Nathan Parker opened the metal door and strolled out onto the sidewalk. The bright sunlight hit his face and he had to squint to see. Today was Friday, and he was out of school for the weekend! Nathan sat down on a small iron bench in front of his high school and waited for his friends to arrive. Every Tuesday and Friday, Nathan and his band, The Aliens, gave concerts at the local community center a few blocks away.1
Nathan picked up his guitar case and opened the latches. In the case, there was a handsome red electric guitar. He had received it as a Bar Mitzvah gift, and he treasured it ever since then. Nathan was admiring it when somebody tapped him on his shoulder. Nathan looked up. Hovering over him was Oliver Bradley, the percussionist of the band. 2
"Hey guitar freak," said Oliver teasingly, "what's up?"3
"Oh nothing." replied Nathan. He hastily shut his guitar case and set it under the bench. "Where are the other guys?" asked Nathan.4
"They're coming. Just wait." Oliver knew how anxious Nathan was to go play for the people. "The community center is staying there. Don't worry." Nathan forced a chuckle at Oliver's joke. 5
A minute later, the two other members of the band, Mark Taylor and Tyler Jacobs burst out of the high school and came toward Oliver and Nathan. 6
"Hey Olive, hey Nathan." said Mark and Tyler. Olive was Oliver's nickname. 7
"Yeah hi." said Nathan unenthusiastically. "Come on, let's move it!" The four members gathered their belongings and started to walk to the community center. A few minutes later, the community center, a large brick building, loomed in front of them. As Mark opened the door, a blast of cool air hit the members, and they strolled into the atrium.8
They briefly looked around the atrium. It was a huge room with a marble floor, wood paneling, and a glass dome perched on the roof. They continued into the auditorium where they set up their instruments. About ten minutes later, the excited fans began filing into the auditorium. A few of them even went up to the stage to get autographs from the band!9
They began playing some time later. The music echoed off the walls of the auditorium. While they were playing, Nathan gazed out into the mass of fans. It was Nathan's dream to be a world-renowned musician. He might as well start here. The auditorium was nearly full. That made Nathan happy. After they played four songs, the concert ended. 10
The band received a standing ovation! Everybody was cheering and applauding the band. Nathan closed his eyes and smiled. Someday he would be playing at even bigger concert. Finally, the noise of the fans ceased. Everyone began to leave the auditorium. Mark, Tyler, and Olive began putting away their instruments and packing up. However, Nathan walked to the edge of the stage and sat down with his dangling over the edge. Mark, Tyler, and Olive gazed at Nathan quizically.11
"Dude, what are you doing?" asked Mark.12
"Yeah, aren't you going to pack up?" asked Tyler.13
"No. I'm going to start working on our next songs." replied Nathan.14
"Are you sure you want to stay? We're going out for pizza." said Olive.15
Nathan shook his head. 16
"Okay then. Suit yourself. But you might want to leave soon. I've heard a thunderstorm is coming." said Tyler. The three members waved goodbye to Nathan and walked out. Nathan waved back. He began to play various chords and excerpts of their past songs. Nathan stopped playing for a few minutes and looked out of a window. The gray clouds had concealed the sun. It was going to storm! And he had no ride home! Nathan hastily gathered his belongings and ran out the auditorium, throught the atrium, and out the door.17
The sky was completely gray. There was a flash of lightning and a loud BOOM sound as a clap of thunder echoed through the air. He began to run. He was just four blocks from his house when it began to pour rain. Nathan looked around. He was in front of his middle school. He hated middle school and had bad memories there, but despite all that, Nathan opened the door and walked in.18
Author notes
Chapter 2: Coming soon!
What did you think? Please comment!
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
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Nice
I like this story. Its a half cliffhanger i guess. I've read ally uor other stories and loved them so far. I reckon that when you finished them all, you should get them pulished. There are a few errors in this one though.beginning: 4, language: 4, plot: 4, overall: 7, ending: 4, dialog: 4, characters: 3.
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gr8 first chapter uncle, im just going to read chaoter 2 now, well done with this story, I think its going good and i hope to read chapter 2 of that Mysterious House one very soon, that one is excellent
best wishes
-Crazy-Poet-4-Eva- aka ure nephew the poetry guy
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Once again, Nice! I love these kind of stories, they really get me hooked! I hope you post the second chapter soon! I'll keep reading!
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This is extremely well-written, with good narrative and dialogue. Great work - write on!
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REALLY REALLY good i cant wait to see the next chapter. ok keep it up
~nerny -
Thank you so much for your comment. I appreciate it a lot. I will definitely keep this in mind in my next installment of this story.
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Structurally this was well written. I did see some edits that you may want to consider. In the first two paragraphs NP is the only person being spoken about, but you continued to use his name instead of using “he” or “him”. Only when another person is being spoken about should names be used, except for when it affects the flow of the paragraph. Sometimes, it just reads better with the name instead.
In conversations or longer dialog it is not necessary to say “NP said”, “He said” or “anyone said” at all. It is implied in a dialog of two people, that the new indented paragraph is the other persons response or statement. (note: with more than two in the dialog this becomes more complicated).
Example from your work:
“Dude, what are you doing?" asked Mark.
"Yeah, aren't you going to pack up?" asked Tyler.
"No. I'm going to start working on our next songs." replied Nathan.
"Are you sure you want to stay? We're going out for pizza." said Olive.
Possible alternatives:
“Dude, what are you doing?" Mark asked Nathan.
"Yeah, aren't you going to pack up?"
"No.” Nathan said, “I'm going to start working on our next songs."
"Are you sure you want to stay?” Olive said with a smile. “You know we're going out for pizza."
I do want to point out, that since you had four people talking here, your method was flawless and not a “wrong” way of doing it. Just wanted to provide additional options.
You should be wary of point of view shifts. The story is told from NP’s point of view, but in paragraph 5 you said that OB “knew” something. To avoid the point of view shift, you should have him “say” something to let the reader know what he knew, without shifting the point of view. This was something that I struggled with, and still struggle with in my writing. OB could say something like, “N are you anxious this time?” I think you get what I am talking about.
I enjoyed this piece and it is very well written. Excellent job and I hope that you do not mind my criticism and notations. We are all here to improve our writing… Keep it up my fellow ink slinger!
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Thats a great chapter! I loved it!!! You always leave a mystery at the end of the chapters don't you?
I really like your style, it is adapted to all ages and very thrilling, and alive. Its great to see you are good at storywriting as well as poetry! 
Great job!
Tell me when Chap.2 is coming!!!
Lady anairO
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Good start, Evan. I can't wait to see the next chaper.
Very good write.
Brian
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