To Be Decided

     I cram my head into the eggshell white pillow, wanting to cry, to scream. I don't know. Anything, just to feel. I can't stand it..I finally understand. Everything. He's gone. He's done with me. He's not coming back. 1

     Do you remember me?  If our paths ever met again, would you just stroll on by with out a second thought, never so much as recognize me? Would you walk by, but after a few moments, take a second look, let yourself gaze for a short while, and think, God, why'd I leave this?.Why you had ever made the choice to leave it all, your family, friends...me. Why the thing you had chosen to leave for was the only thing that told you to leave.. and you still decided to go?2

Still.3

     I think..correct me if I'm wrong, Not-so-super hero, but it was basically 10 to lose, one to win. Just one. Was it worth it? It must have been, you're not here, but I still don't understand. It was supposed to be perfect. Best friends forever, not even that sounds enough to say what we are...sorry, were. You were supposed to go to college there in December, start in January,No big deal. We'd do everything we had planned to do throughout the summer and fall, and always keep in touch.You'd come for New year's, Valentine's Day. It was so unreal, but since our love was, I still believed you. "I promise" You lied. I know you said it. I heard. I smiled. So how'd you discover that place anyway? The college. Did you found it online? a college fair?...Or, even more likely,Did that famous high pitched, sing song voice we both know and love(or not) persuade you? "There's this college out here, they have all the classes you wanted to take, we should check it out" Her voice becoming lower, softer somehow. Cotton. "...and you'll need a place to stay right?" Yeah. thats probably what she said. Word for word, I'll bet. And you fell. Hard.4

Oh yeah, one more option. The way I want it to be.

     We would be in the parking lot to our mall, right next to our movie theatre. You would walk toward me, jet black headphones in your ears, straightened brown hair brushing against your forehead from the wind and a huge, silly smile on your face, a black and white from the beanery, just like our first date. I'd squeal like I always do, and run to you, jumping into your arms. You'd hold me tight saying the words I crave to hear more than any other words you could think of, even more than the lie 'I love you'. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry". You had realized how bad you leaving had screwed me up, or, more correctly, how the reason you left me screwed me up..5

      But this,to my remorse, is just one of the made up, not to mention surreal, conversations that happen in my mind every day I am alone. That's why I hate it so much, being alone. The Quiet. That's when I hear my deepest thoughts, which is, despite how scary clowns and dolls are, my worst fear. I really think too much. I never over-analyze, I just wish I had a filter in my mind, just like those mini aquariums they have at my friend's house. But I'm not writing this because of the guy, or the girl you never told me about, or even for me. I'm writing this so you can understand, or try to. Really try. Whether you know me or not, this is written so you won't ever listen to anyone's stories of love and pain, and treat it like some TV show again. Total apathy. Just a few "Aww"s, frowns or smiles aren't enough sometimes. You won't have to make anyone wonder Am I talking to a brick wall?. No more showing complete and utter apathy. Please, never do that. to anyone. Noone deserves that, not even the worst people. You'll never know how much it hurts, but of course you will sooner or later 'cause what goes around comes around.6