The Hollows

I. The Whore1

She was a decent fuck, but I wanted more. I paid her an extra fifty and some champagne to stay the night. I know, it’s not normal, but I love good company. Makes me feel like a newlywed again. Besides, I’d get some ideas for Sunday’s sermon. I always managed to incorporate seemingly innocent lessons learned through highly immoral experiences.2

“Yeah, I’m a pastor. So fucking what? What the hell difference does it make to anyone? At least I’m not a child-molesting Catholic freak.” I always get defensive when that subject comes up.3

“But how can you live with yourself?” 4

“How can I live with myself? Lady, you’re a fucking whore. You sell your body. You make money by fucking any guy with two hundred bucks in his pocket. How can you live with yourself?” Isn’t situational irony great?5

“You’re a dick, but you’re right.”6

“Seriously, what’s a woman like yourself doing on the skin market? You seem pretty intelligent and street-wise, and you’re not a ditz in any sense of the word. So, what the fuck?” I’d be lying if I said I had no idea why women choose this profession. It pays great, and you get to fuck lots.7

“It’s a long story…”8

“No it’s not. You just don’t want to tell me. I used to pull the same shit. Yeah, it’s a long story. Long if you beat around the bush. So, are you gonna tell me? We’ve got all night.” She looked so fine, lying there in her skimpy lingerie.9

“I don’t know…I’m not exactly supposed to tell you anything about myself, for security’s sake.”10

“I have this room for the rest of tomorrow, and as long as that faggot bellboy doesn’t come around for another peepshow, I doubt anyone else can hear us. You know, I don’t even know your name.” I didn’t really care. I just wanted to see what she’d say.11

“I’m a whore. I don’t have a name. That’s just not something you tell a client.” Come on!12

“Is that all I am to you?”13

“Yeah. What did you expect? Jesus. Anyway, I’ll start at the beginning.”14

I may as well tell you that my name’s Elizabeth. My slow descent into prostitution and all that great stuff started, I guess, when I was a small child. I’ll just say it. My dad was an alcoholic, and he touched me. I know it sounds typical, but this was different. He was a paranoid schizophrenic, so his “methods” were…different. 15

Some of this shit I don’t even remember, partially because I was so young, and partially because my mind doesn’t want to. He would come into my room, drunk as fuck, and sit in a chair next to my bed while I slept. He’d smoke the entire night, blowing it in my face, choking me in my sleep. Sometimes, he’d smoke an entire carton in one night. He had some crazy delusions, and he used to rotate his hands over and over, claiming he could control the universe. Then, there was the obligatory sexual abuse.16

From six to nine he touched me. From nine to twelve he would lick my body. Not even my “parts”. He would just lick my stomach and my back and all that weird shit. He got tired of his little fetish once I started developing, and he visited less often. When he did come, he’d fuck me and make me suck his dick. I’d cry and cry, but it did no good. I told my mother, and she told me it was a dream. I know my brothers knew, but they pretended it was a dream as well. It didn’t matter, because they moved out when I was pretty young. The only one who would listen was Ralph, the German Shephard we kept in the back yard.17

At one point, I told my eighth grade English teacher about this, since I was one of her favorite students. She told me I was lying for attention, and that I should be ashamed, as if I was capable of making that shit up. I cried, and for the rest of the year she graded my papers more harshly. I guess she called my parents, because the next day when I came home he was beating the shit out of my mother in the other room.18

Naturally, it was pretty traumatic, but not nearly as much as you might expect. The fact that I can talk about this with a near stranger is amazing.19

There was one night, however, that really got to me. That’s when I knew it had to end. I came home from a friend’s house, and his usual poker buddies were all there. They had never participated in the action, but I suspected he’d told them shit. They were all perverts, I knew that much.20

He was fucked up, on amphetamines I think, and he grabbed me and began ranting about how I was a terrible daughter, and that he had bought me a new toy for a bad girl. All the guys gave approving high fives. That’s when I noticed this other girl, about my age, sitting in the corner crying. He introduced her to me as Shelly, but I could tell it wasn’t her real name. They had this clearing set up on the floor, and all the guys gathered around. 21

My dad threw both of us onto the carpet and brought out the “new toy”. It was actually two toys, dildos, and he and three other guys tore off our clothes. I could hear my mother screaming. 22

“Untie me! Please! Untie me!”23

Once we were fully nude, they put one in her, and the other in me. The guys rhythmically penetrated us while shoving themselves into our mouths. They’d stop every so often to fuck us. It was sick, even by pornographic standards. At least they weren’t filming, as far as I know.24

He had done a lot of things to me throughout the years. A lot. I can withstand some pretty crazy shit, but this…this had gone too far.25

When they became bored, they grabbed us and threw us into the bathroom. My dad told us to wash up and closed the door, shoving a chair under the knob. I had the feeling we’d be in there a long time.26

She immediately crawled into the bathtub, clearly in shock. She was shivering, both from the cold and her lack of clothing, so I decided I’d try to calm her. It wouldn’t be easy. After our unwanted contact, I figured it was best not to touch her. I knew I had to make conversation, because she was beginning to ramble on about some pretty weird shit to herself, as if I wasn’t there.27

“I’m sorry.” That’s all I could think to say. 28

“I’m s-s-o-rr-y t-too.” She managed to get it out after three seconds of impatient silence.29

“I don’t think you should be sorry. It’s not your fault. Neither should I, because it’s not my fault either. Our parents are pervs. What can we do?” I knew what we could do, but I couldn’t think about that right now.30

“My parents aren’t pervs!” She seemed pretty sure of this. “My dad – he lives in L.A. My mom owns a place, down the road. I was walking to a friend’s house, and these guys, your dad, or whoever, called me over. Said they wanted to ask me a question. I think it was your dad who coaxed me, or whatever.”31

“I believe you.” 32

“I wouldn’t come any closer, so one of them ran over to me and before I could split they drug me into the house. You know the rest.”33

“Wait, your parents don’t abuse you?”34

“Not all of us have freak parents like yours!” It was true.35

“I’m…”36

“No, I’m sorry. I had no right to say that.” 37

“There’re a lot of freaks around here. You’d be surprised.” At the time I didn’t know the half of it, but I could guess.38

“Really? Hollow Oaks has always seemed pretty tame to me.” She must’ve just moved here. I could hear my mother screaming in the other room, and tried to ignore it.39

“So, what’s your real name?”40

Amidst the sniffly sobs she replied, “Effy.”41

“What?” I was taken aback by this name. I’ve heard a lot of strange names, but this one takes the cake.42

“That’s just what everyone calls me. My real name is Ephrath. It’s some woman in the Bible who was married to some guy…I don’t remember, but it’s from the Bible.” Yikes. This girl has REAL Christian parents. Now THAT’S scary.43

“Oh right, the Bible. Are your parents…?” I knew the answer, so I stopped myself. “Never mind. Forget I said that.”44

“No, it’s ok. What’s yours?”45

“I’m Elizabeth.”46

We sat there in virtual silence, save moans of agony, for what must have been an hour. I’m sure that for her it felt surreal, but it wasn’t like that for me. I had grown accustomed to it, at least as much as one can in those situations. Still, I wanted revenge. And I could hear the guys leaving.47

“Effy.”48

“Yes.”49

“What d’ya wanna do?”50

“What?”51

“What d’ya want to do?”52

“I…I don’t know. What should we do? The door’s locked.”53

“Kind of. There’s no real lock, so he used the chair trick. It’ll be nearly impossible to open, and it’s probably not worth the effort, but I have an idea.”54

“Anything. I’ll do anything.”55

“First, we take down both of those curtains. We’ll wear them if all else fails. There’s a junkyard near here. We can make it there fairly fast. Can you run?”56

“I think so, but…”57

“Just listen. The guys out there are beginning to vacate. I think there’s only one left if any, at least, as far as I can hear. In a second, we’re both going to scream. We’ll have to be loud. I mean, neighbors-calling-the-police loud. He’ll come in, screaming and shouting, ready to beat the shit out of me. I’ll most likely be his first priority.”58

“Wait, why the junkyard? Can’t we just run to a neighbor and call the police?”59

“Fuck the police. That group of perverts out there, out of all of ‘em, three are cops. If we call, we’re good as dead. Nobody can help us. Alright, so we scream like hell, and when he opens the door, we both push as hard as we can and plow him up against the wall. You’ll have to go first. I’ll stand behind you and hit him over the head with the curtain rod. He’s drunk, so this shouldn’t be too hard. And once he’s out, chances are he’ll be out for a long time.” I removed the rod from its place. It was surprisingly easy. Then again, everything in our house is cheap. My mom bought things for looks, not quality. 60

“Then what?”61

“Then we run.”62

“What about your mother?”63

“He won’t kill her. If he’ll kill anyone, it’ll be you. I know that’s not comforting, but you’re disposable to him. We’re far more valuable. He can abuse us all he wants, and nothing will really happen. At least, that’s what he thinks.” This better work. “Are you ready? Count of three. 1…” I heard a door close. “2…” I’m gonna kill that bastard. “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!”64

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!”65

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!”66

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!” He charged in.67

“RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!”68

“AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!” She advanced quickly, knocking him over, which I hadn’t planned for. I raised the rod. She dodged. I flung it down onto his head. It was plastic, but it was thick enough to do its job. He was knocked out cold, and my mother ran towards us.69

“STOP IT! He’s your father!” Why was she defending him?70

“Fuck you! What the hell is wrong with you! Fuck you, bitch!” I grabbed Effy and pushed my mother aside. As I did this, I could feel the tears pouring from her ducts. Was she crying for him?71

Since we had knocked him out cold, we had just enough time to grab some clothes. We were about the same size, and she followed me into my room, breathing heavily.72

“Put these on. Hurry!” It wasn’t necessary to say this, but we didn’t have much time. Once dressed, we ran out the door. I realized he wouldn’t be back for a while, so I stopped her. 73

“The junkyard’s right over there. We can walk now.”74

“Are you sure?”75

“Yeah, I’m sure. He won’t follow us.”76

We walked in silence until we had nearly reached our destination.77

“Elizabeth. What’re we doing here?”’78

“I’m friends with the people who own this place. I’ve got a safe hidden somewhere around here.” I sprinted over to the hiding spot and began twisting the knob. I opened it and pulled out a handgun and a knife.79

“Oh my gosh are you gonna kill him?!”80

“That’s the plan. This all ends here. We’ll get away with it, trust me. Remember, three of those guys are on the police force. If they caught us, we’d rat them out.”81

“You’ve thought this out, haven’t you. If we kill him, won’t that make us worse than him?”82

“Listen, I don’t know what kind of pampered suburban family you come from, but what you just experienced…it doesn’t even scratch the surface of what he’s done to me my entire life. Not even close. What he’s done to me…it’s worse than murder. Murdering him is the only way to move on. Believe me, I’ve had my doubts, but this is the only way.”83

“Then let’s do it.”84

“I’ve been waiting for an opportunity like this. I’m sorry you had to get involved. You can back out, I’ll understand.” I slipped the handgun down the front of my pants.85

“No! No, I want this too. Not just for me. If we let him live, there’s no telling who else he might hurt. Hand me the knife.”86

We walked back, once again, in silence. I opened the door.87

“He’s in the hall, right where you left him.” My mother couldn’t admit it to herself, but she wanted this as much as I did.88

“Wait. Mom, you don’t want to see this. Go to my room.”89

“No, I need to…”90

“No you don’t. Trust me, you don’t. It’s going to get ugly. Real, real ugly. I’ve got a whole clip with that son of a bitch’s name on it. I’m not going to kill him. I’m going to slaughter him. I’m going to desecrate his body and mutilate his corpse. He deserves nothing less.”91

“But…ok, I’ll go.”92

I heard the door shut and turned around to look at Effy.93

“Go to my parents’ bedroom, over there. You’ll find some rope in the closet. I already have it cut into four parts. Tie each to the four posts of the bed.” Without a word she followed orders.94

I had to make sure he was unconscious, but when I walked over I could tell he wasn’t coming back anytime soon. I dragged the body slowly into the bedroom. Effy must’ve been fast. We worked together to lift him onto the bed, and tied him up, one limb per post. He was beginning to come back.95

“Now, we wait. I want to hear him scream.” We each pulled up a chair. After ten minutes, he began writhing and shouting at us both, begging for mercy. We waited, stoically.96

“You bitch! Untie me right now before I fuck your pretty cunt! You’re gonna get it, you little bitch!”97

“No. You’re gonna get it. You son of a bitch! I’m not gonna take your shit anymore. You’re gonna die today you motherfucking piece of shit! You hear me?! I’m gonna wipe my ass with your insides!” I was red with rage, and I felt myself losing control. All the muscles in my face tensed up. I must’ve been a sight to behold.98

“Honey, don’t do this. I’m your father!” Honey? Did he think I was that stupid? I’m not even going to go into what he said at this point, but it wasn’t pretty.99

I pulled out the handgun, and that’s when he really panicked. I shot him in each of his kneecaps, and his screams turned to gargles. 100

“Effy.” She took the knife and began stabbing him (haphazardly, and not very hard) over and over again, screaming in rage. Amazingly, while she did dish out some serious damage, she managed to avoid cutting any major organs.101

I held the gun to his temple.102

“NO!!! NOOOOOOOO!!!!”103

“Do you have any last words?” I wanted to savor this moment forever. My voice was trembling with excitement, and I had a wide grin on my face. From now on, my life would be different. “Fuck your last words.” I pulled the trigger.104

I heard Ralph bark in the distance.105

“Oh my God…Holy fucking shit! Piss Christ! Motherfucking shit! Now, hold on a second, you mean to say you and this stranger just tied your dad up and shot him?”106

“Don’t believe me?”107

“I guess I believe you. That’s… Seriously, I had no idea people did that kinda stuff. That story is way too messed up to be a lie.”108

“I know, it’s pretty shocking. It isn’t the most shocking story you’ve ever heard, is it?” She said this somewhat playfully.109

“Far and beyond, yes. If you wrote it down and sent it to Oprah, you’d be a star overnight, and you’d probably get your own two hour special on Lifetime.”110

“I’ve never thought of it like that. Thanks for listening to my shit. Nobody’s ever done that.”111

“I’m a pastor. That’s what I’m here for.” At least, what I should be here for.112

“You don’t seem very orthodox.”113

“That’s because I’m not. I don’t even believe in God for fuck’s sake. There are two things I believe in: sex and drugs. And deceit. Yeah, definitely deceit.”114

“Seriously?”115

“It’s pretty strange, I realize that. I wanna break it to my congregation, my wife, you know, everyone that thinks they know me, in some dramatic way, you know, pulling something extreme. Something the hipsters in New York will hear about. I haven’t decided what yet. I’m not talking public suicide or anything. I may be a tad sadistic, but I guess it’s just a part of who I am. It’s probably genetic.” How could I break that shit to Naomi?116

“That’s…deep.” She seems a little nervous. I wonder why?117

“We may as well get to sleep.”118

“If we have to. Goodnight.” Jesus I was exhausted.119

II. The Wife120

I fell into his mantrap.121

I knew where he had been. I could smell the pot and alcohol on his breath. Did he really think I couldn’t smell it?122

Both of our lives have been based on lies. When he first met me, he thought I was this goody-goody ditz. You know the type. Grandpa’s girl. Fresh out of high school. Gets a Bible for her birthday every year. Listens to alternative Christian music, and likes it. Prays before every meal. You get the idea. 123

The day we met was awkward, to say the least, and I can’t help but wonder what would’ve happened if I had told him off and left the premises. Would I have finished college? Would I have made something of my life? It’s too late now. The only way I’d have any chance at happiness…I couldn’t think about that. Or could I?124

I had considered my options. For years I had considered my options. I loved him so much. I still love him. But I hate him. He’s a dick, in every sense of the word, and I can’t take it anymore. I should’ve left a long time ago.125

Unfortunately, a pastor’s wife has certain social standards to uphold. We have to be the perfect couple. If a member of our congregation got divorced, they’d be ostracized. So what would happen if we got divorced? We’d probably be dead.126

Our congregation…how do I describe them? They’re evil. I swear to God, our church is a cult. Mark delivers the best “fire & brimstone” sermons an extremist could ask for, and they eat it up like candy. It’s sick really.127

I grew up in a Christian household, as he knew, but since sophomore year in high school I’ve been a drug addict. What drug, you ask? Every drug. My senior year I developed a coke and heroin habit, which I gave up after graduation, but only because my dealer died in a car accident. For the most part I alternate habits every six months or so. It’s more fun that way. There were a lot of things he didn’t know about me. I assume it goes both ways.128

“I’m sorry, honey. I spent the night at Tony’s.” He wasn’t a very good liar.129

“I figured. I’m going out, so I’ll see you later.”130

“Fine. See you later.”131

I flipped. I don’t know why, but I flipped. He went into his office and shut the door, and I could hear the keyboard clicking away. He was typing fast, probably to finish a sermon. I walked slowly and methodically into the kitchen, fishing around for the perfect knife.132

It had to be sturdy, as well as sharp, and since we didn’t have any knives that fit those criteria I had to weigh the pros and cons. If I took the sharp, flimsy one, I could easily cut his throat, but if he struggled too much, he’d grab it and turn it on me. If I decided on the sturdy, dull one it would be hard to slit anything, but a stabbing would be much easier even though he wouldn’t die right away. I settled on the first.133

Knife in hand, I waited on the bed, mustering up all my courage. I still loved him, but I needed this.134

Then I began to consider the drawbacks. I could go to jail. However, the more I thought about it, the less likely it seemed. I was a woman – a pastor’s wife – and women don’t kill men. Sure, some of us are convicted of murder, but all I’d have to do is say some Puerto-Rican guy broke in and knifed him. It would be easy. 135

My thoughts were interrupted by the opening of his office door. I stood up and pointed the knife at him. He didn’t see me, and he waltzed right into the bathroom and shut the door. I pressed my ear to the wall, attempting to realize what was going on in there. He was drawing a bath. I decided to let him get in before I slaughtered him. It would be easier that way. 136

I sat back down on the bed, waiting for the sound of water on water to cease. In my delirium I fell back onto the pillows and dozed off. When I awoke, thirty minutes had gone by. He was still in the bathroom, but the water had stopped. I quite literally heard nothing. There was dead silence. After a minute of stalling I broke down the door he was already dead. 137

After all this planning, all this buildup, he was already dead. I leaned up against the wall, breathed a sigh of relief, and chuckled to myself. It was all over.138

That’s when I found the note. It wasn’t a note per se, but a handful of typed pages. I began reading…139

III. The Pastor140

I awoke around noon to an empty bed. I figured she’d leave, not because she didn’t want to fuck me, but because it would’ve been too awkward. I mean, I knew her life story, and she knew I was a creep. It just wouldn’t be right.141

I gathered my things, sat by the side of the bed, and lit a joint. I had received it from my good friend Tony, whom my wife had never met. I always told her I was over at Tony’s place. By now, she probably thinks he’s imaginary. Sometimes I really am at Tony’s, but usually I’m out with a girlfriend indulging in every vice imaginable. Tony is an awesome dealer. I’m the only reason he’s still in business.142

My wife was and is a dumbass. Seriously, a dumbass. I come home hung over every Saturday morning, and she never catches on. She has no sense of smell, I swear, but you’d think she’d see it in my eyes. I’m an amazing actor, so she has this illusion that I’m a saint, and that nothing I do can ever be wrong. It’s amazing.143

When I was twenty, that was five long years ago, my rich uncle died, and I inherited his estate. That man’s net worth was three hundred million for christssake, a hefty sum, so I bought my own place and basically did nothing but drugs. I would literally sit around the house and do drugs, then go to other people’s houses and do the same. It was magical, but after awhile it lost its glow. 144

That’s when I met Naomi. I was in this coffee shop, you know, one of those where all the college kids from neighboring towns gather, pontificating to each other and sipping whichever blend was in vogue. I ordered a large iced something-or-other and sat down, attempting to ignore the smug vibes I was picking up. 145

Then Naomi walked in. I’m not going to say, you know, the sky opened up and the angels sang, but it was as close to that as you could possibly imagine. I mean, I was really in love. I watched intently as she ordered. The period of time between her entrance and her order seemed like a millennia. Thank Jesus she was alone!146

Her back was to me, and I began the traditional opposing-deities argument. Should I, or should I not? I tend to over-analyze everything, so I just did it.147

“Is this seat taken?” Smooth.148

“That depends.” She said this with a smile as I sat down.149

“Depends on what?” 150

“I don’t know.”151

“What do you mean?”152

“Well, I don’t know. I mean, you’re a stranger, so I don’t know. I don’t know you, and you don’t know me. The real question is ‘will you ever know me?’” Ouch. She thinks she’s an intellectual.153

“I hope that answer is yes.” Congratulations to me for discovering the worst reply ever.154

“Listen, I don’t know you.” 155

“What, are you not allowed to talk to strangers? I’m Mark. There, now I’m not a stranger.” She snuck in a giggle.156

“I guess you’re not. I’m Naomi. Nice to meet you.”157

“So, Naomi, how about you and I just get up and leave. Let’s just forget our drinks, and never look back. I’ll take you to a fancy restaurant, order you the finest cuisine this world has to offer, and you’ll eat and you’ll eat until you’re so exhausted you fall into my arms, and stay that way for well over an hour until someone kicks us out. What do you say?” That sounded a tad desperate…158

“How can I resist?”159

I pulled the chair out from under her as she got up, and politely parted the pretentious double doors as she walked before me.160

“So, do you drive?”161

“Mhm. But a friend dropped me off. I don’t live too far from here, so I was just planning on walking home. Do you drive?” I was completely enamored. My gaze drifted to her lips.162

“What? Oh. Yeah I drive.” Play it cool.163

“Where’s your car?”164

“What? Oh. It’s over there. Follow me.” Focus!165

I drive this tiny white Sprint. It’s not fashionable, but I love it. I drove one all through high school, called it the shit-mobile. When I inherited all that money, I went out and bought another one just like it. The original had died toward the end of my senior year.166

I ran to the car, unlocked it, ran around and opened her door, chauffeur style. 167

“I’m impressed. Do you do this for all your girlfriends?” Girlfriends?168

“No. I mean, I’ve never had a girlfriend.”169

“You don’t have to lie to me.”170

“No, I’m serious. I guess I’m not usually attracted to women. That sounded wrong I’m not a homosexual or anything, it’s just that I’ve never met anyone that really did it for me. Except for one, but that was a long time ago and I can’t exactly call her a girlfriend.”171

“Slow down there. So, I don’t do it for you? I see how it is.”172

“No! I meant before you!”173

“I knew what you meant, I was just kidding around. Where are we going?” She was in for a treat.174

“It’s called The Hollows. It’s this family-owned restaurant in town. I bought them out a year ago, so I call the shots. They’ve got amazing food, and the atmosphere is the best you could ask for. I had it refurnished, and it’s all plush and red. I have a guy who’s entire job is to shampoo the furniture daily.”175

“Wait, so you own a restaurant? How old are you?”176

“Twenty.”177

“How did that happen? You aren’t some kind of coked-up yuppie are you?”178

“No, not exactly. My parents are dead, died in a car accident when I was seventeen, and my uncle took me in. He was rich, I never knew why, he just was, but he had always been a bit sickly, you know, and he came down with a case of pneumonia, I mean, some serious pneumonia, and he died, you know, he kicked the bucket. It was right after I graduated too, and I was already eighteen, so I got everything. All three hundred million of it.”179

“So you’re loaded?! Won’t my parents be pleased. All they care about is money.”180

“I guess they’ll love me. I don’t really live like a millionaire, you know. I just, kind of…live life. I don’t want anything fancy, at least not at this point in my life. I wanna do something worthwhile, something the hipsters in New York will hear about, before I even consider city life. I have no idea what that’s gonna be, but, you know, it’s never too late right?”181

“So why’d you buy that restaurant?”182

“Well, some of my friends worked there, and their manager was a real jerk. So I bought it out, fired the guy, and let my buddies run the place. They call the shots, and my only stipulation is that I get all the free food I want and I get to mess with the customers.”183

“What do you mean by mess with?”184

“You know, shout dumb stuff, swap the salt with the pepper, that sort of thing. I just think it’s fun to make all the uptight retards around here feel uncomfortable.”185

“So you’re into insulting retarded people…”186

“Yeah, I mean NO!”187

“Hey I was just kidding. Relax. You look pretty tense. It’s me isn’t it.”188

“Nah, it’s not you. Well…yeah, it’s you. But not in a bad way. You’re, well you’re…I just…anything I say now is gonna sound stupid, so I guess I’ll just stop talking.”189

“No. No, please continue. I’m what?” The playful tone of her voice opened me up a bit.190

“You’re beautiful. I said it, you’re beautiful.” Whoa…191

“Well…I’ve never had that happen before. Don’t you think we’re going a little fast?”192

“No. I mean yeah, but I don’t think it’s TOO fast. At least not for me. Is it for you?”193

“No. No, not at all.”194

At this point, I realized I wasn’t acting like myself. I wanted to ask, you know, can I kiss you, but I just couldn’t. So we sat there, glancing at each other when we thought the other wasn’t looking. It wasn’t long before we arrived at our destination.195

“This is it.” What else could I say?196

“It looks nice.” The awkwardness is setting in.197

I opened the door for her, twice, and when I walked in I noticed Chris. He was a little shocked to see me with a female, and he rushed over to seat us. I had this nice little booth in the corner, best seat in the house, and I escorted her there.198

“This is it.”199

“It’s nice. So what’s good here? You know what, just order for me.”200

I can’t remember what we ordered. I probably smoked that memory away. But whatever it was, she loved it. So we sat there, waiting for our food, and I debated whether or not to put my arm around her. It was an easy choice.201

The food came, and I barely touched mine. The only things I could focus on were the bits of food entering her mouth, and the little moans she made as her tongue absorbed the flavors, and the alfredo sauce in the corner of her mouth, and the way her lips swept across the fork, and the tongue rolling around in her mouth, and the whiteness of her teeth, and her beautiful neck, and her not-quite-modest neckline, and…202

“Aren’t you hungry?” She knew I was.203

“No. I mean, yeah. I guess I just got distracted.”204

“I see how it is.”205

“What? No, it’s not like that. Or maybe it is, I don’t know.” 206

We remained silent for a while. It wasn’t an awkward silence. We ate our food, smiling at each other. 207

It was nine by now. There was this young couple sitting on the other end of the restaurant, and a buddy of mine, seeing how important this was to me, paid them each ten bucks to vacate. He turned the lights down and put on some soft music.208

“What’s this all about?” She was impressed, I could tell.209

“I don’t know, I didn’t do it.”210

“Thank whoever did. It’s so cozy in here.” Nice.211

She was a good little church girl, that much I knew, so the only chance I had was to play churchy. It was so tempting to just have her, right there in the restaurant, but she’d probably call rape. We began the typical make-out routine: I kiss you, you kiss me, repeat. Even if it wasn’t typical, it didn’t matter. It still kicked ass.212

And that’s what we did. It was the first time I had made out with a chick that wasn’t either passed out or an unlucky spin-the-bottle participant. I’m pretty sure a half an hour had passed before we both came up for air, and by now my lips were sore.213

“I’m…I’m sorry. I can’t do this.” She knew what I wanted.214

“Do what?” I whispered so as to feign obliviousness.215

“You know.” It wasn’t working.216

“Why don’t I just take you home.”217

“That’s fine. I’m sorry we couldn’t…well, yeah. Oh, you’ve got a little…”218

“What? Oh, right. Lipstick.”219

“Sorry.”220

“No, that’s fine.”221

I drove her home in a not-as-awkward-as-it-could-have-been silence, other than the directions she gave me.222

“This is it?” It was nice.223

“This is it. Here’s my number.” She handed me a slip of paper with her name and number on it. Sexy. “I’ll call you. Do you have anything going on tomorrow?”224

“No, I’ve got nothing. I never have any pressing engagements. I’m pretty flexible.”225

“That’s good. So, I’ll call you.”226

“But…”227

“But what?’228

“I have your number. You don’t have mine. So, I’ll call you.”229

“Right. Well, bye.”230

“Bye.” She gave me a quick courtesy peck, and walked towards her front door, looking back every three or four steps, biting her lower lip. She nearly fell over as she reached the steps. 231

So basically, within two weeks we were engaged, and after a month we were married. I kept up appearances as the perfect Christian, telling her she was a gift from God, that sort of thing. Apparently it worked, and to this day she’s oblivious as to who I really am. She doesn’t even know me. But who really knows anyone?232

Now I know I have everything going for me. You know, shit-tons of money, a wife that loves me, etc. But it doesn’t matter to me. My entire life has been working towards this moment. In spite of all my potential, I’ve never left Hollow Oaks. Being the pastor of our Baptist church basically makes me the greatest fake in the history of fakes. At least I’m good at something.233

I always wanted to leave my mark on society. You know, do something the hipsters in New York would hear about. I want to achieve the taboo-ness of Columbine. After Columbine, mentioning the massacre in school was (and to an extent still is) so taboo that it was/is, in fact, a death wish. The same thing goes for shouting “BOMB!” on a plane. You just don’t do it. That’s how I want it to be. I want an entire congregation to freak at the mention of my name. I want parents to tell their children they’ll end up like me if they don’t eat their peas. 234

My fifteen minutes of fame. I guess this is it. This is my attempt to shake the earth. 235

There’re a lot of things I could say to get a rise out of people. I could say I molested altar boys, killed abortion doctors, or did disagreeable things with corpses, but none of that would be true. The irony of it all is that this is the only time I’ve ever really been honest. I’ve never even been honest with myself. That’s the key to being a good liar. Believing the lies. 236

I don’t know what finally convinced me to do this. I woke up this morning with no intentions of offing myself. I guess recalling the story of my wife…it makes me feel. It’s been a long time since I’ve felt. The numbness is gone, and it’s as if this happy little barrier of ignorance is dissipating.237

This is the person I’ve become. It’s a long way from where I was five years ago, back when I was happy and high. 238

I guess I should get to why I’m writing this. In a few minutes, I’ll be lying naked in a bathtub full of blood, ready to visit the Jesus I’ve always claimed to know. And that’s ok. I’ve lived a shallow, empty life. At least my death will have some meaning.239

I love you Naomi.240