All the Kids Are Doing It

Her life was entirely worthless. She verbally bullied her friends behind their backs. She never gave to charity. She only bathed once a day, and, worst of all, she bit her fingernails. Nobody wanted her. In her mind, living was pointless, so she decided it would be for the best if she ended her own life, rather than waiting 70 years only to die poor and lonely. 1

The haphazardly formed noose hung from a hook on her ceiling. It was an odd place for a hook, especially one attached to the rafters. She positioned her short stool under the rope, and stood upon it. She couldn’t quite reach, so she left for the kitchen and emerged with one of her mother’s soft dining room chairs. Still, its height was inadequate. This, of course, led to an hour-long search for the perfect elevation. In the end, the winning contraption was a large cardboard box topped off with approximately ten different textbooks that she had accumulated throughout her high school career. It was quite a feat to lift her body to the top of the pile, and it was even harder to keep her balance.2

This was perfect. No dilly-dallying around or waiting until the right moment. Pulling the noose around her neck would be completely finalizing. The rope went taut as she kicked away her most treasured educational materials. It hurt considerably, which she hadn’t planned on, but after a minute of flailing, it was over.3

“Oh my God! Have you guys heard about Jenny? It’s so creepy!” This would be Gloria’s introductory sentence for the rest of the day. 4

“I can’t believe she’s really gone,” sobbed Adriana. “I loved her like a sister!”5

“She’ll always be in my heart,” exclaimed Jean.6

“She was the most amazing person,” said Donnie. “I still remember that one time when we ate pancakes together at lunch. I felt like we really connected.”7

“She had so many talents!” explained Patricia. “She could sew and knit, and when it came to cleaning, she was better than any maid! I wish I was half as talented as she was!”8

The truth is, during Jenny’s short life, she had encountered Gloria, Adriana, Jean, Donnie, and Patricia approximately fifty times total. She was like a celebrity, splashed across the front page of the school newspaper and even given two whole pages in that year’s yearbook. After years of being an outcast, she was finally a member of the in-crowd. She was dead, and now knowing her was like doing a live interview with Walter Cronkite. 9

The funeral was beautiful; she would’ve bawled like a baby. The First Church of Christian stereotypes in Auburn, Nebraska boasted record attendance that day; nearly 90% of the student body showed up. The pastor delivering the eulogy included the obligatory altar call, during which 10% of the attendees made their way to the front. Everyone put on their sad faces, but the after-party was full of jovial laughter and alcohol consumption. 10

The next day, the whole school was still in an uproar over Jenny’s death. There was a class meeting during first period in the auditorium.11

“…and we will always remember Jenny. If not for her extraordinary talent, then for her beautiful smile and academic excellence,” the principle recited behind a glowing frame of her angelic face. “Now, I want you all to know that suicide isn’t the answer. If you need to talk to someone, pay a visit to our guidance office, and take a number.”12

The office was filled with fake tears and soaked tissues that day. The counselors attempted to remain sympathetic, but after a five-student sob-out, they were all left rolling their eyes.13

Patricia and Adriana strolled through the hallways on their way to second period. They knew they wouldn’t be counted tardy on account of “grieving”. 14

Patricia was a cheerleader. She was, perhaps, the most important cheerleader at Auburn high. Her cheers drove their football team to at least three victories this season. Everyone wanted to be her friend, and she instigated all the latest fashion trends. Adriana was her partner in crime, as well as class president. 15

“How disgusting!” shouted Patricia as the two of them passed by a minor flock of nerds. “Just look at those giant glasses.”16

“Ewww,” groaned Adriana. “I just wanna rip them off and step on them.”17

The nerds acted oblivious, but they weren’t deaf. Brett, the figurehead of the tech club, rested his back against his locker as he discussed the upcoming programming test, all the while inching his glasses further up his forehead and snorting every time he let out a chuckle.18

“You know, that Jenny girl is pretty cool,” stated Brett’s nerd counterpart.19

“Yeah, I wish I could be just like her,” said Brett. “I mean, I’m a loser too. Just look at the people I hang out with.”20

“Hey!” cried another nerd.21

“I’m just kidding. I don’t know, I think maybe kicking the bucket would be kind of fun. Aren’t you interested in what happens after you die? It’d be cool to have my own private section of the yearbook too.”22

“You should totally do it!” shouted yet another nerd.23

“You know what? I think I will. Why don’t you guys come over after school and we’ll work on my suicide note.”24

At 3:30, Brett and his closest friends gathered around the computer in his room as he typed up his rough draft of what would be his final farewell. They were all very excited. In a few short hours, their friend would be immortalized in the annals of Auburn high history. 25

Each of them had raided their medicine cabinets in order to obtain as many pills as possible. He sat at the foot of his bed with a glass of water, trying to force down the first bottle of painkillers, as the others cheered him on. Once he had finished the final dose, he laid back and relaxed. 26

They crowded around his bed, probing for a play-by-play update on what he was feeling. When the final moments arrived, the nerds looked on in amazement as their friend foamed at the mouth and let forth a disgusting belch. They waited a few minutes, felt his pulse, and then went downstairs to deliver the news to his parents. They took it pretty well, all things considered. His parents were quite young, so they figured they’d just try again. 27

“You know that really smart guy named Brett? He killed himself! Isn’t that crazy?” Gloria’s headline was more of the same.28

“He was kind of hot,” said Adriana. “I always wanted to go out with him. What a nice guy.”29

“He was so cool,” replied Donnie. “He was really good at programming. I was failing that class!”30

Donnie was an all-star athlete. He was only a junior and had already received numerous offers from colleges all around the state to play football. Donnie and Adriana, lovers since the sixth grade, met outside after school. 31

“I’ve been doing some thinking Adriana. I don’t think we should see each other anymore.” Donnie was obviously joking.32

“Ha ha, funny boy. What should we do tonight?” Adriana had a sense of humor.33

“Well, I have a little surprise for you. It’s our five year anniversary tomorrow!”34

“I can’t wait!”35

“Just come over at nine in the morning tomorrow, and I’ll show you what I mean.”36

As she walked into his room, she found him standing next to a huge barrel. With the press of a button, his house and all those surrounding it were blown to smithereens. 37

I think you can guess how the next part goes. 38

Then there was Timmy. A social outcast in every sense of the phrase. His awkward demeanor wasn’t exactly attractive, and the only kids who would even stoop to converse with him were the ones beating him up every day after gym class. With some of them, bullying Timmy had become a sort of hobby. He was such an easy target, and he took his punches well. To the bullies, he was a pretty cool guy. Of course, they’d never tell him that. It would ruin the fun. 39

As he stood on the edge of his roof, Timmy thought about what death would be like. In the end, he decided he didn’t care. It had to be better than high school.40

“Ha ha, did you hear about Timmy?” asked Jean. “It’s just too funny! When I heard the news yesterday, I laughed for nearly half an hour! Oh God, what a riot!”41

“I know, right?” said Patricia. “What a nitwit! I heard that his suicide note read ‘I hate you all’. How pathetic is that? Even Jenny’s was cooler than that.”42

“How much do you know?”43

“All I heard was that he jumped off his roof. From what I understand, he’s in the hospital, covered in bandages from head to toe. What a hoot! It’s just so pathetic.”44

The suicides continued throughout the rest of the school year. All the cool people were dead, and Auburn high missed them dearly. Even the French teacher overdosed. Graduation day was exceptionally special. The part of the ceremony honoring the departed lasted three hours. 45

“I can’t wait Julie,” whispered Gerard excitedly as he sat with his girlfriend in the front row of gym. “Only fifteen minutes!”46

“Don’t get too excited. It may not work,” Julie said. “We didn’t have much time to think this through.”47

Gerard was in the process of shaking the principle’s hand as Julie whipped out her gun and shot herself. It caused a massive uproar, and Gerard ran to her side, grabbing the gun and spilling his brains all over the other graduates.48

On the national news the next day, the story of Auburn high finally got out. Nobody could understand why it happened. The entire nation was intrigued by these shameless acts of self-annihilation. NBC aired a three hours special in which they honored all those who died in the suicide epidemic. 49

First, they honored Brett.50

“ Brett was a popular, brilliant student. His love of mechanics will always be remembered.”51

Jenny.52

“Jenny was a social butterfly. She made friends easily, and volunteered at the local homeless shelter at least twice a week.”53

Donnie.54

“Donnie was the greatest basketball player Auburn had ever known. He always strode for academic perfection. His love of life inspired all those around him.”55

Patricia.56

“Patricia loved small animals. Her hobbies included dancing, singing, and laughing.”57

Gerard.58

“Gerard was always seen with a smile on his face. He was a giant fan of reading.”59

Adriana.60

“Adriana was always pure, and remained celibate, even to the end.”61

As you might expect, the surviving parents sobbed and sobbed during the airing of the program. It didn’t last. After all, they could always try again.62

Following the special, suicide epidemics began popping up all over America. Suicide was now officially cool. 63

Though they were gone, their legacy touched a nation. Randy Travis sang about it on his latest album, thrusting it into platinum status in only weeks. There was even a death metal band called “Auburn High”.64

It’s too bad they aren’t alive to enjoy it.65