“How was your day?” asked Mom, holding the door wide open so that Jimmy, Philip, and Levi could walk through. The room they had stepped into was a relatively small sitting room with a desk in the far corner. Jimmy’s nose told him his mom had been baking cookies. He crossed the room and sat down at the Kitchen table, plopping his backpack on the floor next to it. 1
“Little Jimmy here has some exciting news to tell you,” said Philip grinning down at Jimmy. The family called him Little Jimmy for he was short for his age. 2
Jimmy’s freckled face looked up at Philip in puzzlement. “I do?” He questioned. 3
“Yeah of course you do. Remember?" asked Levi,joining the conversation. "You said your History teacher gave you a seven page paper on the great depression to write by next week."4
“That’s not exciting. I say that’s hard,” replied Jimmy in frustration. 5
Mom sensing an argument cut in, “Have any ideas for it yet?” She grabbed a plate of cookies from the counter top and placed it on the table. 6
“No, I’m not sure what I’ll do yet,” said Jimmy stuffing half a cookie into his mouth. 7
“I’m sure you’ll think of something with that imagination of yours. Why don’t you go work on your other homework awhile? It seems like you have a lot to do.” That was for sure. Though he was only in 3rd grade, his teachers felt the need to give him large amounts of homework for what he would consider no good reason. 8
Several hours after dinner, Jimmy had enough of homework. His math wasn’t making sense. He knew four thousand, seven hundred eighty-nine divided by eight equaled three hundred sixty-two; or at least he thought it did. His eyes were bugging out. His brain wasn’t thinking right and he was getting tired. What he needed was a nice warm shower and some sleep. He could ask Philip to help him with his math after school tomorrow. 9
After his shower he crawled into bed, pulling the covers tight over his head. At night his dreams were filled of the monsters hiding in the closet. He never could hide from the big bulging eyes, green scaly skin, huge canine teeth, and oddly shaped feet of the monsters. As for the monsters’ arms, they had none, but wings to fly into the chilled night just barely escaping Jimmy’s grasp, only to return the next night. But this time his dream was…different. 10
"we welcome you into our world, stranger." said a voice far off in the distance.
A contest entry
- Trophies for the Trophy-less by May Kingston.
175 points, ended May 24, 72 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 28 of 28
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WOw
I thought I had it bad in private school at eigth grade, and then here is a third grader doing more homework than me!! I feel retarded now. xD Pretty good I guess. Something about your writing is missing flavor, I don't know why. Try adding more characteristics in how they speak, or maybe something unique in how you describe them. I personaly would like to know alittle more about the characters, I didn't really get that much of a picture, or at least the picture you wanted us(the readers) to see. I would say make the prologue a little longer if necessary to get us addicted to the hidden plot. Otherwise, I think thats it. (gee if only I could follow my own advice too. xD)
I hope to read more, please hurry to write the first chapter. I would really like to see what kind of story your writing. Best of luck! ^_^ -
Not bad, though Jimmy may be just a little too mature for his age. Though maybe that was the effect you were going for. I don't know. But I still like it. Thanks for entering!
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4: I don't know whether history is capitalized...
4: Capitalize Great Depression
?: "We welcome you into our world, strange," said a voice far off in the distance.
That's about all. I'd like to see what this story is going to turn into. It seems wayy interesting and seems like something amazing that's just getting started. I hope you recieve more comments.
-wishing-star123
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not bad
But it didn't feel like a prologue sorry. May be more suitable as a chapter. Write something else to introduce this one would be my only suggestion. -
Man... It didnt do it for me. As a prologue, you want to put in something that would echo with the plot of the story. It might even give an inkling of a tiny suspense that is within the book. For example, the prologue of 'Angels and Demons' is where a scientist working in the Antartica region gets shot by a group of guys in a helicopter. You kind of expect something from thereon...
So as a prologue, I think it really didnt strike it. The style of writing is pretty ok. I kind of liked it. But here's where you should work on more. You seemed to have left an incomplete picture of Jimmy and the others. I mean, I get that Jimmy is the protagonist. But I havent related with him yet. Thats probably because you havent gone into details about the little bugger yet. I dont know if he is naughty, if he is really nice guy, if he is studious... You get what I mean? The reader knows nothing of the character.
I really couldnt get the theme of the book from the first para. But that is, I think, all upto the author on how he wants to say the story.
Hoping you go on... -
Man... It didnt do it for me. As a prologue, you want to put in something that would echo with the plot of the story. It might even give an inkling of a tiny suspense that is within the book. For example, the prologue of 'Angels and Demons' is where a scientist working in the Antartica region gets shot by a group of guys in a helicopter. You kind of expect something from thereon...
So as a prologue, I think it really didnt strike it. The style of writing is pretty ok. I kind of liked it. But here's where you should work on more. You seemed to have left an incomplete picture of Jimmy and the others. I mean, I get that Jimmy is the protagonist. But I havent related with him yet. Thats probably because you havent gone into details about the little bugger yet. I dont know if he is naughty, if he is really nice guy, if he is studious... You get what I mean? The reader knows nothing of the character.
I really couldnt get the theme of the book from the first para. But that is, I think, all upto the author on how he wants to say the story.
Hoping you go on... -
I must admit, I'd love to hear more. Maybe not the most exciting beginning but very original. Can you put out a comment when you make another
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sure can, it might be like 2 or 3 weeks though
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8 out of 10
It was good but not terrific...I liked it though and I think once you write more then it will be really good. Keep it up. Im interested.
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you should write more
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I'm working on chapter one now
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9 out of 10
I thought it was FANTASTIC! Very descriptive, and the beginning draws you in and makes you want to read more. Very good, I LOVED it! -
most things have been commented on... i agree that his homework seems much more advanced. is he supposed to be genius? i'm curious to see how this connects to monsters and children of hope(:
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I agree with pretty much what everyone else is saying. It caught my interest, but in places (mostly the first couple of paragraphs) it seems a little wordy. I think the major things have already been pointed out, though.
The only thing that really stuck out to me that I had a problem with, and this is kind of a minor detail, is that it seems like Jimmy's homework is WAY more advanced than it should be in 3rd grade. 3rd graders are only 8 or 9 years old, so most of them haven't reached a stage where they could realistically be expected to write 7 pages, especially on a historical event. And when I was that age, I never had several hours worth of homework except when I was doing a special project (posters and such). Or is he in some kind of advanced program/school?
Anyway, I liked it and I'll be looking for more! -
Great beginning. You managed to pique my curiosity and make me wonder about the dream. I look forward to more.
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First thing - your background on the story made it hard to read, for me at least. I'm going to try to note some little things to tighten this up, because the language feels a little wordy and meandering which can obscure the story.
Graph 1 - add a comma after "asked mom". You might want to cut "he entered the next room which was the kitchen" to "He entered the kitchen" or "He crossed to the kitchen" for brevity.
Graph 2 - I think you can cut "by all means".
I like your dialogue here, casual and Jimmy sounds young just in his phrasing. Also like the borderline-petulant tone of his thoughts about homework.
Your description of the typical dream is vivid and well-done, but it feels like an abrupt place to end things. I'd advise considering at least starting the different dream in the prologue. I know you probably wanted to save that for the start of your story proper, but when you write a prologue, the start of the prologue IS the start of the story proper. Alternately, you might want to consider making the dream the prologue and flashing back to family and homework in chapter 1. Just some thoughts. A pretty good start, keep up the hard work
beginning: 3, language: 3, plot: 3, ending: 3, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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I liked it :)
I liked this peice and it makes me want to read on, definatly.
Although, I feel a little bit, well i guess the word would be empty, about the start of it. I'm not sure how to describe it other than i feel the skelengton there, just no meat. I think what it might be is a lack of emotion making me feel this way.
But you don't have to listen to me, it might be the way you wrote it for a purpose.
Other than that though, it was nice
Thank you for sharing!
beginning: 3, language: 5, plot: 4, ending: 5, dialog: 3, characters: 2.
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ME WANT COOKIES! Very interesting. Well written, nicely structured and a lot of useful infrmation already in the first page! I loved your descriptions of everything. I just wondered, what is a "sitting room"? You've got some minor problems here and there, such as punctuation, that's usually what it comes out with, but elsewise it was perfect. I look forward to read more!
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a sitting room, is like a living room, or a family room.
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Ok, just as I thought, just had to check.
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Hm...for a prologue it seems interesting. However...
Prologues need to really draw re3aders onwards, so if it's a book in a store, they'll wanna buy it so they can read ON. Here, you don't give us much information about what was so overly special about the dream. Maybe start the dream and then end at a scary/thrilling part of it? This way, the reader will want to know what Jimmy does once he wakes up.
- HT -
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Maybe the dream is supposed to start in the next chapter? Who knows, except the creator?
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yeah the dream starts the next chapter, you're supposed to want to know what the dream is, that's what supposed to make you read more.
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Hah, I was RIGHT! And I haven't even read the next chapter yet! I'm just so familiar with that kind of author's strategies, I use it quite often myself.
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What was the dream? *thinks*
Good start, but can you introduce Jimmy, Levi and Phillips a bit more? And elaborate the good news, I didn't quite catch what it was.
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I like it. Makes me want to read on.
:]
PS. What kind of homework are they giving to third graders these days???
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Wow. I really liked this. It really grasped my attention. Thanks for the great read. I am looking forward to reading more.
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wow~ like it!
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