Together Again
Prologue1
500 years ago
The night was silent as the chilled air passed through the stone bordered windows of the castle. Nothing would be similar to what had happened that night, and none knew if it was to ever happen again. For eight hundred years the King of Darkness, also known as King Tabas, and the Queen of Light, known as Queen Ray ruled the lands of Maka. Maka was the kingdom that was in the middle of the elemental galaxies. The king and queen ruled all, except for Earth, but the things they did still affected the Earth. Each galaxy was over ruled by a single element. There were the elements of fire, water, ice, earth, wind, dark, and light. Each galaxy has its own name, but time is too short in this tale to name them at this moment, they will come up though don’t worry. But that night, the galaxies were in chaos. For that night, King Tabas and Queen Ray were horribly murdered. There was no way to tell that this was to happen since it had never happened before. But now, it is the people’s reality that they were to face.2
“STOP THIS MADNESS!” Queen Ray shrieked, as the knife dug into the skin of her back. The king crawled over to his wife and held her close.3
“You MONSTER!” King Tabas yelled, “You will pay for this, all of this!!!” The king hated the situation he and his one and only love were in. He hated that his bride was in pain, he wished that he could make it all go away. He hated that he knew they were both to die and wouldn’t be saved.4
A dark laugh echoed through the rooms and bounced off the walls of the dungeon. The king felt his love shudder; he could sense how frightened she was. He didn’t want to die and he knew that his Queen, his soul mate, didn’t want to die either. He knew that if he had any chance to get out alive, that he had to get out here. He stood up while gently hoisting his bride up with him, the knife still in her back.5
“We have one shot at this.” The king whispered to the queen “We must use the ultimate power that we have, before it is gone.” The queen nodded, she knew it was their one and only chance to live, and to save the world from this ultimate evil known as the “Devil’s Children”. These men were pure evil and nothing else. The enemies of everyone, they are distinct by their pale black and white bodies and faint aura flowing around them that was white in color. They are truly wretched stalkers of the night; their footsteps are as silent as they are quick. Like lightning, I say, they will strike you faster than the time it would take for you to gasp your final breath.6
In unison, the king raised his right hand and the Queen's left hand, side by side they stood. They kept their eyes on the enemy and concentrated. In the king’s hand, a red and black orb of darkness formed. In the queen’s hand, a white and yellow orb of light was formed. The Opposite Elements Killing Spell was what this was called. It was known to kill any enemy even if one was weak. 7
The king yelled “NOW!” and the king and queen shot the orbs at the dark figure. The dark figure chuckled and blocked the orbs. It was over; their last hope for escape had failed them. Another of the dark figures around them shot an arrow at the king and queen. The arrow killed the king and the queen both at once in a blow to the head. Even in death, the king held his love, and never again would let go.8
As their bodies lied limp on the floor, their eternal spirits soared into the skies together. Since the king had died the darkness started to die. The midnight sky was brightly lit, by a rainbow striped in colors of magenta, teal, opal, quartz, emerald, ruby, and violet. Since the queen died, the lightness started to die, all the lights went out and the sun became dull. It was like the apocalypse, the temperatures all around the universe chilled; the evil had won.9
483 years later10
The elder of the lands walked into a clearing in the middle of the lands. Unlike most clearings there no longer was grass or trees around it. Here is where the new king and queens were to come. You have no idea what I am talking about, do you? Not many did but if you just look to the skies, you will see what the elder is waiting for. Now that the king and queen were dead, they needed new heirs to the throne. 11
Suddenly, from the heavens above, two comets fell. One comet was the color orange, with shades of yellow and red; almost like fire. The other comet was many shades of blue with white and had a wavy affect. All at once, the comets smashed to the ground, nothing caught on fire since there was nothing around them that could burn. A few moments later, the comets both cracked open.12
The elder stepped forward. She looked into the comets. Inside the comets were babies, each of a different element. The one that was awake in the orange comet was a male and was the element of fire. She picked the baby up in her arms. The boy’s hair was black and his eyes were red with a yellow outline; he was stunning. She walked over to the other comet and looked inside. Inside the other comet lied a little girl. She appeared a little younger then the boy and her hair was a beautiful brown unlike the boy’s black hair. She gently picked the little girl up in her arms. The little girl opened her eyes to reveal magnificent crystal blue eyes like none she had ever seen before. She looked at the elder; she smiled with a sweet expression on her face and gave a soft coo. The elder held the two babies close. She knew that they were destined to become the new king and queen. She smiled and began to walk to the palace.13
By the time she was to arrive at the castle, she was to have names for them. She had many things to do and it was troubling to figure out their names. She thought and she thought as she walked and she walked, its harder than it seemed to come up with names. It was even harder when she came to the palace and still had no name. She sighed as she stood to the podium to announce the names of the new king and queen and to announce their elements. She held the dark haired boy in her arms and raised him for the eyes of her people to see.14
“This little black haired boy has the element of fire.” The elder said. The crowd gasped at the beauty of his eyes. The elder cleared her throat then continued “His name shall be Dylan.” she said and the crowd went crazy. She set Dylan in one of the wooden oak cribs beside the podium. The elder then raised the brown haired girl in her arms.15
“This brown haired girl has the element of water.” The elder said. The crowd was silent; she could tell that they had been taken away by the tenderness of her eyes and how the light of the sun just seemed to reflect off of her. The elder smiled, she felt happy about the crowd’s reactions. The elder continued “Her name shall be Alison.” she said. The crowd cheered again and again when she held up the two children. That day was a day of celebration; a day of a new beginning. No one knew what was to come the next night.16
It was a clear and warm night, not a bit of wind blew upon the kingdom and its surrounding villages. The elder watched the babies that night. The elder was to rule until the babies were old enough. The boy slept as well as the girl but the mistake she made was this; the elder too was asleep and the guards were off duty. Alison’s eyes shot open to a sound she didn’t recognize. Dylan didn’t wake up and neither did the elder, I guess being a water element had something special for her hearing; nobody knows but her. The sound she heard was someone cracking the window open.17
Alison assumed that it was only the wind or what not and dozed off again, but she had no idea what was happening. Through the window came the leader of the “Devil’s Children”. He crept through the window and stepped onto the floor of the castle making sure not to make a single sound. He got over to the cribs, and looked at both children. He drummed his fingers on his chin in thought. He reached over and took the baby girl, Alison. Why did he take the girl? We all have had our own theories, but only one makes the most sense. Most think that he took the girl because without the queen, the king couldn’t rule. The queen completes the king and without a queen, there is no king.18
The leader of the “Devil’s Children” took Alison in his arms. He jumped from the window and got away. He had to find somewhere where they wouldn’t think to look. He was in the middle of a clearing when he started to think of where to send her. He knew he couldn’t keep her in these lands, it would be too obvious. In the end, he chose to send young Alison to Earth; the people had no control over the Earth, what could go wrong? With a wave of his hands, a portal to Earth opened. He jumped through the portal with Alison. After that, there was no one who knew where Alison was. Now the galaxies, and possibly the Earth, were in great danger. Would there be an end to this madness?
Author notes
I am planning on making this a book someday. If you see any errors, or something you think I should change, or something you think I should add in one of the up coming chapters, please tell me either in comments or through the messages. Thanks 
In a list
- Notes on a Page group list • next in list
A contest entry
- First Chapter or Prologue by TheFemmeFatale.
600 points, ended July 18, 18 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Tropyless by Para Turkey.
175 points, ended July 19, 6 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Best Writer Awards 2009 by andhearts. ox.
100 points, ended July 25, 10 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - I want sad stories, sad love stories, whatever you want to enter! by Clary--Selene--Tayy.
300 points, ended August 27, 34 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Enter If You Dare by seasonsoflove.
525 points, ended October 11, 135 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
What do you think could be changed? Any suggestions for the next chapter?
Comments
1 - 35 of 35
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Wow! This is great!
Plot: 5
Language: 4
Theme: 4
Total: 13
Good work here! Kept me drawn in. It's awesome! Thank you for entering! It's a great piece.
Please let me know when you add the next chapter! -
I don't think it should be changed at all! It is perfect the way it is
I really liked this story and I'm glad you entered it Thank you for entering and good luck
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I thought it was a nice story. I agree with Coffeefox Good luck.
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In paragraph 17 you make Alison seem as if she is older because you gave her the ability to know what a window cracking open sounds like. She is an infant who has only been in the world for a day she wouldn't know what that sounds like. You could say a window was cracked open and then later in the novel when she is older have a window be cracked open and her have a flashback to the window opening when she was an infant. Well written hope to read more from you soon
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The story seems creative and fairly original. I felt, right away when I read it, that I was observing a very different world than my own. I also liked how the deaths of the king and queen had such drastic effects on their world.
It seems to me that perhaps the beginning is a little bit rushed. We don't get any time to form any feelings for the queen and king, so their dramatic and tragic end doesn't deliver as strong a punch as it could have.
Occasionally, too, the voice of the narrator comes in a little too strongly, which tends to break the 'bubble' of the story world. For example, the last sentence of paragraph 6, 'Like lightning, I say, they will strike you faster than the time it would take for you to gasp your final breath.' makes me think "You say? Who are you? Who am I listening to?"
Even so, this is still a promising start to a very interesting story!beginning: 2, language: 4, plot: 4, ending: 3, dialog: 3, characters: 2.
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Interesting, Great Concept!!
Such a well-written, and beautifully creative and imaginative piece! I love all the elements you've added here, especially with the comets that brought the new king and queen and the concept of the "Devil's Children." It's a great prologue, especially with the ending!
But you should probably explain the way kings and queens have to rule together (but it seemed as though a queen could rule without a king?). And more physical descriptions (of the people, the palace, etc) would help the reader visualize the story more.
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Interesting! The description was wonderful, and I was even able to get into it, even though i'm not into things like this!
Great job.
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Interesting
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Please write more!!! i love it!!!!!!! if it comes out as a book, please let me know because i would buy it and read it. Fantastic!!
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I've already commented on this, and it still applies Visions. I cAn'T tYpE!! ahem... anyway, I'm going to post that link here. Except, you know, the genders are switched in the pic. And you know what... you probably don't wanna see the pic. but I'm bored right now, so YOU'RE GOING TO! Okay?
http://media.photobucket.com/image/kiss/lmmontero/Kiss.jpg?o=16 -
A good starting point
This is a great starting point for a story, the ideas you've used here are really good and this makes an excellent outline. However it lacks detail and emotion at the momment, really think about your characters, who they are and what they are going through. Put yourself in their place, how would you feel if you were the king or queen about to die? What would you be thinking? Would you be shaking in fear? or would your legs feel like jelly?
Also your grammar needs looking at, read it out loud to yourself, this might help.
The ideas here are great, keep working on it! -
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Thank you for your comment. My novel is still a work in progress and I appreciate you taking time to read "Together Again" and give me feed back. I know I need to work on detail and grammar and such, I am still learning. I am 14 and I think this is pretty good for my age, being in honors english helps too.I will definately (sp?) take your comment into consideration. It makes me feel good that you were willing to give me suggestions on my story yet not completely bashing it. Anyways, thanks for reading!
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can't wait till the next chapter
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Very different...
The beginning is excellent! It starts exactly in the right spot! I don't think anything should be changed; it's great as it is.
I enjoyed it and wish you luck with it in the future.
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i love this, i'm so glad you 'annoyed' me about reading this, i really really liked it. haha
amazing writing, definitely has potential.
-Hilmer -
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Thank you so much for commenting!
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The aspect of fire has just a small part here; the baby boy has the element of fire, but he doesn't get to use it yet. The other aspects from my contest are also present in small amounts, but none of them really jumped out at me and said Here I Am.
I didn't get a feeling for the danger of the dying king and queen at the start. They seemed to be bleeding to death and casting one last spell that utterly failed, without a lot of emotion there. I was also wondering why the place had to wait 483 years for new royalty. Didn't anyone try to seize the throne in between or something? I didn't get a good feel for the politics of the land.
I got the impression that you wrote this without knowing the answers ahead of time, and you actually hinted at that with why Alison woke up, and how hard it is to come up with names. It sounded to me like you didn't know where the story was really going when you wrote it. Luckily there's editing, though, and once you figure out the details, you can change stuff. Thanks for entering my contest. -
Nice work, good luck in my contest, being my first contestant, you've really made some impression!
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very good i loved it
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Yay, I love stories that involve elements!
This is very well written, and I love that you don't beat around the bush and overdescribe: your descriptions are just enough to paint an accurate picture of the action taking place.
As for the actual plot, I like it. It's very interesting! I would definitely continue reading this
Thank you so much for entering! -
A good beginning.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Cool! Wow, I like looked up this perfect picture for the two babies, except opposite, my only critique is that you need to grammar check it and make it a lil' more explanatory. Other than that. AWESOME!!!!! (IM me and I'll find the pic 4 u!)
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very interesting it kept me focused and wondering what would happen. I didn't like the part where you named the spell cause that name is very corny... but other than that its great!
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I can't wait to read more! I'm soooo hoooked!! ((:
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You've definitely started a very interesting story here. I have no idea what direction this is going to go in, which is good because it makes you want to read more. This prologue is a very good foundation for the story and I can tell that you have a great imagination. I'll have to read more to see what's going to happen.
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I'm interested by the characters and the story.
Why, of all the planets in all the galaxies is Earth the only one with no control? Fantasy novels ask us to suspend reality, but that did not seem within the realm of possibility, that only ONE planet wouldn't be under their control. Better, I think, would be to have, perhaps, varying degrees of control, and have Earth be lower on the list, although not the lowest, because then there would be an obvious choice. If the plot is to have Dylan go after Allison, there's more of a challenge to find her if she isn't in any of the most obvious places, perhaps?
I'm very much so interested in seeing what happens in the future with this novel. I'll be going to the next chapter now.
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ABSOLUTELY AMAZING
I loved it. The imagery and the plot is thrilling. I can't wait to read the rest of it. It will also help me with mine. I need to work on the writing part. The creativity I have down but the details is what I need to work on the most. And you did that beautifully.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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This is a very compelling story. And Alison did make a mistake, even though she was only a baby. I can't believe what happened to her! I'm off to read the other chapters, but no...no suggestions because you captured all the elements of a story so well!!!
wishing-star123
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Nice. Not entirely original, but you did bring a morsel of awesome to the table. It's a diamond in the rough, but if you could pull it off, it would be a really good read.
The only issues I found were that King and Queen weren't always capitalized, and a few missing commas. It's ok, though. It's a common mistake and if you're going to have the book published, the publisher's proof-readers will take care of that for you. (Though, I'd still suggest practicing it, regardless. ;D)
I hope you keep it up and finish it.
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WOW
I love it, it was just my style and had a great ending. It pulled me right into it. Tell you what I'm gona keep reading this. =)
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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very, very interesting stuff. i especially liked the beginning, which was really vivid and compelling
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What do ya think?
Well, what the subject said.
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I love the effort you have put forth in your fantasy world. Your creativity is commendable. I wish you well with your venture to publish this story. I noticed one small error in spelling. If you don't mind me pointing it out. In your description of rainbow colors I believe you meant quartz but put quart. Great Job!!!! A huge improvement. I look forward to reading more of the story.
In God's Love
Three Doves -
I think it looks very promising, and it definitely has a good storyline, especially for a fantasy-love story. Great job so far, and I can't wait to read more!
Welcome to the site. I hope you enjoy yourself here.
Kevan (Greeter)
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You have written a beautiful but sad story!
I wish you much success with publication!
In God's Love
Three Doves
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