traitor.

staggering, 1

alcohol overflowing,nice and sticky in the morning. 2

people dancing,can't really see them. 3

hazy.4

hazy,slow and lazy. 5

fog. 6

trance. 7

slow motion,everything in slow motion. 8

SPEEDUP. 9

gonna be sick,SLOW.DOWN. 10

ow. 11

spinning. 12

outside.outside,good.13

light up.inhale.14

mmm.lungs burning.nice,comforting.15

isolated and leaning.16

cool brick wall.good.i'm burning up.17

won't remember this tommorrow but i’ll say it was genius.18

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Comments

1 - 6 of 6

  • imagist
    June 8

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    At first, there were so many things I would change, but rereading this and it just works. It makes sense, shows the thoughts, emotions- the whole nine yards!

    Great job!


  • nobbyskypekiller
    June 6

    Edit | Reply
    Hmm, nice i like the way u build the plot from those short sentences. Try doing the same with the hangover?


  • Lieutenant Miller
    June 6
    Edit | Reply
    CAPITALIZATION; 1. commandment!
    I don't like alcohol, but that's irrelevant.
    No punctuation (full stops) in poems.
    Remember dashes in words as "speed-up"
    Remember spaces between words.

    Weird, but ok. I didn't get what this was all about, ecxept a guy burning... Mind enlightening me?
    Else, good job


  • Kevan gold member
    May 24

    Edit | Reply
    Great choppy sentences and connection between the writing and the emotion. It was symbolic, and I think we've all been in this state before

    Kevan.


  • Rorshach gold member
    May 4
    Edit | Reply

    Experienced this meself

    I like the dizziness of the writing as it resonates


  • Shadow-Kissed
    May 3

    Edit | Reply
    Wow. I love the alcohol relationship. It gives meaning and the reader a sense of the character's feelings. Well Done.

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.

1 - 6 of 6