A bum told me a long time ago never to kill a bum. Having walked passed him for five years and him never even acknowledging my existence I laughed and agreed. He caught my good vibe and asked for a nickel. “Much obliged, my good sir” I responded and handed him a 20 dollar bill. He grinned showing me his rotting brown teeth and stumbled to the nearest liquor store. I waved him goodbye and he saluted back. Later that night I returned to his dumpster and killed him.1
It wasn’t a act of murder, it was butchery. After I was done there was blood splattered on the street and pieces of cloth and skin stuck to the dumpster where he slept. I threw away my knife in the river, where it remains to my knowledge, and burnt my cloths in the same trashcan he used for warmth on cold winter days. The next day I woke up and went to work as usual. I passed the cops and the yellow tape, hell I even waved to one of the detectives eating his breakfast.2
I bought a newspaper with my coffee and started flipping through the pages at the diner where I had eaten breakfast for seven years. I took the bus and walked a quarter mile to my work where I sat in front a computer screen for four hours. I called my best friend during lunch and later went to a cafe after work with a co-worker; finally I went home and slept. The next day the police weren’t at the site. The story of the murdered bum never appeared in the papers and the damndest thing is that, well, I never even learned the bums name. 3
I am not fucked up. I am not a self-made monster, or a creep spawned by today’s society. I do not lead a double life or any other shit like that. I am what I am. Nothing. Nothing at all. Not a coward or leech. Not a metro or a fag. Like I said before nothing at all. 4
Twenty eight days after that incident my best friend went postal. He killed 6 employees at the factory he worked in before a policeman’s bullet removed half his brain in one spontaneous flash. A reporter asked me if I had anything to say about the incident. I looked him clear in the eyes and told him to go to hell. It seemed like the “expected” thing to do. The reporter acted appropriately and left me alone for the rest of that day. 5
That night I went to my friend’s apartment and smoked his last pack of cigarettes. I sat on his torn and dirty couch and inhaled slowly trying to think why he had done it. As it turned out I couldn’t. It was the same damn reason I had given twenty bucks to the bum. I left the apartment and killed another bum on the way home. I didn’t feel relieved to have extinguished another mans life. I didn’t feel hate, or joy, or sadness. I just walked behind the mick and started choking him. He tried to scream but my fingers dug deeper into his throat and he passed out. I then dragged him into a empty lot and slit his jugular with a shard of broken glass. I left the scene and walked the rest of the way home. 6
No cop ever came to question me. No one saw me kill that man and if they did maybe they didn’t care. That’s when I realized that I was the best type of person that there could be. I didn’t kill out of hate or sorrow. I didn’t do it because of beliefs or ideals. I just did it. I was cold. I was indifferent. I was machine.
Author notes
purple pigs fly or something like that
i chose prompt about killer/fravorite thing about sumer is no school
A contest entry
- a bit of the old ultra violence by urbanronin88.
225 points, ended May 8, 25 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Best non-named Character Stories! by Yumiko Kizaka.
170 points, ended May 27, 26 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Happy Days....(Prompt) by wolf-storm.
250 points, ended June 23, 5 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Psychological Thriller Contest by Dr. Psycho.
190 points, ended June 14, 28 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - The Ravings of A Madman [ Murder Story Contest ] by Asfand.
225 points, ended June 24, 22 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 26 of 26
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Oh! You may want to change the last line "I was machine" to something like I am/was a machine.
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I think this portrayal of a serial killer is quite accurate.
They don't need a real reason or purpose for the killing, and more often than not, many of them don't have a real answer. It's like an impulse, a need to fulfill some twisted objective. You express that here.
His descent, or evolution into nothingness was well described too, considering the story length. It's hard to say if he is becoming empty or if he is becoming a more efficient killing machine.
"I am not fucked up. I am not a self-made monster, or a creep spawned by today’s society. I do not lead a double life or any other shit like that. I am what I am. Nothing. Nothing at all. Not a coward or leech. Not a metro or a fag. Like I said before nothing at all."
That is without a doubt the best paragraph in this story. He is like a force of nature, it doesn't need a definition, it just is.
I like where you took this story and the killer. It was a different and fresh take on things.
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I feel so sorry for that first bum. He got 20 bucks and a stomachful of liquor, was happy, and then he was dead. Poor guy.
I love the originality--how he kills bums--not coworkers or streetworkers, but bums. And how when his friend went psycho, he didn't really feel much. It's just another glimpse into his character, his nothingness. Things like calling his first murder butchery... those things, little insightful stuff like that, are what makes this character special. You know, you've got some serious evil inside of you, if this is what you think up when no one's around...
A word of advice: I think the end would be better if you put "I was machine" into its own paragraph, just standing alone at the end. It would put more emphasis on the epiphany of emptiness (oh haha that's alliteration!
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Oh, and for the person up there who'd whining about being a grammar nazi (ph34rmaster04 ), I thought the point of this website was receiving opinions and improving. Grammar nazis help the process, so if you don't like your job why bother? Most people would thank you for correcting the things they overlooked. If you aren't willing to be helpful without being spiteful, then please just shut your piehole and leave it to the people who care.
Okay, I'm done now. -
Good Job
You seem to know what you want to say and that is great! I love that. You can't write a good story without commitment and you seem to have that. The characters and story could develop into a longer story.
It has already been pointed out that there are some grammar errors but that can be fixed easily if you ask for people to pass it around and edit it. You will get great feedback from most people. The more people you let edit it the more information you get. Never change anything you want to be there.
My last comment is something I often have problems with myself. Your writing lacks vivid description. Go back over it and try to add words. EX: The truck. What color is the truck? What condition is it in. ETC. The second part is try to eliminate its, thes, thems, theres, use nouns to help with this. Instead of saying 'It' say 'The soggy brown box.' and so on.
Overall your story is a good idea, I like the character and I think you have something going here but I think it could be developed a little more.
Good luck and I hope that helps!
~Lissa
beginning: 3, language: 2, plot: 4, ending: 4, dialog: 2, characters: 4.
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The first paragraph is absolutely DEVOID of commas that should actually be there. There are parts where commas are missing. It's good to edit, it would make for much better flow throughout the story.
I LIKE that he kills bums. That's original, never heard of a killer killing bums. I've heard prostitutes, rich women, teenagers, kids but never bums.
I think this needs work. Characterization. Some personal detail. I think your narrative is actually very strong. Coupled with some good editting and some elaborate plot, this would be a damn good story.
Nice job!
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I like it because you told the story from the psycho's POV. Intriguing and disturbing indeed.
Im here to read not to judge, 5 stars to you my friend.
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I disagree with CrazyWhiteGirl527's comments. This story does have plot - it just isn't as obvious as it could be. If you have spent any time studying criminology, then you know that what you have described is almost the perfect MO of a serial killer. It's typically someone who works in a job that requires great attention to detail but little social interaction. A serial killer requires no specific reason to kill - they just do. It gives them a thrill or a means of dispatching of otherwise troublesome emotions, much as you have described here.
The friend that went postal, that's realistic two, but for a vast array of different reasons.
To improve your story I might advise going through it once to check for typos and grammar errors (minor ones, at that.) Otherwise I think it was a great piece. Well done. -
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thank you
it really isnt meant to be a traditional pshycological thriller(*hannibal*). most people dont unnerstand it and tradition is so deeply engraved into their "ways" that something that isnt the norm is rubbish in their eyes.
and as fer the story itself, te narrorator is loosly based off a comrade of mine. although the events in the story are fictional, the mindset is the same. thats why its labeled under "truthful"
anyway, thank you for liking my story
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There were some grammar errors, and it seemed to go all over the place to me, with no real point. The plot really didn't interest me, as it seemed really choppy and rushed.
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how could i imporve it?
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Make more of a point to it, like an actual plot. Fix the grammatical errors, put more detail into it
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well the entire "vauge non-descriptioness and choppiness" is a style. most of the grammatical errors are probably purposely placed there. sadly, becaseu its not normal, the errors distract people who arn't used to the style.
it kinda does have a plot but not a very good one. i guess i will add some more stuff. thanks for the advice, however vauge
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Wow nicely written but I was scared to death!!!LOL
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Wow that was a really good. Somewhat creepy though. Enjoy your summer!
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very very good.
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I am not going to repeat myself any longer. I will give all entries with improper grammar 24 hours to correct their flaws or I am deleting them from my contest. I will send this to all unlucky entries who decided to enter my contest without proper English. Thanks for entering, but I have had it with being the little grammar Nazi.
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P2: "burnt" should be "burned" and "cloths" should be "clothes." The last sentence is a bit of a run-on.
I also spotted a bunch of grammatical errors in paragraph 3 before I stopped reading. As I have said countless times about other contest entries, THIS IS NOT MY STORY. I am not going to read through the whole thing twice just to fix all the little errors in it so I don't feel inclined to disqualify you. I have said this over and over and it's starting to get a little old. If you want to enter my contest, you have to follow ALL the rules. If you are not going to have proper grammar in your story, then I am not going to judge it. End of story. So you can either fix the grammar in here and be a little more professional or I will delete your entry. Also, I will make it a point in future contests to immediately delete any entries that do not have proper grammar. I am glad you entered, but I can not take much more ofhaving to be a grammar Nazi. -
My, that was delicious. ^^
Fairly interesting topic - a difficult one to portray in an enticing manner. Really liked the concept, the timeline was pretty smooth, and the kills were just as nice. I would've enjoyed a more descriptive exert of the first kill, but that's just me.
I suggest breaking up the first paragraph into, at least, two-to-three paragraphs. Large chunks are horrible to have if you want people to keep reading - they tend to be overwhelmed by all th text and either get bored, or just walk away.
Punctuation, too. There are too many incidences to point out in this message, but you could use quite a few commas in your sentences. -
It's bloody and gory, but does not suggest Poe's style of writing, but then, whose does? Interesting concept.
I would suggest you cut the first paragraph into two or three paragraphs.
A good story but needing a little more detail.
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I agree with the others. This is kinda flat. Needs just a little more to make it really good.
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This story feels more like an outline, or a writers synopsis than a story. The details are sorely lacking, which unfortunately doesn't allow the reader to become too involved in the narrative. I do understand that you were trying to make it seem very cold, remorseless, but you always have to be careful when doing this, because it can make the story a bit flat. With all the serial killer books on the market, you have to make an effort to do it in a way that has never been done, and this to me felt very generic. I am not trying to trash your story, because you are correct in that the sadists are the most difficult to catch. Take the Zodiac for example: they still cannot prove who did those murders because of the randomness, and the seeming lack of a motive. That part I did like, but I think the comments below have a point in that you named your story just cause, but never talked about the killers reasons, and I also think it would help if you were to give us a little history--enough so we could relate to him. You could have something good, but you need more details, details, details.
Good luck to you.
-iliad-
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this story is desturbing... but i liked it. the swears in the story added more affect to this character's frigid, apathetic personality which came across as you detailingly described his attitude and thoughts throughout the story.
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It was okay
It was okay, but nothing special in my opinion. There were a few grammar errors here and there. I didn't feel like there was enough detail. But you did get your point across. You don't need to have a reason to do something.beginning: 5, language: 2, plot: 3, ending: 5, dialog: 1, characters: 3.
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whoa
I loved the first and last lines of this piece. If you want suggestions, I think you just need to edit some commas for effect, and maybe put some more past of the main character in it, to make the reader have a little more understanding of why he does it, like a small flashback or allusions to his parents or something that happened to him..??? I think it is really well written, and good luck in your contest.
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A decent read. I found the title to be somewhat deceptive since there was no cause for the murders. It was a unique write. Thanks and good luck in my contest.
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wooow... that story is dark and twisted but i couldnt keep my eyes off the page! woow that was really good *2 thumbs up*
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