"The afternoon is beautiful don't you think Karold?" I ask, glancing up at the large, full moon. I lean against the balcony looking past the palace walls to the city that reaches as far as the eye can see. A myriad of small lights provide illumination where the moonlight doesn't fall; a beautiful scene. During the day, the sight is even more dazzling.1
"Aye. It's beautiful milord,” he replies. “If Ailen were here, she’d call you beautiful," he adds.2
Karold is my personal servant and more important, my best friend. Peering backwards, I see him leaning against the wall, attempting to hide a smile. Karold’s a lanky young man, a few months younger than I; not as tall as I nor as muscular, yet well defined. He wears all black in the livery of servants of the royal family. On his shoulders there are a few pins of recognition. On his arms, there are three stripes, two black and one white.3
Few know that he's of noble blood. His family's finances had fallen to the point where they couldn’t maintain their status. Desperate, Karold’s father pleaded with the king, asking for aid. Father demanded two things from him, to have their son serve me and one other I’ve yet to hear. His parents agreed instantly. Karold appeared when we were four years old. We've been great friends ever since.4
"You scoundrel,” I mutter. “Do not remind me of that woman. She is the main reason I came back.” Karold begins to laugh.5
“Yeah, she’s one persistent woman.”6
“I know, too persistent.”7
“Watch her come here to see you.”8
“Karold! Don’t give me nightmares,” I reply adding fuel to his laughter. I attempt forgetting that dreadful, annoying woman. She followed me, kept asking me questions, cooking me food – even though it was quite good. She even called me beautiful. I can’t number the times she made advances. In short, she never left me alone - even after she became aware of my lineage.9
“Oh, it would be entertaining to see.”10
“For you maybe.”11
I glance at myself, unaccustomed to soft clothing. I’m adorned with a number of necklaces and jewels. My purple linen robe is fastened with a white sash. A golden circlet lies on my brow, feeling heavier than it should.12
"Besides, do not call me 'my lord' while we're alone."13
"You’re the prince-heir, Soma. I'm but a servant. I can't call you that, it’s not like when we were children."14
"And? We're still friends Karold, best of friends."15
A true friend is difficult to come by, especially if you're in royal circles. Most seek to gain and look no deeper than your title.16
"Best of friends?"17
"Someday soon you won’t be a servant. You know as much as I. You are wiser than most of the men who grovel at father's feet. You'll be able to publicly speak with fair Merith, perhaps even court her. You did not think I had noticed your sneaking out to meet the young noble?"18
Karolds cheeks turn crimson. “You would do that?" he asks brightly.19
"Of course, you have my word."20
I put my arm around him, jostling him. We walk into my room, large enough to fit a score of people comfortably. Despite its size, it’s far from empty. Amazing how many items you can collect. Shelves full of books and objects occupy the walls. I avoid my large bed occupied with clothing and equipment. A large rug, intricately designed, lies at the center of the room depicting the fabled Dragon. Its sinuous body wraps around a shield and sword; its wings spread out as if closing around them.21
I remember the days when we were allowed to roam the palace; we'd explore the grounds, planning mischief. Other children would join us. We would wrestle and compete. One of the storerooms we discovered had a rug inside. We were so fascinated I had it brought here.22
"Merith would be overjoyed to hear of this," he says smiling.23
"I want to make this country a better place. For that, I'd like your help," I reply, stopping before the rug, gazing down at it. The dragon, however, doesn't look like it's depicted here; they're much nobler.24
"I'm honored to hear you think so highly of me," Karold replies in his tenor voice.25
"You proved your worth these last two years."26
"I only did what was required of me."27
"You did well."28
"Thank you."29
"I wonder what they were really like."30
"Who?"31
"The dragons."32
"Legend says they were fearsome creatures that reined terror on our land."33
"I know what legend says. But legends change as time goes by."34
"What do you think dragons are like?" he asks curiously.35
"I do not know. I read the scrolls-"36
"-which you spend hours doing."37
"Written by Obed the historian," I continue.38
"Isn't Obed that unbalanced historian?"39
"Yes. Obed was a junior historian when our people came to this land. He wrote that soon after they arrived, the dragons followed. He tells of how dragons and our people co-existed. Also, he said that the dragons turned to stone. Other historians argue the validity of this claim. The point is the dragons disappeared. Decades later, creatures resembling dragons appeared. These creatures however, caused havoc and brought calamity to the land."40
"Alright Soma, where do you disagree?"41
"What if the dragons really did turn to stone? Karold, I have seen magicians petrify living creatures."42
"I suppose it's possible."43
"That means that the look-alikes were not dragons."4844
"We'll never know," Karold responds,45
I can't explain my fascination. Something draws me to them.46
I step into the reception area. It opens to a small library, a room for washing, a room for dining, a storage room and the exit.47
The room is perfectly round; a cedar table of intricate gold design at its center. A small porcelain washbasin sits on it so visitors can wash their hands on entering. A few wash cloths lay beside the basin.48
The custom doesn't make sense. Why does one have to wash when they enter a person's private quarters?49
Against the walls are other cedar, gilded tables full of porcelain, ivory, jewels.. Rich tapestries depicting beautiful landscapes or gory battles adorn the walls. The dark marble floor gleams in the candlelight. The room is beautiful but opulent enough to feed a few towns for months.50
I walk absentmindedly, thinking of someone more important than dragons, Kerain, Karold's sister. Unlike him, she kept her title as noblewoman. I have been smitten with her since I was a child. Her smile, eyes, delicate bearing, everything about her is perfect. I hope she will attend today's banquet. A knock on the door startles me from my reverie.51
It opens soundlessly, the head servant enters and bows before relaying his message. He wears a livery similar to Karold's except he has a few extra pins on his shoulders and the stripes on his arms are white.52
'Good Afternoon Prince-heir. You look dashing," he says. He is like an uncle to me. Years ago, he was our caretaker. He'd help us plan mischief and ultimately get away with it. At the time, he was just a servant but has since worked his way to head servant, a coveted job.53
"At least you are not Ailen."54
"Oh stop it. You know Kerain will be there. She hasn't seen you since you left for the countryside. Don't you want to make an impression? She'll be pleasantly surprised."55
"Maybe I don't fancy her anymore," I reply dryly.56
"Fat chance," Karold says amused, leaning on the doorway. He nods to Carras. "She's been on his mind the whole time."57
"Don't gang up on me," I say sullenly. "I'm glad to see you Carras. But I know you are here for a reason."58
"The banquet will begin shortly. However, the king has called for an emergency meeting and your attendance is required."59
"An important meeting?"60
"Yes."61
"Did you overhear anything?"62
"A messenger from the border arrived not long ago. After that, the king sent messengers to summon the Mage Ancients."63
"The border? Mages?" Karold asks.64
"It can only mean one thing. Lead the way Carras," I order, rushing out the door.65
War.
Author notes
This is one of my oldest stories that I've started it many times. This is another attempt at rewriting it.
What do you think?
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Comments
1 - 50 of 50
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this was really good. it had it's own styling, wording, even it's own dialect. it has held my attention since the begining and i would definately read more.
there is one thing where you could improve though:
"You scoundrel,” I mutter. “Do not remind me of that woman. She is the main reason I came back.” Karold begins to laugh.5
“Yeah, she’s one persistent woman.”6
“I know, too persistent.”7
“Watch her come here to see you.”8
“Yeah, she’s one persistent woman.”6
“I know, too persistent.” i shuddered as though a stray chill air had crossed my shoulders.7
“Watch her come here to see you.”8
adding a little characters actions really helps the reader feel what the character is feeling, also it gives the story some reality.
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"I ask, glancing up at the large, full moon." You could remove the comma right before "full moon"
. "I lean against the balcony looking past the palace walls to the city that reaches as far as the eye can see." Sisi is saying she thinks "As far as My eyes could see" would go better cause "As far as the eye can see" sounds a bit strange, and the part right after that, could be "provided" not "provide". Next, Where Karold replied, You could use his Name right there, and then use the "he" you used at "he adds" since this is a First-Person Story, You should capitalize Me/My/Mine, 
.
Few know that he's of noble blood. (Would have gone better with "knew" I think.) and capitalized Father/Mother/Mom/Dad/or siblings, such as Sister and things look better. 
. (I'm using too much faces right now...)
Karolds cheeks turn crimson. (Turned.)
"A small porcelain washbasin sits on it so visitors can wash their hands on entering." (Hmm... "A small porcelain washbasin sat on it, enabling visitors to wash their hands on entering." Sisi thinks that would go better.. She won't give her full Review, cause I've already said most of what she would.)
And how you use "too" I really like, So much People don't know what "too" can be used in... they only think it in "Me too!" kind of things, when I use it in chat they go "Too? lol."
Other than that. Yay! Dragons!!. I love Dragons, anyways, It kept Me interested ^^. Not sure how improved this is from Your Previous-Write on this, but I find you a great writer. . Though, Sisi is saying this. "Be careful not use too much words like tenor. Why? Because a lot of people wouldn't know what it means. If you continue on having words like that, they would say 'dumb it down a little bit'." Words like, Beguiling. Benign, Antonym. Tenor.
Sisi's Ratings:
Beginning: 3 (Coming from her, that isn't a bad rate.)
Ending: 4
Characters: 3 And Almost 4
Plot: 3, Almost 4.
Language: 5.
Dialog: 4.beginning: 4, language: 4, plot: 4, ending: 5, dialog: 4, characters: 4.
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I really like this story. Made me laugh at a few parts, but the description seemed a little patchy like they went together but had parts missing some how. I'm interested about the dragons though (love dragon lore). If the real dragons were turned into stone then what are the 'impostors'?
And who is this Ailen who infuriates the prince so?
Anyway good write I wait more
thealexrosebeginning: 4, language: 4, plot: 4, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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This was good. I enjoyed reading this. Thanks for entering and best of luck too you in the contest!!~
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Very good write! I highly enjoyed it. Some not-so-noticable grammar problems, but we can always go back and fix that.
The descriptions and imagery were very good and I would keep reading. Keep up the good work!
Thankyou and Good luck
kokofuto
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Ooh. Slightly awkward colour scheme for my poor eyes.
I like your names, although i read Ailen as Alien!
para 3: "he wears all black in the livery" is a bit wordy. You could cut it down to "he wears the all-black livery".
I'm a bit confused. Karold served Soma when he was only three? Or did he live in with Soma until he was old enough to serve him or something? You could maybe write that in briefly, to explain.
26: maybe "you have proved your worth" would sound a bit better?
I like the dialogue, though.
I also like your description. It's good, but not too long!
Wow. What a short critique! That means there were very few errors that i could find!
I loved your descriptions, and I'm already starting to wonder what happens next. You stopped at just the right point. I might come back to read some more soon. Hope this rewrite is successful.
beginning: 4, language: 5, plot: 4, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 4.
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It was very.. interesting
I really liked this piece and would like to read more -
loved it. thasnks for entering my contest and best of luck. louise
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para 44 has the number 48 after it ...curious as to what that means...
para 50 line 1 has two periods at the end.
Like the way the story is written although the last line , "War." maybe should be something like
"War is on the horizon" or
"War is approaching"
just an idea though...
nicely written and i like the usage of vocab. : -
Requires continuation to grab me further
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very nice
i love it. I would so read more if you ever post more. OF course i'm already a fan of your writing but this is another good show if it.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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I like it.
beginning: 3, language: 4, plot: 4, ending: 3, dialog: 4, characters: 4.
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I'd read more.
Nice.beginning: 3, language: 4, plot: 4, ending: 3, dialog: 4, characters: 4.
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that is a good point mentioned by someone previous, its starts with talking of the moon the says afternoon
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Very good! I love the imagery, and do i smell foreshadowing about dragons? AWESOME! I also love the very life-like feeling of the story, the way it seems like these character have existed for a while, that they didn't just pop into existence at the begining of the story.
I must worship you for this
one thing you could change (could, not should or have to
is that, during the dialogue, you could add a few 'he said's or 'I said's, to make it clearer who's talking. other than that, there is nothing I would change.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 4, characters: 5.
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nice friendship versus servitude conflict here. it adds dynamic.the overall effect is good, with the prince-heir not even understanding the customs
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great setting. i love the way it starts out.
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Great read
I won't go into the grammar or punctuation, as I can see you have little problem with that. Great job on that.
For the story, I liked how to portrayed the story. I mean, it isn't exactly easy to relay a story out from first person, and still keep it interesting. But you nailed it, man.
I disagree with the comments about too many, or too little, descriptions. As far as I know, it should be up to you. If you're comfortable with it, and feel it's important to give out those details, then why not? I've seen loads of published authors do that.
As for the remark about too much dialogue, well, all I can say is that this is a story. There's got be dialogues. It's how stories are told without being too boring (dialogues are better to bring out the details of the story, rather than simple narration by the writer...showing is better than telling, don't you think?)
All in all, this is a good-written piece, and you should be proud of it.
Cheers! -
Frekin sweet man.. ive always been into books with mdevl themes.. and this reminds me of World of Warcraft.. huge fan... also of king arthur books... and lord of the ring books.. and this looks like a nice blend of everything... this is the perfect book for some1 like me XD.. gr8 job man.. seriously... its brilliant.. cant wait to read the other chapters
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Eye-grabbing
All I can say is that this definitely caught my attention and I'll be following it.
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loved it
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pretty good! i enjoyed reading it! Thanks for entering and good luck in my contest!
Kudos,
CreaterSk8er
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Way too much dialogue. I see that this point has been picked up already. I also found that the characters seem unreal or blank because of a lack of physical descriptions. You've outlined their personalities very well and you've included background very subtly, but eye colour and hair colour here or there would help.
In paragraph 48, I believe it should be 'lie' rather than 'lay'.
I feel that you've introduced too many characters in one sitting. Maybe I'm having a tough time because it's late and I need caffeine but maybe a bit less background on the head servant and the women. This can be added on later. Concentrate on the prospect of war instead since this appears to be the main concern.
Good read. -
Tis not fair, why are you so amazing at writing?!?!? It was a great read. It didn't find any spelling/ grammatical errors. I'm digging it, and now I'm off to read more...
*skips off with Haggendaaz ice cream*
mwahahaha.
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Wow, I'm really impressed. Your style is fluid and easy to follow, while maintaining a rare sophistication. Very well written.
I was pretty much hooked once I saw that you used the word "myriad". Quite the 6 point word =P -
AWESOME.
This really got me hooked! Your writing style is very captivating and your dialogue flows very well. I loved how you described everything. This story's really great and and I enjoyed it a lot =D
*is sooo gonna read more*
Great work and keep it up!
~*Princess*~
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The custom doesn't make sense. Why does one have to wash when they enter a person's private quarters?
I think you should explain why he doesn't agree with the custom he grew up with, because otherwise it just seems sorta out of place unless it leads to a little more character introspection.
'Good Afternoon Prince-heir... "
Typo in para 53. Just letting you know.
Okay. The main issue I see here is that there's a lot of dialogue heavy parts and description heavy parts. It almost reads more like a script.
It's not vastly important to fully describe a scene before the characters talk it it, try doing it a little at a time, as they are speaking. That should make it flow better -
It's late, and I'm tired. It's so late its 8 am actually.. And I have a habit of leaving long crits. So I'll get through what I can.
1....I understand the last sentence in paragraph one is to set the scene, but I feel it can be axed because it interrupts the visual you give in the rest of the paragraph.
3- More importantly my best friend sounds better.
Also, I'm beginning to note a demon. Commas and semicolons. It's a dangerous place to play and they can be overused. Try cutting your sentences to make them shorter. There's no shame in simplicity.
9-" I attempt to forget that... "
"She followed me, kept asking me questions, cooking me food " Tense change.
Also, the dialogue is a little hard to follow because there's a lot of it, and you never pause to establish who is saying what.
Break it up every now and then and as an action or pause to pace it better.
I also know the pains of trying to describe your characters in a narrative. Honestly, main character appearance shouldn't really matter, so don't fret over clothing detail all at once. It reads weird. If you want to mention the circlet, try saying something like 'The weight of my circlet is a slight distraction' or 'The white sash at my waist fluttered a little in the breeze' The character doesn't have to examine themselves.
Holy crap. How did I miss that they were both dudes?
I suggest using Noblewoman when referring to girls.
But I had that same issue with Matched in Murder. Everyone thought the narrator was a girl.
Okay. More later. -
I was squinting through the entire story. The font killed my eyes. Yikes! Perhaps change it to something that's not so...red?
I found this chapter rather interesting, though there are a few aspects I would add: such as history and interaction around the dialogue. By history, I mean with what a 'prince-heir' is, how important his role is; I would also like to see some history of the place, of the prince-heir's parents.
Overall, I found this piece really well-written, and the dialogue believable (though I wouldn't have his royalty say 'gang up').
Thanks for entering this piece in my contest. All the best!!!
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This was a really great read! You really should publish this story as soon as you finish it. I think it holds its own unique qualities that if you played upon them more throughout the novel will completely set your story apart from others. The writing was very well done. Your descriptions were also lovely and didn't give away too much to the imagination. As for the characters, I could clearly define who was who through out the entire first chapter. I liked all of the witty jibes and the background information that you supplied. Keep up the great work!
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Good descriptons and dialouges.
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I love this as much as the 2nd!!! It's kool...
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Urg, I am going to have to DQ you I'm afraid. This contest allows no chaptered works. Sorry. It is an excellent story though; I've already grown slightly attached to the characters. If you have more chapters you should put them up, I would for sure follow this.
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Wow Sith, this is a really great story. You should publish it as a book. The literature, and how you give each person a special way of how they word their sentences. Poor Ailen, or however yuo spell it. You have inspired me a story milord. Lolz.
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i like it, i really like the prince ans servant being best friends
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Interesting. I enjoyed it. Awesome story dude.
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awsome
I love it yay -
yay
awsome story i like it. its cool cause of the way the prince treats his best friend and considering how he is royal that must be a blessing. well i love the story and the fact that the prince has a fangirl lol. bye
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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OHHHHHHHHHHH......DRAGONS!!! Now you know you have me hooked
Small things:
P3'...not as tall as I nor as muscular, (yet but) well defined.' This feels awkward to me. Are you trying to say that he wasn't as muscular yet? Or was the but left in as a mistake? Or was the yet a mistake? Maybe I don't know what I'm talking about
Having an issue with the lack of emotional tag lines. I understand Karold is amused, that comes through well, but the disgust from Soma, isn't there. Show me, don't tell me
Again the conversation between Soma and Karold is emotionless.
And NO SMELL!!! Gotta have my smell. Story is just not real if there is no smell. When writing a scene, I try to always include all five sense; smell, sight, sound, touch and taste.
P55 '"Oh stop it. You know Kerain will be there. She hasn't seen you since you left for the countryside. Don't you want to make an impression? She'll be pleasantly surprised."' Who says this?
P59 Wouldn't King be captalized? I don't know, so I thought I'd ask
and in P6
Ok, I loved it. The above are just my suggestions. Keep going on this.
Brooke
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Now you know for a fact that I do not mean to disrspect anyone AT all. But, I do not agree with anything Gary Alexander said. Nothing was confusing, this was written for way-back-when times, it's suppose to be confusing.
The details you added made it that much better, Joshua! Everything was perfect, I've got nothing to complain about. Haha. Well what I did have to complain about I already told you.
Bravo!
~Dancing Flames
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I'm having major trouble with the "quick comment"
As I go: (so not to forget)
again: P1..."a beautiful scenery = a beautiful SCENE!
P2..."straight voice" what does that mean? a SERIOUS voice? "he said with a STRAIGHT FACE?
"straight voice" is the incorrect expression.
P3..."Peering back." THINKING back would be better. Peering is confusing.
"Yet but" One or the other!(or BUT YET...reverse the order)
P4 "They couldn't maintain THEIR status"
Who's "THEY? THEIR? Say the family. "Finances" confuses things.
"The head of HIS family" too many pronouns. WHO?
"To AIM them?" What does t his mean?
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Oooo fantasy peice. I like it a lot. xD
But it seems that everyone thinks that Soma is quiite dashing. hehe
I agree with Dancing Flames. You use some modern language in a story that seems to take place a while ago.
But the start is exteremly interesting. I want to read more. :] -
Vocabulary - They're just too...I dunno. I just don't like 'em."
In modern day, I could understand anyone saying this. But I'm guessing your going for a earlier theme. Perhaps, "They're just, how do I put this...? I just don't like them?"
One more: "He he, you didn't think I'd notice how you'd sneak out to meet the young noble, eh?" how about something like "Here now, you didn't think it would go unnoticed by me how you sneek out to meet the young noble, eh?"
Just a sugestions of course.
"Afternoon Prince-heir. You look quite dashing today," he says in a friendly voice. He's like an uncle and for that, I allow him to take some liberties that would have otherwise landed him in the dungeons."
In the beginging you were telling us of the moonlight and now you are speaking of the afternoon. Perhaps I missed something, but I just wanted to point that out.
Begining - It was great, it drew the reader in immediately.
Ending - Kept me wanting to read the next chapter - wanting to know what happens next. Awesome!
Characters - You established personalities for them and made them known. No character is the same.
Its good, Josh. Don't stop. We want to read more!
~Always Dancing.beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Siiiitttthhhhh!!
I HEART you! This is great! The plot's starting to come out already and I want moooorrrreeee! Hugz!
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Nifty, Nii-san =]
I WANT MOAR DANG EET! Dx
Post post post post! =D
AND PS, since you read this, I want a flavor now!
Hooha! =] -
A really good read.
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I really liked it. It does remind me of The Prince of Egypt somehow. Really good.
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awsome really liked it.
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Okays dude this was pretty damn good
It kind of reminds me of the prince of egypt
It was well written (of course lol), I still like your "first person view" style hehehe
So are they like going to fight a dragon That would be nice!!!
So hurry up with the next one NOW!!
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it was hard to read cus the colors were so bright
i highlighted it, and it was GREAT!!!!!!
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