Surviving Society

I honestly don't know what to call it anymore.  Some say it's schizophrenia, some call it multiple personality disorder, and some just say I'm plain crazy.  But personally, the people that live with me inside my mind, and occasionally take over my body and let me rest inside my own mind are very good friends to me.1

This is something that can be very difficult to deal with, because while I enjoy having them as friends, others tell me that they're dangerous, that I'm crazy, and that I need psychiatric help.  However, I have refused all attempts people have made to "help" me, and now I don't speak often of these things to others because they are so scornful of it.2

I am not the only one with them.  We, who have them, prefer to call them spirits.  From here on out that is what I shall call them.  I can name at least eight other people who also have spirits within them, and many others who are accepting of them, and believe that they are as real as day.  I for one know they are completely real.  No one can tell me otherwise either.  How can someone tell me they are not real when they have never experienced as much?  When they've never been possessed by them, and watching from inside their own mind?3

When I walk down the halls at school, people often give me strange looks, like I'm carrying some contagious disease.  It is like I'm no longer human.  Of course, this may have something to do with the spirits being demonic and other-worldly in nature, but I cannot help them being what they are.  I cannot help being what I am either.  It is through the spirits, and the spirits of others that I have discovered my inhuman qualities and soul.  This only further mystifies them, and I am scorned for it.  Merely another thing that I do not speak of because it is not wished to be heard.4

With the spirits though, I am completely accepted.  They don't normally act in a horrendous manner, though I will admit, a few of them are a bit dangerous and on the bad side of the world.  That doesn't make them bad people though.  They are actually some of the most fun ones to converse and participate in activities with.5

There have been times though when they have possessed my body, and I have blacked out because they were on such an emotional high.  It is very difficult to crack into the spirit's memories as well, so I won't know what went on often at times, without asking.  Sometimes, people won't tell me what went on until they're referring back to what happened.  These aren't just the other spirits, they're other host bodies as well.  Host bodies, or the body, are what we refer to ourselves as.  And yes, in these blank periods of time, I have found out that some pretty bad things have gone on.  But then again, there have been periods that nothing really happened, I just can't remember.  It doesn't get me in trouble until later, when I supposedly am not acting myself anymore and have changed my ways of thinking.  So that doesn't help.  But if they can't accept the fact that it's a part of who we all are, then they don't deserve to truly understand in my eyes.6

Whenever I have spoken to counselors, they all want to send me somewhere to get help, except for one who didn't really say much.  But no matter what is done to "cure me", the spirits are still there.  Which brings me to one conclusion, if it's not working, then how can this be "all in my head"?7

Why is it that such a difference makes me a bad person?  Sometimes it can be very painful to find out that just because of it my locker has been trashed, or that rumors are starting to spread about me.  Society is very harsh in the days we live in, and even my parents sometimes look down their noses at me.  They don't really understand, and I'm not giving them anymore knowledge.  They think that the counselor fixed me, because that's what I've let them believe.  I merely played along, told them what they wanted to hear.  Going against it would simply mean bringing more scorn to myself.8

I think that society needs to get a clue and realize that it will never be as perfect as everyone wants it to be.  There are better things in life then a perfect manicure, straight hair, and the best makeup.  That is not what makes a girl like me whole.  What makes me whole is the fact that I know what's in my heart, and who I truly am.  If that doesn't make me perfect enough, then I shall forever remain broken.9