I'm sorry..

So I sit, on the edge of my bed. 1

On the edge...you were always on the edge. Never calm, always moving, always fidgeting or talking or laughing. On edge.2

My face, it’s in my hands; I can’t see you, therefore you can’t see me. My face in my hands, tears bleeding through the fault lines, dripping: drip, drip, drip, drip, onto my faded jeans. 3

I’m sorry for what I did to you. 4

I’M SORRY! PLEASE, BELIEVE ME!-5

The window is open. There’s a light breeze, the curtains broken by sunlight every few moments, as the ultraviolet fought the clouds forming heavy on the morning.6

Broken? You said that I’d broken you. Three small words, you know? Make the world of difference.7

YOU BROKE ME! DO YOU HEAR ME? I’M BROKEN!8

Sitting like this, on my own. 9

The room is dark. No one likes to admit that they like the dark, as if it’s some deep forbidden taboo to like the fear, the paralysing sense of nothing, the adrenaline of not knowing-10

I don’t want to know anything anymore.11

YOU’VE RUINED EVERYTHING. 12

The whitewashed walls of the hospital were clinical, clean. Burning, through blurred eyes. The harsh lighting, stark white; white gowns, white uniforms, white walls, white sheets. White pale is their faces, as they run! They were running, faster, faster, following the gurney as CRASH! CRASH! It burst through door after door until- ‘Sir, I’m afraid you’re going to have to wait outside- please, sir, calm down- sir, please-’13

You were always on edge. Even when you slept, and I’d watch you; like a dog that’s running in a dream, twitching and turning. 14

The grass is green under our feet. Sandy, fresh, sea-bitten. Like our skin, like our eyes; in our swimming costumes, blue and grey. I can smell the salt. I can smell the chips. I can smell the ice-cream. Laughing, we are; can you hear it? That laughter, free. Easy. Happy. Childhood happy, careless; can you hear it?15

HELLO? CAN YOU HEAR ME? SPEAK TO ME!16

Your skin was...so smooth. I’d brush by your arm, or knock your leg to attract your sleeping attraction. You’d punch me, amicably, smooth skin to smooth skin. Grin. Your skin was freckled, too, over time and places and summers spent together, by the river, by the fields, by the trees. That day, golden and azure, when we both fell out of the tree when it broke from our weight-17

YOU BROKE ME! DO YOU HEAR ME? I’M BROKEN!18

I’m sorry. The amount of times I said those words, grudgingly or sincerely or sarcastically whatever was needed but I SAID THEM! Did you not hear me?19

CAN YOU HEAR ME?20

I’m sorry. I tried to be what you needed, who you wanted me to be; I tried, I tried so hard. You have to believe me when I say I tried. You know I tried, right? You know I tried? But...21

YOU’VE RUINED EVERYTHING!22

I’m sorry. I failed you...I’ve failed you! I’m sorry please believe me listen to me listen to me please, please believe me I’m sorry I’m so sorry please, please23

CAN YOU HEAR ME?24

I’m sorry that you can’t hear me anymore. I’m sorry that you can’t blame me, you can’t hate me. You’ve hated me before, when I took that girl that you loved; you said that I’d broken you. We were so stupid...thought they were everything, back then. But we still had each other. I’m sorry that I have to be the one to sit, alone, because I'm still the one breathing, growing, feeling, LIVING and IT’S ALL MY FAULT.25

I’m sorry. 26

I...I took you out, that night. We were told not to. Well, I was told not to; you were too young, too inexperienced, too naive. But we did everything together. I wasn’t going to deny you that... I took you out. Brand new shiny Vauxhall, brand new shiny licence, brand new shiny drinks so unknown to you, so familiar to me. 27

I sit, with my head in my hands; the bed creases beneath my weight, the window open and broken from daylight. 28

You...on that bed, that white bed... in that white hospital29

YOU BROKE ME30

You...smiling, laughing, joking, always on edge31

I BROKE YOU32

You...in the tree with me, hiding from a common evil sniggering children with ripped trousers and grass stained shirts33

I’M SORRY34

You...sitting next to me, cans clanking at our feet, drink dancing in our minds. You, laughing manically at a joke neither of us told, but both of us found hilarious. Me, taking my eyes, blurring, swaying, blacking, from the road-35

I’M SORRY! I BROKE YOU! CAN YOU HEAR ME? PLEASE! PLEASE BELIEVE ME! I’M SORRY!36

You...37

I’ve fallen asleep, head in my hands. The answer phone is silent. The house is silent. Yet, your voice rings through; I walk, steadily, rise from the bed, towards you. You stand bathed in that broken white light, broken white pale child, no more than a child, standing hands outstretched as I reach you, as I reach you,38

As I reach you, my brother. Open your smiling, laughing mouth and I hear those three words...39

‘I ...forgive you.’40