It was a Monday evening. Jane had gotten home later than usual. Normally she would get home an hour or two before Nathan, but this Monday it was only a couple of minutes. After opening the door she placed the keys in the usual bowl on the dresser in the hall, before producing two sheets of paper from her purse. Walking to the kitchen she crumpled the papers before throwing them out.1
Back in the hall, Jane stretched out her left hand in front of her, looking at the engagement ring on her finger. She removed the ring and placed it on the dresser next to the bowl. The sound of Nathan unlocking the door made her jump. She took a deep breath to steady herself. He didn’t even get to closing the door before she spoke.2
“I can’t marry you.” Jane crossed her arms. Nathan just looked at her incredulously. Jane was growing impatient for him to speak, but tried not to show it.3
“You can’t marry me?” was his eventual reaction, he sounded quite doubtful. 4
“No.”5
“What? Why? I don’t understand. Where is this coming from?”6
“I just can’t marry you.” 7
There was another pause. Nathan was stunned, Jane nervous. She looked down. Not knowing what to do with her hands, she started to fiddle with the engagement ring on the dresser, pushing it around on the polished surface. Timidly she pushed it towards him with her fingertips while looking pleadingly at him.8
“Is there someone else?” Nathan was going from baffled to angry rather quickly. Jane just pushed the ring even further towards him.9
“So you have done something and now you are hoping that I’ll make it easy on you. Well I will.” He stomped past her. She didn’t move from the hallway. A couple of minutes later he returned with a bag.10
“I’ll be at my brother’s if you decide to give me a proper explanation.” He said before slamming the door behind him. 11
He left the ring on the dresser.12
After he left, Jane let out the air in her lungs with a sigh. She hadn’t realised that she had been holding her breath. Picking up the ring she sighed again, she left the hallway carrying it on an outstretched palm before her like it had suddenly become dangerous. She went into the living room and got an envelope out of her desk, poured the ring into it and sealed it. Holding the envelope between two fingers she walked back into the hallway where she propped it up against the bowl. 13
The phone rang, it startled her deep as she was in thought. She went to pick it up.14
“Hello, this is Mindy from the clinic. I called to make another appointment. Dr. Smith want to make sure you understand the implications of your decision.” 15
“Thank you, but no.”16
“Dr. Smith wanted you to know that you may have a chance now, but if you change your mind later it will be too late.”17
“Thank you, but I won’t change my mind.”18
“Normally we schedule an appointment where you bring your family or partner so your loved ones will know exactly what is happening to you as well.”19
"That won’t be necessary. Goodnight." 20
“It’s easier this way,” she told herself while putting down the phone.21
A contest entry
- Flash Fiction 500-800 words by Tricia3.
300 points, ended May 3, 4 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Flash Fiction by Lady Pixie.
400 points, ended August 16, 26 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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very sad. im not a big fan of this woman deals with it. im not a big believer of: if you actually do love someone enough than you will let them go.
she needs to tell him and let him decide
overall 6/10 -
A sad short story. At first I thought that it was simply a scene describing a woman trying to break up with her fiance- perhaps due to another man- but the twist in the end caught me off guard.
As far as characterization goes, I find her selfish and weak. I'm sorry to say I didn't like the woman. She didn't evoke sympathy in me. However, it was good writing, though... and just because I didn't like the character- doesn't mean that I don't like the story. In fact, a story that can make me think like this one did, is good in my book.
I did catch a couple of small errors:
P2: Back in the hall Jane stretched out her left hand in front of her, looking at the engagement ring on her finger.
comma after hall
P8: Not knowing what to do with her hands she started to fiddle with the engagement ring on the dresser, pushing it around on the polished surface.
comma after hands
P13: After he left Jane let out the air in her lungs with a sigh.
comma after left
P20: ”That won’t be necessary. Goodnight.”
the first quote mark is backwards
Overall, I did enjoy this and I thank you for entering it in the "Flash Fiction" contest!
Good luck!
beginning: 4, language: 4, plot: 3, ending: 3, dialog: 4, characters: 3.
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This was very good and yes it was sad but it sounded just like a relationship that is out there right now . one that has ended in the same terms .
Well deserved of the award given and you touched on a lot of emotions. This was very well done with the words you used and this kept me hooked from the first to the last line. Thanks for the great read and will look forward to more or you fine work.
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good job.... very well writting
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It sounds to me like she is a real quitter
She has even a slight chance and doesn't share it with the man who loves her? That is just not fair to him. no matter how much she thinks she is protecting him.
It's a very good story,I would like to see it end differently.
But I'm sure she thought she was doing it out of love, but that is almost the ultimate betrayal.
Thanks for entering and great story telling.
Trish
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aawwww
wow. This amazes me. I was wrapped in as soon ans Jane says her first line. Actually it made me cry. Its a great story. Kudos
beginning: 3, language: 3, plot: 5, ending: 4, dialog: 4, characters: 4.
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