Fuck It All (Revolutions)

I still have really bad days, where I think I can't take it anymore. A lot of life is just deciding which battles to win, and which battles to lose. Unfortunately I choose a lot of battles that are beyond my strength and they tend to break me. But I'm learning. I understand now what my limits are and what I can take. I don't feel like dieing anymore. I don't think about it everyday, I'm not consumed by it. There is still a lot of pain in my life. Especially right now. But I'm managing and life is all about not how we fall down but how we get back up. I may be crawling but I'm still getting back up. It's just a slow process. I still cry a lot I'm a girl after all. Sad excuse I know, but still there is truth in it. I wear my emotions on my sleeve and carry them everywhere with me. Some days are just worse than others. I have great days, where I know I'm loved and I feel like I could carry the world. And then there are days like today. When I'm shown that just a few simple things can make me crumble. I can say I have grown up a lot. I used to think I was all grown up just because of how much I had suffered. But suffering doesn't show anything but scars. It's how I climbed out of that hole that made me grow up. I still feel like a little lost girl sometimes, I don't know what to do or what to say. At this moment I don't know how to be a strong person for someone else. I don't know how to carry someone who is broken. That doesn't mean I don't try, but it is beyond me. I had the greatest love of my life recently. I truly believe I will always love him. I found out more about who I was and who I wanted to be. but like the battles I choose, it might not have been the best one for me. A lot of things have occurred, bumps in the road and the cement ripped right off the sidewalk of my playground. But I still love him more than anything in this world. I still talk to him and try to be there for him. He's going through a lot right now and I finally can understand that the world doesn't revolve around me. I love him enough that I want him to be the happiest person in this world because I think he deserves it. Even if that is without me. Still have times where I would like to disappear and hide in a dark enough cave that I couldn't find my way out. Just so I could let go of things sometimes. Letting go is the biggest trial in my life. To love someone enough to say that they are better without me is proof, I believe, that my perspective on life has changed. It doesn't mean it doesn't hurt but I can get through it, of that I'm sure. I understand that no matter what stage my life is in there is someone somewhere that would miss me if I were gone. I mean a lot to a few people, and they mean a lot to me. In fact the most important people in my life are sleeping two rooms away from me. Life has changed, and will in time for all people. One day you will realize that you aren't alone in this world. That this world is bigger than you, than your problems, and your pain. Life hurts. But I wouldn't trade it for anything.