* * *
Walk Out of My Heart [Your Eyes Are Screaming Goodbye]1
* * *2
Dear Nate,3
I’m sick and tired of writing about you. I hate how you make me feel. The words always flow too easily out of my head and onto the screen. I want to shut you out, block you from my thoughts.4
There are infinite stories just waiting to be written. When I pick up the pen, when I open a new document on my laptop, why do you have to be what comes out? No one cares about how we got so close. We could’ve had everything, we could’ve been the cutest couple, and we could’ve reached the stars together. Only we didn’t because we screwed it all up.5
Yeah okay, I will admit I messed it up too. I don’t know how exactly I did, but I did, and I regret that. I don’t know how to tell you this, baby, but I am over you. I’m done with it all. And yet, you still surround my world. Go away please, leave me alone.6
I want to write about the beauty in the world. There are butterflies, the sky, the little girl laughing, how the world looks from the top of the hill and too many more things. It would take me a million years to count them all. I can’t write about that because I’m busy telling everyone how you broke my heart, how you stomped all over me and how I’m stupid enough to let it matter.7
We were so close to having the best thing that would’ve ever happened to us. Now we’re miles apart and I still can’t get you out of my head.8
Please, Nate, this much I beg of you. Walk out of my heart when you walk away because your eyes are screaming goodbye and it’s killing me. I already know it hurts to breathe when you’re not around, but when you say goodbye it rips me up.9
Turn away, look away, I don’t want to see your face anymore. My head is swimming around in circles. It’s like a hurricane, just tossing around memories, wishes and things you said, things you did. Go away; I don’t want to remember you anymore.10
You can’t hurt me any more than you have and I can’t love you any longer than I can breathe. We’ve reached the end of something great. I will not cry for what we’ve lost but what we could’ve had. If only, if only, if only … all the possibilities running around inside my head – they make it impossible to sleep at night. I keep tossing and turning and wishing you were here, beside me, to make it all disappear.11
Baby, you made it so complicated. It’d been real simple if you told me how you felt. It would’ve been even simpler to just grab my hand and let me know you were there. Oh, I am so tired of writing about you. Why can’t you just let me be?12
I can’t relax anymore. Every time I close my eyes, all I see is you. You’re laughing, you’re smirking, you’re smiling and you’re crying. You shouldn’t be there anyhow. Give me back my peace of mind. Just slip away into the darkness. I won’t let anymore tears fall down if I don’t think of you.13
My heart pounds so much faster when I catch a glimpse of someone who looks kind of like you somewhere in the grocery store. I always panic and think, ‘What am I going to say?’ but then I remember you’re no longer around town. You left because you couldn’t deal with anything. I’m sorry to say, honey, that that is lame. Why don’t you just man up and come face-to-face with me? I won’t shatter in front of you.14
I won’t even crack in front of you. I’ll be smiling and pretending that it’s not killing me inside. And if you’re with another woman, then hey, congratulations to you. I’m working on moving on. But it’s so hard because …15
You’re everywhere to me.16
And I still love you.17
But your eyes are screaming goodbye anyway.18
Baby, we could’ve had the sky, we could’ve been the cutest couple alive, we could’ve reached the stars and you tossed it all away. Why weren’t you willing to try? Why didn’t you care enough? Why, why honey, why did you run scared? Was it something I said?19
I just want to reverse time, go back to when everything was still okay. I’d hold your hand, I’d hug your body and I’d wish that it would never end. I would tell you that nothing’s going to stop us now and that I love you more than you will ever imagine.20
Since I can’t, since I’m stuck with what has happened and what I am, I will stand tall. Maybe people will notice I’m not all together, maybe they’ll notice I’m not brand-new and maybe they’ll notice that I’m about to fall apart. I’m a wreck without you, a cleaner mess with you. Nate, I’ll stand up straight, I’ll hold my head up high and I’ll pretend you never hurt me.21
I can do that. I can play the most famous actress. I can pretend that nothing ever happened … on the outside. On the inside, I’ll secretly be dying more and more every minute that goes by.22
I wanted you to stay because I needed you. Now you’re gone and there’s nothing more I can say. I’m stuck here alone, wishing that you hadn’t got scared. I wrap a blanket around my shoulders and duck my head. I don’t want anyone to see the tears. I don’t want anyone to see me fall apart.23
Nate, I still love you. We’re not sixteen anymore but I would love to be sixteen forever if it meant I got a second chance – if it meant I could see your smiling face just once more.24
You’re gone, I’ll accept it eventually. It’ll just take me a while because you got wrapped around my heart so tightly, breathing without you is almost impossible.25
Still, I’m sick and tired of writing about you. So why don’t you get out of my head and leave my heart? I want some peace and relief tonight.26
Writing about you for the last time,27
Waverly.28
P.S.
Right now, you’re crying in my head … and I’m smiling.
Adding your comment:
Thanks!
