Mind of a Demon, Heart of a Child, Soul of an Angel: Chapter One

The little blonde girl walked down the busy town cluttered with cars and people holding many pamphlets in her arms with a picture of a Golden cross on it and engraved on the cross read “Our Savior”. She is wearing her favorite outfit from her plain black T-shirt, blue jeans and her old worn out vans.1

Walking through the populous streets of Downtown Phoenix in the year 3011; cars constantly making a cacophony of honks and shouting from anger pedestrians. The air is filled with smoke from cars to fires and the sky can barely be seen. More cars, more people, more smoke, more crime, more drugs, more disasters, the more closer it is to Armageddon, but even more to put on America’s plate is that they have…. “Them”. 2

‘Them’ is still much unknown to people in America and the world. “Them” appeared not too long ago to the people but the people of America wondered if the government knew about “Them” before they did. They say that that one is a vampire that has been helping others but often been known to be stealing and lives to America’s northern neighbor. Another is a boy who carries a large halberd around and face is always hidden but the U.S doesn’t know who or what country he is affiliated with and is always being hunted down for some strange reason even though he has done nothing to protect the people or harm the people of America.. There are not only two but many more that are still lurking in the shadows and hiding from what they fear the most…being hunted down and killed by humans.   3

Out of curiosity the little girl tilted her head all the way back looking at the 50 story buildings, some abandoned…left for dead and some filled of people…left for more big business. All the buildings are about 20 to 30 feet high and some even higher, so tall that you cant really see the sky anymore. These buildings made her feel small, weak and insignificant. 4

“Hey! I still can’t see the sky!” she said jumping up and down, “there are too many very tall buildings.”5

The little girl sighed and continued on her way to her destination dodging and making her way through crowds filled with very angry and impatient people. Finally she made it to a corner of the street near an intersection. She then grabbed the crate next to the cross walk pole and stood on it so she could be seen…or at least try to be seen with the fact that there are so many people around here ready to cross the street. 6

“Everybody! I have great news! Today is the day the new church has opened, “she then raised her little arms high holding up the pamphlets, “this one! On the papers! It is called…uh…,” she then looked at the pamphlets again to reassure herself of the name, “the Sacred…sa…san…chu…ary….” The little girl repeated it over and over again but just couldn’t get it. Then a mysterious person, wearing what looks like something that you wear to go into the desert to keep from dieing from heatstroke, walked next to the bemused girl. 7

He stared at her while she whispered to the words to herself, “the word is Sanctuary kid.” 8

The girl looked up at him but couldn’t see his face due to it being hidden by his long hood, “thanks mister,” she said smiling. 9

The man then turned and faced forward waiting for the crosswalk to turn green. The girl observed him up and down. He didn’t look as if he was one of the business people or rich either. In this crowd of people HE stood out the most but it looked as if he was poor and had no where to go…she wondered if he did have a place to go….she hoped he wasn’t poor or lived in the streets. Just thinking about it made her about to cry. 10

She then nudged on the guy’s coat, “um….mister? Sorry for bothering you; my name is Ara, if you need help or food,” she then pulled out a pamphlet and held it out to him, “you can come to this church, and they will make everything better for you….I promise.”11

The man’s hood faced her and he chuckled; “really now? What makes you so sure that they will help me…Ara?” he asked as he grabbed the pamphlet reading it.12

Ara frowned, “I did say I promise! I don’t usually make promises to strangers and I live in the church….my father is the pastor and we try our best to help out the people to warn them the coming of Judgment Day.”13

The man sighed and put the pamphlet inside his coat, “ah…yes, the Christians. The day when God comes to take his people. Let me ask you something Ara…if God does come and take his people…what of…Them? The ones who aren’t human,” people around the two felt a bit uncomfortable when they heard him say Them. It is rare when someone mentions or talks about them because when spoken something bad always follows. 14

Ara thought for a while, “well I do not believe that all of Them are bad. In God’s eyes we are all seen bad…but if we pray, rejoice and repent then we can go into heaven. I do not think that God will judge on what you are…just what you do. I can’t wait till I go to heaven,” the light then turned green and the people all walked across but the man stayed with Ara. 15

Then man stood there thinking about what she said and finally spoke, “Tell me Ara, why do you want to go into heaven so badly?”16

Ara stood there thinking and then pulled out a small decretive crayon box. It looked old as if it were about to fall apart already, It was all blue with little white stars all over it, “this is a present from my mother just before I was going to start preschool. Back then I didn’t understand but now…they said as I got older that she got in a car crash when she dropped me off on my first day of preschool. This is the only thing I remember my mommy…that is why…I just want to be with my mom,” she said as tears rolled out from her light blue eyes. 17

The man patted her head, “look kid, I can understand what happened to your mother and I am sorry that it did happen but would your mom want you to live your life or just give up? Why don’t you stop thinking in your shoes and think about how your mom feels. She wants you to be happy and live your life fully and when your time comes…He will come and take you to your mom…right?” 18

Ara nodded, “thank you….but…do you want to go to heaven?” 19

The man hesitated, “if what they say about heaven is true, then of course…but…I am not going to die yet…I still have unfinished business here,” at that moment gun fire went off nearby; people were running in panic screaming in terror. Ara looked at the people and she turned to tell the man but when she did…he was gone. Ara ran with the large group of people away from the shooting but then someone grabbed her wrist. 20

“Stop! Let go!” she said struggling but whoever had her was stronger than her and then every thing went black and the noises seized. 21

Meanwhile, at one of the most popular banks of Phoenix was being robbed which happens to be one of the tallest buildings and holds about one hundred or two hundred people inside. Cops everywhere with guns pointed at the building and snipers taking the rooftops of the neighboring bank. People were shouting at the cops to hurry up to do something because there loved ones were in that building. 22

“Don’t just stand there! Do something!” some people shouted but the cops refused saying that it was risky due to the fact that there were of course hostages. As the cops fear was focused on the building they now had to worry about people interfering. The police then set up a barricade to prevent the people from getting hurt or getting in the way but the people yelled louder and starting to destroy the barricade. The crowd was yelling in anger. 23

Suddenly a gun shot went off and one cop fell to the floor, “get back! They are firing!” a cop shouted. 24

The people stopped and finally ran away from the area. An ambulance arrived and took the injured cop away from the scene. The cops were now more aware of the enemies now that they fired…these thieves weren’t screwing around. 25

“Look! Who is that?!” a civilian shouted. 26

Everyone’s attention looked up at the building in front of the one being robbed. A dark figure stood there wearing dark clothing and a hood covering its face and body. 27

“It is…it’s them!!!” someone shouted. 28

The person just then swooped down at the 5th floor building breaking into the window like a bullet. The cops stood there confused...they knew what that was but they weren't sure if it was on their side. 29

A contest entry

Yes this is and finally the StoryWrite story. yeah it may be boring at first but it will get better, trust me lol...I wonder who those two were...do you know they were?

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Comments

1 - 23 of 23

  • The Golden Son
    August 28

    Edit | Reply
    Ugh I must now wonder which things are what characters and you make my life difficult. Oh well, there's a bunch more to go and I can't wait to get through it and see what you did with each character. Frankly you made this so mysterious that I'm caught wondering, more than once, whether my character is actually in this chapter. If not he'll show up later, I'm sure. xD

    Ah, self-centered little me...

  • furdos
    August 2
    Edit | Reply
    lovin it so far but there are a few mistakes in it

  • g1: My one suggestion for this paragraph would be that you rethink starting a sentence with a double adjective. With the first sentence should be snappy, and by not feeding us this information you could give the reader some unanswered questions to work with. Even something as simple as "She walked down..." would be more of the essential "?" to the reader.

    g3: Is there any way this information could be weaved in later? This paragraph feels a little to infodump to me.

    g22: the opening sentence here was a bit awkward

    Major major points for the idea here. I love the concept of "Them" and all the question they beg in this opening chapter. The setting is good too, and you described it at least in brief, which good - it kept everything under control and the action flowing. There were times, though, were I felt there were jolts in the motion or awkward phrased sentences that did affect the smoothness of it all, and I also felt a lot of information was presented through author commentary that could have been presented through dialog or character/character interaction.


    Good job, though

    • thanks lol been a while since someone was able to provide me with this info about my story.


  • toolenduso
    July 7
    Edit | Reply
    Well, first off, good job. I'm very intrigued by this and I think you've come up with a great concept here. There's really not much criticism I can give you, so I'll leave you with this: keep it up. I can see this getting really good.

    Thanks for entering, and good luck in the contest!

    Style: 9/10
    Flow: 10/10
    Uniqueness: 5/5
    Readability: 7/7
    Effect: 9/10
    Lack of Errors: 2/3
    Personal Score: 4/5
    Total: 46/50


  • Tashabambam
    June 13
    Edit | Reply
    awesome!!! swoooop


  • Violette silver member
    June 3

    Edit | Reply
    Lurrrrved the title, it intrigued me. I am interested to know who they are. Most suspenceful, I eagerly await more. This has a great deal of promise as a novel.


  • Diary-chan
    May 30

    Edit | Reply
    Cool!!!!

    The 'mutant' thing may be an overused idea but I hink you've added a bit of flavor to it.

    • thanks lol but....um....they are not mutants lol they are what they are. they are not like necromorphs lol

  • I loved it, I can't wait until you have more out. It is an amazing story and got my attention fully.

  • Interesting story line so far.
    Thanks for entering my contest and good luck! :]

  • Ya this is a great write, wonderfully written even if its short lol


  • Cupcake14
    May 14

    Edit | Reply
    Um...let me guess...are 'them' or should i say 'they' angels?
    Nice story, and it makes me pretty curious. Your title is AMAZING-Mind of a Demon, Heart of a Child, Soul of an Angel.
    I don't like it when stories propogate a certain kind of religion-but then, I can read anything as long as I find it good!

    'seized' in line 21 means to grab. I think you meant 'ceased' which means stop.

    Good luck with Chapter Two!(And give me a little kick if I don't comment on it)

    SGS

    • i put "them" because the people only saw one of "Them" in the begining chapter and not "they" but when they come together i might change it lol
      "Them" or "they" lol are not all angels. one is a vampire, a warrior who can manipulate fire, and a neko....there are more though. so it is kind of a mixture of mythical people who lived back then.
      thanks for the fixing lol glad somone helped me -__-
      lol but i dont like forcing people to read my works ._.

  • Very interesting title to a story. I like it.

    I honestly don't think it's a boring start. I do think that it's good that the author (in this case, you) think it's boring because they try even harder to make it more less boring.

    I like this story a lot and thank you for entering in my contest

  • A.n.G.eL.
    May 9

    Edit | Reply
    "cars constantly making a cacophony of honks and shouting from anger pedestrians." lol babe dont u mean angry pedestrians. ^_^

    "They say that that one is a vampire that has been helping others but often been known to be stealing and lives to America’s northern neighbor." babe repeated word lol and also babe towards the end of the story it didnt make any sense to me.

    y would they chase someone innocent?
    in number 5 babe take out very.

    in number 16 it is missing a word

    babe i like it but y phoenix of all places over here the police ask questions after they have already shot. they wont wait when an angry mob goes through lol but over all babe it is awsome love ya babe time for the next one lol ^_^


  • yin20yang
    April 25
    Edit | Reply

    I AGREE WITH HOPE

    This was not boring!!! I want more!! Please Please write faster and more!!!!

    beginning: 4, ending: 5.

    • but! but! but! i like to write slow! cuz i like to writer like a turtle! lol i will try my best


  • Someday Hero. gold member
    April 25
    Edit | Reply
    ....WRITE FASTER.
    And longer chapters.. ._.'

    • like i said before...cant rush a masterpiece lol and this one is short for a reason -__- the other should be longer....shorted it to make uh...what is it called....cliffhanger? idk

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