While walking up to the dark abandoned insane asylum, Neil spotted his group of friends waiting on the steps. Sharon stepped off the steps and smiled and asked, “What took you so long? The ghosts aren’t going to be out forever.” Neil rolled his eyes and told her, “Well sorry that I had to put my kids to bed.” Sharon smacked him in the back of the head, and grabbed the equipment off the ground. “Let’s go.” She told the rest of the group. The owner of the asylum gave them the key and just told them, “Good luck. Hope you make it out alive.” That sent chills down the spines of the group. “Hope we don’t lose anyone.” Sharon whispered in Neil’s ear. They started walking up the steps when they heard one of the others in their group say, “Do I have to come with? I have weird feelings about this place.” Neil rolled his eyes and grabbed their arm and told them, “Come on Darlene. I won’t let the ghosts get you.” A male voice said, “I might though.” Neil walked up the steps and unlocked the door to the asylum and walked inside. “Come on Xavier. Stop picking on Darlene.” Neil told him. They all walked up the stairs into the asylum and Sharon smiled and explained, “Don’t lose your flashlight.” After they shut the door and locked it, all the crazy stuff started happening. Kandi complained after the first 5 minutes, “Wil, stop pulling my hair!” Wil yelled back at her, “I’m in front of you. How could I do that when I’m up here?” Kandi shrugged and they kept walking. All of a sudden, they heard a scream coming out of nowhere. “What was that?” Sharon asked. “I don’t know, keep moving.” They finally arrived down in the morgue. Kandi and Karen started to shake. “What’s wrong you two?” Jordan asked them. “We can’t move. Something is holding us here.” Kandi said. All of a sudden, they were both lifted up in the air, and Karen was set back down carefully, but Kandi was slammed into the wall. “Oh my god! Kandi,” Neil yelled, “Are you okay?” Kandi didn’t respond. “We need her out of here now.” Sharon said. Xavier and Lori lifted her up, and they were all headed towards the door, when the door slammed in their faces and was locked. They heard a child giggle and then a man’s voice said, “You won’t make it out of here alive.” Karen and Darlene started screaming, and Jordan and Wil put their hands over their mouth and they jumped. “Be quiet. Don’t upset the ghosts.” Neil said. Sharon explained to them, “They are mad enough, and they are going to get even madder.” Sharon walked up to the door, and slammed her hand through the window and shattered the glass. She said, “Oww. That hurt. Let’s go.” She unlocked the door and they went upstairs. They heard more screaming and Xavier threw Kandi over his shoulders and they took off running. While running, they heard a thud, and loud screaming. They stopped and turned around, and Wil asked, “Where’s Lori?” All they could hear was screaming and nails dragging on the floor. It went dead silent. They lost someone. “Oh great,” Neil said sarcastically, “Who’s next?” They headed over to the solitary confinement ward and Karen complained, “Sharon, would you please stop pulling my shirt?” Sharon’s eyes bugged out of her head. Neil asked, “Sharon. What’s wrong?” He saw in the flashlight beam, two hands wrapping around her neck. “Karen, move!” Neil yelled. Karen ran from where she was, and hid behind Xavier and Kandi. “What happened?” She asked frantically. “You were almost strangled by a ghost.” Darlene said, tauntingly. Karen screamed, and saw Darlene being lifted away. “Stop it,” Darlene screeched, “Put me down now!” And all you could hear after that was Darlene swearing at the inanimate object. Then, there was another moment of dead silence. “Neil,” Karen asked, “Can we leave now?” Neil shook his head. “I’m sorry. I lost the key.” He said sadly. There was a dead silence until they heard a quiet groan. They looked over at Xavier and he said, “Kandi is finally waking up.” Kandi starting sliding off of Xavier’s shoulder, and said quietly, “What happened?” Neil and Sharon sighed quietly. “You got attacked by a ghost.” Sharon explained. They kept moving and finally got to the solitary confinement ward. “Just think,” Jordan said quietly, “People went crazy in these rooms.” Karen and Kandi stayed quiet. “Let’s put someone in one,” Xavier smiled, “See how mad the spirits will get.” Neil rolled his eyes. Sharon said, “Let’s put you in there. See how you feel Xavier.” Wil shoved him in there, and Jordan came up behind him and shoved him in there with. Neil closed the door, and looked through the small window. They heard loud screaming, and they looked inside the room, and they found that Xavier was being slammed into the wall. “Let me out of here!” Wil screamed. They opened the door, but it was too late for Xavier. He was lying there, dead, without a pulse. “Should we leave his body?” Karen asked. “We’ll come back for him in the morning,” Kandi said, “Let’s just get out of here.” They were headed up the next flight of stairs when the spirits tried to contact them again. “Leave,” the spirit said, “Leave our place of peace.” Wil laughed, “You call this place peace? It’s more like hell on earth.” The spirits became more aggravated with them. “I said leave,” The spirit yelled, “Or face our dire consequences.” Sharon and Karen started shaking. “I think we should leave them alone.” Karen said, while shaking. “I agree with her,” Sharon begged, “Please Neil. Let’s get out of here.” Jordan started to fool around, “Oh look at me. I’m a stupid ghosty. Ooh… I can’t do anything to these people at all.” Wil ducked quickly, and Jordan was hit by a flying wheelchair. “Oh my god,” Kandi yelled, “Jordan. Are you okay?!?!” She bent down and felt his neck for a pulse. “He’s gone.” She said sadly. “Another one to leave behind until morning.” Wil said. They ran upstairs, wanting to get the heck out of there. The spirits were still taunting them. “Leave,” the spirit said, “Leave us now. Or you will never find Lori or Darlene.” Neil stopped suddenly, “Where are they?” The spirit taunted, “Somewhere in the building. But they are goners now.” Sharon screamed, “We have to find the key!” Wil flew upstairs and yelled, “I see something shiny!” They all ran upstairs and saw the shiny item, glittering on the floor in the beams of their flashlights. Kandi ran to pick it up, and she was tripped, and dragged into the darkness. “Tell my kids I love them!” She screamed. Sharon was shaking violently. “Another one is out,” Neil said, “We need to get out of here. Wil, grab the key.” Wil shook his head, “No way. I am not getting it. Send Sharon.” Neil said, “We need you to. Please.” He begged. “Fine.” Wil finally gave in. He went over and picked the key up. “Umm… you guys…there is more than one key.” He said, nervously. “It’s good enough,” Karen said, “Hand them here.” She grabbed them from his hand and started walking. “I think our exit is upstairs.” Sharon guessed. They ran upstairs and sighed when they saw the door. The spirit was there for his last and final taunting. “It’s too bad that your friends are gone,” The spirit said, “But only three of you are getting out alive.” Their jaws dropped when the spirit had said that. “Who’s going to be taken?” Wil asked. “Just walk for the door,” The spirit said, “But if you run, I will get you even quicker.” Wil rolled his eyes, “You can’t get me.” He ran for the door, while the others stayed behind, listening to the spirit. While running down the darkened hallway, he was almost to the door, when he was lifted into the air. “Put me down,” He yelled at the top of his lungs, “Please, I beg of you. I have children!” The spirit taunted him, “Well, I guess they don’t have a daddy anymore.” He was slammed violently into the wall, and was dragged into the never-ending darkness. He screamed, “Sharon! Make sure you tell my kids I love them!” The dead silence had returned. “Are we allowed to walk slowly, oh Great Spirit?” Sharon had praised the spirit. “Yes, you may. But once you get to the door, have fun choosing the key.” It was having its fun, taunting the poor, innocent people. Karen slowly pulled the ring of keys out of her pocket. “Oh great,” Karen groaned, “Let’s get to the door.” Sharon, Neil, and Karen walked slowly towards the door, holding hands. “Keep holding hands, and then if someone gets tugged, we can keep them grounded.” Neil whispered to the other two. They finally got to the door. Karen started trying all the keys. “Take your time.” The spirit said quietly. She started slowing down. “Don’t get it mad Karen.” Neil said. She had been trying all the keys for 10 minutes, when one finally fit in the door. “Finally,” Karen sighed, “We can leave.” The spirit moaned loudly, “But I was having fun!” Sharon talked calmly, “But you hurt our friends, and made them disappear.” The spirit sighed, “I’m sorry. I guess you win.” Neil had to be friendly, unlike his normal sarcastic nature. “We will come back and visit.” He said, nicely. The spirit was happy, for once during that long night. “I will be waiting,” The spirit responded, “And I will reveal my true self.” There was a quick gust of cold air, and they looked, and saw a young man, wearing an Edwardian tuxedo, and a black fedora. “Hello. I am Joseph,” He introduced himself, “I cannot wait for your next visit, and you have outsmarted a very intelligent spirit.” The spirit walked towards the door, and opened it for them. “Thank you. We will visit in a week,” Sharon said, “But we will be back in the morning for our friends’ bodies. Please place all of them right near the door.” Joseph, the spirit, nodded and waved. Neil, Karen, and Sharon took off out of there and ran towards their cars, and they got the hell out of there. They returned in the morning, and found their friends’ bodies, and they collected them, and left. “Wow,” They all said, “What a night.” Neil, Sharon, and Karen buried their friends, so they could be at peace. They all returned to the asylum the next night, to have a formal visit with their new friend, Joseph, the spirit, and finally he was at peace in his asylum.
What did you like about it?
Comments
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I suggest that you re-format so the paragraphs and dialogue are separate, making the story easier to read. It kind of makes me wonder why they would actually have gone to the place in the first place and why they would choose to return at the end, after their friends had been killed.
still, the story was gripping and held my attention all the way through, quickening my pulse in several places. Nice work for your first story posted on storywrite. Great work, keep on writing.
~Mab

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Okay well your first story and I'm first to comment, now there's a challenge.
So critically, you need to seperate your paragraphs so we can understand where the end and begin, some grammatical errors here and there, mostly concerned around the dialogue, but your plotline is great. Very original, spooky even. You were very descriptive which is great and I look forward to reading more.





