So ummmm my grandma died. A month ago almost. In like a day or two it will be a month. And I think it's just hitting me now. 1
I could be so calm about it before and now...well I seem to be crying my eyes out. Things set me off. It was a CSI about the holocaust and...I don't know. I seemed to realize that she was gone and not coming back. 2
She isn't. 3
I know I'll probably be more rational and okay with it tomorrow. I mean my latest philosophy is just that I can't see her. It doesn't mean she's not here. It's like a relative who lives far away. I guess I can't wrap my mind around the concept that no one can see her anymore. 4
It's hard. I loved her so much and now....well now she's gone. And in the ground. In the cold, hard ground. My cousin was almost hysterical at the funeral when we buried her. And I couldn't believe that we were just putting her in a box and leaving her there. And I was crying and my other cousin was holding me, hugging me and I loved him so much right there. And my poor dad. He was her baby. It's hard to imagine him as the baby. After all he's my big, tough, strong daddy. And there he was crying like her baby. Because that day that's all he was. Her baby boy. A little boy who had just lost his mommy. And I lost my Bubby. And it tore my heart out to see my dad sitting there crying, his sister hugging him even though she's so much tinier. I wanted so badly to go and give him a hug.5
My little Bubby..... I don't know how she survived everything she did. And now I'll never know. She'll never be able to tell me now. Well at least, not for a very long time. But I'll never let her go. I'll never let any of it go. 6
I want to be the one who remembers. I will remember. Everything. It's so hard because she was part of me. My little Bubby she was a part of me. And now she's gone. 7
But that part of her in me is still there. I will always hold her with me...in me. She will always be here. 8
Now my throat is burning and tears are basically streaming down my cheeks. And I can't stop it, any of it, but I don't want to stop this either. She meant so much to me. I couldn't cry before. Now I can. I just wonder if I'll be able to stop. If my throat will ever stop burning and my tears will ever stop falling. If I'll be able to stop missing her. Ever. Never.
Comments
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Aw, this is so sad. I wish I could give you a huge hug right now! But I'm so glad that you realize she is still with you, even though you can't see her. That's huge, and that's going to be a great comfort one day. <3 <3 <3
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Ahw. Reminds me of my own Mee-maw.
This was a delight to read, though depressing, and I'm very sorry for your loss. It's never easy. And don't worry, the mourning will pass. You'll never forget, but you'll learn how to live with it. ^^
I remember losing my grandmother. I was a child, then. Never really did hit home, considering I couldn't understand anything at the time. But I do remember my father's reaction. It's the same one he gets when he gets drunk and happens across country music. xD
Rule of thumb: when you get old enough and drink, -never- listen to country. Total downer.
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