1
Sir Charlie the knight was fairly intelligent, considering his profession. Then again, that’s not saying much. The phrase “round table of intellectuals” must have been coined by an illiterate person. His intelligence quotient aside, he was considered a valiant knight by most. 2
One day, Sir Charlie was riding his steed outside the kingdom. Alongside the path, he saw a beautiful young maiden. Her left leg was caught in a bear trap. As he approached her, he saw that she had passed out, partially due to a lack of blood, and the large amount of brutal carnage before her. Realizing he was outside his jurisdiction, he decided that she wasn’t worth the trouble. Sure, her face was beautiful, but that leg would prove to be a problem in the future. Besides, he was married. In lieu of this, he trotted on by. 3
That night, he related his day to his wife. “What is wrong with you?” She said. “She’s probably dead by now! It wouldn’t have hurt you to have given her a ride!”4
“Chill, woman!” He cried. “That’s not how I roll! Aren’t you the one who always nags at me about picking up hitchhikers?” 5
“This is different.”6
“How is this different?”7
“She was crippled! What was she going to do? Walk away?”8
“She was out of my jurisdiction!”9
“You’re pathetic. We’re getting a divorce!”10
“Honey, you know that’s illegal!”11
“Oh, I forgot. Well, I guess I could commit suicide…”12
“Good idea!”13
And with that, she went outside, grabbed a rope, and did the deed. With this great weight lifted off his shoulders, he slept well.14
The next morning, when he awoke, rested and ready for the day, he began to feel guilty about the day before. He decided to see if the woman alongside the road was still alive. With his wife out of the way, she could be a potential mate once her leg healed. When he arrived, she was still there, in the exact same position as before. He felt her pulse, and discovered that she was still alive, but very unconscious. He grabbed the trap and freed her leg. After this, she woke up.15
“Why, thank you, fair knight! If you hadn’t come by, I might have died!”16
“Actually…”17
“Say nothing more!” She shouted. She grabbed his neck and kissed him on the lips.18
“Get back! You’re getting blood all over me! Hold on a second…” He reached down and tasted some of the blood. “This blood is fake! You tricked me!”19
“That’s right! I’m not really a beautiful young woman. I’m actually an ugly witch. I was testing you. You shall be greatly rewarded!”20
“I don’t want to be rewarded. I want to forget this ever happened. I feel violated. Hey, this fake blood tastes pretty good!” He bent over and began licking the fake blood off of her leg. 21
“Now, you must marry me! That is your reward! Look happy!”22
“So, let me get this straight. My ‘reward’ for rescuing you is to marry you. Correct? Is there any way out of this?”23
“No! I’m a powerful witch, and if you refuse, I will cast a spell on you, and make you ugly!”24
“Can’t you just kill me?”25
“No. If I did, I wouldn’t be able to marry you!”26
Sir Charlie was so distraught at the thought of marrying the ugly old woman that he took a gun out of his pocket, and put it to his head. 27
“Please don’t do that. I love you, and I want to marry you!”28
“Okay woman, this is what I’m talking about. You just met me, and you think you love me. That’s creepy.”29
“You may have just met me, but I didn’t just meet you. In fact, I’ve been following you for months now.”30
“What? You’re one creepy witch.”31
“Please don’t kill yourself!”32
“Well, if you hadn’t told me all of this stuff, I wouldn’t have considered it. Now I’m going to have to kill myself just to prove a point. The only honorable thing to do now is to go through with it.” As soon as he finished his sentence, he held the gun to his head, fired, and fell over. The old witch was shocked.33
“Why? Why does this always happen to me? Life isn’t worth living!” She grabbed the gun, and pulled the trigger, spilling her blood everywhere.34
Unfortunately for her, she neglected to realize that Sir Charlie was only playing dead. His first bullet was a blank, but the second was real. “Thank goodness that’s over! She was ugly!” He went home, and lived happily ever after as the only single knight in the history of the round table. 35
Author notes
It's pretty silly. Still, not that bad.
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