Starting Over

He got me into so much trouble over the years. But he was always there to get me back out.1

I wonder: will he get me out of this too?2

3

Thanksgiving had just passed and we were back to our routinely long days of learning. A light doily of snow coated the piles of fallen leaves and continued to fall in pastry-thin layers around me as I trudged through the frosted blades of grass on my way to school.4

Monday. The most dreaded day by most, but not me. I eagerly anticipated every day that I got to see my best friend, Tom. He and I would often spend the whole class passing notes and whispered conversations, getting yelled at when the teachers noticed. Just seeing him put a smile on my face.5

I walked through the front doors of the school, feeling the cool air protest by chasing me inside while the warm air welcomed me. The halls were already filled with students with books, book bags, and occasionally posters or projects. Yellow-tinted lights beat down on our skin and reflected from the patterned tiles on the floor. Every inch of wall was covered, whether it was with an ocean of cerulean lockers or with splashes and puddles of advertisements.6

“Hey Erin,” Tom said as I passed his locker.7

“Hey Tom,” I responded. As usual, the “popular” girls glared at me; they were all after Tom.8

I got to my locker and dumped all my books into it, tugging out the ones I needed for my first few classes. As I was gathering my materials Tom walked up to me, already carrying his books by his waist with a nonchalant guitarist’s hand.9

“I’m free after school today. Want to grab some ice cream and do our homework together?”10

My heart jumped a little with a mixture of shock and hope. I had to remind myself that he and I were only friends. “Do you really want to? Or have you just blown through your list of ladies faster than you expected?” I teased him.11

“Yes and yes. I should really stop underestimating myself, shouldn’t I?” he smirked. I merely laughed.12

“I’ll meet you out front after class,” I told him as I strode down the hall toward my first class, letting Tom rush to catch up.13

I made my way through the morning classes, doing my best to listen. Lately I’d been finding myself attracted to Tom, but if I told him our friendship would probably be ruined. Maybe if he had the guts to ask me out I would say yes.14

Usually during lunch Tom and I separated and sat with other people. He would always be surrounded by obnoxious girls who did everything short of taking their clothes off in front of him. I sat with random groups of people whom I would joke around with for the lunch period, or I would sit alone.15

Today was once of the days I decided to eat alone. I watched him flirt with some of the prettier girls and push away those who he thought to be less so. Without my noticing he caught sight of me, and I didn’t realize it until the movement of him walking over and sitting beside me caught my attention.16

“Hey,” he said.17

“You sure caused a ruckus over there,” I commented. The girls at his former table were now arguing, most likely over what made him leave.18

“Oh well. They were getting too desperate,” he said with a slight shrug. Maybe he really was changing his ways. “What did I miss in math?” he asked.19

“After you abandoned me?” I elbowed him and he smirked. “Well, Mr. Hobber basically rambled on for the rest of the class about what a hero Pythagoras was. Smart of you to skip.”20

“Then skip with me tomorrow!”21

“No way! At least one of us has to take coherent notes every day so we don’t flunk. Besides, I’d rather not get in trouble,” I said, crossing my arms.22

“I never get in trouble,” he countered.23

“That’s because all the hall sweepers upstairs are women,” I remarked. He gave me another smirk. I loved it when he did that.24

“Well, maybe you can work some magic on the men downstairs,” he suggested teasingly.25

“Gross! We wouldn’t be skipping together then anyway.”26

“Yeah, good point.”27

The bell rang after that and Tom and I walked to band practice together. He played guitar, in addition to composing and singing outside of school, and I played clarinet. I loved that he was so talented in music. After that we split up as I went to English class and he went to Music Theory. Once arriving there I sat only half-listening as I wondered just how much Tom liked me.28

Finally the bell rang and I rushed to my locker. I packed all my homework into my book bag, put on my coat, and went out front to meet up with Tom.29

“Hey,” he said as I approached him. “Ready to go?”30

“Whenever you are,” I answered.31

We walked to the ice cream shop that was only a few blocks from the school. It composed of a small shack with a curved, red and white overhang and a small window for orders, and a group of splintery wood tables in front of it. No one else was there this late in the year so I proceeded to spread out our books and notes on multiple tables.32

“What flavor?” he asked as I set up our study station.33

“Dark chocolate.” I always had that flavor. Tom always had vanilla.34

He sat down with me a moment later, handing me my ice cream. I nodded my thanks.35

“What should we do first?” I asked.36

“Maybe English. I hate English.”37

We worked through the piles of grammar sheets and chapters of classic books. Then we did math, history, and science. Even though we hardly ever listened in class, we took good enough notes to get straight A’s. Once we were finished we packed up and headed home.38

“We should really stop eating ice cream in November,” Tom said, shivering.39

“Yeah.” I rubbed my arms furiously in attempt to defeat the combined cold of the crisp, restless air and the absence of warmth in my bones. We walked slowly down the weed-infested sidewalk and looked at the various homes around us. Most of them were small in size, but they were diverse in color and design so that no one house was more conspicuous than another.40

We came to the intersection at which Tom and I went our separate ways.41

“Erin…” he spoke quietly.42

“Yeah?” I got nervous by the tone of his deep, clear voice, now tainted with a wispy feel.43

“Do you want to go out with me?” He looked up from his feet with those last few words, looking me dead in the eye.44

I paused, looking into the bottomless eden of brown in his eyes and considering all the factors. “Yes,” I finally answered.45

He pulled me into a warm embrace, banishing the cold around us.46

Even now I can’t remember a time when I was warmer.47

48

Tom waited for me the next morning by my locker. Every girl in the hallways was watching to see what would happen.49

“Hey Tom,” I smiled.50

“Hey Erin,” he responded.51

The girls scowled simultaneously as Tom and I blushed together. They dispersed soon after and I continued to gather my books and head to class.52

After first period I went to gym. The walls towered over me like dead skyscrapers and the light blared angrily down to the shining wood floors. Old bleachers lined one side of the gym, and thin blue pads lines the others. The air was tart with lingering perspiration. Many of the people around me exchanged rumors of what happened between Tom and me. Only once of the conversations caught my attention. It was near the end of the gym period and groups of students were talking in small groups. One group’s conversation was as follows:53

“I don’t know what she thinks she is doing.”54

“Just because he’s popular, he thinks he can do what he wants.”55

“If their parents find out they will be grounded for a year.”56

It was true: Tom had never gotten serious with anyone and I would in huge trouble if the rumors got to the adult world.57

During lunch Tom sat with me, ignoring all the clingy girls.58

“Would you like to go to dinner tonight?” he asked.59

“How?” I raised an eyebrow. Neither of us could drive.60

“You’ll see if you say yes.”61

“Fine. Yes.”62

He smiled contently.63

“So…” I began. “What are we going to do about parents?”64

“Not going to tell them.”65

“Agreed.”66

“Hey Mom,” I called into the house as I arrived home after school. I stepped into the cream-tiled foyer, peering around the corner into the sweet-scented kitchen and looking up the carpeted steps, but she must have been in one of the bedrooms. “Is it okay if I hang out with Tom tonight?” I asked, crossing my fingers. My mom trusted me and we had a good relationship, so I figured I wouldn’t need too much luck for her to say yes. Boy, was I wrong.67

“Is it going to be a date?”68

“No,” I lied.69

“Because I heard some rumors from school that you and Tom are getting involved,” she continued with a hint of warning in her voice. I was silent. Footsteps echoed down the steps and advanced toward me until she was in front of me.70

“Is it?”71

I couldn’t lie, but I couldn’t say yes either. Instead I asked again meekly, “Can I?”72

She growled, her previously nonexistent anger unleashed. “You’re in eighth grade, for God’s sake! And he’s a playboy! You’re smarter than that! Or at least I thought you were!”73

I didn’t say anything.74

Mom hit me across the face. It stung, more than anything else ever had. It stung in my heart like she had poured boiling acid on it.75

“Answer me!” she demanded. Where was this all coming from? Before I could even open my mouth her engagement ring slashed my lips. I watched in terror as the drops of my vitality dripped from the diamond, splashing with a noise like a roaring waterfall against the lifeless tile. As I watched she began beating my arms, and I didn’t know what I had done wrong. Holding my clammy hand lightly over my sealed lips, I ran out the front door.
My legs carried me east, away from the setting sun. The wind toyed with my hair and gently pulled tears from my eyes. I didn’t stop until I bumped into someone walking idly on the sidewalk on the way to my house.76

“Erin?” I looked up, startled.77

“Tom?”78

“What happened?” he asked, furrowing his eyebrows.79

“Nothing,” I stated. Thankfully he didn’t push me farther and instead he led me into a nearby grove. The scarce leaves shaded the setting sun and I sat thoughtlessly on a pile of frosted, crunching forest floor. He sat too and began taking things out of a basket he had been carrying: four blankets, two water bottles, four sandwiches.80

“What’s this?” I asked. My bleeding lip punished me for the words.81

“Dinner,” he replied, handing me a water bottle and a sandwich, and taking one for himself. I shook my head; my lips were bleeding too much for me to want to pass anything through them. 82

“Come on, you need to eat,” he told me quietly. I didn’t answer. “Erin, what happened?” he asked with such sincerity that I was about to tell him what happened. But I couldn’t. What if he hurt someone? What if he thought I was weak? What if he left me?83

“Erin!” He stooped down to look into my downturned eyes. I averted them, but not before I felt the pain radiating from his eyes, so concentrated and pure that I flinched. “You know what? Fine. If you’re not going to talk to me then I should go.” He turned, ever so slowly, not looking away until the last moment.84

I let him go.85

86

Time passed. How much, I don’t know. I sat on the musky forest floor with a blanket wrapped around me, listening to the crisp crunches around me. Then sun’s jubilant melody waned, carried away by the bitter winds and filtered by the cascading sheets of autumn. Tom’s basket and its rough, woven bark still rested beside me, my closest company. Still I did not use any of its contents.87

I slept most of the day and night, continuing to lose blood every time I awoke crying, screaming, whispering, or gasping. Soon this occurred every hour or more. I would often forget my nightmares as soon as I woke up, but the ones I did remember were all of my mother: her chasing me, hitting me again, yelling terrible things, even killing me. Eventually I needed the food and water so I reluctantly swallowed half the provisions from the basket. The dried blood of my cut lip mingled with my throat and besieged my taste buds with its metallic tang.88

More time passed. I was near finished with the food and water from the basket. The sun scattered itself around me, showering with what little warmth it had to offer. In the distance there was a roar that I had heard several times before. I continued to sit there on the fallen leaves. The roar sounded again, much closer, followed by the sight of a magnificent brown bear, with fur swaying this way and that like headlights in the city. It was hungry.89

The bear lunged toward me. I tried to stand and run, but I was too parched and weak. Before I could react it was by my side, roaring over my face. It leaned down, ready to rip my neck. Its breath swirled around me like death. I heard a gunshot then, and a heavy thump beside me.90

“Let me,” a dreaded voice said.91

My mother’s.92

93

Ever since I left Erin there in the forest I’ve been so worried about her. It’s been almost a week now and she hasn’t come back to school for whatever reason, so I was left to wander the school surrounded by cliques, alone. The girls wouldn’t stop bugging me but I just ignored them all.94

“Did you break up with Erin?” they would ask excitedly.95

“What happened to her?”96

“Do you want to talk to me?”97

“No, he wants to talk to me!”98

“Talk to me, Tom!”99

All the teachers were worried about me for reasons other than my not paying attention in class. Mr. Hobber sent me down to the office to have a talk with Mr. Egard, the councilor.100

“Tom, I’ve noticed a change in your behavior lately,” he said to me. I didn’t answer. “I’d like you to go down and talk to Mr. Egard. I think it would do you some good.”101

So I trudged down the darkly dancing stairwell and entered the office. The shift in air was overwhelming at first. As soon as I stepped in it was as if my throat got two times smaller, making it hard to breathe. Despite the fact that the only color in the room, which hung from the ceiling on paper, was twitching with the breeze, the air was too heavy and damp for it to bring any relief. I scanned the mostly monochromatic room for Mr. Egard or someone who could direct me to him. While my eyes searched, my ears found something I did not expect.102

In the other room the secretary was on the phone and she was saying, “That is absolutely terrible!” She hung up the phone, turned to another secretary and exclaimed, “You won’t believe what just happened.”103

“What?” the other secretary asked, sounding uninterested by the tone of her voice.104

“Remember Erin? She was such a sweet girl. Both she and her mother have gone missing. Their front door was open and the police found blood on the floor just inside the door. They’re all looking for them now.”105

I didn’t even fully comprehend the situation before I was out the door of the office, then the door of the school, running to where I last saw Erin. Her mother wasn’t there when I left her, but now they were both gone, and the blood…. Erin could be in danger.
“Please let her be okay, please let her be okay,” I whispered to myself over and over between my ragged breaths.106

I sprinted faster than I thought I ever could, dodging the trees and branches as if I had done so all my life. There on the ground was Erin, and her mother, and a knife at Erin’s throat.107

“No!” I yelled, snatching the knife from Erin’s mother. She stumbled away from me on all fours while I called the police from my cell phone. Only one drop of blood hung from the knife’s blade, but to me it was the most important one. Several police cars and an ambulance came moments later and I watched the commotion, as dazed as the overlapping sirens. Erin was taken to the hospital, and I sat beside her in the ambulance. She felt so frail when I held her hand, as if she were sick and near death. Maybe that was true.108

In the hospital she was taken to one room, then another. I followed, lifeless as the mint-colored walls that surrounded me. Eventually I was able to visit her in her room. As soon as she woke up I could take her home, wherever home may be.109

“Erin?” She stirred slightly.110

“Tom…” she whispered.111

“How are you feeling?”112

“Like I want to go home.”113

I chuckled. “I can do something about that for you.” I went to the desk around the corner where I checked her out and got a wheelchair. Erin reluctantly sat in it and let me wheel her to a waiting car. Since no one was able to drive us home, a police officer was going to. The ride felt as though eternity itself was breathing through our windows. Houses danced slowly by, tugging trees and lawns across with them, and the towering clouds taunted us from above. Finally the officer dropped Erin and me off at her house and drove away.114

“So…what do you want to do?” I asked, not knowing what else to say.115

“Sleep,” she answered shortly. She stepped into the house and around the haunting drops of memory as she went upstairs to her bedroom. I followed.116

“Do you want something to eat first?” I offered.117

“No thanks.” I sighed to myself as she lay down on the bed. When was she going to talk again? 118

“I’m sorry…” I whispered.119

“Hm?”120

“I’m so sorry I left,” I said softly. She nodded idly and fell asleep. I sat on a chair beside her bed and did the same.
I woke to an unsettling darkness. The stars no longer shone through the window’s glass. I stood quietly and felt my way around the room. A smooth, wallpapered wall; the painted, wood door; an empty bed. Then my hand came upon something cool. I felt lightly around it. A knife.121

I gripped the knife despite the pain the action brought and tugged on it, but someone else tugged back. “Erin?” I spoke so quietly my voice wavered in and out.122

“Don’t try to stop me.” It sounded more like a pleading request rather than an order.123

“You can’t ask me to do that! What’s wrong?” I asked desperately.
“I wasn’t supposed to survive earlier today. It was my time.”124

“Stop it!” I cried. Tears welled in my heart, but I couldn’t let her go. “Erin…” I whispered, still holding the knife. With all the force I had I ripped it from her clutch.125

Then I did what I loved most: I sang.126

“You so sad
Treat yourself so bad
Come back here
Things aren’t bad with you near127

You stand there
Standing there so bear
By abyss
Let me help you with this128

You are in pain
And I want to help you
But you’re fine you feign
I don’t know what to do
I want to help you129

You’re here now
You should take a bow
You survived
We should treasure these lives130

You and I
Never thought we’d die
Till this day
But we will find a way131

You are in pain
And I want to help you
But you’re fine, you feign
I don’t know what to do
I want to help you132

Should I tell the police
Let them take you away
Let me help you please
I want you to stay133

You are in pain
And I want to help you
But you’re fine, you feign
I don’t know what to do
I want to help you
Just me and you
I want to help you”134

I sang and sang, for her and her life and her mother, and she began to cry, clutching the sheets of her bed. I sat next to her and held her through the night.135

136

Epilogue137

The final bell rings, marking the end of my eighth grade. Every student, except Tom and me, screams “summer” as if it were the definition of freedom. For us it means the start of an arduous long-distance relationship.138

I encouraged Tom to record and sell his song since the time he sang it to me. He got a contract with a small record company and has sold several copies already. I believe he will thrive in the music industry. In return he encouraged me to talk to someone about what happened, and since I didn’t want to see a doctor I talked to him instead. We would talk late into the nights about the latest events in our lives.139

My mother was tried in court and sent to jail, but a doctor there discovered that a tumor in her brain was causing her violent behavior. It was already in stage four and although several surgeons attempted to remove it, she died in February. I now live in a foster home. My foster parents are just as nice as my mom was, but it’s not the same.140

I’m staying home for the entire summer, unfortunately. I don’t want to go home and part with Tom just yet so I take his hand and bring him to the back of the school. It’s warm with the oncoming summer. The newly sprouted leaves sway to the beat of nature’s song along with the wild blades of grass. The sky is so clear today that it is as if you could see straight through to heaven if you wanted to.141

I always feel sad when I am outside. I’m not sure why, but summer reminds me of endings and partings and all the changes that happened in our 8th grade year. I tell this to Tom and he takes my hand in his. We lie there in the mint-scented grass until he has to leave, and we all start over with a new chapter of our lives.142

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