Laurysia: The Prophecy's Queen [Part One]

I awoke with a start, a cold sweat beaded on my forehead.  I cringed as my mind ran through the terrifying images that remained from the nightmare I’d witnessed seconds ago.1

A tall figure stood over my body, which was curled up in pain on the cold ground. He wore a hood, masking his face in darkness; making it impossible to identify him. In his hand was a staff about his height with a luminescent green gem attached to the end. Little light graced the dank chamber we were in. The land was unfamiliar to me, yet in the dream, I knew it well. With one swift swipe of his staff, the mysterious man stripped me of my gift. This was when I woke up.2

As I tried to calm my breathing, I held out my quivering hands and concentrated. I felt a need to check, to reassure myself. My hand started to tingle as fur sprouted from my ashen skin. Long retractable claws shot out from where my fingernails were. Relief washed over me. I was silly to doubt. I should have known my gift was stronger than some measly nightmare.3

I took a deep breath and concentrated again, this time putting all my effort into it. My bones extended, shortened, bent, and rearranged themselves. I fell down onto all fours. Morphed fully into a cat, I stretched my back into an arch, kneading my paws out in front of me, careful not to tear my sheets.4

It was only then that I noticed the time. I morphed back into my human form and got ready for school as fast as possible. I grabbed my over-stuffed backpack and rushed out the door.5

Snow covered our lawn and was piled on the roof of my uncle’s car. I hadn’t even thought to check the weather. I quickly nipped back inside, grabbed my coat and slipped on my boots.6

It was times like these that I wished people could know about my gift. It would be so useful to simply morph into a cheetah and sprint the whole way to school. Then I might have a chance of making it. But not even my dear uncle knows about my secret ability. The only people who ever knew were my parents. And they took it with them to the grave when they died on my eighth birthday.7

The halls of J.S. Williams High were empty by the time I got there. I glanced at the hallway clock. Class had started ten minutes ago. I headed to the office to acquire a late slip.8

“Good morning, Felicity,” Sheryl, our school secretary, called out to me as I entered the office.9

“Good morning.” I replied. “May I please have a late slip?” As Sheryl filled out the slip, I eavesdropped. Mr. Dupree, our principle, had left his office door ajar.10

“…I sincerely hope you like it here, Noah. Let me just get Sheryl to find someone to show you around for today.”11

Sheryl handed me the slip and I discretely dashed for the door. Yes, being the typical “good student” had its perks, but the faculties at my school are always asking me for favors. I could only foresee what would happen if Mr. Dupree came out and I was standing right there. There would be no evading a day with the new kid. It’s not that I don’t want him to feel welcome. I just don’t take kindly to people staring at me, which they inevitably will if I’m landed with a new student.12

Just as my hand reached out for the door handle, I heard Mr. Dupree call my name. “Felicity! Just the person I wanted to see.”13

I turned slowly to face him and the new student who towered at least a foot over our petite principle.14

“Yes, Mr. Dupree?” I replied.15

“Could you show Noah around for today,” he said, pointing to the new student beside him. “Just show him to his classes and such.”16

“Yeah, sure, Mr. Dupree.” I said, trying to hide my distaste for the situation.17

“Excellent.” Mr. Dupree turned to Noah, handing him a form, “Noah, have all your teachers sign this and bring it back to Sheryl,” he gestured to the plump lady sitting behind the reception desk, “at the end of the day.”18

Noah nodded. Mr. Dupree returned to his office and Noah took that as his cue to walk over to me. He held out his hand for me to shake, politely. I shook it, taken aback by his good manners. “Nice to meet you, Felicity.”19

“You too.” I said, shyly. “Do you have a schedule?”20

“Yes.” He said, pulling it out of his messenger bag. “Here it is.”21

I glanced at his first period teacher. “Mr. Callahan.” I read out loud. 22

“Follow me.” I lead him down the abnormally wide halls, at least for a school of only about a hundred students, “You’ll only make it for the last ten minutes...but at least you’ll know where to go next time.” I stopped in front of classroom number seven. “I’ll meet you here at the end of the period.”23

“Okay.” He said, watching me turn to go. “Hey,” he called as I rounded the corner.24

I turned to look at him. He gave me an honest smile, making his face light up entirely, “thanks.”25

All of a sudden, I was glad Noah had become my shadow. I couldn’t fathom why, but I genuinely meant it when I said, “you’re welcome.”26

Author notes

This is a fantasy/romance piece I am writing based on a dream I had a while back.

Contest: "Magical Flying Pigs" I read the rules.

Link to the next part:
http://storywrite.com/story/288668

In a list

A contest entry

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    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
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Comments

1 - 35 of 35

  • wierdlikthat
    July 14

    Edit | Reply
    This was really good!! Although, I do wish it had more of the whole morphing thing in there but, whatever. This was a really good entery. It made me want to know more about Felicity, like, are their any more people like hey and why does she have these gifts. I'll deffinately try to keep up with this story and read more.
    =]
    Thanks for entering!!


  • toolenduso
    June 30
    Edit | Reply
    And one thing to consider changing: I don't know if you meant to do this, but you essentially said in the story that the class periods of the school are only 25 minutes long, as the character arrives ten minutes late and tells Noah he'll only be in the class for about ten minutes. I mean, I don't know if my school's really weird but are class periods are 90 minutes.

    • Thank you for pointing that out!

      I didn't realize this. I guess in my mind the conversing in the office took some time. But it wouldn't really. I'll have to fix this. And 90 minutes?! That IS weird. mine are all 45 minutes...but still, this is a good point. Thanks!

  • toolenduso
    June 30

    Edit | Reply
    Felicity...bwahahahahaha!

    Ah, but it was good. I think the flow of the story is definitely it's strong suit. It flows strikingly well, especially for a story that starts out dark and strange and then turns to a more conventional place.

    So thanks for entering, and good luck in the contest!

    Style: 9/10
    Flow: 10/10
    Uniqueness: 4/5
    Readability: 7/7
    Effect: 7/10
    Lack of Errors: 3/3
    Personal Score: 3/5
    Total: 43/50


  • colinlinder
    June 25

    Edit | Reply
    I think you need to spend a little more time being more descriptive on the morphing process. It would be fine to be that short if this were flash fiction, but as it's obviously integral to the storyline, it needs more emphasis in a longer piece.
    One sentence (P4: My bones extended, shortened, bent, and rearranged themselves) is not enough to make me identify with the characters abilities.


  • CareBearJah
    June 22
    Edit | Reply
    Awesome write! Great Job!!!


  • Karbear12345 silver member
    June 20

    Edit | Reply

    GREAT JOB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    that was the best story ever please write some more please you are the best writer ever i pray for you you ARE the BEST You YOU are the best writer ever i swear i want tobe your friend please give me a chance please I will love to read all your story you are the best writer ever i meant please write some more please you are the best

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.


  • Lekos Memory
    June 14

    Edit | Reply
    Thanks for entering this into another contest of mine. I really enjoyed reading it. I can't wait to see more of this. I think it makes a great start for a very good story.

    Thanks again


  • Raeyle
    June 12

    Edit | Reply
    I think is a really nice opening. Gives some information away in terms of it lets you know her secret up front and presents some of the dilemmas she faces having it. Hints at some other plot twists that might happen, if Noah is the man from her dream or a descendant or if he will be the one who will learn of her gift.
    Nice write. I look forward to reading more

  • Nice good writing, I would love to read more!


  • Emelite
    June 12

    Edit | Reply
    interesting. will be reading more of this. i like this style of writing, short and straight to the point, not beating around the bush. nice and cute, i like this(:

  • This is really good. I liked it


  • the class
    June 6

    Edit | Reply
    This is really good, a bit short, but that doesn't matter. You described the cat morphing well, and I genuinely want to read more. Well done

  • Wow

    This is very good!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    I had a lot of detail I could really picture it in my head. Nicely written Keep on writting!!!!!!!!!


    -Songbird

  • Thats lovely. well done! Good luck in the contest!

  • Good Start

    It's a good start, there's a lot of discription, a lot of emotions. There is nothing that I really want to comment on, you just might want to go back and make sure you do a revision. But other than that, great job!

    Great job, keep writing!
    Summer

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.

  • I like it. I had good flow, but I'd add more descriptions to the morphing scene and just the scenery in general. All in all, it's a wonderful little beginning, but the added Oomph! of beautiful imagery will do more so to suck the reader in. You a good writer and you will have to inform me when you continue this lil' peace.

    - Dakota S. Carran

  • That's a very original fantasy story. Modern day fantasy makes things much more interesting to most readers and the modern problems in life are what can get in the way. I was expecting that Noah would be in the same class with Felicity, like they usually do in stories, but you didn't and that's what makes it original! Perhaps when you get further on into the story you could make it more fantasy, because right now all I know is that something or someone killed her parents on her birthday, and I have to admit, they couldn't have both died on the same day on her birthday, right?
    And the fact that the dream of her gift being lost... well, it was a very interesting story! You have a chance of winning this contest. We'll see. Good luck!

    • Thank you!

      So far, the fantasy element isn't that evident in the story. But it will become more obvious in the later parts.
      And yes, her parents both dying on her birthday is a bit cliche. But it is possible. As will be explained later in the story, they died in a car crash.
      Thank you so much for your critique!

  • Judges Comment

    Very nice story you got here. Dreams can do amazing things to the brain. This had me interested from start to finish. A delightful read.

  • Dreams are the best way to get ideas for stories. I had this one dream about this dog named Kool-aid and he haunted this parking lot and you had to give kool-aid before he kill you. Strange dream, might work on it and see what I can make from it. Sorry off topic, that's how I roll.

    You have great descriptions. Some authors either load you with details or don't give you enough. This is just right.

    Thanks for entering this into my contest.


  • Violette silver member
    May 19

    Edit | Reply

    ooooo

    Well done. Had me hooked from start to finish. Really well done, this is definately being short listed into the top ten. Your style of writing is superb. great description, phrasing and sentence structure. Good luck!

  • I thought it was very good so far. I'm excited to see where it will go! Good luck!

  • The description is just a tad too matter-of-fact. The way you describe things in the first person makes the character seem almost a little bland. Maybe you should be a little more conscious of your word choice. Still, it's not bad. Thank you for entering!

  • This is really well written, I hope you continue it :]

  • Awesome

    This is so cool!

  • Oooh.
    I absolutely LOVE the plotline- even if it isn't exactly clear, it looks like it's gonna lead to something good.
    I can't wait for the next chapter!

    • Thank you so much.
      And I know the plot line isn't exactly clear yet. I hope it will become clearer in the chapters to follow!

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