One Day I Lost My Daughter

ONE day I lost my daughter;1

I lost her to the heavens or lost her to the devils. Who am I to know the real truth? Did she go or did she leave or did she just disappear? The fact is that she is not among us anymore. Doesn’t matter the pain, the agony, the fear, the surprise, the shock or the waste because there is only one fact that matters here and this fact is that she is not with us anymore.2

Is she here or is she there or did she just get out of my hair. 3

Sometimes it is very hard to be the daughter; especially when you really love your parents and you want to always see in their eyes how happy they are with you. You work very hard over the years for one purpose only; to see this look in their eyes; this look of unconditional love; this look of ‘we love you so much, you are very precious to us just because you are our daughter’ but after years and years of hard work you realize that you have not achieved that purpose. 4

In one unexpected moment of realization you come face to face with the burden, the effort, the hard work, and the time you spent trying to earn this look without success. You come face to face with the pain the tiredness the exhaustion of your trials and also come face to face with the failure. You ask yourself for God’s sake how long was this mission suppose to take and how much work should it consume or was it even suppose to be this hard or was it suppose to take this long and yet not achieved; was this suppose to be the mission impossible? You at this moment you realize that it took you so long much longer than it was possibly suppose to and you are still not there yet.5

You come face to face with the weight of this burden the weight of the years the weight of endless trials filled with emotions and disappointment and the huge horrible feeling of not being enough or not done enough. You realize how this mission has taken the toll of you and how this mission has taken over your life without you noticing and how this purpose without you realizing over the years have become your number one purpose your number one fight that you desperately needed to win or else you will be forever miserable you realize that in achieving this purpose lies your only hope for happiness. You realize that along the years and while you were trying so hard to achieve this purpose your parents on the other end were making this as difficult as possible for you every time you think you got close to accomplishment you get surprised that in fact you are still very far away from them or they are still very far away from you and that you are still on your first steps of a long long journey; a journey you thought it was time limited and distance limited but at this unexpected moment of realization you find out that in fact it is endless and unlimited and probably impossible to reach; yes impossible. After all those years of my life that I never believed that there is anything impossible to achieve in this life if you have the will this truth hit me hard in the nose. Satisfying my parents or seeing this look of love and appreciation and happiness and pride that I am their daughter is in fact the impossible task in this life.6

So, what do you do in this historical moment of realization; you decide to quit, you decide to quit this task, to quit this fight to drop this purpose, to just quit being their daughter. But how exactly can you do that, YOU JUST VANISH FROM THEIR LIVES FOREVER; not because you hate them, not because you want to revenge from them, no no for a much simpler reason FOR JUST BEING TIRED FOR JUST WANT ING TO REST. YOU ARE BREATHLESS FROM THIS ACQUISITION AND YOU JUST WANT TO GRASP SOME AIR INTO YOUR LUNGS, YOU JUST WANT TO SIT DOWN AND REST FROM THIS LONG TIRING FRUITLESS JOURNEY. AND YOUR CHOICES ARE LIMITED BECAUSE THE ONLY WAY YOU CAN DO THAT IS BY STOPPING BEING THEIR DAUGHTER.7