Lost in the mists of antiquity there was an age in the land known as Jun, when dragons and other fantastic beasts walked the earth. Among the men of that time one race stood far above the rest, the Askhani. Because of their thirst for knowledge and a willingness to share the benefits that derived from their studies, they were accounted as wise men and women, or in the speech of that day, Sorcerers and Sorceresses. And the things they did, beyond the ken of other men, were called magic. The Askhani held it a sacred duty to spread enlightenment among the other peoples, and to that end, tamed the mighty dragons to carry them on their journeys. 1
When young Askhani completed their studies at one of the many academies they were sent abroad in pairs, one male and one female, for a period of five years. During these sojourns they established academies and taught their arts to those with the aptitude and dedication to learn, for not all possessed it. So it went for uncounted years, until all nations were filled with magic and those who practiced it. 2
The Askhani still led the way, delving ever deeper into the powers of the universe and endeavoring to bend them to their will. And in that striving the Askhani found themselves at times overmastered by the immense powers they sought to control and great calamities were loosed upon their lands.3
The wounded earth slowly died for miles around them and the waterways issuing from their lands became fouled. What life remained in the polluted streams was unwholesome and sickened those who partook of it. The Askhani were unheeding, and only when the land would no longer support them did they take thought of it. 4
It was asked in their council chambers. “Have not those who stand below us benefited from our work and has this not incurred a debt from days long past?” And all agreed that this was so on both counts. “Then in our need has not the time of recompense come?” And again all were in agreement. In their pride and arrogance they imposed a levy on their neighbors and created an Order of Collectors to see that the tribute was paid… willing or no. The people bowed before the thinly veiled threats of the Collectors and made up the tally, though grudgingly. 5
And the Askhani continued single-mindedly in their quest and explored ever further, until they entered realms in which none save Gods should tread. As their power grew, so too grew the consequences when they erred and the damages caused were more devastating and reached far into their neighbors lands.6
Their neighbors protested the loss of life and the ever-encroaching pollution that crept from Askhani lands. Brute squads were sent among the dissenters to restore order and ‘pacify’ the rabble. The peoples round about were subjugated and Askhani oppression spread like a cancer, infecting more and more lands.7
The Sorceress’ Council was the first to openly rebel and its members were overpowered and imprisoned. And then the Red dragons declared war on their masters, for they would not abide evil and in the dragons eyes their masters had become evil. The Askhani used the blackest of their arts to fight the Red dragons, the king vowing to wipe the race from the earth. In the final battle, fought in the rookery, the last red female, mortally wounded, turned her fiery breath on the eggs destroying them.8
The world’s leaders, those not yet under the Askhani yoke, gathered their men at arms about them and a vast host assembled before the soaring walls of Arkmala, the Askhani stronghold and in a loud voice cried out, “No more.”9
The Askhani king, wrapped in the cloak of his great power and thinking himself invulnerable, looked out on the host with disdain and felt no fear. And the councilors said. “We need but send this mob away with their tails between their legs and our mastery will be complete.” But the free men would not yield and war was loosed upon the world.10
After many battles, the Askhani had been defeated, but the land of Jun lay devastated. The most powerful sorcerers of the time combined their energies to open a portal and the Askhani were exiled into an alien world. The portal was sealed and those sorcerers headed a group of select warriors and stood guard to insure the Askhani never troubled Jun again.11
This is the story of a young boy’s journey into manhood. Becoming the one power that would determine the fate of a world when the Askhani broke free of their long imprisonment. 12
Author notes
Ch.1 http://storywrite.com/story/288276
A contest entry
- Do you want to continue your story? by Violette.
150 points, ended May 19, 15 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Prologues and chapter ones... by Lekos Memory.
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Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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OOH! I LIKE the opening paragraph!
para 8: Need a comma after eggs in the last sentence. But I like that image.
I'm not sure whether or not i l;ike the last paragraph - it told me what the rest of the novel is about, and made me want to read on, but it seemed a bit flat after the description in the rest. I'd keep it there, but edit it to make it fit in a bit better -
Hi, you directed me to this piece after reviewing my attempts at a prologue.
Hmmm ... I'm undecided about this. On side of me says "wow, this is a great prologue and introduction to your world", whereas another part says "actually ... no ... maybe it works for this story, in this context, but not as a template for everything".
It is very good writing, and very intruiging, but works only, I think, because there is a story to tell before your story. With mine, however, there is no particular previous story. It just begins. Perhaps that is what I'm struggling with. Most stories don't just 'begin'. This sounds a bit like a recap on what has happened in a previous book, if you know what I mean. Not that that's a bad thing, but that's not the effect I'm looking for in my prologue.
There are a few bits of clumsy writing here, but I'm not reviewing it for that, so I won't go on. It does intruige me, interest me, make me want to read on, but I don't think this is what I have in mind when writing or planning a prologue. I want my prologue to be part of the story. Maybe I should scrap the idea of a prologue and just begin with Chapter 1 (which will be changed drastically soon).
On the other hand, I have just written another try at a prologue. I would be grateful if you would assess this one: http://storywrite.com/story/323454 when you can find the time.
Thanks!
~Horanzu xxx
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In p.5 I belive it would be better that a - was inserted instlead of a ... " the tribute was paidwillingly or no."
This prologue was awsome!!! Some aspects almost remind me of Terry Brook's "Elfstones of Shannara". The way you build it up to the end was excellent. This prologue makes me want to keep on reading. If you have the 1st chapter i would be happy to read it
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Oh I'd love to read more. This is a fantastic beginning to a story. you have an amazing vocabulary and are a good writer. Keep it up. I want to read more and learn about this boy who has a destiny.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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SWEETNESS! awesome story, gotta love the dragons!
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Omg there's dragons in the story. I just can't get enough dragons. Thank you for entering this into my contest and in my group. I love it and keep writing it.
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Most definately
You are a great writer. Your vocabulary is fantastic, you've really broadened out. It really helps a reader like me connect. Well done. -
Wow
Wow. . . Not much else to say.
I love your style of writing! This story is really, really well thought out. When I have the time I'll read more.
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