I woke up from my deep slumber. I had that dream again about me, playing with the Rugrats. Sunshine entered through the windows, the smell of coffee filled the air. Another typical morning. I1
saw Mom in front of the door. She was shocked as I looked at her. Her black hair was all blown up.2
"Have you got any idea what time it is?" said Mom with a face of disappointment. "You realize that you're late for school?" Upon hearing that, I went up, took a bath, brushed my teeth, got dressed, grabbed some microwavable burrito and ran out the door as quickly as possible.3
I looked at my wrist watch to see that it was already ten. I've been late for 2 hours already. I saw my Dad's car as it went out the driveway. He looked at me and just pulled away. I thought he's gonna offer me a ride, but he didn't. I was so annoyed by what he did. Can't he offer a ride to his son who is late for school? Why on earth did he not wake me up? Is it all about the TV hogging last night? "Great, another bad morning." I said to myself. 4
I went back inside to ask my Mom to drive me. But I thought that she is probably tired since she just came this morning from her business trip. I just ran as fast as I can to school, thinking how I'm annoyed by what happened.5
As I entered the doors of Ophelia Gregory Academy, I saw everyone staring at me. I just smiled and ran my thick black hair through my fingers. I ran through the hallways to make it through my third period, Arts. And as I was sneaking in, Mr. Monte caught me in the eye.6
"And why are you late, Luke Rivera?" he asked with his loud voice.7
"Sheesh, Sorry." I said as I sat in my chair. He looked at me with glaring eyes. Although I was afraid on the inside, I didn't let it show in the outside.8
"Why are you late?" He asked with a much louder voice, with his nostrils huge as ever and big eyes that are about ready to pop out.9
"I overslept, OK?" I replied with my arms crossed.10
"Ah, you over slept; the second most popular excuse for being late, next to my alarm clock broke."11
"Your eyes and nostrils are totally distracting me." I said to myself, only to realize everyone in class heard what I just said. Some laughed while others gasped. I saw Mr. Monte shocked.12
He walked in to my desk and gave me a slip of paper. "Detention." he uttered. I just sat quietly in my seat and doodled in my notebook. I felt Mr. Monte staring at me while he discussed. I feel like he was some kind of villain using his laser eyes to melt me. I tried to look normal, fortunately, I did.13
When Mr. Monte's class was over, "Detention!" he mouthed. I just looked at him with one eyebrow up.14
I looked for my three best friends, Anna Marquez, the smart and unusually pretty one; Richard Turner, the rich one; and Dana Swift, the cheerleader. Sure, four different people as best friends. I guess opposites do attract.15
"What was that all about?" Richard asked.16
"Nothing." I said.17
"That nostril thing is so funny," Dana said. "I can't believe you just said that!"18
"Me either! I was actually talking to myself!"19
"Really?" Anna asked while she tied her boots.20
"Yeah. I guess I'll get another C for Arts this grading period." I said.21
I have to admit, Mr. Monte and I don't really get along well. I remember this one time when I started this paint fight, he looked like a living rainbow. He gave me detention for 3 weeks. I know! He's harsh! Well, enough about memories. I guess I'll have detention later.22
Classes started, classes ended. Finally!My best friend and I hanged out in front of our lockers. I showed them my new Ipod.23
"Luke, you do know that those stuff aren't allowed here." Anna said as she combed her blond hair.24
"Anna, haven't you heard of the saying: rules are meant to be broken? Besides, lots of students do this stuff. Like when Richard hid his cellphone on his locker?" I said to her as I pulled the earphones off my ears.25
"I thought it goes promises are meant to be broken?" Richard asked.26
"Well, technically, we made a promise not to bring these things to school. And I broke my promise." I said with a grin.27
"Whatever," Dana said as she grabbed some books. "You better hide that, Principal Stewart is coming."28
As I was shoving it to my locker, Principal Stewart was coming towards us. I just acted normal and hid my Ipod in my pocket. I saw her looking at me, with glaring eyes. I felt a bead of sweat in my back. She can't confiscate my Ipod. It's only 3 days old with me.
Author notes
Please comment! It will absolutely help me in writing the next chapters.
In a list
What will happen to Luke after the whole iPod incident?
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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Sorry if my critique seems scattered but that is because I critique as I read lol.
The beginning is a little bit rushed. Perhaps try and describe more of how Luke is feeling and his surroundings. It seems as though one second he's at home and then he's at school.
"I can feel Mr. Monte staring at me while he was discussing" -- Here you suddenly switch into present tense while the rest is past. Make sure you stay in one tense the whole way through.
As far as characterization goes, try and make sure your character's aren't too stereotypical. If characters fit too well into a certain mold people are less willing to read something that they feel they've already read.
"I remember this one time when I started this paint fight, he looked like a living rainbow. Well, enough about memories. " -- Like in the beginning it would probably be more beneficial to go further into description about the actual memory and perhaps show it's importance. Right now it seems like you stuck that in simply for the extra words. Remember that a writer doesn't write anything just for kicks; it should all have some meaning towards the final purpose of the story or to give more information about the character.
"Me and my best friends hang out in front of our lockers. I showed them my new iPod" Once again you switched into two different tenses. Also it should be 'my best friend's and I'. *Grammar Nazi* lol.
On that note also be aware that at the end of quotation marks there should be a comma if it is followed by "she said" or "he muttered" etc.
Keep working on it though! You have a clear plot and conflict arising and I'm interested to see where the story is going. G
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Still interesting. I think there were some grammar issues, I am not very good at it myself but it suck out to me.
In paragraph 24 you wrote " Like when Richard hid his cellphone on his locker? "- I think you meant to put in his locker.
In paragraph 21 you wrote "I have to admit, Mr. Monte doesn't really get along with each other. "- I am not completely sure what you meant to say.
I also noticed that at the end of your quotes you ended them with periods instead of using commas or ; this would be a smoother transitions than having a period then stopping and creating many incomplete sentences.
I hope that didn't seem mean or anything just trying to help. I am plenty of mistakes in my stories even change tenses a lot.
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I really appreciate these kind of comments. I'll edit it ASAP
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Wow
i REALLY like this story,it has the potential to keep going,are you writing more??.I look foward to reading more lol.Anyway really great
beginning: 4, language: 4, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 4.
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Thanks!
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Hmm...I like it. Maybe go into some details about the people. You introduced like five characters in a short amount of time. Luke should crack another joke aloud, not meaning to, and the principal should call his mother. Then go from there...maybe...your choice.
Great story other than that!
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Thanks!
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