"Come on Mak! Shoot it! Score it!" yelled Jenny, with only one minute and ten seconds left on the score board. Jenny was very athletic and always loved to play soccer. Makenzie was her best friend who was also on the team. The team was trying to go up a new division, but needed to get the goal, for the score was 2 to 2.1
"Lets get it going baby Mak!" yelled the coach from the side line. Makenzie shot the goal, making the ball fly into the left hand corner. Ten seconds later, the whistle blew. The crowd roared up in cheers! All the girls went running to Makenzie. After the cheer, Jenny went over to Makenzie.2
"Want to come over tonight? There is supposed to be lots of comets tonight," Jenny said.3
"Sure! I'd love to!" replied Makenzie.4
*~*5
"That was a great game... but hard," said Makenzie, while laying in the grass with her friend Jenny.6
"Look! There's a shooting stat!" said Jenny pointing to one. Jenny quickly made a wish, hoping for it to come true.7
*~*8
Next day at school, Jenny realized there was a new boy there, when he came up to talk to her. Apparently he has seen her play soccer and wanted to hang out with her sometime.9
What did you think? Please comment!
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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i really like your poem its good... i see what ur saying about not rhyming!
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good job!
real good start kido, way to go! can't wait to hear more!
later
-big sis Alea
P.S.- keep Fire for me will ya?
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lol Brian, everyone can write stories, tho some people may just not be the best at writing them (like me...)
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VERY GOOD
Good one, Karter! Didn't know you could write stories.
You do a good job! Thanks for sharing this.
Best wishes to you.
Brian -
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Good job, Karter. I read it over, and I see that you indeed changed it. Thanx a lot for taking my advice. Also, I just noticed something. How exactly does this story come under the category of horror? What the heck?
Edited on Jul 09, 3:50 p.m. because 'I noticed something'. -
I changed the run-on sentence and I'm gonna try to make it more descriptive once I get time.
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Good so far
First of all, I agree with April. Slow down, Karter, take some time. Basically do what April suggests. Also, I have noticed that you have the tendency to use run-on sentences. For instance, the one I see in this story is the line that begins 'Makenzie shot the goal...'. I think you could rephrase that to read 'Makenzie shot the goal and the ball went in. Ten seconds later, the whistle blew'. Karter, you have lots of potential as an author. Try to see what you can do better and go for it!
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ok!
I think its good! but... your telling the story really quikly, slow down, give more details and make it more suspenceful! You want your reader to have a visual af the charecters... what does Jenny look like, and the story behined her friend and soccer team!
~abm~ -
ok well you know you kinda spoil the story cuz you told us in the prologue what was gonna happen. but i liked. the thing is that i tihkn your prologue should have been opn the back if it was a real book. you know it makes it interesting. well keep writing
~nerny
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