The sky boiled like a huge kettle of gray and black. The air crackled with electricity. The roads shivered with imprisoned energy. I saw myself as the passenger of an automobile traveling at a high rate of speed. The clouds broke and I felt the sun on my face. My aching stomach screamed at me. The tears that streamed down my face felt cold in the wind, but I was not in any pain. I looked around at the landmarks and I wondered where I was, because I couldn't identify them. It seemed to me that the driver, whom I never did recognize, brought us completely and apparently nowhere.1
The signs, after some time passed, finally told me of familiar places. As we rounded a corner, my bearings shifted into high gear. The buildings and shops seemed so familiar yet, at the same time, somehow distorted and very vague. The large crash that brought my head around was the one I happened to be in. Everything blurred, then blasted into focus as my face hit the windshield. I saw a dozen cardinals, as red as the blood spilling out of the wound in my head, fly away through the dust. I saw an entire family, in blue Hawaiian print shirts drinking from soda bottles, turn to look at the crash. I saw a pure white lightning flash reflect off the silver-gray hood. It took my breath away.2
My body, thrown from the vehicle, had the illusion of flight; however, it lasted only a moment. Someone screamed. A baby cried. There was a loud crack. I hit the ground and heard someone say something that will remain in my memory forever.3
“He’s gone. There’s nothing you can do.”4
I heard sirens coming closer and I knew that my time had ended. The roller coaster had shut down for the day, but I was not ready to get off. My mind seemed to agree, since I still heard the sirens and the noise of the people in the crowd. I watched the paramedics remove their equipment. I heard them say that it was too late for me.5
No one helped me. No one asked me if I needed any help. No one even looked at me, except for a small girl in a pretty green dress.6
She held onto my hand as I died.7
What did you think? Please comment!
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
-
Very vivid imagery. Thanks for taking us along on this roller coaster of a ride.
-
Wow! I can see why Adrie loves your writing! Amazingly crisp and of pristine clarity for the reader. As PB said, the reader takes on the role of the dying one easily! Magical. I also agree with Adrie, this simply screams for continuity, for the 'what happened before that moment' style of movie. I know that if you made this into a book, I'd read it!
When my father died, for about three months, he guided me within a series of nightmares, I mean, a real movie with episodes. None was redundant, all had me in the role of protecting him, he seemed helpless even though in fact he was taking me where I needed to be. After the three months, the dreams stopped. I had the answers I needed and all because Dad stayed around for the first three months after his death.
Dreams like these have meaning. Yours might be one that will come to pass in the future but not necessarily you as the victim. I watch a show that airs on a French channel, translating as 'It really is true', and this man had had a dream of himself drowing. It was a recurrant dream he'd had since a child and it happened in his thirties or forties. Because he was on a road that was washed away, he recognized some of the landscape and sure enough, at the end, he saw a car submerged in water, an old woman trapped inside, for the pressure of the water made it impossible to open the doors. A man was already there, and cried for help. The man who had the dreams, immediately stripped to his boxers, jumped in and after futile attemps, he got back out, ran to a house nearby and found some tools to brake the windows and asked the woman of the house to call for help. He returned to the car and they broke the rear window as the woman was drowning.
They succeeded in saving her life. Years later, he is still very near the woman and visits often.
See what I mean? His nightmares made him recognize the situation and its urgency and he saved a life and the nightmares never came back.
Dreams can be powerful when interpreted correctly. Only you can do that though. I hope that it is not a death in the future you saw but what you need to remember one day, to save that young person's life.
Wonderful writing, and wish I could write my serial as effectively realistic as you wrote this.
Chatty -
I own a pretty green dress, it's like emeralds and sea foam, and when I spin around it makes a circle around me and I fall over into the grass and laugh, because I love that green dress. And I also have a blue butterfly necklace that matches. I've only worn it once, because it's a sacred dress that holds too many memories. Too many to remember.
Um, yeah. Moving on...
That was...intense. In both the way you described it and the spiritual ordeal I went through reading it. It made me almost ghostly, hovering over my own death (even though in most ways it was yours because you wrote it and I only read it) and paying attention to detail. Like Yem said, the detail strikes hard in the heart area. And maybe I'm crazy, but it ends, almost like it wasn't supposed to end. Like there was some other form of something that was supposed to happen to make it a happy story, but it never came. Like waiting for the pizza delivery guy only to realize he didn't remember your order. Also, at some parts, it felt like the dying person was going through an extreme form of ecstacy, taking in everything around them until they burst wide open at the seams.
Did I tell you I crave stories with sad endings, yet when they come I always wish I had read the happy ending books??
Yup, I'm bizzare like that.
So, I give you props. I felt like IIIII was dying when I read that. Just...AAAAAAAAAAARGHHHHH!!! TAKE YOUR APPLAUSE!!!! -
Papillon1 has a story similar to this. I mean not that similar, just the dying person observing. What I like best is the attention to detail. The entire piece has a dream-like feel, which while having the emotion of reality, remains a plain above and untouchable by our perceptions.
It's a dizzying pace which again leads to that sense of dream fiction....but not a dream I want any part of!
Edited on Jul 15, 9:09 p.m. because ''. -
Chilling. Jarring. Full of metaphors and vivid imagery. I may be macabre, but I LOVE THIS PIECE! I could see it as the beginning of a very great movie. Can't you? I read it twice. BRAVO BRO!
-
i liked it alot.....yes, it was very depressing....i probably would have liked it more if it was longer, and maybe went into more detail....i liked the dialogue and stuff...i think it is good good job..................................................................... .. -beth
-
wow, thats really good. lots of detail and dialoge. very depressing though.i dont think i'll be going on any roller coasters anytime soon, lol. but anyway i can tell that this took some, actually, alot of effort to write. good job.
~lenalee~
Adding your comment:
1 - 7 of 7
