Old Betty Henderson: Fishing Frenzy

1

Old Betty Henderson did not have the strongest connection with her grandson, Peter. After accidentally blowing up his girlfriend's house, poor Betty rarely talked to the devastated lover. Unable to live without the love of her only grandson, Mrs. Henderson decided to sneak and visit Peter at his girlfriend's new apartment. When she arrived at their home, Peter quickly became enraged. 2

Of course Peter loved his grandmother, it was just that she always ruined everything that she got her hands on. Although Betty did not mean to do any of her horribly clumsy actions, Peter thought that the odds were just too great. This was why he avoided her at all means possible.3

As Old Henderson walked up the flight of stairs to the newly rented home, Peter quickly darted out of his bedroom and came to meet her in the hallway.4

"Hey!" shouted Betty. She was shocked to see Peter meet her on the stairs. She always had a strange feeling that he disliked her... She quickly assumed that he was surprised and unprepared, because he was in messy clothes and had lots of papers sticking out of his pants pockets. He also had a pencil resting behind his ear.5

"What are you doing here?" asked a startled (and petrified) Peter.6

Mrs. Henderson immediately got the hint that she was not wanted. Poor Betty did not understand why he disliked her so much. All the innocent old lady did was blow up a house! It wasn't that big of a deal. She just wanted another chance. "Fine," she said. "Damn it... I can see that you're still mad at me. Shit. I guess I'll leave... It's just that I was in the neighborhood..."7

"You live on the other side of town," interrupted Peter. "Look... it's not that I'm mad at you... uhh... It's just that we've never gotten along. We're both just so... so... different. Yeah... different! You do your things and I do mine."8

As Betty put her head down in shame for being such a different, boring loser, she let Peter continue ostracizing her. As her range of view lowered to the second half of his body, she noticed the papers sticking out of his pockets. As she squinted her eyes to see what they said, she noticed that they were actually pages from a magazine. Although she was unable to make-out which magazine it was, she saw a lot of fish-related items for sale. Peter had obviously taken up an interest in fishing.9

Betty quickly forgot all about being different and boring, because she instantly formulated a genius plan. Since Peter thought that she was different from him, Mrs. Henderson was going to have to take up new hobbies. She thought that if she learned how to fish, they could go fishing together and be a family again.10

After Peter finished his speech, Betty quickly told him that she had to go. She dashed down the flight of stairs with a gleaming grin on her face.11

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~12

Mrs. Henderson arrived at Lake Luck just as the sun was coming up. The colorful birds were rising above the water and the wonderful smell of pine filled the air. Betty was really enjoying the view, and everything was going incredibly well. In fact, the strange perfectness of the beginning of her journey kind of puzzled her. Usually something went wrong by now.13

For the first time in her life, the old woman was full of thrill because she thought that she was going to actually enjoy herself for once. Sadly, not owning much fishing equipment became a small problem for her.14

As she strolled along the edge of the lake, looking for someone that could help her, she stumbled upon "Fred's Bait Shop." Mrs. Henderson quickly walked inside  and was surprised to see all of the bugs in the building. Although the bugs were sealed in containers, Betty feared being eaten alive, and immediately ran towards the check-out counter.15

"Welcome to my bait shop," said an apparent Fred. The heavy set man stood behind the counter in an extremely scary fashion. Betty didn't know is she preferred him or the bugs.16

Betty prepared to tell the man why she was there, but she was caught by his eyes. Something about them seemed odd and creepy. As the old lady gave him a bizarre stare, she took her cane and started hovering it in front of his face. Something was definately wrong with his pupils. Betty prepared to jam the cane and smash it in his head.17

"Yeah," interrupted Fred. "I'm blind." Betty immediately drew back her body and began to apologize. "Oh, I'm so damn sorry," she began. "It's just that I've never met a blind man before and I didn't know how I could tell if you were... hold on... wait a shittin' second... how the hell did you know I was about to poke your eyes out?"18

"The same way I can manage a shop all by myself," started Fred. "I am an extraordinarily good listener... and plus... everyone gives me a stare like that eventually."19

Fred told Mrs. Henderson about how he could listen and find out what a customer was buying by simply having them set the purchases on the counter. Betty was in awe and extremely impressed. After she set some items on the counter and had him guess them, she knew that what he said had to be true. He guessed correctly every single time, which meant that he had to be blind.20

The old woman finally decided to ditch the blind man and start shopping for her bait. She began walking around the shop, poking all of the worms with her cane. The elderly woman strolled around at an elderly pace. Eventually, her eyes set themselves on the view of a sign that read: "Free samples! Please take one and give it a try."21

Above the sign was a plate resting on a small, wooden table. The plate was filled with long, slimy, dead worms.  Betty was in shock. "What the hell is a plate of spaghetti doing for sale in a bait shop?" 22

Betty was very skeptical, but she soon decided to have a bite. "In my day, spaghetti cost a nickel... so how can I turn down free noodles?"23

Mrs. Henderson lifted one of the worms and it slipped back down on the plate. "Damn... lots of sauce!" she exclaimed. She clenched the parasite pasta with two hands and quickly tossed it in between her teeth, slurping it down into her stomach. Betty made a horrible gagging sound and her face turned bright red. As she wiped the extra slime off of her lips, her eyes began to bulge out of their sockets. "That was a spicy meatball!" she said with shock. "Hell, at least it was better than my mother's cooking! Bless her in heaven!"24

For a few moments, the only thing that bothered Mrs. Henderson was the spicy aftertaste of the worm. As she decided about whether or not to have another bite, her stomach started making a gurgling sound. It was just a slight rumble, but it still grabbed her attention. Betty looked down at her belly, "Wow, are you trying to tell me that I should go ahead with another bite?"25

Her stomach let out another roar, "Garrrggggleeee!" Betty's face quickly grew a horrified look, and she poked her belly to try to figure out what was going on. "Perhaps the food made me sick," she determined. "No wonder it was free!" 26

"Gaaaaaaaa Grrrraaaa Goooooooorrrg!" said her stomach. The large impact of the sound literally shook her body. Betty jumped back in fear and accidentally bumped into a pile of dead crickets. The crickets fell to the floor, leaving a huge mess. 27

To make sure that the blind guy wouldn't see her actions, she quickly dived towards the ground to get to work on the crickets. As her body went down, she plopped on her stomach and it made the loudest roar yet.28

The abundance of dead bugs on the floor and the fact that her body was taking control of her, put her in a state of panic. She started scooping all of the bugs into a cluster on the ground and began looking around for a thing to put them in. She thought she heard Fred coming, so she quickly started throwing the crickets into her shirt. As she tossed the bugs in by the handful, her stomach provided enough noises to make sure that no one would hear the cricket chaos.29

As she lay on the floor, she looked up and saw the spaghetti tray and had an idea to put the crickets on to that instead of in her clothes. As she started taking dead bugs out of her bra, a disgusted customer tried his hardest to not say a thing. By the time that the frightened man was completely out of sight, she had taken all of the crickets out of her clothes.30

As she sat in pride at successfully putting her wonderful idea to work, the stomach problems began to move to lower regions of her body. As another few gargles escaped from her stomach, a horrible pain started building up in Betty's butt. Poor Henderson started becoming teary eyed and quickly turned around to start crawling out of the store. As the pain got stronger, the old woman could feel pressure rising in her ass. The strength started building. 31

Seconds passed and the poor old lady lay paralyzed on the floor. All of her thought and will power was being used to fight back the horrible discomfort. As she rolled around on the floor, practically crying, the constipated granny began shouting, "Poop ass shit turd pimp mustard llama spaghetti noodles Phyllis mayonnaise!" The horrible pain was forcing random words out of her mouth.32

When she thought that she was going to die, her stomach released a really loud gurgle and the pain instantly stopped. Betty let out a sigh of relief and started to get off of the ground. 33

As she put out her right knee for balance, the force suddenly came back. Betty flew forward like a rocket and wailed a horrible moan. As her wrinkled old body flew in one direction, air came shooting out of the other. Betty let out a huge, spicy fart that blasted into the room. It shot towards the plate of crickets and nearly shattered it. 34

Dead crickets began raining from the ceiling with their newly formed worm friends. The shop had turned into a battle field. 35

Betty was still half-way in the air and finally collided into the wall. Her body slid lower until her head hit the floor tiles. Betty stood upside down, waiting for her butt to finish talking.36

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~37

Mrs. Henderson helped herself up and looked around the shop. The place was in shambles. Bugs were on both the roof and the floor. Heck, the only spot that they weren't at was their original container. And if that was not enough for the poor old woman, she was having horrible chest and booty pains. Thankfully, all of the other customers had left the shop in fear right before the explosion had occurred, or she might have had a lot of explaining to do.38

Her major concern at the moment was Fred. He was blind, so she still had a chance to fool him. She thought that if she bought her bait from this shop and acted like a normal customer, that he would eventually blame the damage on someone else.39

Betty briskly grabbed twenty dollars worth of worms that surprisingly resembled the spaghetti that she had eaten earlier. Although she was baffled by the similarity, she had a plan and she had to stick to it. She just couldn't let herself get blamed for the destruction of the shop.40

Old Henderson held the bag of bait in her left hand as she walked over to Fred's check-out counter. Ironically, the steps that were going to get her out of the building were in the opposite direction of the door.41

As she looked down at the squishy worms, her stomach let out another grumble. "Oh shit," she mumbled. "Not you again." With a sigh, Betty continued to get closer to the counter. As the stomach grumbles got louder, her ability to walk became harder. 42

"Garrrrglllllee," spoke her stomach.  She took a small step. "Grrrrrrgllleeh!" She took an even smaller step. By the time that she made it to Fred, she was in horrible discomfort again. And then, when she was only a few feet away from him, the pain sank down to her butt once more.43

Betty bit her top lip and made a straining, constipated face. To make it through the ghoulish gas, she found herself gripping the bag of worms with all of her might. The look on her face began to get even worse, as both Betty's facial cheeks and lower cheeks turned purple. Her nostrils started flaring and her eyes snapped shut. For a second, Fred wasn't the only one that couldn't see.44

As with what happened last time, the pain instantly went away. "I'm not falling for this crap again!" exclaimed Mrs. Henderson. She slid her legs in opposite directions, while still standing, and did a half-split to get extra support. After gripping everything on her for what seemed like forever, she assumed it would never come back and just decided to quit holding it back.45

The woman put a smile on her face, un-crossed her not-so-crossed legs, and took a step forward. Before she could do anything, Betty found a sudden gush pull through her body and push her pants back by five inches. "Crap shit butt bologna cheese muffin Ronald bacon Susan!" she whispered. The pain started forcing even more random words. 46

Instead of putting her hand over her mouth to stop herself from gasping, she found her hand go on her butt-crack instead.47

After the large amount of body gas came out of Betty, an eerie silence filled the half-destroyed bait shop. Fred stood on the other end of the counter, acknowledging her arrival, but not mentioning her fart. 48

"Could he have possible not heard it?" thought Mrs. Henderson. "If I'm going to get the hell out of here, I'm just going to have to assume it!" Betty quickly placed her bag of worms on the edge of the counter and Fred instantly started ringing them up.49

Mrs. Henderson smiled, knowing that she was not caught in her disgusting, vile act. As she waited to pay the man, she started adjusting her pants. "Wow... blind men are awesome!" she thought. "I should marry one 'cause then I can do whatever I want!"50

Fred finished his check-out business and turned towards Betty. "That will be twenty-five dollars and sixteen cents," he said.51

The poor woman became confused. Perhaps her powerful fart had damaged his brain. She went in to a small state of shock and began correcting him. "What the hell... you must have heard the wrong things! I should only have to pay twenty dollars!" 52

"Nope," said Fred. "I know what you are trying to buy, and I am never wrong... The bag of worms in twenty dollars, the duck call is three, and the catfish stinkbait is two-sixteen."53

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~54

It took a few hours before Betty finally got on a boat. Knowing her, only a few hours to accomplish a simple task was pretty darn well. As she sat on the edge of the bobbing boat, she looked down at the bag of worms.55

"I've been using you guys all damn day and I have yet to catch a single fricken fish!" she screamed. It was true, poor Betty was having horrible luck. Perhaps 'Lake Luck' was a big 'Lake Lie.'56

"I think I'm going to borrow someone else's bait because you guys suck!" said the crazy granny that was talking to bugs. She lifted the bag of worms and slammed it down on to the floor of the boat. 57

Betty took a deep breath and reflected on how horribly her day had been going. For a moment, the sighing stopped and the chuckling began. Betty started thinking about what Fred had charged her for in the shop. Then, she started thinking about her luck again, and she went back into a depressed state of mind. At least her stomach pains had stopped.58

Turning around to find some new bait, Mrs. Henderson's right foot landed directly on the bag of worms. In no time at all, the clumsy Grandma flew into the air. If Betty was an airplane, she'd have enough frequent flier miles to circumnavigate the globe.59

Her body slid left as her screams shouted right. Trying to grab the air, she resembled the fish that she couldn't catch. "Argh asshole tit ahh face cock vanilla wafer!" she cried. As her body started flipping in mid-air, Betty began to find herself in a position over the water. As in a cheap animated cartoon, Betty knew what was coming and started kicking and screaming.  As she came closer to the lake, a miracle occurred and Betty managed to somehow grab on to the side of the boat.60

"Grrrr garh troll doll hoochie pimp ho shit!" roared Betty. The constant injuries of Mrs. Henderson had unleashed the monster within her. The outraged elderly woman began pounding the side of the boat.61

Thump after thump could be heard as the psychotic granny hung for her life. With each hit, she started giggling and feeling much more better about herself. As the anger said goodbye to her brain and left, Betty told herself that she would have one more hit for good luck.62

With a mighty, powerful roar, Mrs. Henderson slammed her head in to the metal railing on the boat. The railing broke off and shattered in her hair. Her hands, which were also on the railing, gave way and the pale, old lady plopped in to the water.63

Panting and splashing, it took Betty a long time to realize that she was in shallow water. After trying to turn herself into a floatation device, she finally caught on and stood up.64

While half-walking, half-jumping towards the shore, Betty got another strange feeling in her ass. This one was different though. The old woman couldn't quite put her hands on it (that isn't intended to be taken literally, although we all know where her hands have been).65

Betty finally put her hands in her pants and felt something moving. "Holy crap!" she exclaimed. "I've caught a fish!" Betty dug back into her undergarments with joy and pulled out the decent-sized trout. "Damn," she joked. "Someone likes their catfish stinkbait!"66

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~67

Mrs. Henderson eventually caught three fish on her first fishing trip. Being as excited as she was, she quickly drove over to Peter's house. As she went up the stairs to his apartment room, she managed to make it to the top without being stopped. Betty knocked on his front door, and after seven attempts, Peter finally opened it.68

"Betty," said her grandson. "What are you doing here?"69

The poor grandmother knew the routine. Peter didn't want to see her. Hell, he didn't even call her grandma. But for once, this didn't stop a thing. Betty was now a fisherman... or fisherwoman... or fishergrandwoman.70

"I've got some great news," she said as she assured him. "May I come in for a moment?"71

"Fine," said Peter. "But only for a few minutes." Peter guided her to the kitchen, where he was cooking a pot of spaghetti. "Would you like some?" he kindly offered.72

"Eh... hell no... I've decided to give up spaghetti," said Betty. She reminisced of earlier that day and formed a gagging-look on her face.73

"If you don't eat meat, don't worry... it's all artificial," said Peter. "I'm against animal cruelty... along with my girlfriend... you know my girlfriend, the one who's house you blew up!"74

Although upset about the house remark, Betty became baffled with the animal cruelty statement. "How the hell can a fisherman be against animal cruelty?" she asked.75

Peter gave Mrs. Henderson a bizarre look. It was one of those dead looks that you could 'poke a cane at.' He had no idea as to what she was talking about. "Umm... I'm not a fisherman," he said.76

Betty instantly grew her own strange facial expression. "Uh... don't lie to me. I saw that damn fishing magazine in your pocket the other day!"77

"What the hell?" asked Peter. "Oh wait... I know what you mean... that wasn't a fishing magazine... it was a magazine selling fish. My girlfriend wants us to get some pets. Like I said... I would never hurt an animal!"78

Mrs. Henderson's confused face turned into the constipated face and then evolved into the outraged face. "If you don't fish, then why the fuck was I fishing all damn day!" She clenched the edge of the tablecloth in anger.79

"You killed fish?" yelled Peter in a dramatic tone. "Ok... I think it's time that you leave. I've heard enough of you this week."80

Mrs. Henderson quickly rebutted, "Oh come on! Those fish are so damn dumb. They deserve to die!" Betty continued rambling as Peter headed towards the window. 81

"The fish in that lake were complete idiots!" continued Betty. As Peter listened, he un-latched the window and pushed the glass panel open. He then took the pot of pasta and held it in his hands.82

"Why do those fish always go to the bait and commit suicide?" she continued. "Any life-form that follows something that was placed to manipulate them should be dead!"83

"Oh look," interrupted Peter in a sarcastic, dry voice. "I've dropped the spaghetti out the window."84

"It's ok," assured Betty. "I'll go get it."85