Murder on the RMS Allpoetry

"Oh dear," sighed Shimmytar. The case had just begun and it was already wearing on her nerves. This was to be one of the last of Shimmytar's homicide assignments - she would soon be switched to desk duty. TouchofFUNder walked up behind her and slapped her on the back. "Well, partner," she exclaimed as Shimmytar readied herself to board the ship. "Are you ready to end it all?" Smiling at Shimmytar, TouchofFUNder picked up her evidence kit and walked up on board. Taking a deep breath, Shimmytar followed.1

Shimmytar entered the lounge, her partner stomping ahead of her. The room had been vacated. The only persons left were the bodies of Kevin and Haikumonk. "Touch, you wanna be in charge of photographs?" TouchofFUNder nodded and withdrew a large camera from her bag. As TouchofFUNder began snapping photos of the crime scene, Shimmytar approached the bodies. After deciding to start with Kevin, she opened up her kit and put on her crime unit gloves. Taking out her tape recorder, she began examining Kevin.2

"Victim is a 37 year old male with brown hair, very short, brown eyes, and a fair complexion. No fatal wounds, indicating that the murder weapon may in fact be poison." At this, she stopped. There was one shot fired, yet this victim had no gunshot wounds. Glancing at Haikumonk, she guessed that he didn't have any gunshot wounds either. Turning her tape recorder back on, she continued. "Since neither victim shows any signs of being shot, I would assume that the gunshot was merely a distraction, giving the perpetrator a chance to not only escape but also blend in with the crowd." Sighing, Shimmytar continued to examine the body. "Victim has blood and skin underneath his fingernails. Assuming he did not struggle at the time of his murder, the victim could have been involved in a physical altercation earlier this evening. Whoever was the other participant is will probably be our main suspect." After scraping the skin from under Kevin's fingernails into a small evidence pouch, Shimmytar moved to Haikumonk. 3

"Victim is a 34 year old male with blonde hair to the shoulders, green eyes and a dark tan. He has four scratch marks on the back of his neck, most likely from the other victim. This rules out the idea of a main suspect based on a physical altercation. This victim, besides the scratches on the neck, shows no physical wounds indicating poison as the murder weapon."4

Shimmytar turned and called to TouchofFUNder and called, "I'm finished with the inspection. I'm going to interview some people." After a nod of recognition, she set off to go talk to the witnesses.5

Shimmytar found all the crew in the dining room and announced that she would be talking to them one at a time in the adjacent bedroom. Her first witness was Rhianon.6

"So, Rhianon, I would like to hear your account of what happened."7

Rhianon's eyes got big, and she began talking excitedly. "Oh, it was awful! We were all in the lounge, drinking and having fun when there was this really loud bang! I looked around and saw Kevin and Haikumonk go limp. They looked like they were sleeping, but I knew better. I started screaming like everyone else and I ran straight to my room to pray. But, there was one thing I noticed. Random Master wasn't freaking out; he had his camera and was taking pictures of the bodies. Is that strange?"8

Shimmytar said, "Thank you Rhianon. That information really is quite helpful." Rhianon nodded and smiled, then exited back into the dining room. On went the interviews, each telling the same basic story, give or take a few personal details, and each making sure Shimmytar knew about Random Master and his camera. Finally, last but not least was Random Master himself. After giving the same description of the event as the others, Shimmytar asked, "So, what were you doing with your camera?"9

Random Master looked at her, a look of amusement on his face. "You know about that, do you?"10

Shimmytar replied, "Of course I do. Every single one of the people I just talked to mentioned it. So, what was the story with that?"11

Random Master sighed, then said, "I got a message this morning that something really big was going to happen. I can give you the note if you want it." After rummaging around in his pocket for a moment, Random Master extracted a slip of paper signed Smallmonk. "Thank you, Mr. Master, I believe that will be all."12

Later that night, lying in her bed, Shimmytar looked back on her notes. So far, she had gathered that Maatkara was close friends with the Captain and had been seen delivering drinks to the other ship passengers. Kasdeja, the lounge singer, had a history with Kirbysman, who left her for Barbara. Barbara had been seen throwing all of her hairstyling equipment off deck into the water. This made Smallmonk very angry, and he insisted she buy more to "compensate for the damage that has been done in the time when he could not have his hair cut". Apparently, Smallmonk has a very bad temper. He also gave Random Master, the amateur photographer, a note saying something very important would occur in the lounge after dinner. Rhianon and Balladeer had an affair at some point, and they have been seen together sneaking off into abandoned bedrooms every night. Topaz135 was the ship psychic, and many people were angry at him for making false predictions that caused great financial losses for the persons in question. However, he was on significantly good terms with almost everyone, including Kevin and Haikumonk. Lady AnnDemeanor was widowed six times, all to millionaires, making her the richest person on the ship by far. However, she was not actually on the ship when the murders occurred; she had fallen and hurt her hip and needed medical attention. Ogreatbaldone, the bartender, had been the one mixing the drinks . . . if anyone had slipped anything into the victims' drinks, it would be him. There seemed to be two main suspects: Ogreatbaldone, and Smallmonk. Shimmytar soon fell asleep, surrounded by her notepads and photographs. 13

The next morning, TouchofFUNder was nowhere to be found. However, there was interesting news from the coroner. It turned out that Kevin, the ship's captain, was not actually dead. He was in a coma, but his condition was stable. Haikumonk, unfortunately, had not been so lucky. The cause of death (and coma) had been very hard to trace; they had obviously been victim of insulin poisoning, however there was no insulin whatsoever in the drinks, nor in the stomach contents of the two. Finally, a small needle mark was found in the neck of both men, implying that they had been injected. For this to have happened without the other noticing, both men must have been injected at the same time. This means that there were two perpetrators. Keeping this in mind, Shimmytar set off to interrogate her two suspects.14

"I used to be an officer, you know. In my day, we didn't treat fellow cops like this. I can't believe how much disrespect I am receiving from you."15

"Sir, you are a suspect in a murder. Now, if you aren't responsible, you will have a perfectly reasonable alibi. Surely you are aware of the fact that an alibi can make or break a case against someone? So, if you weren't murdering someone, what were you doing?"16

Smallmonk sighed. "Okay, I'll tell you, but you have to swear I will be exempt from any crimes I may incriminate myself in." After Shimmytar nodded, Smallmonk sighed again and muttered, "Rhianon caught me stealing from her cash register. I had broken some stuff in the process, so she is even more angry at me because she had to clean everything up this morning. Ask her if you don't believe me."17

"Trust me, I will. Now, I would also like you to tell me why you gave Random Master a note telling him where to be that night."18

"I simply passed on information that was given to me. I received a letter telling me to be out of the area that night because something big was going to happen, something that could damage my reputation. I thought that whatever it was, it must involve a crime. I thought if I could get Random Master there, he could take pictures and maybe get something on camera to help the police. I am sorry I didn't come out with this information earlier. I will gladly give you the letter that was sent to me."19

Shimmytar nodded and said, "Well thank you, Mr. Smallmonk. You have been a great help to this investigation. I will gladly appreciate it if you get that letter to me before I leave later tonight." Smallmonk smiled and left. A few moments later, Ogreatbaldone entered the room. 20

"Well, hello officer. Tell me, caught any killers lately?"21

"I see why everyone hates you. Please, sit down. I would like to ask you to submit to a search of your room and property. I would also like to test your hands for insulin."22

"Why, of course officer," Ogreatbaldone replied. "My body is yours to control."23

Shimmytar didn't like his sliminess. She saw him as a disgusting, foul human being. However, a thorough search of his property and a chemical test of his hands and blood showed that he couldn't have been involved in the murder.24

By the end of the night, TouchofFUNder still hadn't turned up, and the letter to Smallmonk was not bringing up any more leads. However, after reviewing her interviews, interrogations, and re interviews, Shimmytar realized that Kevin and Haikumonk only had one enemy apiece: themselves. Based on that, Shimmytar decided to delve a little deeper into their pasts. Thanks to a little invention called the Internet, Shimmytar finally discovered that Kevin had been in a dangerous medical situation once before at the hands of his dear friend Haikumonk. She also learned that Haikumonk had been charged with many things: assault, armed robbery, even manslaughter. And he had a partner in crime - someone named Broccoli. But when Shimmytar saw a picture of Haikumonk and Broccoli, she understood immediately. The next day, TouchofFUNder was found and arrested.25

"After doing some research, I learned that the woman we all know as TouchofFUNder is in truth a criminal named Broccoli. She was married to Haikumonk before they had to part company when they were released from prison. It is my understanding they met up the other night and planned to murder Kevin. Haikumonk had the idea to inject himself as well to make it look less obvious. Unfortunately for poor Haikumonk, his tolerance to insulin was not as high as Kevin's."26

After finishing her report, Shimmytar went out on deck to admire the brilliant ocean. She was taking a well-deserved break before beginning desk duty. She was soon joined by her companion, Smallmonk, who wrapped a blanket around her shoulders. "Hi baby," he whispered in her ear. "Are you ready to start our life together?"27

Shimmytar smiled at him. "Of course. I've been ready for ages. I think we'd better go inside, it's getting cold. Oh, and dear? Could you bring me the bottle of insulin? We'd better dispose of it before someone figures us out."28