His body pressed up against mine, pinning me to the hard, cold, stone wall. I shivered, arching my back as his rough hands swept down to my hips, pulling me closer. My breathing quickened as tiny pin pricks of adrebaline ran through my blood. I knew this was wrong. I didn’t care. 1
He dug his nails lightly into my hips, drawing a small amount of blood. I gasped, my knees becoming weak. I trembled against his iron hold.2
“Firefly…” He breathed in my ear, his voice was rough and deep. 3
“More,” I whimpered, giving into him. 4
I tangled my fingers in his short, messy, black hair, pulling his lips to mine. I looked into his deep forest- green eyes.5
“More what?” he teased. I shook, pressing my lips against his in answer. 6
The kiss was full of want, lust and animal instincts. That’s all I needed.7
He moved away too quickly and I tried to pull him back. He smirked and pinned my arms, disabling any movement on my part. 8
“Soon Firefly, you’re almost ready.” His voice was full of triumph. He had won. I was and always would be his. Always his… 9
***10
I bolted up right, my seat belt restricting most of my movement. My breathing was labored and loud. My eyes darted around the darkened dark, the soft pattering of rain against the roof calming me slowly. I could almost feel the monsterous tree's outside lending there branches for a broken unbrella. 11
“From the sound you were making I’d say that was an intense dream.” The voice brought reality painfully crashing down on me. 12
My cheeks burned, bright crimson on pale skin, blending into my fierce red hair. The light grey of my eyes fell upon the face of Anthony Ryners. He was six feet even and weighed one hundred and forty-seven pounds. He had medium curly brown hair and hazel eyes.13
“Aw, I made you blush.” He smiled leaning forward, causing his black flannel t-shirt to cling to him and I noticed his six pack.14
“Shut up Anthony,” I growled and put my hands behind my head. Well I would have, if it weren’t for the handcuffs. 15
Now, Anthony is no cop and the limo is no cop car and I’m not under arrest. I’m just good at running when I don’t like things like being shipped off to a school for freaks, In the middle of The Rocky Moutains, hours away from my house in Edmonton Alberta. I bet they don't even get good cell phone service there.16
I’m being shipped off to The Royal Academy of Night Children. Aka, the school of freaks. I’m not your normal teenage girl. In fact, I’m a freak. A smart, cunning, powerful freak.17
Now you’re all probably thinking vampires or werewolves.18
Wrong!19
Night children are one hundred percent human. Notice how I left out normal. See, we just have special abilities.20
Take Anthony for example, he’s a Guardian. He has lightning fast reflexes, can run almost as fast as a cheetah, his hearing, smell and eyesight are like nothing any doctor can explain. All of these things makes him a pain in my ass, and puts a stop to most of my escape plans.21
What am I, you ask? Well…I’m a Singari. I can tap into the flows of time; I can enter the dreams of others and manipulate them – which I don’t. I can also tap into the four main elements and see into the world of Galani. 22
Galani is a perfect imprint of our world, only darker. Galani is what you’d call Hell. It’s where evil is born, pure evil. The type of evil that drives a mother to drown her child or a man to beat his wife. All in all, it’s a horrible place. 23
That’s why Anthony is here, to guard my mortal soul.24
I snorted at my thoughts and turned to watch the rain pelt the tinted windows. It was a relaxing motion. The glowing blue droplets illuminated the passenger side of the limo. 25
Yes, water glows. I can tap into the energy form of the elements, see them how others can’t, and if I try hard enough I can see them in their living form. 26
“Cheer up.” He smiled, interrupting my thoughts. “You’ll be safer.” 27
I shot him the finger. Why did everyone think I was some poor defenseless rich chick? 28
Ok, so I was rich. I was also strong! 29
“I’ll have more guys to help keep an eye on you.” 30
I turned to him, my eyes sparkling with mischief “Can’t handle me on your own?” I smirked. He raised an eyebrow. This still didn’t make me want to go to a school full of stuck up rich brats who-31
“You’ll fit in fine.” He cut me off. 32
I was either choking on air, or my oversized ego. Maybe both.33
“Just kidding.” 34
“I should smack you.”35
“Would be hard.” He pointed to my cuffs.36
Smart-ass jerk.37
“We are almost there.” My driver, Galde, called from the front. Joy. 38
“Hear that, Ivy?” Anthony said with a smile. Jerk.39
“Drown me,” I replied bitterly.40
Anthony opened his mouth to retort, but I never heard him.41
The temperature dropped to minus twenty degrees. The air became dark and heavy, like a quilt. The most noticeable sign was when the rain started to scream. I tried to cover my ears, but the cuffs put a stop to that.42
The limo struck something without warning and we came to a screeching halt. My seat belt kept me in my seat, thank God. Anthony swiftly pulled a knife from his sleeve, releasing me from the seatbelt. He then kicked the door open. 43
The air was cold and dead outside the limo. It hit me like a freight train. Anthony didn’t feel it. This was Galani. He was relying on my actions to judge the situation. A smog of pure darkness blocked out the moon and stars, leaving only the light from the door that hung ajar for light.44
“Ivy!”Anthony yelled. I jumped back just as a dagger struck the limo where my head had been only minutes ago.45
“What the Hell?” I was shocked and didn’t really know why. People had tried to kill me before. But I knew this wasn’t a person. They were Decugasas, pure evil. I gave them the name; not out of gratitude but because it was damn annoying calling them ‘pure evil’ all the time. 46
It made sense. They affected the flow of the car, causing the limo to crash. Instant unnatural disaster. This was one of three ways for them to enter our world. They did this purposely. Damn buggers were getting smarter!47
I turned just in time to see it. It was a tall figure standing well over six feet and was blacker than night. A Decugasa. It wasn't as scary as I expected.48
“An-” I was cut off when a thin slice from a glowing blade cut through the middle of the Decugasa.49
“Come on Ivy,” came Anthony's soft voice full of worry and concern. I took a step towards him.50
I froze. The two halves of the Decugasa started to morph and twist, forming two separate Decugasas.51
“Anthony.” I backed up. This was bad, real bad.52
We were back to back. One lunged at Anthony who dodged it, then disappeared into the dark, leaving me with Decugasa number two. I did the only thing my brain could comprehend. I ran. Fast.53
The further I ran from the limo, the thinner the darkness became. I could see the glowing orbs of raindrops dimly falling around me. 54
A shatter of red light burned behind me. I stopped and turned on a dime to check it out. The Decugasa was alight in fire. The element had come to my rescue. I stood there and watched it burn. That was until the fire burned out. 55
“A…Anth-” I was cut off when it slammed me against the tree. A screamed forced its way out of my throat, as I looked into the endless darkness of the Decugasa.56
“Little Singari.” It chuckled , which was impressive as it had no mouth. That upped the creep factor. “I bet you taste good.” 57
“Naw, too salty.” If it licked me I was going to kill it.58
“Funny,” I could feel it smelling me. Yuck. “Just like cinnamon.” Okay Anthony any time now. 59
“Just steal my soul already!” I snapped, trying to act annoyed, “I have a hair appointment in half an hour.”60
“Aren’t you scared?” It moved closer. I trembled as the temperature dropped more. Was I scared? I was freaking terrified.61
“Of a shadow? Hell no.” Just stupid.62
It hissed as it trapped my head between its hands. This was the second way they could enter our world. They can use a Singari's soul to create a human body for themselves. Oh I’ve done it, now my gravestone will read: 63
Ivy Stonerose64
1992-200965
Died of literal stupidity66
“NO!” I screamed and pushed it off getting to my feet, and running.67
My legs screamed in defiance, but pure adrenaline and the will to live pushed me on. I was not going to die here. I was doing well till something tripped me. I fell very ungracefully to the ground, the Decugasa on top of me. I thrashed and screamed as it grabbed my face once more.68
“Anthony…” I whispered my eyes filling with tears. This was it, I was going to die. 69
“Oi, face sucker!” A voice rang over the air. I couldn’t see anything past the Decugasa. “Stop picking on little girls.” Why the nerve, I was not a little girl. I was going to tell him that when the Decugasa exploded. I yelped in shock, my eyes wide.70
“You could have killed me!” I snapped and sat up. My jaw dropped when my eyes fell upon him.
Author notes
Contest- HANNAHS WIG
Contest- Link to my list with other chapters. http://storywrite.com/list/37050-Novel--Ivy--Save-My-soul
First chapter. hope you enjoyed. Was just a thought in my head and I wasn't sure I was going to continue but I did. Thank you for any coments.
How to pronounce somet things.
Decugasa- Deck-Ou-Ga-Sah
Otengra- Oh-Ten-Gra
Singari- Sin-Gar-E
Galani- Gah-Lawn-E
Galde- Gal-dee
Chapter 2 RoomMate Preview:
"You!" she sreamed and threw a small clock at me. I ducked my head and it barely missed me.
"Freaking hell!" I snapped.
Here is the link to Chapter two:http://storywrite.com/story/291252
In a list
A contest entry
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• next story in this contest, • Add to finalists list, or remove from contest - Give Me Hope by Psycho Mantis.
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Comments
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Im goignt o mkae a contest just for you to tenter this into to give you a gold trophie lol
Only joking... Or am I, you can never tell with me
Love this story as I love all of your work I have read so far
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WOW!!! so good!im bookmarking it so i can read more
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I like it so far. I wasn't sure right at the start, but now I'm pretty interested!
Overall, pretty good! It wasn't too immature, and I do want to read on, so it definitely did what it was supposed to do. Just a thought, you might want to remove it from contests that have ended - there's a HUGE list of them!
Good luck. -
This was nicely done. Very well written. Thanks so much for entering and best of luck to you in the contest!
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Very Well Written
This was a very good story. You had a lot of voice, and the description was good. Some mistakes/ stuff you could change:
Monstrous trees lending there branches, there should be their
No period in between I knew this was wrong and I didn't care. Make it a comma.
Darkening darkness is weird. How about darkening night? I assume it's at night and that the night is getting darker?
adrebaline should be adrenaline
Other than that, very good job. I liked it a lot, and I think you have a shot at the finalist list. Thank you for entering my contest!
C.I.Z
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thank you, and I noticed those, just haven't have time to go back and edit.
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Not half bad. The narration gives you a lot of main character points, although the supporting and villain characters don't match it at all.
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o.o.....tell me how I can imporve....O.o...it is also just first chapter XD
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This is brilliant. I had just enough time to read it before I got off the computer
Nice use of language and description.
Thanks for entering my contest!
Cody xx
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It was fantastic, but the storyline reminded me a TON of the book Vampire Academy. Again, I liked it, but it doesn't quite seem your own complete Idea. Don't get discouraged, if you change a few things such as the names of their positions (Guardian) and maybe the worlds (Galani) BUT these are just small suggestions, I could be totally misunderstanding it. Anyways, thanks for entering my contest.
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It has nothing to do with the Vampire Academy, there are no vampires...and the so called Gurdians in that book are called Dhamfires...not Gaurdians...and Galani is a place...not a thing x.x
Sory if I sound mad I am jhot...I just get a lil deveinsve when it comes to this...because it has nothing to do w2ith any book...this was just an I dea I drempt up...myown...it has no vampires...no nothing thatothers have used...this idea is new and the things in this book are fully mine never been used before...
Thank you for reading and I am glade you liked it.
Thanks a bunch Krissa
ps...I am not mad XD -
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I didn't say there WERE vampires, I just said it reminded me of a vampire book... a lot actually, and I didn't say Galani was a thing, I said it was a 'World'. And the only reason I thought it should be changed was because you called HER a "Singari" Having too many new words with the same ending can get confusing for younger readers. I understood it, but I just think it could be changed.
P.S.
I understand if you're defensive, I always get defensive over my writing too, it's ok. As you can see I get defensive over my comments as well, hahahah. -
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x.x....Thew words came out of my head and fir with the story...that is going on it's 13 chapter...I'm not changing them...I know theyend the same...but only Galani, Singari and Tamgerbi do...the rest dun...and this is nothing the the Vampire Academy...I have read and own them all and trust me it dosen't. I dunsteal plot lines....Itis 100% myown complete Idea...yeah they go to a school but there are mkagic scvhool vampire schools...manbyschool...hell people goto scvhool its how the learn, and My people are human, therefore they need to learn...so why dose the fact the go to school mean it's not my idea -.-' There is nothing in here, other then the fact they go to school, That relates to Vampire Academy.
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This fight could go on forever. Just nevermind ok?
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ok
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No, bad I like it. Great job.
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adrebaline?
i think you mean adrenaline. that kinda threw me off. but i kept reading, and i'm so glad i did. that was fantastic, and you better continue it because that was amazing..... super mega uber awesome. (you don't know me so that probably won't make sense, basically so epically cool there is no amount of words to describe how insanely cool, that coolness is.
You rule, and this story frikkin' rocks
p.s how many contest did you enter dude?
and totally bookmarking this
Kat
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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I so got that XD Anyways. I did continue...thgere arer 11 more chaptrs upand I am working on chapter thirteen ^^
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Really good writing!
I wouldn't use so many cuss words, though--people like me feel awkward reading something that cusses a lot. Also, the scene at the beginning is... well, awkward for me to read as well.
Your writing is very funny, only marred by the occasional bad word, which I feel guilty laughing at. However, you definitely have a talent! I was smiling throughout your whole story. I love the protagonist-with-an-attitude idea. You really pull it off. Great writing, keep it up!
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I think you have a good beginning to a story, some check listing going in discriptions it's hard to make others see what is in your brain when you put it in writing. I think you have some great names. I'm not completely sure what is going on and I was left with a big question, Why was she hand-cuffed? but then I am only reading ch 1 for the contest. at the end I'm wondering if Anthony had changed into something else or if this is someone else, perhaps the man in the dream at the beginning. Of course I'm curious and may go to ch 2 after I'm done with the contest.
Thank you for entering and Good Luck
Th.
here are a couple of things I thought you might be interested in.
#11 My eyes darted around the darkened dark, (the darkened enterior of the car- if you didn't want to use limo right off, but it doesn't hurt to give a clue as to where you character is.
#11 tree's= trees and there= their branches
#16 a school for freaks, In(in)the middle
#44 leaving only the light from the door that hung ajar for light. (take out for light, you don't need it.)
#45 where my head had been only minutes ago. (a moment ago might be better because it wasn't that long or seconds ago.)
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thank you. And I tyhink Ivy said the reason why...because she likes to runaway when she dosen;t like things. She was being dragged toa schoolshe didn't want to go too, and is very good at sneaking off.So that whyshe was hand cuffed. I will go back and maybe edit that a bit...and Yes. I know the firsat3 or 4 chapters lack detail. Itris because it was first written on paper....and I copied it word for word from the apper...and I am not so good when I write it on paper. Thank you for the review.
Karissa.
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Cool
This is pretty cool. Except for the begining, im not into those kidna novels I think it is really creative, and I think it would make a good T.V. show
beginning: 2, language: 4, plot: 4, ending: 5, dialog: 4, characters: 4.
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thats as bad as it evergets...O.o...there is no more...XD And the clothes enver come off...it's not that bad o.o...lol...glade you liked it XD I had the same thought...cept I dream about my novel...and it looks cool XD.
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Fix:My breathing quickened as tiny pin pricks of adrebaline ran through my blood. (And)My legs screamed in defiance, but pure adrenaline and the will to live pushed me on. Other than that it was a good rewrite. Buggers was bothering me. You have a beginning and middle but you need an ending for the chapter. I know you ment for it to cut off and lead on, but you need to make it so your story has a proper cut off.
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XD Wouldyou beilve me if I said the chapter picked it's own ending?
When I write,I gointo thiese places in my head where I blocki out evberything and become almost one with the book lol. and I wanted to write more for this chapter,but for some reason I had this deep deepfeeling it should be left of here. So I did...
thank you for the comment. I am glade you like it. I hope to hearmore from you.
Karissa.
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Thsi was a great first chapter. I quite enjoyed it, and it made me want to read more of it. Some parts of it could have been more discriptive, but all in all, a very good chapter. Louisethebeaver
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IK know. It gets more discriptive after the fourth chaptr...I wrote it origonally on p[apaer, and my papaer versons tend to be less discriptive...I will be going back and fixing that when I done the3 whole thing lol. Glade you like it.
Karissa.
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Committed Novel; chapter one.
Hello Faith Ann (lovely name). If you can put up with me
, I do believe I will enjoy following your novel.
While I’m still a novice (unpublished) possibly I can be of some help. Remember through it’s your ‘Baby’ and anything I offer
is simply my opinion for you to use or lose.
You have drawn some colorful characters and placed them in interesting situations. You write with a lot of energy, so the activity feels real and the reader becomes part of the action
.
You have some great dialogue that compliments what is happening, so your characters don’t require so many asides by the narrator. Although they are humorous they tend to stall the plot if there are too many.
JMHO, since this is the first chapter a slight paragraph of description about where the character or characters are would set the stage for your reader. When we discover they are in a vehicle and the first scene is an erotic dream, a description could have prepared the reader for the quick change in emotions.
What happened to the driver?
Some other things to look at:
My breathing quickened, (.) I knew this was wrong. I didn’t care. 1
“Firefly…” He breathed in my ear,(
his voice was rough and deep. 3
I looked into his deep forest, (-) green eyes.5
“More what?” He (he) teased.
“From the sound you were making I’d say that was an intense dream.” () The voice brought reality (painfully) crashing down on me,(.) painfully.12)
My cheeks burned (, ) bright crimson on pale skin blending into my fierce red hair. The light grey of my eyes fell upon the face of Anthony Ryners. He was six feet even and weighed one hundred and forty-seven pounds. (At six feet for a fellow that’s skinny).
I’m just good at running when I don’t like things like (this) being shipped off to a school for freaks. 16
Now you’re all probably thinking vampires (or) werewolves.18
Galani is a perfect imprint of our world, only darker. Galani is what you’d call hell (Hell).
I shot him the finger. Why did everyone think I was some poor defenseless rich chick. (?) 28
“I’ll have more guys to help keep an eye on you.”
(NP) I turned to him, my eyes sparkling with mischief30(close up) “Can’t handle me on your own?” I smirked. He raised an eyebrow. This still didn’t make me want to go to a school full of stuck up rich brats who-31
I was either choking on air, or my over sized (oversize) ego. Maybe both.33
Smart ass jerk.37 (Smart-ass)
“We are almost there.” My driver, Galde – (,) called from the front. (Oh) Joy. 38
“Hear that, Ivy?” Anthony smiled. Jerk.39 (Anthony said with a smile. The jerk.)
The temperature dropped too (to) minus twenty degrees. The air became dark and heavy, like a quilt. The biggest (worst or cruelest or most noticeable) sign was when the rain started to scream
The air was colder (cold) and dead outside the limo.
A smog (of) pure darkness blocked out the moon and stars, leaving only (the light from) the (door that hung ajar).ajar door for light. 44
“What the hell? (Hell)” I was shocked and didn’t really know why.
People had tried to kill me before. But I knew this wasn’t a person. They were Decugasa’s, (Decugasas) pure evil. I gave them the name; not out of gratitude but because it was damn annoying calling them ‘pure evil’ all the time. 46 (cute
)
I froze. The two halves of the Decugasa started to morph and twist, forming two separate Decugasa’s.51 (Decugasas)
“Anthony,(.)” I backed up. This was bad, real bad.52
We were both (take out both) back to back. One lunged at Anthony who dodged it, then disappeared into the dark, leaving me (with) Decugasa number two.
“A…Anth-” I was cut off when it slammed me against the tree. A screamed forced it's (its) way out of my throat. (,) as I looked into the endless darkness of the Decugasa.56
this (This) was the second way they could enter our world.
“NO!” I screamed and pushed it off getting to my feet, (either and or then) running.67
“You could have killed me!” I snapped and sat up. My jaw dropped when my eyes fell upon him.( I take it this isn’t Anthony?)
Nice hook into the next chapter.
Geri
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O.O TYTYTYTYTYTYTYTYTYTYTYTYTYTYTY
Thank you SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO MUCH. I love people editing my work because I am not so good at it myself XD. I have taken your advice and editing and edited my first chapter XD It seems like I am always editing it, which is good because thats means it is always getting better. I am glade you like it. I really don't know whats got people so hooked. I guess I just dun think It's that good myself XD
Anywho, away from the fact I have no self esteem. I amreally glade people like it. Because it means I have something that is touching people and drawing people in. Making my dream that much closer.
Can't wait for your edit on the next chapter, thanks a bunch.
Karissa.
Ps. I could never get tiered of you XD
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So I read as was promised! And this was pretty awsome!
Definately a unique story line and very intruiging.
Nice begining xD
But I do think you could use more complex sentences. We worked on that a bit in class, how not to write simple 'subject, verb' sentences. Not saying that you do that, you actually put enough description in that I can kinda see the image. But there could be even more!
Also, I thought it'd be cooler if you didn't just state their powers. So that the reader could find out later in the story after they did some things, you know?
Still great write, keep on writing! And I can't wait to read more.
Gah, there's more I meant to say...I forgot. When it comes to me, I'll be sure to send you a message. lol
Definately an awsome read
Paper.thin.paradox
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thank you
I know it is deprived of detail. That is something I will go back and fix after I complete the novel. It gets better in the fourth or fifth chapter, the ones before that were wrettin on paper and I not so good with writing on paper lol.
I was thinking about changing the powers, making it more eventful, though the Singari being able to control Elements and thew Galani part do have to stay as it is needed in this chapter. But I will go back and edit that.
Thank you for yourt review and i lo0ok forward to hearing what else you have to say.
Karissa
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i finally finished chpter one gigly x3 it rocked the decusgasa seemed like a perv O:....I LIKE HIM X
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lol I read it. I glade you liked it XD If you think they are pervs wait till you met Coby lol. Glade you like him.
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Good
I liked this, it was little confusing, but had very descriptive details.
Now, you asked for no holding back on comments... But, I'm not very harsh. But, I can however, pick up on grammar errors,
Here we go.
His rough hands swept down to my hips as he pulled me closer. My breathing quickened, I knew this was wrong. I also didn’t care.
That would be better if it said;
His rough hands swept down to my hips as he pulled me closer. My breathing quickened, I knew this was wrong. I didn’t care.
He dug his nails in to my hips, drawing blood.
I think you mean;
He dug his nails into my hips, drawing blood.
I tangled my fingers in his short, messy, black hair, pulling his lips to mine. I looked into his deep forest green eyes.
I think it would be better if it said;
I tangled my fingers in his short, messy, black hair, pulling his lips to mine. I looked into his deep, forest green eyes.
That’s all I needed.
I think you were playing with past and present tenses there, maybe it should say;
That's all I wanted.
“From the sound you were making I’d say that was an intense dream.”The voice brought reality crashing down on me, painfully.
Leave a space;
“From the sound you were making I’d say that was an intense dream.” The voice brought reality crashing down on me, painfully.
He was six feet even and weighed one hundred and forty-seven pounds.
Do you mean eleven?
All this makes him a pain in my ass and puts a stop to most of my escape plans.
It needs fixing, it doesn't flow well;
All of these things makes him a pain in my ass, and puts a stop to most of my escape plans.
It’s where evil is born, actual pure evil.
Make it simple, it will flow better, like this;
It’s where evil is born, pure evil.
I smirked. He raised an eyebrow. This still didn’t make me want to go to a school full of stuck up rich brats who...
It should say;
I smirked. He raised an eyebrow. This still didn’t make me want to go to a school full of stuck up rich brats who-
If you put in a '-'. It makes it look more like she was interrupted.
Maybe both.34
I'm sure you didn't want the number there.
The biggest sign was when the rain star ted to scream.
It says, 'star ted' I think you meant to say 'started'.
Over all, well done. It was a good story. I didn't like the ending though, it seemed to stop suddenly.
I enjoyed this.
Keep writing,
Dream ♥ -
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O.O TY
I will update as soon as I get back from vaca. This helps a lot.
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Sorry, I can't read this. It's not that it wasn't exciting - and frankly, I don't think it won any Oscar at all - but it's too much cursing, bad words, and immoral stuff. However, I did catch up on some errors. You'll need to revise and practice on the rules for the use of commas, and you have some wrongly spelled bees Anyway, my suggestion to you is revision and stay alert.
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*blinks.*
It hardly has any swear words at all. I maybe only use o ne swear word through th whol book and thats the B wrd mybe one ot twice. And immoral DX I confused. But thank you for the review. Was gettindg bugged cuz no one seemed to hate it and I thought everyone was lying. thank you for your honesty. have a great day. -
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Well, I think you and I have different opinions of "swear"words, it would seem
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You are most welcome. I like being honest when it comes to reviews.
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lol
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Intriguing and unique. I find it very original that Night Children are humans. I enjoyed reading this. I can't wait to read more of you.
~Ewig Lebensdaur -
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This story was entertaining and Ivy was a very likeable character. It was original with your ideas of Night Children, I like the idea that they are human. Too often in fantasy I think people just make up random new creatures or stay with the old ones e.g vampires and bring no originality with it. Its nice to have some fantastical abnormal humans in there! This was an engaging story, well done. Thank you for entering my contest.
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Thank you, that was what I was going for. Though techniclly the Decugasa are a new monster, but they are not at the same time, its kinda just like evil taking on a coporoal form that can think...it is bacily just a feeling or emotion or something like that, that takes on human form...or in most cases just a blackneed shadow. Like smoake...but thicker.
I am glade you liked it as well, I have nine chapters up if you wan t to contiune reading, I am working on editng but I like to fully edit after I finish the whole story so I dun get put off from it lol. Ty for the comment
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Creative! I like your sense of humor, but if there was one piece of advice to give you with this story it would be to slow down...really take the time to feel and capture the world and its events.
Thanks for entering, and good luck in the contest!
Style: 5/10
Flow: 6/10
Uniqueness: 3/5
Readability: 4/7
Effect: 5/10
Lack of Errors: 3/3
Personal Score: 2/5
Total: 28/50 -
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thank you very much.
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Nice story!! I loved reading all of the parts about the different powerd they could have, they were really cool. The whole idea of you're story was really creative too! The end of the chapter was great too because it leaves you hanging there wondering what is going to happen next and you have to read more to find out. I enjoyed reading this story! I also liked the exchange of dialouge between the two main characters, nice job and good luck!!
beginning: 4, language: 4, plot: 3, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 3.
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ty ^^
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I've read this before. Not a whole lot has been done to it since my last review. However, in light of the new contest it's in, it does fit the requirements far better. Thank you again for sharing it. Good luck.
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ty, and I'd done some editng with Spag...the rest will be done when I'm finished the whole novel.
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This is a good beginning; that first part--the dream--was a great hook. I'm not seeing overwhelming ties to my contest, though. There's a little anger, and a complete lack of wisdom
, but no wood to speak of.
I do like your writing style. SPaG and details need some polish, but I see you're going to do that after you're done with the whole story. Good idea; I did that as well. -
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ty...I am possibly stopping at posting six chapters up...because I am looking into getting it published.
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A guy comes to the rescue! You explained everything well. When the ducugasa set on fire or exploded it brought pictures to my mind. I enjoyed the fact that she gets saved by a random male character than might soon be the love of her life.
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I liked the details you added to make the story seem really realistic.
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Thank you, but I still have to go back and work on the detailing, it just isn't perfect yet. I seem to be having trouble in that department lately.
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Great ending!!
I love the names and the dialoge between Anthony and her. -
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ty. I have 5 more chapters up if you'd like to contiune
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I've read this before.
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Again, as I commented before, a very interesting concept. I liked your cliffhanger, I thought it was hooking and well done. I would I suppose for the sake of going knowing - read more. I would want to do it for the sake of the plot. My criticism is the same, the piece needs more depth to it in writing and detail. Just polish it up! Good job!
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Yes...I will do the whole detail and stuff after i finish the whp,e book...I'm working on the detail in further chapters as I go along...buyt if I go back and re do chapters befpore I finish the whole thing...I will end up getting bord and not finish it >.<
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very interesting. good luck!!
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Hiyas: I found this very enticing and really want to see where its going.
Just a few things: "ear, voice was rough and deep." Should this be, "his voice was," or "voice; rough and deep?"
This bit switches tenses through the sentence "His voice was full of triumph. He had won. I was and always will be his. Always his…" Should that "Will" be would?? I might be wrong on this bit, i'm not to great at tenses myself lol, so ignore this if I'm wrong he he
"his hearing, mouth and eyesight" mouth?? do you mean speech, or am i missing something??
"star ted to scream." Is there a space tehre or is it just my computer being weird???
"thank God. Anthony swiftly pulled knife from his." should this be a knife?
"when It was slammed" halfway through a sentence you don;t need the capital I if its not on it's own or in an abbreviated word i.e: I'm.
Other then that it was awesome, I cant wait to read the next chapter. Very gripping, I wanna know who this guy is lol.
xoxoxoxxx
beginning: 4, language: 3, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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ty and thank for pojnting those out I will fix them...ty ^^
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A very interesting concept
I have no idea where it is going, but it is really unusual and I'm curious to learn more.
You do have several errors, so it could use a bit of editing and the start of a really thrilling tale.
Trish
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if you see errors point them out to me so I can fix them.
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Good job!
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thank you
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I started reading this because it was entered in the Canada Day contest. I have to admit that I stopped reading for the contest because it has absolutely nothing to do with the contest. I did continue reading though, without the contest in mind.
It's a good story, lots of elements required to grab the reader, pull them in and keep them reading. There area a few typos and errors, which have already been pointed out by others, and which should be changed since you have this in a lot of contests, and you want it to be the best it can be.
It is a great first chapter, and one designed to make people want to read to see what happens.
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sorry XD I tend to enter it in contests thinking I have met the criteria and then find out I'm missing something. But i'm glade you liked it. And Yes...I have been meaning to edit the chapter. I have been very busy though. I am working 6 days this week with no break in between. I will try and edit it today. again, thank you for the comment
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This was smokin' hot!
Your opening immediately grabbed me and held me to the very end
Excellent work! Woo hoo! It's one of the best sexual tension scenes I've read in a VERY long time!
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Hmmmmm... tentative thumbs up
Hi, it's me from Storywrite Novelists Unite. So I said I'd read your story, and here I am. I'm going to go on about some little grammatical errors first, but I'm not going to pick out all of them because that's a bit patronising. I'm sure you'll be able to pick up on most if you re-read carefully. Oh yes, and where I've put in a bit of the story, more than a phrase, check everything carefully as I will have changed a few other things in there as well, so watch out for those.
Para 4
"into" --> "in to"
Para 5
should have some commas when describing the hair
"deep-of-forest" --> could be "deep forest"
Para 6
"He" --> "he" (I think)
"I shook pressing" --> "I shook, pressing" OR "I shook as he pressed"
Para 7
You used "need" and "needed" close to each other. Change one of them, perhaps to "wanted"
Para 8
"pull" and "pulled" close together - change one to "yank" perhaps
I don't think "enabling" is the right word here, "disabling" is what I think you're after
Para 13
lots of "my". Change some of them, perhaps to
"My cheeks burned bright crimson on pale skin, blending into my fierce red hair. The light grey of my eyes fell upon the face of Anthony Ryners. He was six feet even and weighed one hundred and forty-seven pounds. He had medium curly brown hair and eyes."
Also, how does someone have medium curly brown eyes. I know you're trying to say his eyes are brown, but it doesn't work here. How about "hazel eyes"?
Para 24
You need to sort out the list here. How about:
"On one night of the year: April 29th, a portal created by natural and unnatural disasters, or they can use a Singari’s soul to make a mortal body for themselves."
Para 44
You don't need to use the word "well" in the first sentence. -20 is well below zero already, we don't need to be told this.
Para 46
Would sound better with "although" before "Anthony".
Para 48
Question mark after "what the hell".
Para 49
What's with the exclamation marks!? Too many! Sounds a bit immature! See where I'm going... you have to know when to use them and when not to. They are useful when used correctly, but not so commonly. You can use them frequently in speech, of course, but not in normal writing. Just doesn't sound good. Almost like the author is yelling at the reader.
Para 50
Don't know what's going on with "=2 0" stuck in there, assuming a typo?
Bad use of "wow". Again, sounds immature. You may be going for the sort off narrative that feels as though the person is talking to the reader, but that's not the way to go about it.
Para 54
More of these!!!!!!!!!!
Para 57
"a light" --> "alight"
Not a good use of "well,". Either comes across as a rambling grandparent or a babbling child. I'm not trying to be harsh here, by the way, just telling you how I see/read it.
Para 58
Repeated "I" a lot. Get rid of some.
Para 60
Even more!!!!!!!!!!
Okay, so my overall thoughts were:
Good story
Good ideas
Good characters
BUT
Needs serious revision
Could be better explained
Slow down!
Basically, you've introduced too many new idea, names and concepts in under 1500 words. It's hard for the reader to grasp each thing. I had to keep checking back to see what certain things were.
You might want to try to let the reader get to know the characters a bit more before launching into the action. Either that or begin straight away with the action. Bit of a strange start...I was wondering why it hadn't been tagged as 'Erotica' for a while.
The paragraphs are way too short, as are some of your sentences. There is little variation in length - no long, complex ones. Simple writing.
There is also a lot of telling in this which gets on my nerves. Perhaps it would be better to let the ideas in the story be told by the story, rather than by you. This may sound weird, but the cramming of these ideas seems like a brainstorm gone wrong. Let the discovery of this world that you have created be slow and steady. This way it seems more real as we, the reader, aren't thrust into a completely new situation.
I had trouble placing this, time, world, etc. Until I read "seatbelt" I was confused. So this could be done by a personal introduction by your main character. A sort of 'welcome to my life thing'. This may enable you to get some of those brilliant ideas in and warn the reader of what's coming next. Just an idea.
A lot of the ideas weren't broken down by any real action. By action I don't mean running, fighting or anything. I just mean things that happen, speech, thought, etc.
Two little things that popped up in Para 45:
How do you open cuffs with a knife?
How do you kick open a car door? Most have handles.
So, basically, it's a good basis for a longer story. But the narrative needs to be seriously cleaned up and this part at least to be drastically changed. This isn't a bad thing, nothing is perfect at first. I hope I've been helpful and not putting you down too much. Don't let this dispirit you. This piece could become something. I really liked the ideas, but the main thing is to slow down the narrative. If this is the first draft, then that's okay, but let it be in the back of your mind to go through and add a lot of stuff in. Right now, this is the skeleton, but I've yet to see the flesh. Get what I mean?
Sorry if there's loads of bad spelling, but I'm in England and here it is almost midnight. Am yawning and cannot find the energy to go through everything that I've just written as I've suddenly realised how bloody long it is. Keep writing, and I'll check out the next bits soon. Maybe now. I need stimulants.
Check out the thread on Storywrite Novelists Unite if you want to Chapter swap with me. I've put a link to my prologue, so please read and comment on that. Likewise constructive criticism would be appreciated.
Hope I've helped!
xxx
~Horanzu
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THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!
This is exsactlky what I needed lol...and yes...this is...ok...it's the second draft.,..you should have seen my written one...it was bad...and this was editied twice XD Thank you thoygh...This helped me a lot...and the beginning wasn;t that sexual...<.< lol....and....You'll undersatnd why She exspalines this in a bit....I know...first part gets confusing...I seem to always doo that...but as people read on they go O.O...OH OH OH I GET IT....XD I hope that isn;t a bad thing >.< it's just my writting style...to keep people guessing untill they very end and they go...omg I get that...why didn;t I before kinda thing XD I hope i'm not babling and if that sounds comp;letly rediculus then let meh know o.o...anyways...I'll read the prolouge right away...ty ^^ -
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I understand what you mean by keeping the reader guessing. That's a good style to develop and when done well is brilliant. I just think it is something that you need to develop. It wasn't just: I don't quite get it but I'll read on anyway because it'll make sense in a moment. It was more like: okay, what the hell is going on? Too much information is thrust at the reader all at once. I don't mean this in a bad way because the stuff you give us is excellent, truly. I love the ideas and they could well be extended into something great.
I guess what I'm trying to say is this: refine your ideas. I know that when I get a good idea for a piece of writing I tend to rush headlong into it, as it appears you've done. This may not be the case, but it is how it comes across at the moment.
A good idea is to collect all those amazing ideas by writing them down or putting them onto post-it notes and sticking them up everywhere around your house, bedroom, etc. This should help you extend them and refine them at the same time if that doesn't sound weird. It would also allow you to make connections between the good ones and cut out the not-so-good ones that may be floating around. This would really boost the appeal of the story, as well as bring more mature, coordinated ideas to the reader's attention.
Another good approach it to go to bed thinking about some of the things that don't quite add up, if there are any, or the things that you're not too sure about. Generally for me I come up with some very cool stuff just before I fall asleep, so make sure you have a pen and paper next to you. Also, some professional authors say that their subconscious mind works away at the problems while they're asleep, so when they wake up many things are clearer in their head and some complex problems have been solved.
Just a few ideas that may organise what is potentially a very good novel. I am still very much in awe of the way you make up such fantastic ideas. Truly excellent. But you must must must present them better in a way that is coherent enough for the reader to understand, but still mysterious enough to keep them guessing. This, I think, will only come with practise and over a long period of time, but keep working at it.
Reviewing other people's work is very helpful as it can help you see flaws in your own work. It also gives you some damn good ideas!
So keep writing, I shall read more shortly, but right now it's a really nice day outisde. I'll print out the next few chapters and laze in the sun reading them. Keep writing, and please take on board some of this advice. I really think it will help. You may not agree with it all, though, which is fine. It is your story, after all, though I wish it were mine!
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I took out some of the information and spread it in some places and fully took it out realizing it would fit better in another chapter. I hope this is better...and as for the paragraphs...they way it'll be when It is published...it's going to be in a smaller book...so the paragraphs are actually bigger, and plus story rite mucks it all up lol.
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Well Done
I liked the way you did this. You started off with a very intense dream, which made the reader wonder who the guy was when it ended abruptly. The next parts were good as the humor was nicely done. I'm usually not into teen stories about schools for the gifted but this got me interested. And then when you pumped it into overdrive with the intense action I was like "Wow". The scene by the limo, where they were surrounded by darkness reminded me of this scene from one of my favorite animated movies, called Wicked City. It was very good and you left it at a point of good suspense. You made me want to read more. So good job.
You're ideas were also very original and unique which is something I was looking for with this contest. As much as I love vampires and werewolves they get old at times.
Now, as others have pointed out, there are some places that need to be edited as far as spelling go, but that's minor and can be fixed very easily.
This has a lot of potential. keep it up!
Thanks for entering my contest!
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tyv for your comment.
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I love the idea! keep writing! It seems like an awesome story! You need to proofread...but other than that..it's awesome!
-Angel
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Hey. For an idea in your head, this was pretty good. I love the originality surrounding it. Thanks for entering! I hope to see more of this.
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I have two more chapters up ^^
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Sorry I'm DQing all entries so I can delete my contest. It wasn't quite right contest wise.
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Ok let's see... Here goes: funny, suspenceful, unique, original, crafty, descriptive and neat. I like the storyline and protagonist. The Desugasa were interesting, as well as Anthony.
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ty ^^
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Wow, I think this is really original. I love the concept and the whole idea, this could really turn into a good series and trust me - I would read it too! I liked your protagonist, she has wonderful characterization. I love the snappy cattiness of her narrative. Great!
Like the idea of the Singari, Guardians, Night Children etc. Don't like the part of how they can use Halloween time - too cliche! Your story is very original, keep it that way!
I think the only problem in this story is the writing itself. There's too little description. You should elaborate more, both on the plot and on the scene. Punctuation check is needed!
Other than that, I think you have a great concept and it could be a very enjoyable series! Try focusin on the writing, though! Great job and good luck!
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XD and I'm a detail leech/..I love detail....XD I guess i have problems sometimes...where I just can;t seem to get it detailed enough...and firsts drafts are here for critiquing thank you ^^ ya..I know the whole Halloween ish so l;ame ....but I couldn't think of anything else...I was gonna do Christmas but then I might make people angry >.< so I was like...I'll put Halloween now and see what happens when I write more...if a certin date pops out at me...
I'm glade you thinks it's original and I deffenitly need an editor...lol...thank you so much for this lovely comment ^^
I also have two more chapters up if you'd like to read them ^^ ty so much again.
Black Hole-
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yeah i like this one way better than the academy
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thought you would ^^
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i liked it.
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I loved this. The humor was a nice touch.
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i loved it! especially the beginning.... lol. i love the action! and the humor is a cool touch.
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ty so much lol
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Cool...
The Decugasa scared me--Literally. I loved the way you explained their appearence. That was my favorite part, though this reads as a chapter, not a complete story, which I was looking for. Still, entertaining read.
Good luck!
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ty ^^
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Him...I'm guessing it's not Anthony, is it? Ivy is having such a bad day, isn't she? Sent to a school she doesn't want to be at, getting attacked, strange dreams...quite the adventure Great job!
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ty so much I'm glade you liked it.
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Yay, this is going to be the first time I award an applaud. ^^ Here it goes. ^^
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O.O....TY XD
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... You said freak a lot....
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<
yes...she says freaking XD She says that instead of the f word.
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