Tom Was Here

I remember back then when I was 13.1

I remember my brother, Tom, being stabbed by his friend because my brother was accused of stealing his girlfriend. He stabbed him. In front of my eyes. I still remember the red dripping blood on the staircase. I cried silently in the bathroom until all my tears were shed.2

I was feeling fine after a year.3

I was 14 years old, living like a total teenager.4

Then it happened.5

I was going to my school dance. Me and my friends decided that we are going single. No dates.6

I was wearing a purple gown. It was frilly and had lots of flowers. Roses to be exact. That's when I remembered him. My brother.7

Purple was his favorite color. Roses were the flowers in his funeral.8

I was putting on some make up in my bathroom. I ran the waxy red lipstick over my mouth. But something was different. As I looked in the mirror I found that the makeup was the color it should be, but that something was wrong with it. It was warm and wet and runny, streaking in rivulets off my mouth and down my chin... giving off a coppery scent that I was horrified to identify.9

Blood.10

Lights flickered on and off and I have to scream! I screamed loudly like I was giving birth. No one heard me. I took my cell phone and lighted it. A writing in blood appeared in the mirror.11

Help me!!!!!12

was the message. When I finally read that, the lights went totally off. No more flickering. The only light was on my cellphone. I tried calling my mom or my dad or my older sister. No one answered. I just kept pushing the buttons for light. Until my battery was dead. Then I saw him. My brother. Wearing the same tuxedo he was wearing when he was buried. He looked mad at me. I just closed my eyes and lied in the bath tub. I didn't open my eyes until I woke up. I slept over there. I didn't think about the dance. I can still taste the blood on my lips. And I slept.13

The next morning. I found out that my body was floating in the tub where I slept. I was floating in water. I got water on my ears and my nose. The water turned red because of the blood. I was lucky enough to survive.14

I went to my room. Changed my clothes and am afraid to tell my family. But I know I must. I changed my clothes. Went down for breakfast. I came down, nothing was there.15

I went to my parents room to see that they are dead. Their room was bloody. Their body parts scattered.16

I was horrified. I went to my sister's room to tell, but to only find that it was the same. DEAD! BLOODY! SCATTERED!17

I haven't told anyone what happened. I just stayed in the house. I locked myself in. I saw people knocking at our doors and trying to break in. I barricaded myself inside. The telephones rang several times, but I was afraid to pick it up, thinking Tom might answer it. 18

Policemen barged in, but backed out due to the blood scatters, skeletons, my blood-soaked dress. They might have been disgusted and horrified.19

It seem that I've gone insane. There was no more water to drink. That's why I drank the blood of my family. There were no more things to eat that's why I ate spiders and other insects, but when there was really nothing, I ate my family.20

I came back up to where my parent's rooms are. That's when I found it.21

A Writing in blood at the back of their door was written22

TOM WAS HERE.23

Author notes

What do you think?

JC 14

P.S. I would like to thank Angel and kitty

A contest entry

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    : Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have 0. (?) (Line numbers)
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Comments

1 - 22 of 22

  • EternalSouls
    October 2

    Edit | Reply
    Its an interesting read. But it could use work. Maybe some substance. The idea is there and thats a start. Good luck in my contest


  • Diary-chan
    June 9

    Edit | Reply
    OK. This would be a lot more horrifying if you would have dragged out the word limit and put in more suspense. You know, opening the door and describing the expression on the face before finally revealing what was inside... kinda like that. Or with the lipstick:

    "I ran the waxy red lipstick over my mouth. But something was different. As I looked in the mirror I found that the makeup was the color it should be, but that something was wrong with it. It was warm and wet and runny, streaking in rivulets off my mouth and down my chin... giving off a coppery scent that I was horrified to identify.

    Blood."

    That would just be my suggestion, of course. (Also, get rid of the words in all caps. It takes away from the reality, the dark elegance of the story; you use all caps in a comedy or perhaps a thriller.)

    In any case, though this was pretty creepy, I would say that if you took my advice you could make it a lot creepier.

    Thanks for entering and good luck!

    ~Kitty


  • MJs-Angel
    May 16

    Edit | Reply
    Here's some editing:

    2: I remember by brother, Tom, stabbed by my friend, because he was accused of stealing my friend's girlfriend.

    3+4: A little confusing here...were you fine or were you a stranger?

    6: My friends and I...

    9: I realized my lipstick wasn't on my lips. It was BLOOD.

    9: I took my cellphone and flipped it open so the light shone through.



    Ok. That was a really creepy and good piece. And yes, the FBI or the police would've probably shot down the door and busted in.

    wishing-star123


  • May Kingston
    May 15
    Edit | Reply
    Woah... creepy. That was pretty frickin awesome! It was a pretty well-written horror story, though it is a little unlikely how no one can get in at the end. They probably would have sent in the police at some point. Still, I really liked it. It was a nice, classic horror story with a cool ending ("TOM WAS HERE"). Thanks for entering!


  • IntrepidFantasy Greeters member
    May 8
    Edit | Reply
    Wow! This is an excellent short horror story. You truly had me on the edge of my seat as I was reading. I honestly think you could turn this into something much longer. You're brilliant in this genre and I would love to see it become a novel someday

    Welcome to storywrite and good luck!
    ~Joann
    *Greeter*


  • Mag the Chodja gold member
    May 7

    Edit | Reply
    Nahw-hiiice.
    I'm usually not one for scary stories, considering they, like, don't scare me, but I rather enjoyed this one. Quite the chilling tale (it didn't actually chill me, but if I were to go through this...well, yeah).

    Honestly, I did not see the ending coming. Then again, I wasn't even aware it was a horror story until the mirror scene. Great story, mang.

    I do have a few suggestions on how to improve, though:
    p2 - "my tears are shed."
    my tears were shed.

    p9 - The giving birth allusion is a little awkward. At least to me. Might want to find something else to compare her scream to, or just describe how loud it was. Like screaching, or something.

    p11 - "... lied on the bath tub."
    Should be, "lied in the bathtub."


  • Celestial Rose
    May 4
    Edit | Reply
    wait...you didn't close your eyes until you woke up? That confused me. So...this is like a haunting? I've seen and experienced a lot of things like that, so it's nothing new. Sorry, didn't scare me, but it certainly gained my respect. This was very well written, grammar could use a little work, but other than that, great job


  • whichcraft Greeters member
    May 4
    Edit | Reply
    It was quite an interesting story. For some reason, I didn't feel the horror that I'm sure you were trying to portray. Perhaps the descriptions weren't vivid enough? Anyway, I did like your use of words and your character was definitely showing fear. Good luck in the contest and welcome to Storywrite.


  • vamplover22907
    May 3
    Edit | Reply
    That was a spook, I would have liked a bit more description.

    beginning: 3, language: 3, plot: 3, ending: 3, dialog: 3, characters: 3.


  • Andy Stephenson gold member
    May 2

    Edit | Reply

    Hi!

    Wow! This is a bit wild and gory. I'd say that she lost her mind, hopefully. If that was a reality, it would be horrible.

    You cover a lot in a short write. I would think that you could further develop and expand this, if you wanted. It's definitely different, but doesn't seem to have anything to do with Easter or April Fools day.

    Thanks for entering the New Members contest. Welcome to Storywrite! Let us know if we may be of assistance.

    Andy, greeter


  • SageSyren Greeters member
    May 1

    Edit | Reply
    Things to look at:

    P2 girl friend/girlfriend
    stair case/staircase

    P9 Cut the first line. I think the second line will let the reader know what you are talking about.

    P11 cut the first 'or' in the fifth sentence and use a comma instead.
    lied/laid
    It is hard to believe that no one was looking for her the night before. Did your character not have a date?


    Ok I could see this, but wouldn't someone wondered what happened? Co-worker of the parents, friends of the girls?

    Not bad. Don't forget to use smell.

    Thanks for entering and good luck in the contest.
    Brooke
    greeter


  • Dual.Of.Fireflies
    April 25

    Edit | Reply
    AAAAHHHHH!
    well thanks a lot. I'm still little (compared to you) and scared to go upstairs alone. Now I won't even go upstairs. Wait... was this story true? You know, about Tom stabbing the brother?

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.


  • citcat
    April 25
    Edit | Reply
    nice story, it had an interesting story line. keep up the great work

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