The whole world radiated freshness. Shane, the first of the two suns set slowly and disappeared below the horizon. The sky that embraced the planet turned slowly and softly from a pallid turquoise to a shimmering green. Athfeyn, the second Sun now ruled the sky solo for the first time in millennia, its gleaming light unfiltered and all attention belonged to this small Sun alone. Shane's blue light now belonged to the part of the planet down under where Athfeyn would soon be too. But for now, the green light emitted from the burning ball of gas and illuminated all of the land with a radiance that was unmatchable, it would not be wasted. Without Shane to drown out Athfeyn's beauty the planet that the two suns dominated, Klaneth looked quite different.1
None of the creatures moved, all were frozen. Watching. Waiting. The bizarre animals that would usually fight, whether to kill, to mate or to feed; stay frozen now. Gazing into the sky in perfect harmony with the world around them. Everything is quiet. Peace is the element of this world for now. It's beautiful, filling the air and the very blood of every creature with hope. A rare beauty. The tranquillity echoes around, reverberating through the ground. But nothing can be done to disturb this peace. This is how it would be for three minutes millennia before; the same will happen millennia to come after this moment.2
Athfeyn has reached the brink of the sky, ready to plummet into the Shadow World on the raw under belly of Klaneth.3
In that moment, to those with the keenest eyes, the touching of the Green Sun and the Horizon is marked by the first cry. A shattering sound to break the silence, heart wrenching with so many emotions. A large and brutesque creature announces it's presence with the wildest and most musical of cries, of sad pining and yet great inner joy. This beast is joined by another nearby, and then more. The cry spreads like a wildfire. Like a terrible miracle’s tale being retold and like a beautiful plague’s wrath as it kills millions. Millions of voices sing out, willing to be hears by the Gods themselves perhaps if there are any.4
The beautiful orb of green fire that seems to swell as it bathes the land in beauty for the last time for an age to come. The unity of noise climaxes. Then stops. Echoes of the beautiful and deadly song drift through the sudden silence, hauntingly, chillingly... and then the sun, the Green Athfeyn, sets behind the world.5
The song has ended, the trance broken. If the planet is still there millennia to come, maybe it will happen again. If not, then one shard of true beauty has been lost forever.6
Author notes
just a description for a competition, the scene popped into my head as I read the rules and literaly just started writing straight away. Hope you liked it! Thanks for reading!
A contest entry
- Story Contest #4 (Description--Two Options) by VelvetWings.
350 points, ended May 10, 10 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
any typos? any improvements?
Comments
1 - 15 of 15
-
Ooh, rich alien planet description! One of my favorites! I love the otherworldy stillness and the slowness with which the suns depart the sky. It makes me dwell in the moment and revel in the creatures' song.
Then I wonder if they'll survive in the dark.
The eerie beauty and the colors you used for the suns really made this scene pop for me. Just one thing: in p5, isn't the green sun called Athfeyn?
I read an article in Discover magazine on why we can't ever have green suns in RL. So sad! I'd love a green sun!
And you've been hoodwinked!
-
-
wow a hoodwink! thankyou
I never get hoodwinked. 
and yeah a green sun would be awesome ^^
thankyou!
-
-
this is an awesome description and a glorious use of words. I cna't think of any way to improve it. But you did have one typo. In paragraph 4 you have "hears" when i think you meant "heard" but other than that this was an amazing read.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
-
-
ah! thanks, shall obliterate the typo now
-
-
A really vivid description, very well done.
One error I noted you say "weather" when you mean to say "whether" in the 2nd paragraph.
Keep up the good work!
-
-
ah thankyou!
-
-
ok typo's have been obliterated does anyone know how to spell brutesque though? I know what I've put is wrong :S
-
This is a lovely write; I was impressed with your description of this place you created. I imagined it like a picture in a magazine or something; vivid and clear (and somewhat glossy).
The only problem I had whilst reading this are some spelling and grammar errors. You might want to read it over again and pick them out so you can edit. I counted 10 in the first paragraph alone. Storywrite has a built in spellcheck feature; I suggest you use that because it could weed out a lot of potential errors before the story is even posted.
It's a nice piece, however, and thank you for entering the contest! Good luck to you.
~Sparrow
-
-
thanks i shall try and weed out the errors now ^^
i would use the spell check but i used it once when i first and it changed alot of the words and stuff :S havn't trusted it since then. i know i'll copy and paste it in and out of word thanks again
millie. -
-
That's a good idea.
-
-
yup, being dyslexic my spelling is pretty amazingly awful
-
-
-
-
Beautiful, very lovely!
At the end of paragraph (1) maybe the sentence could be smoother?
Paragraph(2) You have thing wrote back to back
Paragraph(4) silence, perhaps, and voices is mispelled
I'm not sure I caught all of the grammer problems I am horrible at it.
Other than that what a wonderful story.. I was caught up in it much like the creatures were frozen in their moments..
Good luck in the contest.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
-
-
thaankyou :3 some of my infamous misspellings there
glad you liked it ^^
-
-
A very magical atmosphere.Very good job.
-
-
thankyou, that's what I was going for
-
Adding your comment:
1 - 15 of 15
