It Was Never Meant To Be

YOU CARRY this baby inside your womb, you feel every second of its growth inside you. Your own blood going through its veins, you build this unique and solitary relationship with it. You know that a piece of your soul has moved inside this baby and became part of his own soul given by God.1

You carry the burden and the weight, the anticipation of seeing this child with your own eyes, you know your heart have seen him already and have fallen in love with him, you know that your soul feel comfortable knowing he is there close and near. But your eyes is seeking the satisfaction of recognizing his details, your hands want so much to touch his skin, your arms want to carry him to hold him to hug him. Your lips want to kiss those cheeks to communicate love and affection. 2

Then the time comes, the pain the scare, the worry, the pain, the pain, the hustle the sounds the voices for twenty seven hours then came the surgeon knife. After three more hours, you wake up to the voices around you the whispers and suddenly you feel this unbelievable pain again in your belly. You open your eyes, you see nothing, no one despite all the noise, and you want to know what happened, still nothing.3

You want to know but you are too tired to ask your voice is not coming out, you want to scream with pain but again your voice is not coming out, your hands start caressing your belly you feel the bandages you feel the cut, ah and you feel the pain. They cut your belly to get the baby out. My God, you start crying, you don’t know why; is it the long hours of pain, the new life, the fright, the memory of the day before, the self petty, you don’t know but you can’t stop, you still cry and cry and cry. For seven days I cry.4

Then the miracle happens, the nurses bring me my baby girl. At first, I feel nothing, still I cannot comprehend what happened, who is she? Is this really the baby that for nine whole months lived inside of me? I look forward for whatever is coming, sometimes I feel numb as this whole thing is a new experience for me especially at the young age of nineteen.5

I look at her wondering when will I hear your voice say mommy, I am oblivious to what is going on inside people close to me. I never thought that this child that I gave this painful labor to is going to be the pain of my life the daughter I will never enjoy and never feel her love for me.6

For years and years without going into details I was denied her love, I was denied the feeling of being her mother, the feeling of her being my daughter. I was denied this joy by her father and her grandparents and maybe also her.7

For years and years I tried to be her rock at least her rock whenever she is in trouble whenever life is tough for her whenever there is absolutely no one for her to turn to, she could always rely on me to face whatever on her behalf, to put her behind me, I was not the wall she leaned on, no I was the cement barracks that people had to face before hurting her. But I was still denied this motherhood feeling.8

And after years and years of suffering to demand my rights as her mother; to demand her love, her respect, her recognition I finally lost her forever. I lost the daughter I never had.9

It was never meant to be; Me being her mother and Her being my daughter, it was just never meant to be.10

This unfinished struggle will live with me, I need to accept this truth I will never be the mother I will never feel this joy and she will never be mine.11

Became a fact of my life; She was never meant to be my daughter.12

And it doesn’t matter the tears. This time it will be much longer than seven days.13