Nice Guy (one-act play)

NICE GUY by Karen Harper1

(Lights up on a bar.  The bar is empty except for Stewart 2

Dirk, who is seated at the counter, absorbed in his beer.  He3

is a middle-aged, bespectacled man in a business suit.  At 4

right enters Peggy Malone, a twentysomething blonde bombshell in a tight red dress.  She spots Stewart and hurries to sit at the counter beside him.)5

PEGGY6

Well, hello!7

STEWART8

Um, hi.9

PEGGY10

What’s a nice guy like you doing all alone in a place like this?11

STEWART12

Um... drinking?13

PEGGY14

What’re you drinking?  Can I taste it?  15

(She grabs the beer from his hand and gulps it down)16

Mmmm... not bad.17

(belches)18

STEWART19

Um... yeah.20

(glancing at his watch)21

Say, it’s late.  I’ve got to be going.22

PEGGY23

(grabbing his arm)24

Wait!  Take me with you!25

STEWART26

What?!27

PEGGY28

I want to go with you.  Please.29

STEWART30

Lady, I don’t mean to be rude, but I don’t even know you.  Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve really got to be going.31

PEGGY32

(throws herself at his feet)33

Please.34

(Stewart is dumbfounded.  He stares at Peggy in disbelief for 35

a moment.)36

STEWART37

What’s your deal?38

PEGGY39

(not looking at him)40

Please.  Just take me with you.41

(Stewart slowly crouches down to her level and looks her in 42

the eye)43

STEWART44

What-45

PEGGY46

Don’t- I’m sorry- I know this is- 47

STEWART48

What’s this all about?49

(He is holding both her hands in his now.)50

PEGGY51

(still not looking at him)52

I need to go home with you.  Please.53

STEWART54

OK. OK. Let me see if I’m understanding this correctly. You, a beautiful, knockout blonde who could have any man she wants, approach me- me, of all people, a chubby, over-the-hill guy with no life or social skills to speak of- and you beg me to take you home. OK.  Yup, that makes perfect sense.  55

PEGGY56

(quietly)57

Please.58

STEWART59

Why me?  Just tell me that.  Why me, of all people?60

PEGGY61

Because you seem like a nice guy.62

(Pauses)63

And you’re the only guy in this place.64

STEWART65

(laughs)66

Nice guy, eh?  I thought nice guys finish last.  Apparently not when you’re the only guy in the room.67

(Peggy stands and presses her body against his.)68

PEGGY69

Please.  Just take me.  You don’t know what it will mean to me.70

STEWART71

Mean to you?  This means something to you?72

(Offstage, a man yells, “Peggy!”  She pulls away from 73

Stewart, startled, and looks nervously in the direction of 74

the voice.  Stewart stares at her with a frown.)75

STEWART76

What was that?77

PEGGY78

It’s- nothing- Please-79

STEWART80

Nothing?  That didn’t sound like nothing-81

(He takes a step back from her, but she takes a step forward 82

and wraps her arms around him, kissing him deeply.)83

PEGGY84

Are we going to do this, or not?85

STEWART86

I- What-87

MAN’S VOICE, OFFSTAGE88

Peggy!  Let’s go!  If you don’t get me some cash tonight, I’ll fucking kill you!  You hear me?89

(Peggy clings to Stewart and begins to sob.  He stares at her90

in disbelief.)91

PEGGY92

Please... let’s just do this, ok?  Please.93

STEWART94

What- I- Oh, my God-95

PEGGY96

I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.  I didn’t want to do this.  You looked like a nice guy.  He needs the money so he can get his fix.  I- I’ve never done this before.  I just- Please-97

MAN’S VOICE98

Peggy!  Where are you, you little bitch?99

(Peggy clings to Stewart in terror)100

PEGGY101

(sobbing)102

I’m sorry.  You looked like a nice guy.103

(Stewart stares at Peggy for a moment, and then pulls her to 104

him, desperately.  He kisses her hard on the mouth as the105

lights fade to black.)106

THE END107