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Prologue: Bonfire 2
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The screaming and chanting pulsed its ways down into cell. A broken strangled cry that picked up tempo with every moment that passed. A cry that demanded my blood. I grinned as I listened to them. Their bloodlust wouldn’t be denied for long.
The guards had been torturing me for weeks taking out their anger on me. I was hardly recognizable as human anymore. A corpse was as close as I could come. My face was a sunken, and beaten so badly it was hard to tell my skin color. They had torn out one of my eyes at one point., and it dangled grotesquely against my right cheek. One had nearly scalped me on one side. A bloody patch of skull was revealed on one side. My ribs were broken sticking out in strange places, and my arm was horribly mangled stump.
I had been beautiful once with my ebony hair , blue eyes, and a trim figure. Now hatred shown from my eyes making me all the more a monster. They would pay for this, every last one of them. Right down to their bawling spawn. I would kill them all. This was the only reason I clung so desperately to life. This was my only purpose now.
I should have been remembering. I should have been lost in memories. Coming to peace with my own death, but hate blocked them from my mind. I had a task to do before I was allowed to die.
“ The traitor will pay.” I reminded myself sternly. I was lost to my own insanity. Perhaps shock had made me numb, but I no longer felt pain. A drop of morphine of the mind. The image of their brutal deaths would be too much for me to take.
The guards threw insults at me from the door. I barely even heard what they were saying. I can’t even tell you now what they said. I am sure it was something similar to what the crowd screamed.
“ Kill the bitch!!”, “ Fucking, rip her head off!” ,and other such pleasantries. This was just static to me. An annoying background noise that was just a buzzing in my ear.
The cell opening startled me. I slowly turned my head that way. It took a great effort to even do that much.
“ Get your ass in there, and do your job coward. Look at her she is in no condition to do anything to you.” One guard growled shoving in a plump sniveling man.
I looked away uninterested his fear reeked into the room as he scooted along the wall afraid to even turn his back to me.
“ What do you want?” I rasped my voice dripping anger like a poison.
“ I, I was sent by the King , Miss Tiyet. They told me to give you this. It will take away the pain.”
“ That’s a lie.” I growled furiously. That little bottle was neurotoxin. It would keep me sedated, so I could hardly move let alone think. They were trying to take away my only weapon.
“I…..I…. They said they would kill me, and my family if I didn’t do this. Please have mercy!!! Please just take it!!!” The Doctor screamed falling to his knees.
“ MERCY!!! DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE MERCY??” I screamed my arm shooting out for the mans throat. I flung him into the wall. He hit with a sickening thump, his eyes wide with shock. The little bottle smashed into a million pieces on the floor. The guard that had pushed the man into the cell flung open the door, and looked at the shattered glass. He drew his sword and swiftly cut the mans head off. Blood sprayed every were soaking my hair, and splattering the guard’s face. He walked over to were I lay, and kicked me furiously.
“ Get on you fucking feet bitch!” He growled pulling me up by the front of my shirt. Despite my injuries I stayed up right.
It was almost time. A grin spread across my face making the guard shiver. He pulled me out into the hall, then up into the waiting night. The crowd was immense. Every person from nearly every province was standing in between me, and the platform that was raised above their heads. The stage was set. A stake like a needle pointed to the sky. It was an ominous sign of what they had in mind for me. I nodded to myself. It would be painful, but I could use it. Satisfaction spread through me I would get my revenge in a beautiful way. There would be no escape for them.
The crowd lashed at me as the guard dragged me through them. They clawed, hit, and bit at me trying to inflict as much damage as they could. There was little left undamaged however, and I hardly felt the pain. After much struggle the guard got me to our destination. He had taken some damage as well I noticed. Many misplaced hits had landed on him by mistake, and he was now covered in bruises.
Now standing on the platform before they rulers of that God forsaken kingdom I became alert. The Queen was a beautiful woman. Her long blonde hair cascaded down her back like golden silk, but her eyes were so evil that nothing could make her face even merely pretty. She glared at me a small smirk on her face. She was happy a filthy savage like me would burn. The King wasn’t much better. He was young, his brown hair short and curly, and his face was almost childlike. He had stolen the thrown from his father, and killed the elderly man in his sleep. He examined his finger nails in a bored manner. He just wanted this to be over with, so he could get back to his man servant that he was secretly sleeping with. I read this from his mind like some twisted tale forced on by some deranged peddler. Then I saw her. The traitor with my face. My own sister.
“ You fucking traitor!!” I screamed at her. Breaking the guards grip temporarily. He hit me hard in the side of the head. That brought me back to focus. I wanted to kill them all not just the traitor whore.
“ Sister I told you to repent. I told everyone to repent! It is not my fault God chose to punish you!” She sobbed grabbing at the crude religious symbol she betrayed us for.
“ God did nothing! Ask your precious King how our people died! He sent thousands of men to kill a tiny tribe! You were their leader! They looked up to you! Why would you do this to them?” I screamed hatred spewing from my mouth like vomit. I was losing my control. Her mouth hung open, but the King had, had enough of our back and forth. He stood up, and pointed at me.
“ For crimes against God, and crimes against your nation you are here by ordered to be cleansed by fire. Thus says your Lord.” He ordered in a regal voices. There was a mad smile on his lips. He was completely out of his mind.
Four guards stepped forward to help chain me to the stake. Four priest followed close behind chanting in their strange tongue. They wore black hooded cloaks, and carried a large black jar a piece. A fowl smell came from them that burned my nose. They circled me as one, and raised their jars then smashed them at my feet. I was dosed from head to toe. Another priest dressed in crimson stepped forward, and set a torch to the pile of wood at my feet.
“ Finally!” I sighed. My sister eyes grew wide she knew what I was doing, and screamed. It didn’t last long. I sent the fire in all directions blocking all ways of escape. Fire consumed them down to the last child. The air was full of screaming, and burning flesh. I laughed in the direction of my traitor. Then I too lost my grip on life. This was my sin, and what I became is my punishment.
Author notes
I want to make this great so see any errors please let me know!!!
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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great!
Wow, this is really great! I think that it is so sad, the beggining is very beautifully described - not the blood of coarse but the way you make it so clear how she looks like, and what is going on, and how you draw the reader into the story.
The middle is also sad, it is as if she doesn't care if she dies, just as long as she kills everyone around her....and how everyone's voice is just static to her, which suggests to me that she heard it so much that she doesn't care any more....
So sad
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And when she had no mercy for the doctor who was ordered to sedate her, I think it was very selfish of her to do what she did....but then again, she didn't really know different, she was too focused, which is my understanding.
And in the end how the 'traitor' is her sister, I got a bit shocked because normally family stick by together, which is a good twist....and hos earlier on you mentioned ' the traitor' it kind of puts the pieces together.....
Over all, it was fantastic, but I think you should make the story line more clear, I dont really understand why she hates her sister, something about her being the leader or something...
Great job and beauitful imagery and language used
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 3, ending: 4, dialog: 5, characters: 4.
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Nice work, pretty macabre and disturbing. I don't necessarily think the eyeball thing is going too far
Shakespeare has a torture scene in King Lear almost as drastic... haha
i also think this is very good, but not quite great, this is obviously set in a fairly distant past so maybe use some more traditional language (this could be a time to get creative with your cursing, haha. sometimes it can be even more intense when its slightly more poetic.)
Keep working at this, it really is coming along.
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This is a good story that needs some work to make it better and Ia m sure that everyone (else) who reads this will jump on that band wagon,as for me I just read it for content and not form and liked it.
beginning: 5, language: 4, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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random observations
1. You start a lot of sentences with I.
2. "A drop of morphine of the mind." Morphine is a relatively modern drug, same with the term neurotoxin, so doesn't sit well with the medieval setting. (if it's not a true medieval setting, ignore this point.)
3. If Tiyet is so dangerous, why is she not chained up?
4. The narrative is filtered through the perceptions of Tiyet, except paragraph two, which is actually the most personal. How does she know her scalp is gone? etc.
5. Dangling eyeball? That pushes the story from horror into comedy horror. I admittedly have no idea what the tensile strength of the optic nerve is, but I find it hard to believe an eyeball could dangle for any length of time without just falling off.
Good points.
It starts with something dramatic, not with pages of scene setting or a character study.
The protagonist is a hideous cripple, not some beautiful Mary Sue princess that i instantly hate.
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Okay I appreciate your criticism I do so I will go through and see what I can do to fix the errors you mentioned. As far as this being medieval it really isn't meant to be perhaps I should go back and do some explaining. The "I" thing I admit is terrible. Yikes!! If you saw a girl nearly torn to bits would you be scared of her? They underestimated her obviously. Yes the eyeball would hang there until it was severed or rotted off, but if it was a old wound it would already be infected. I am a nurse
I think I am going to continue my research then re re-write this lol.
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revisions
I am going to be doing this in parts since it takes quite a bit of time and I want to be completely sure of what I am claiming here so bear with me. (please note that this probably isn't everything. I am not nativly english so I will still miss things)
I copied a line that had an error. The original is in italic and the modified is normal. All changes are in Bold. If a word or letter was removed i placed a _ where it was.
(p1)I grinned as I listened to them their bloodlust wouldn’t be denied for long, and I was fine with that. - I grinned as I listened to them. Their bloodlust wouldn’t be denied for long, and I was fine with that.
(p2)They guards had been torturing me for weeks taking out their own angers out on me. - The guards had been torturing me for weeks, taking out their __ anger_ ___ on me.
(p2)I was hardly recognizable as human anymore. - I was barely recognizable as a human anymore.
(p2)One had nearly scalped me on one side a bloody track of skull was revealed on one side. My ribs were broken sticking out in strange places, and my arm was horribly mangled stump. - One had nearly scalped me. On one side of my head a bloody track of skull was revealed(showing) ____. My ribs were broken sticking out in strange places_ and my arm was horribly mangled stump.
(p3) Now hatred shown from my eyes making me all the more a monster. They would pay for this every last one of them. - Now hatred showed (better might be the word "shone") from my eyes making me all the more a monster. They would pay for this, every last one of them.
(p4)I perhaps should have been remembering. - Perhaps I should have been remembering.
(p5)I was lost to my own insanity. - I was lost in my own insanity.
(p6)The guards through insults at me from the door. - The guards threw insults at me from the door.
(p8)It took a great effort to even do that much. - It took _ great effort to even do that much.
(p15)He drew his sword smoothly cut the mans head smoothly off. - (no suggestion but having the word "smoothly" written twice so close after each other sounds funny)
I'll continue another time
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Hey I went back and fixed all the errors I saw. Your help is much apprecated if you will help me edit this I will make sure to give you a reward.
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i'm not in it for the reward though
but i'll write a new batch of fixes when i get home today.
Still i am happy to be of service to you.
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good
great intro. you've got a good idea going here. keep developing it. -
good but with problems
Well i got halfway before i quit reading. Not because i do not enjoy the story for i DID enjoy it. The grammar though is often too annoying to keep on reading. It distracts from the story and that is a regretabel thing in my opinion. Recheck the entire article and fix the small problems and i will be reading it again with more enjoyment and also actually finishing it.beginning: 4, language: 1, plot: 4, dialog: 3, characters: 3.
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