Emmeline Part II

"And the little girl was lost within herself".  1

As in the last part of the story, where I had talked about the early part of my childhood, I will now go further.  2

I had now entered middle school, where I was hoping to assimilate into the 'in-crowd'.  They always seemed so happy, and I thought everyone liked them, because that is what I saw on television and read in books.  I observed that these girls dressed pretty and wore make-up.  I didn't really think there was that much too it, but I had failed to notice how perfect their hair was, and how slim they were.  I was in my awkward years, and I had gained some weight, which made me look pudgy.  There also was the coming of pimples and how glasses really aren't a popular thing to have.  3

And you may ask, 'Why would you ever want to be in there crowd?"  Well, I was unhappy and lonely, and these people seemed appealing at the time.  So, I bought some cheap make-up from Walgreens, and applied it on my way to school.  Why I thought burgundy lipstick and purple eyeshadow would get me in, I still do not know to this day.  4

I paraded up to the popular girls' table, because I thought I was just like them.  I started talking to them, and they thought my make-up looked nice, but...  I still couldn't imitate their way of talking.  When I tried to talk to them about the book I just read, "Wuthering Heights", they went, "I thought that was a movie".  They eventually bored me until I felt the need to go to the bathroom.  When I went in, I noticed that the lipstick was smeared, and my eyeshadow had been applied in a jagged, messy manner.  They had been just patronizing me!  5

I later heard them giggling on how terrible I looked and how I was such a "brain".  I was very dismal, but I decided that I wouldn't want to be around them any more.  6

As in the last story, it was said that I was an intelligent girl, with high academic success, but then my enviroment changed.  My mother had been finding the need to insult me all the time.  I was fat, ugly, slutty, stupid and more.  I was my father's child, which is why I needed to be punished.  She began leaving me home, all alone to raise my younger sister, while I knew she was sleeping around and drinking.  It was at that time I began to despise her.  7

I decided that my revenge on her would be to fail school.  Make her look like a bad parent.  I didn't think at the time how it would affect me in the later years.  8

So, I had started the year with straight A's...  well, by the end, they were all D's and F's.  I knew the material, but I refused to do the work.  9

My mother was shocked.  All these years of perfect behavior, where had it all gone?  The perfect girlscout.  The perfect student.  The perfect child.  It all led to one solution.  I had a 'mental problem' and I needed 'therapy'.  10

I was sent to several counselors over those three years, all which told me, I needed to forget what my brother did, I needed to forgive my mother, I needed to move on.  But I didn't want to move on, I wanted to make my mother realize that she had done something wrong, that my brother did, though she still denied its happening.  11

They said I had 'pented up anger'...  that it was making me sick, but I didn't care.  I hated everything.  I became more reclusive then before.  I read books, played on the computer, ate junk food, and slept.  That was all I would do.  12

There was something I always looked forward to.  Going to my father's.  It was nice to get away from everything else, even though it was limited, but my father was upset with my behavior.  He knew that I was smarter than to fail all the classes and not to socialize.  He knew something was wrong.  13

At that time, my father had never been informed of what had happened.  My mother kept it a secret, and wouldn't allow it, but I finally confessed it to him.  He tried to help me get my brother in jail, but FIA kept on interrupting, frustrating the process.  We finally gave up, and decided to wait to convict him when I was 18, so FIA couldn't try to involve themselves anymore.  14

They did try to help me do better in school, but I was still despodent.  I started passing some of my classes again, when I got to doing the work, but I didn't have any motivation.  15

At that point, I didn't really have any friends, I felt ugly, stupid, and hopeless.  I tried liking some boys, thinking that a boyfriend would make me happier, but all of them rejected me, because now, they thought I was too dumb.  16

But at the end of that eighth grade year, there was much confusion.  He mother had abandoned her boyfriend of five years for this new man called 'Joe'.  In the first meeting him, her mother said they were going to move in with this man by the end of the month.  I did not want to move in with this man who I knew so little about, who could be just like my brother, a drunkard, or an abuser.  17

This man thought I had a mental illness.  He didn't like or understand children, and thought it would be best that my mother lock me into a mental institution before she moved in with him.  I raged, and screamed, not only would I not move in with this man, I would not be declared insane!  18

I was now more insolent than ever.  Whenever my mother tried to drag me to this man's house, I would stay with my grandmother's, but that ploy ended when I couldn't stay there anymore because of my grandmother's heart surgery.  So, when she tried to drag me to his house at one point, I threw such a fit, she said, "Fine, I'm dropping you off at your father's.  Never step foot in this house again".  And she threw some clothing into a bag, and shoved me into the car.  19

We off driving, when I noticed that we were not heading to my father's house, but Joe's!  Why are we heading this way I screamed, and my mother claimed that she tried to call, but no one answered, and I knew this not to be true.  When she arrived at the house, I refused to step in.  I spent that entire weekend not eating or drinking, and squating in the lawn in order not to go into that house.  At the end of the weekend, my mother had given up.  She told me, "I am moving down to Florida with this man.  I'm not taking you with because I don't want a troublesome creature to make me miserable.  You can either be a nursemaid to your grandmother or you can live with your dad".  20

Me, become a nursemaid at 14?  I loved my grandmother, but I couldn't take that responsibility.  I chose my father's, while my mother abducted my younger sister with her 'fiance'.  And I'm glad I did.21