As I Contemplate

I lay here... I can barely breathe, my chest is cramping up, and the tears are flowing unending. Was it worth it? Is it worth it? Is life worth living and the pain worth enduring?1

Just a moment ago I reached for my weekly pill organizer, and spilled out every pill, counted up how many I had of each, glanced between the piles and the bottle of water I always have to take my medicine before bed.2

My stomach churns, sickly. I don't want the hospital again, everyone hated me after I came back from that hell the first time... But neither care for me... What did I do that was so wrong?3

The day started fine... I woke up early for once, was ready in time for school for once, didn't feel sick for once. Spoke with my mom, a real conversation, neither of us hurt or insulted by the end. It seems so long ago that that had been so. I went to school, went to all my classes, ate without getting sick from it for once in a long time. I thought maybe... maybe things were about to take a turn for the better... But then I came home.4

I called my mom to tell her I was volunteering at the special olympics tomorrow and needed to pack a lunch to bring with me. She yelled at me. She yelled at my sister to... She put the blame on me. I let it go... I spent hours, 3pm-8pm, doing homework to improve my grades, maybe make you proud of me... Mom yelled at me when she came home. Why is she acting like this?5

My mom's an alcoholic, my parents are getting a divorce, my brother moved out and is living in a house with a bunch of drug addicts and drinkers, and my dad hated his kids... Where was I in all this? Lost...6

My sister fought with me again, called me a psychopath, told me to stay out of her way. My mom doesn't want to see me anymore, she told me I was a bad daughter, just a moment after my sister told me I was a bad sister. I recalled my best friend telling me I was a bad friend, and suddenly started thinking maybe its because I'm a bad person that no one likes me...7

Here I cry, a small pile of Sudafed, maybe ten or more pills, next to a bottle of water... I want to swallow them all down, feel the burn in my throat and let life pass me by... Would anyone miss me?