I hit the road.1
Lights flashed by my unweary eyes. Cars zoomed up and down the road ceaselessly. No wants, no needs, no memories. My empty car, others empty faces. Day. Night. Day. Night. My foot lay on the gas pedal and eased slowly and faster. For me, there was no stop to this madness. 2
Lines on the road, shoulder passing my glazed eyes. People in the towns, people in their streets, people in their cars. People laughing, people crying, happy people, arguing people…empty people.3
Night. Day. Nightlight. The moon shines brightly into the dim lit roads. Crowds and masses lived by that moonlight. But sometimes….no moon at all. People worshiped the night. The nightlight. The night watch. For people night meant outer-life. Meant true life. It meant sex. It meant intimacy, love, ecstasy. Dirty and nasty, or happy and clean, night meant sex. You could see it in their eyes. People's wavering, squirming eyes.4
Daylight. Daylight. Day. The sun beating down on a cold, lively world. Emotion full, rational mixed. Day. Bigger cars roared by in the day. Boldness and courage roared by at day. Full life at day. No true closeness. Just life. Just vibrations and words.5
Day. Night. Day. Night.6
Everything passed my eyes. People passed my eyes. Life and death flashed by like nothing. My vision was blurry and weak but I kept going on my ungodly mission. Oblivious yet omniscient to the world beside me. My face was neither stamped with depression nor filled with happiness. I was nothing. I was nothing. I was nothing. But I saw all. I knew all. Lines weren’t lines but people are people are people.7
My brake pedal was coated with a thin layer of dust when a large automobile crashed into my car, killing me instantly. I died as I have always lived. Nothing yet everything.8
Day. Night. Day. Night.9
The street life didn’t die because I did. The people continue walking. They continue talking. They continue fucking. I have no tombstone; I’ve never had a name. My glazed eyes rot in my shallow grave and above the dirt there is still day.10
Day. Night. Day. Night.11
Author notes
this is the same narrorater as "just casue" in case you didn't notice. i got the idea the same way.
inspired by aesop rocks "daylight" and "nightlight". two inverse songs.
something to make you laugh.. hmm. ...
a unicorn ONCE looked at chuck norris the wrong way... and thats why there arnt unicrons anymore (my cheap attempt at short typed humour. dont judge me xP )
somethin bout chihuahaus or sommit like that
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A contest entry
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does it flow as a story? please leave a long insightfl comment.
Comments
1 - 52 of 52
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sorry
i really did not like it that much so dont get mad ok
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Wow. It does definately flow quite well.
Plot: 4
Language: 3
Theme: 5
Great work here. Thanks for entering, and keep up the awesomeness!!! -
Nicely written. This was very much enjoyable to read. I think it flows really good as a story. thanks so much for entering and best of luck to you!
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Very well written. i understood everything. Good luck in my contest ^^
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This was a different piece, I must say. It was very descriptive and metaphorical. Still, it wasn't much of a story. It had more of a poetic flow for me. The repition of sentences and "Day. Night. Day Night." was a bit annoying as well. It was like you were trying to take up space in the story/poem. Still, I could feal meaning and emotion behind it all. I liked the idea, but it could be improvised a lot!
Good Luck! -
This piece comes out poetic and flows through nicely with short sentences and easy visuals. I quite liked it actually. My only thing is it can be a bit confusing as to what you're trying to say with this- but, if you're like me and you're constantly thinking through metaphors- the meaning can be easily grasped. I understood it just fine. At least from my own personal standpoint. I feel it can be interpreted in many different ways.
I did catch one small minor error in P2:
My empty car, others empty faces.
actually need an apostrophe in others if you are referring to their empty faces. In the way I read the sentence, it should be: My empty car, others' empty faces.
Overall, good work with this. Thank you for entering it in the "Flash Fiction" contest.
Good luck!
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Well , there is confusion or may be this i sonly my mind...whatever your motive to write it but you did nice job...good luck dear.
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er as you can see... I was the last one to comment on this and it was also in my other contest.... er I saw you read the rules but it would be great if you could enter something I haven't read, ppl can enter 3 stories so I would like you to try again and make me laugh, cry, or gasp. thanks!
CreaterSk8er -
i really liked reading this! thanks for your entry and best of luck to ya in the contest!
Kudos,
CreaterSk8er
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I loved this. I don't know what it was, but I absolutely loved it. Reading it was like walking through a daydream, almost ethereal in quality, like an out-of-body experience. And the message is potent and very clear. Would I call this a story? Not so much. Maybe a prose poem, but not a story. Love it, though--the repetition of certain points was exquisite
Did I mention I love it?
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I...dont really get it...but...okay it was actually really good but just confusing
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Stunning! It flowed very well. Almost poetic, actually. Very good.
~Ewig Lebensdaur -
It's so cool that you could write a story based on two different songs with it still making cents! I didnt really think of that when I was thinking about the contest. Guess I'll add that to the rules.
The story was really sad, obviously, but it was sad in a way that actuely ment something to me. This could actuely happen to someone. Great job. Thanks for entering! -
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thanks for the comment
and will it be dqed cause of being from 2 songs?
btw have you heard the songs?
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How depressing. Truly the ultimate cynical view on life, and it kind of leaves you feeling empty. So good job conveying all of that.
And also, thanks for entering and good luck in the contest!
Style: 8/10
Flow: 8/10
Uniqueness: 5/5
Readability: 6/7
Effect: 9/10
Lack of Errors: 3/3
Personal Score: 4/5
Total: 43/50 -
Not much for a story. This is more like a poetry or something else with deep meaning.
Life does go on. People die and others just keep going. The road is not left untouched. It is as though humans don't mind watching others die-- Besides, life will end eventually. Only the closest ones to those who die will ever truly care. Otherwise, a dead person is just another human gone. You truly captured this in your own way.
RayneFall
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I liked the flow and beat of the poem. It was a tad short but still good. Thanks for entering. I enjoyed reading this peice.
Elli
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The first paragraph is almost poetic.
I actually think that top section should be stanza'ed like a poem, which it really is just a free style poem, then it won't freak me out as much to see a bunch of framented sentences. Yes, that's the answer...awesome though.
actally I take that back...this whole thing is a poem! It's awesome...I simply can't do poetry!
Awesome -
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why thank you
i guess it sorta is a poem (but for ME, personal opinion don't quote me) poems have to rhyme. and although it does have a rhyming scheme at the end
"... The people continue WALKING.
They continue TALKING.
They continue FUCKING.
I have no tombstone;
I’ve never had a NAME.
My glazed eyes rot in my shallow GRAVE
and above the dirt there is still DAY"
it still wouldn't be a peom(in my eyes)
...but i guess it is a grammer heavy persons private hell xP -
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Poems don't have to rhyme. Poetry can be rhyming or non-rhyming. They just have to have a rhythm (beat). Syllable count helps to create this rhythm
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I love the repetition, just the way it's written is really great to me. Fantastic job.
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Very beautiful writing, I can tell that you wrote what you felt. It had a nice poetic feel. I liked the repetition, as opposed to Madg down there. I think it helped emphisis everything. Very good story. Thank you for posting.
-Savannah
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I liked this. At the beginning, I was sort of like "Okay, where is this going?", but as it went along and I got to the end, I really liked it. There are a few grammatical errors that I'm sure you'd notice if you read through this and read it aloud. Nice job.
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Norris joke for the win.
That was a great story, actually. Very insightful. Rather poetic, actually.
Like spoken verse in story format. Well done.
The only issue I have with the story is the constant repetition of Day and Night, or repeating the same line over and over again.
Repetition is good, and it pummels the idea into the reader's mind, getting the point across, but there's a sense of subtelty that makes it even more powerful - more poetic. Tone it down a leel-bit.
Otherwise, great read. Loved the line at the end, "My glazed eyes rot in my shallow grave and above the dirt there is still day." -
I think it does have flow. This is written very unusually. Its kind of confusing, but not in a bad way. I don't know if that makes any sense or not. I like it alot. Especially the whole Day. Night. Day. Night. thing.
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Nice. I like this, but I don't think it's your best one
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I'm sorry, but I'll have to DQ your entry for not following the specified guidelines of my contest. Must be at least 800 words.
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Good as far as it goes
It plays well. It's a good start,but you could do more with it. I know I don't catch everything, but what was the ungodly mission: the car wreck? Build on this story. Expand it so that the tension lingers. For instance you could pick up a stranger and have a discussion with this stanger. Poe would do that I think. Remember Poe showed the horror coming for a long time. You are back there watching the horror come and there is nothing you can to to stop it. It builds tension and that keeps the reader interested in the outcome. And remember with Poe each of his characters had a fatal flaw that did him in. good work
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well, i think im going to write a third piece to explain thi smans mentality.
i already have 2 pieces from this man's point of view. and the third. well, dont worry ill write the third soonly
(like have you read "just cause"? its another piece, it might help explain a little bit.
his ungodly mission, is living outside the human condition. and the crash...well the crash was the end.
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Great story. Unfortunately I have never heard of the song, so I'll have to listen to it later.
Thank you for entering and good luck -
This is marvellous. The metaphors you used are incredible and the entire idea of the story was lovely. It's also completely true. Good job.
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You know, it does flow as a story. I makes me think, for some reason, of the short story "Those Who Walked Away From Omelas"; it has a lot of similarities.
The day, night thing was used strategically and not overdone. Great job! -
i loved this! great stuff!
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i love the choppy descriptions, and the repetition of 'day' and 'night' were so well played without getting overdone i liked how the narrator was somewhat annonomous.
thank you for entering, and good luck! -
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thank you
have you read the other part to the story? its labeled "just cause".
is there anyway i could improve the story?
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Interesting. Some familiar imagery, maybe just a little too Travis Bickle. But it was well written and thought out. An interesting read.
Keep it up!!!
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This is how I feel right now. I feel as if no one would care if I was gone, or if anyone would notice that I was no longer in their presence. Either way, you wrote something meaningful that many people can relate to.
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sweet. thanks for the complement. but, i guess im just weird, but i dont see these stories of mine as depressing. everyone tells me "Oh alwaysrockon, why do you write such depressingly stories" and i cant answer. their not really meant to be a kind of FML, their just stories. also in them everyone thinks i see people as dead(in terms of humanity) but, i rekon again im strange, but i tried to make them seem *normal*. the people are not emotionanless, only the narrorator.
also if you can truly relate to this story then i can only say do summit meaningful.
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I see most of the errors have been mentioned. It's a bit repetitive in spots, but as the persons thought process it works OK. Over all not a bad write. I enjoyed the abstractness of this piece.
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well most people have been saying that its repetive on the spot. "people are people are people" it kind of has to be like that. because "people are people" is to short, its too simple, its to commen. sure "people are people" cause they sure aint soylent gre--damn. but i digress.
how could i reduce the repetativeness of this piece?
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Very unusual
rather disturbing, but very well written. It's something that needs to be read several times to understand, which is so much better than something you must hurry through to get it over with.
Very good job.
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It does yet not really. It goes in the flow of a story, steady not rushed, like a gentle breeze it lingers for a moment and then goes away. At the same time it is not cut out to be enlongated and I thank you for that. If it was longer as a shory then it really wouid not make sense. So it does has the flow of a story. I thank you for a great read.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Okay, so let's get some typos corrected first...
"My foot lay on the gas pedal and eased slowly and fastly (faster).2"
"For me, (there was) no stop to this madness.2"
"Lines on the road (and get rid of this.) shoulder passed my glazing (glazed) eyes.3"
"Peoples (people's) wavering, squirming eyes.4"
"The sun beating down on a cold, life full (lively) world.5"
Alrighty. The story as a whole was very unique, and written nicely; your repetitive sentences really worked for what you're writing about. The voice being so detached and observation is what made this story work.
Also, I really liked the concept of day and night...I think that you portrayed human life very well. I did like this story a lot too, and what made me want to keep reading was the fact that I wanted to know how this all tied in together to make sense. And it did come together in the ending, as a good story should.
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thank you
with those messed up words such as "fastly, life full, etc. etc. etc." i just kinda put them there becasue i couldn't think of any synonems that would keep the fluidity and shortness of the word.
the narrorator is the same as one of my other stories "just cause" by the way. this ones not a real sequal so i didnt mark it but if you read it its extremely noticable.
is there anything that i could do to betterafy it? -
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Ahhh, I see. I suggest changing them because instead of keeping up the flow, it kinda disrupts it.
Welll...maybe clearing up the end a bit? Like, I wasn't sure if the MC was a ghost or looking from the afterlife down onto humanity or something. -
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well the story is happining in real time. its like not a flahsback or a memory, but it goes as he talks.
i changed the words and again thanks for the help
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Everlasting nothingness
Describes life very well.
A brutal stab of realism for the Vampire and sob story obsessive SW crowd.
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Nice
Very brilliant! it was very strange, but really good! It had a great pace and was very descriptive. I agree with Suzwhite, that it is great that this in the killers mind. I've already read just cause, but i did not comment.
Great job!
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well what did you think of "just cause"?
and is there anything i could do to improve the story as a whole? some people are saying its a bit repetative but im not sure, is it?
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Oh cool... very cool
I like this whole nothigness; or maybe not even nothingness but the lack of love that really speaks from this. I like it, I think it's brilliant. It's like one of those things, one of my teachers said that at school, what was the saying... damn. I can't remember it exactly, it was something along the lines of "If a tree in the deepest jungle died, would anybody hear it fall?" well, no, probably not. It was used in one of our science lessons as a comparison to what if our planet got destroyed. Well, nothing, no one would know.
Love this story. Really well written.
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yes
I think it flows well as a story and I also like the poetry in it, alot. Some pauses with commas would make it flow well, too. I like that you wrote another story from this killer's point of view, and was not sad that he died. He doesn't care, and I dont care. I think you've captured his indifference and arrogance brilliantly. p10 is the best part I think. Nice work.
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thank you
critique is always good
i rekon ill edit in some more "Stops" to help the fluidity.
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