The Forgotten~~~ A bit long~~~Please give me honest criticism

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Ok so this isn;t finished yet but i wanted some feed back on what people thought. If people don't like it then i won't really devote time to finishing it. I hope you enjoy and sorry if anyone is offended with the graphic nature.

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• Saturnine Serenity
  July 17, 2005
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  Intriguing

  Well, I'm not going to be able to critique like Scindr (which was extremely helpful I'm sure), but I just wanted to say that I thoroughly enjoyed your story. It was not too long at all, because it was very fast-paced. I'm almost postive that Scindr covered all of the revisions that I would have made. Personally, I like a whole lot of background information, and maybe you could have added some history to the girl, but then again, it's how your writing style is, and maybe the girl isn't important at all. Regardless, I'd love to read this when it's finished, so keep us all posted!
• Scindr
  July 17, 2005
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  This is a detailed review of your work. The story is solid and makes sense all the way through. You have provided a good hook for the opening. Throughout the story you are able to weave a plot of intrigue. I would read up on crime scene investigation a little, to give it a little more realism. It seemed just a little flat, and a little condensed.
  
  I enjoyed this story and you should work at it. If you need any help with the revisions or my comments, please let me know.
  
  I used Harbrace for the revision codes. 12 is a comma. 13 is a period. 13c I think is an exclimation point. 33e is general revision. SP is spelling. POV is point of view shift.
  
  You have done well here and are well on your way to an excellent story. Keep it up, fellow ink slinger!
  
  She was walking [walked] through the fields following the bike path set down by the council workers,[13 not 12] She had left home some twenty minutes ago and was now directly behind the new estate that was currently in the progress of being built. She always hated this part of her walk[12] as it left her completely alone in the silence and shadow of night. This time felt worse[13] however, She had had [a]feeling for the last week of being followed and just now was she alone and [now] regretting[ed] the mistake of not listening to her instincts. She was clinging [clung] to the side of the path closest to the river[13] that was only just a few metres away, Her philosophy was[12] that if someone attacked her she could run into the river and drift away to safety. The river always flowed rather heavy[confusing word for your description] this time of the year[12] when the rain and cold was almost constant.
  She was not paranoid[12] though someone was really following her,[13 not 12] He was a killer and this is his story. [we don’t know who was following her, and this information is out of context for the story. There is no way for us to know that he was a killer, unless we knew he had killed in the past. If you wanted the reader to think there was a killer there, you could have her think about the news bulletin she heard or a newspaper she read about a killer running around. That way the reader makes the assumption.]
  
  The man stepped back into the shadows[12] as she glanced around checking[ed] for followers. He had waited[Point of view shift. This is up to you, if you let him think here, then his point of view needs to be included from here on in the story. If you want it from her point of view only, this needs to be edited slightly] for this moment for three months and he wasn’t going to let it go now by rushing into things. He had stalked her for so long fantasizing[SP, POV] this moment a few more minutes to allow her to be exposed would not mater. As she walked on, her pace faster[confusing word, maybe use quickened] than it had been before,[13 not 12] He began to imagine [POV shift] the moment when he would take her for himself. He pictured her flowing[12] honeysuckle hair, those [her] brown piercing eyes, [and] the supple skin [that] covering[ed] her athletic body[13] He could picture her in any way he wanted,[13 not 12] Three months of watching someone would do that to you.
  In a state of bliss[12] he stepped out of the darkness silently [he] and into the light behind her, grabbing[ed] her head before she could move,[13 not 12] There was no hope for the poor girl.
  She squirmed in his grasp[12] but [that] only drove his passion on[13] tightening [with 13 there, you will start a sentence with “tightening”, which is a prepositional phrase, which is poor grammer. This sentence needs work.] his grip on her both physically and mentally every minute she spent in his arms was a minute closer to her surrender. He leant[ed] in close to her ear[12] and whispered softly[12] “Your mine[13]” and with that He drew his sleek dagger from his belt and pulled it across her silken neck.
  The cut was not serious[12] but the blood loss would be,[13 not 12] He knew this, it was what he had planned [this previous sentence just reads weird, you might want to rethink it]. Having[Prepositional phrase] thought she was defeated[12] he loosened his grip and received an elbow sharply in the stomach. The girl clasped at her neck and ran [the feeling was that she was pinned, she elbowed him and then ran? But it does not say she got up. It is just a little confusing] for the river’s security[12] hoping to be able to hide among the grass reeds[12] while the river gently led her away from the mysterious[how do we know he was mysterious?] killer. As she dived [dove] towards the water[12] she lost sight of the man that had done [who did] this to her,[13 not 12] She was not expecting his strong arms to reach around her waist and pull her down to the harsh barren land. There was a brief struggle for dominance[12] but the killer was only fuelled by this[13] where as [Whereas] the girl was exhausted by the ordeal,[13 not 12] Finally the man landed on top and muffled her gurgled cries for help. He once again brought his dagger into view[12] but instead of killing her as she had hoped, he slowly dragged the blade along her once picturesque face[12] cutting markings into her skin. As she lie with her eyes closed[12] the drying blood sealing them that way,[13 not 12] She felt the pressure on her chest disappear[ed] as the killer left in satisfaction[13] and With one last attempt to cry out[12] the life faded from her body.
  
  The field was glowing with the eerie flashing blue and red lights,[13 not 12] The trees were casting [cast]shadows across the faces of the sombre[SP] policemen. [it is better to describe the appearance or faces of the police, than to just state that they were “somber”, once again, this lets the reader decide the emotion.]
  “Okay[12] get that tape up quick[13] We don’t want any contamination at this scene,[13 not 12] Section off this whole area[13]” a [The] tall[12] slender man was barking[ed] out orders to the scurrying men[13] around him, He was wearing [wore] a captain’s uniform and black leather[12] driving gloves. His face was that of a gentleman[12] [with] welcoming brown eyes and soft crew cut black hair,[13 not 12] He would have been attractive[12] if not for the large scar across his left eye. He stepped up to where the girl’s mangled corpse was lying[12] and knelt down beside the medical examiner, [who was] a scruffy looking girl with black rimmed glasses and auburn short hair.
  “Same as before?” The captain asked her[12] while brushing the hair from the girl’s face[13]
  “Yep,[13 not 12] The markings are identical to the last one, she fought though[13]” The examiner replied[12] while pointing out the marking[s] etched into the girl’s skin.
  “How do you know?” The captain asked[13] Even though he had an idea,[no 12] [that] he had been following this murderer since the beginning and knew[POV shift] how he worked.
  “The girl was pinned down
  
  [I would work on this dialog a little. You could say:
  “The girl was pinned.”
  “How do you know?”
  “See those marks on her wrists, they are just like the marks we see in cases like this where the victim was pinned.”
  “I am glad you are here to spot these small details.” The captain said.
  “Captian, this case is different though..” The examiner said.
  “It was not in the light?” He asked.
  “Yes. This time he committed the act in a over there, in the shadows.”
  “Do you think she ran?”
  The examiner took a last look at the body and scene. “See the blood,” she started, “he cut her first here, then she ran. It looks like her pursued her and finished her where she lies now.”
  -this allows for a more “realistic” dialog. You are doing well, just keep working at it]
  
  you see the bruises on her wrists?” The examiner pointed out as the captain nodded “Also if you notice every other victim was killed in a well lit area somewhere the killer is easily seen. This one was in the shadows hidden and the blood trail is spotty meaning she ran away.” The women stood up and packed away her tools as the body was placed in a body bag and [then] into the ambulance ready for transport to the morgue.
  “I noticed. If you find anything ring me right away alright” The captain told the examiner[13]
  “I always do[12] John,[13 not 12]” She said smiling sweetly and nervously [again, description of the look is so much more powerful] at the same time[13]
  “Yeah[12] you do. Thanks Kylie[13]” Captain John Parker said [as he] flashing[ed] Kylie a handsome smile back. Kylie and John have [had] worked together for some time now[12] and there mutual attraction was growing each time they met. [33e]
  “Captain[12] over here[13c?]” The voice snappedJohn out of his trance[13] and He jogged over to a young constable[12] new to the job[12] who was searching by the river.
  “What have you got[12] Tempis?” He asked the young constable Tempis.
  “We found this down by the drain pipes[12] it could belong to the purp[13]” He said holding up a mud covered hankerchief.
  
  [this sudden shift from one scene to another needs a visible break for the reader. A common one is a blank line then “ *” centered on the page. This break and insight into the mans motives and POV, allows for the earlier POV shifts and makes them acceptable]
  
  The man skulked into the dark, dismal street avoiding the street lights[13] He kept to the shadows [and] He crossed the road in front of an old derelict[12] double story house[13] and[He] entered through the side door[12] which was almost hanging from[off] the hinges. The room he was standing in[12] was a kitchen of sorts,[13 not 12] The stove and fridge were tarnished and no longer working[13] and The floor and walls were on the verge of [complete] decay. He called it home however[12] and as he made his way into the living room[12] [he] removing[ed] his jacket and throwing [threw] it to the disintegrating couch[13] He salivated in the memories of his hunt.
  
• 
  B Unit Villian
  July 17, 2005
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  do not stop writing this. DO NOT STOP Writing this, u keep it up and im sure people will be back her and asking for more more and more i love this story,
  She squirmed in his grasp but only drove his passion on tightening his grip on her both physically and mentally every minute she spent in his arms was a minute closer to her surrender.....i love that and then ur words when he was strangling her and her fighting back,,,,,need i say more besides great job and i cant wait to read the finished copy
• 
  PurpleBunny
  July 17, 2005
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  Bookmarked for later
• thepoisonpen
  July 14, 2005
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  crime is my favorite!

  YES keep writing it! dont b discouraged, no one comments on my mystery ones as well. i guess crime doesn't really interest ppl on this site! cant u believe it! its my favorite thing to read about. love sux most of the time..so typical. anyways i will keep reading this story if u keep it up..even if u only hav on customer..hehe..lol. good luck!!