She sat like a lifeless doll on her bed, her mind uncomprehending, her soul vomiting. A year…it had been a year since he had lost his mind. She didn’t have the power to fight anymore. She didn’t have the spirit to think of herself as anything less than his whore. She had once been beautiful, with spiraling golden hair, and luminous green eyes. But now her face was so gruesomely swollen she would be unrecognizable to anyone who had known her before she’d become his prisoner. Her body was covered with welts and horrible bruises, although the inside of her upper thighs was where they were the most. 1
He didn’t even give her the means to end it. He kept her locked in a room without any furniture except a bed. The walls were completely void of color, except the occasional blood splatter. There was no window, no clothing—no means of protection or visions of freedom. She was completely vulnerable to everything and anything that he forced on her…and he knew it, too.2
Heavy, clunking footsteps sounded outside of the door, and all she felt was defeat and acceptance. She was trapped, with no way out.3
The door eased open, and there he was. A sick amusement twisted through her at the irony of the situation. She'd loved him, once. Had looked up to him. She'd thought he'd always be there to protect her.... How wrong she'd been.4
“Look at what he did to you,” he said, his green eyes filled with horror. He covered his mouth with a shaking hand. “Oh God, Yvonne, I’m so sorry…I’m so sorry that he does this to you.”5
She stared at him with flat, dead eyes as he came closer and took her into his arms. His hand was gentle as he caressed her knotted hair. She hated him when he was like this. Hated that he put his hands on her as if he could comfort her, as if he could make up for stealing her life away. She knew that even this side of him was twisted, warped—she could feel it as his hands slid down over her body, and a gleam entered his eye.6
She cried out at the first hard rake of the nails. He sliced his nails up her back, digging into the skin, reopening the lash marks from the whip he had used last week.7
“Don’t make any sound,” he whispered lovingly, slamming his fist into her cheek. “Be quiet for your big brother.”8
She sobbed violently as he reached down to unbuckle his pants. He stroked himself higher, before wrenching her legs apart. She vaguely felt the horrible pain of her hip dislocating again. He ripped his way into her with one digging thrust.9
“Tell me you love me, Yvonne,” he said in a breathy, sing-song voice.10
Never, she thought valiantly. Her head was turned away from the sight of him pounding into her body. The pain was excruciating. She wanted to vomit, but there was nothing in her stomach for her to get rid of. 11
“Yvonne.” The word was a warning. “Tell me you love me.”12
When silence greeted the demand, he backhanded her. The metallic taste of blood filled her mouth, and she started to laugh, manically. She laughed so hard tears of merriment flowed down her cheeks. Her dry lips cracked and bled, but she didn’t care. She just didn’t care anymore.13
He started raining hits down on her, biting, clawing, punching.14
“Don’t you dare laugh at me!” he screamed. “You fucking whore! I know you love me! SAY IT GODDAMN YOU!”15
She was bleeding from multiple places, her nose was broken, and every single part of her hurt terribly, but still, she laughed. 16
He went flaccid in the face of her mocking, hysterical mirth, and threw her across the room. She slammed into the wall, knocking her skull against the cement, and slid to the floor. Blood pooled around her.17
The look of murder on his face would have been frightening had she been less out of her mind. His green eyes reflected a hate for the world around him that was incomprehensible to her. The way his features twisted evilly made her wonder how she had ever missed this while they were growing up—how he had hidden his evil from the rest of the world.18
“We’re family. Say it,” he growled. Kicking her in the ribs, his voice started to crescendo, until he was screaming, “We’re family! I’m your brother! You’re supposed to love me! Why don’t you love me? I’ll kill you! I’ll tear your fucking heart out and eat it in front of you! Tell me you love me! LOVE ME, YVONNE!”19
She laughed even when he beat her. She laughed even as he stormed from the room, his pants unbuckled, his eyes crazed. She laughed as she heard him scream and rail and trash the entire house. 20
She curled on her side, a blanket of her own blood warming her. The laughter drained away. The seventeen year old girl laid there, a dead, broken shell. Her heart, mind, and body were empty of everything except a sense of helplessness, and hate. This was the only thing she had left…the ability to make him crazed. She would never say it.21
Never.22
Ever.
Author notes
Should I continue this? It's my first crack at something this disturbing.
A contest entry
- Of a Depraved Mind by Night Terrors.
340 points, ended April 19, 12 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Morbid Masterpieces by DogsLookUp.
700 points, ended May 23, 9 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Psychological Thriller Contest by Dr. Psycho.
190 points, ended June 14, 28 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Anything under 1000 (BIG POINTS) by Reaver.
1150 points, ended June 21, 14 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - The Oscars 2009 - Best Horror Story by Asfand.
700 points, ended July 22, 5 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 57 of 57
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You write very maturely. I was impressed by your word choice, and the flow of your sentences. This is a very scary story, and you should definitely continue it.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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This was very disturbing. I think of this as more of a thriller and an abuse story... rather than horror. But then again, the fact that it's her brother doing this to her makes it a horror to me. I felt that the emotion in this was very real and very raw and that you seem to have a great talent for describing such things, especially for a fifteen year old.
I wish you the best of luck in this contest... and I hope you have fun in the future writing stories and posting them on here. -
This is your first disturbing story? Woah it sounds like its your twentieth! I think that your capeable of writing some really disturbing stuff. The only thing that I wish you would have changed was the length haha. I would read more if there was more.
Fantastic! Thanks for entering
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I won't take your time repeating the other 50-odd comments before me. But I will tell you that this piece, no matter how dark, how terrible it is to read, it wonderfully written with the kind of intensity that left me shivering. When I read this, if there were any flaws in grammar and such, I couldn't see them. I just saw and felt the pain and fear and then, later on, the insanity that comes with the numbness. Excellent job here.
Atticus -
Freaking amazing!! Your a finalist! continue the story and enter it!! I have to know what happens next. This is sooooo goood!!
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HAHAHAHA! You show her man!
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I feel for her. I know, and understand what it is like to not give them what they want.
I really believe that you should continue it.
Next chapter maybe you can say how they came to be together and just do like a flashback of the past type scene like having her remember something..etc.
You can build onto this, and I encourage you to.
No need for me to wish you luck in the contest.
You already have it
Kari
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Awe, thank you so much!
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Wonderful!! :):):)
Hello and thanks for entering !
First thing I noticed right off the bat, was how your detail placed emotion and character immediately. You covered both characters and their roles, in the first paragraph, affectively hooking me.
I loved your description of the contrast of her appearance…going from a golden beauty to a gruesomely swollen prisoner. Again, your detail was fantastic.
Paragraph 4 was slightly awkward to read…don’t know why, read it three times and still didn’t quite get it.
It most certainly might just have been me, but I think there is some confusion there that could be cleaned up.
The fact that he referred to himself as if he were another, showed his split psyche, adding fear to his overall demeanor…menace of glass about to shatter. You did this very well and creatively.
In seven, you may consider a ‘,’ after whip. Not needed, but helps the flow I think.
I found myself wondering, toward the end, why she didn’t fight to get out of there. Or perhaps why she was trapped with her own brother in the first place. Where were their parents? What had brought him to lock her up. I mean, what led up to her falling to him and her giving up?
Overall, it was a wonderfully twisted story. I just found myself asking a couple questions in the end, wondering how it ended up. Did she die? Get out? Did he die? Did she maybe go crazy herself?
Again, thanks for entering !
And guess what…You Are A Finalist!
I enjoyed reading your work.
~R
And PS, the background fit the story perfectly!
...haha, you just rock
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I RATE THIS COMMENT TEN STARS!
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Haha! See...i told you...totally awesome
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Well done!!!
Though this not exactly i was talking about but still i am impressed the darkness of the story, the way you discribed it . In India i never saw such cruality in blood relationships or in family so it was really chilling experience to read something dark about brother- sister relationship.
well done dear, i simply love the dark atmosphear of your story. good job , and good luck.
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Thank you!
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Amazing! it was demented, twisted, disturbing, but I really liked it. This is what I was looking for in my contest. I think you could add more to this piece. I agree with iliad that you added great emotion to this.
Great Job! and good luck in my contest.
Oh, and to answer your question,
I think you should continue this.
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Wow
Wow. Grim. Sick and amazing. Also very sad, which makes this even more sick and amazing. There have been comments on this story that said this was a waste of your talent, but I could not disagree more. There are many stories I have read on this site that tried to deal with this same subject, and though they were also sick, they lacked the emotional punch you gave to this. There are too many killer/rapist/sadistic stories out there that treat this subject as if it's cool, but your story felt real to me, because once again you showed the monster is us. I could see this happening, and because of that it was brilliant and powerful. I think you could have edited it down maybe a bit, but otherwise, brilliant. Really nice write.
Just to add. You asked if you should continue this, and I don't think you should. Not because it is bad, and not because there is not a story left to tell. What this story is, is a snapshot of sorts. A scene. And the way it was set up, I feel the scene is much more powerful than the story that would come after. Let the reader seethe with anger, squirm in discomfort. This story is much more powerful for it.
The one thing I might think about doing though, is perhaps adding some sort of brief history on the brother. You might make him somewhat sympathetic, or even more sadistic, and widen the emotional hole this will tear in your reader.
Once again, wonderful write.
-iliad-
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Thank you very, very much!
Hmm, edited down? Where and what do you mean? (I love improving my stories, so any suggestions are greatly appreciated.)
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I think you should explain the brother before he lost his mind. Two victims are always better than one, and it makes it even more disturbing to learn that he once used to be a nice guy. I was wrong about my first comment. Keep everything. It's all good. I thought it was a bit redundant, but the repetition actually works in your story's favor. Expand on the brother. That is the only piece of advice I would give you.
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Thank yooou!
Yes, the brother will be explained in the next part. As soon as I start writing it...(sigh).
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You know I love this kind of writing, I know I'm weird. I never knew you had this in you, I really liked it pookims.
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Thanks lovahmuffin!
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I've already commented on this story before.
The emotions are conveyed with flawless style and the whole write is nightmarish and disturbing while, at the same time, quite beautiful in its darkness.
You're a finalist. -
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Thanks!
I thought I was going to get DQ'd cuz you'd already read it before...but I'm glad that it was quite the opposite!
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wow...
this is so disturbing
but nicely done
could use some more background... like how the whole situation came to be -
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Thanks! Yeah, the second part is going to be focused on the background.
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well its good.
thats about all i can say for it. it is well writen, of course, and does bring a pantsload of emotion. however it has some stuff i take issue with.
one of the things isnt really about your story, its about all rape/bad sex stories out there. the entire genre will be emotional simply because of the content. it really dosnt matter how well or poorly it is written beacause, simply put, rape is emotional. even stories that are extremly bad get credit for emotionality when this subject matter is involved. however i know your not a talentless hack, unlike new steven king books. i know that you can place words together to MAKE IT WORK. to keep writing stories like this is just wasting your talent.(and yes, writing is a talent, not everyone can do it successfully)
as for the story, i reiterate, is goodly. written well, emotional, etc etc etc..
but, well, you know, thats just my opinion.
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Wow very disturbing. Well done. i would love to see more the story if you feel so compelled to write it. i would love to know how her brother came to be her jailer, torturer and all.
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Thank you very much!
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incredibly disturbing. I can't say I like it, but then that's kind of the point. These types of situations are supposed to make you cringe and open your eyes to the evil out there.
I honestly don't think you should continue it for two reasons; First and foremost, as writers part of our job is to open people's minds, hearts, and imagination. Leaving it here does that. You leave to your reader's imagination what really happened, continuing it would remove that sense of freedom to the reader to imagine the real ending how they wish. I personally like to imagine she died here and got her freedom, which leads me to my second reason.
Hope. I see no sense of it here. The only reason most stories continue is there is a sense of hope that the protagonist will come out better in the end. The only way I could see her come out better is if she died, as she would live a very broken life after this, even if someone came and rescued her. If the only hope for her real escape is death... there's not much point it writing more which will only stretch her misery.
Well, that's my two cents worth.
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Well, if I continued this, it would be to kill Warren, her brother. I have a hard time writing something that doesn't have a happy ending, although I think that you're right; there's really no way for this to end happily. Thank you for your honesty!
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Resolution of these situation is the most difficult part.
Once the plot/situation is established, then the real work begins: to say something truthful about a subject on which almost all has already be written.
So....continue if you can.
beginning: 3, language: 3, plot: 4, ending: 3, dialog: 3, characters: 4.
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WOW!! I really liked this story, I couldnt find any spelling mistakes. Please continue writing!!! >smiles<
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amazing! Every words seems to evoke an emotion out of you its a hard subject to read on and yet so mezmerizing that you must read on. I was seriously brought to tears. You really brought out the importance of how deranged her brother is and how tormented her soul. If you continue with it may I suggest getting a little into their pasts and why this came to be?
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Yus ma'am, I definitely will! :]
Thank you soo much!
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great!
your welcome lovey!
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A twisted, mesmerizingly beautiful read. You played out the whole scene like a classic horror movie; the kind with gritty, disturbing imagery that makes the viewer gasp in shock yet at the same time can't look away. I love how you used Yvonne's mind as the backbone of the whole story...brilliant. Yes, please continue this, hun! I can't even begin to tell you how much I loved this disturbing piece after all, I *am* disturbed myself . The only error I found was, in paragraph 5, you said that the man had "brown eyes" whereas in para 18 he suddenly had green eyes. Hmm, unless they changed color or something you should fix that . Here are some clappy people 'cus this piece deff deserved it:
Gah, we need more clappies . You *must* write more of this genre!!! If you decide to add a second part could you let me know? Amazing job, absolutely crazy good.
P.S. Background is scary .
Much love,
Ink
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Thank you very much!!
Oops, I'll fix that right away. :] -
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No problem
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Bookmarked. Very descriptive. And yes, you should continue this.
--Aden
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Thank you!
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A difficult read because of subject matter
I hate reading abuse stories, but this did have a redeeming factor to save it. I liked the fact that the girl refused to give her evil brother the satisfaction that he wanted. It shows that even in the most horrible of situations the human spirit is strong and sometimes impossible to break.
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So it's just the subject matter that made it hard to read? It wasn't my writing style or anything?
Thanks, though, for reading! -
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Your writing style was very good. You made it all seem so real, this is why i found it so painful to read.
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Great!
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This was such an engrossing but morbid tale. I think youshould continue it. I would like to know what made her brother behave so horribly.
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Thank you very much for your comment! I'll probably add one or two more parts to this.
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And tis is VainfulSideEffects coudln't log into this on my old account so i went on this one.
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You should diffantly contuie it! It's Morbid and scarier then ell. And it's really good you should contiue it cause it seems more your style!
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Thanks! I probably will, but I don't want to drag this on forever, so I'll just do like one other post .
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Oh wow. This was really disturbing and kind of morbid. It's really good though. I don't know if it needs to be continued a whole lot. Maybe one more pat or two but it's really good the way it is.
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Yay, thank you!
Morbid and disturbing was exactly what I was aiming for.
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Then you did a ery good job of it.
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Wow most deffinatly go on witht his go back too though let us see what happened to get Yvonne in that room. What made her brother snap like that.
The Positives:
The fact that you are just starting this is so amazing to me it was so cleveryly written I want to see more of this soon
The Negatives:
Nothing great job
Overall:
I give this an 10/10 you did great. I hope to see you in my future contests thanks so much for entering. I am adding you to the finalist list.
~*~Apathetic Poison~*~beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Thank you very much for the Gold! I'm glad you enjoyed it!
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Wow.
... o__o
Wow.
This is so vivid..
Heart and gut-wrenching and so strong. I really like her character and how she won't give in, she won't tell him she loves him. Through it all, she won't, even through the insanity that grips her. This was breathtaking and slightly gruesome, I won't lie.
Wow.
There were a few spelling errors that I could point out if you asked me to, but nothing too noticeable.. unless you're me. =]
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Thank you.
Definitely, point them out to me!
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I lied. I imagined spelling errors.
o.o;
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xD Hahahahaa
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