love all the stuff that snoggo thinks about and the parts about shitting and pissng is truely unique,most writers REFUSE to put that in there stories,but you seem to emphasise it.
great job
off to read the rest.
oh yeah, i just wanted to say Americans are not a stranger to irony,most are just too stupid to undserstand it.
peace -
Dear red Z3 roof down (a weird nom de plume but no doubt it has some obscure meaning to you): You appear to be uninformed about the meaning of the word "demure". It means "reserved, modest or shy" and is usually applied to a woman. "Demurely" would be the adverbial derived from it: thus, modestly or shyly. Perhaps you didn't realise I was using it ironically; I visualised her standing there, eyes on the floor, offering herself to the great SNOGGO in a shy and pure way. I realise that irony is a stranger to Americans, but of course I do not know your nationality. You are incorrect about the Thesaurus by the way. I seldom resort to one. I welcome comments which are critical, but you need to get them right. Additionally, I do not attempt to demonstrate a wide vocabulary, although some people appear to think this is intentional (or deliberate according to your Thesaurus, I expect). The previous comment by "Springheel" I ignored as it was bollocks (testes, testicles, balls, nuts, etc.).
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Springhill has a very valid point. Additionally, dismissing your use of petty vulgarities, I did think your vocabulary was splendid. Then however, I read a line which made me think your vocabulary is really nothing more than a well developed skill with the thesaurus. A vocabulary so mature as you would have us believe yours to be would never have flagrantly misused "demure' as you did in describing Magda.
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Dude. What the hell.
It was like a story, without any story in it. Even though its over, I'm still waiting for it to develope a point and justify the fact that I just read it. -
SNOGGO is of the laissez-faire school of vampire hunters; he believes decapitation is excessive and messy. He uses a garlic flavoured stake.
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If ever there is a voluminous volume titled "The Life and Death of Snoggo", I might consider buying it from a bookstore near me.....hehe.
And oh yeah, Snoggo forgot to decapitate Magda to ensure she never gets resurrected again. -
Snoggo is ace well done a brilliant write i am off to read the rest bravo xx Cheryl
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good job
This is a hoot. You are truly a gem among poets.
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You never fail to slay me with your raunchy humor. If ever there was a more prolific, funny poet on this site, I cannot imagine who it could be.You have captured every heart who lays eyes on your writings and it is no wonder you are the favorite on many a list.Bravo for another fucking great tale of SNOGGO!
Light and love, LInda
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Dear Emotional: this is indeed a challenge and I shall ask SNOGGO if he's up for it. However: what, pray, is "The Boot Monster"? SNOGGO and I will need to know if he is to battle it.
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Wonderful
(ok.. let's try to comment on this before I get kicked offline. I think I need SNOGGO to battle the 'boot monster')
As always a wonderful, funny story. SNOGGO is just cool!
EH -
Dear candycoated cyanide:
I am pleased you felt this SNOGGO story was worthy of 2nd prize in your contest. Thanks for the points! SNOGGO is disapppointed he didn't come first, but he's a bit too vain for his own good. -
LOL! Hilarious.
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Great story! And I love your blatant sexuality and humor. Mind opening and broadening...which is always good!
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Your Poetry Rocks! It is so damn awesome and you convey emotion quite well. Keep on being so creative and good luck in the contest!
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I think that means you liked it. SNOGGO may take up parrot-slaying next. Please try one or other of my other SNOGGO sagas.
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Excellent!
This a fantastically funny story and you pulled it off really well.All of your sweetness just seems to come out ineverything you write and the choice vocabulary is lovelier than ever!
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